Male acquaintance apologised for behaviour - forgive or not

[Runorforgive]

I'll try to keep this concise. I had a bad end to a serious 1 year relationship, ex was EA and in the end was violent and tried to strangle me. I have been going to counselling etc and thought I was doing OK and made progress. Ex is in prison for something else so is not a threat which has helped me to recover.

I've been meeting an old acquaintance at a mutual friend's request as they are located overseas. Old Acquiantance (OA) is generally considered to be a good man, he's respected by a lot of people and has always treated me and everyone else I know about kindly and helped them out when needed. He's had a tough time lately, he lost his job and had to relocate back to UK from overseas, his short term relationship fell apart unexpectedly - mutual friend says he was not treated well by his ex as she cheated on him and made him feel rubbish about himself. This has been backed up by a number of people.

I went to meet him last week, all seemed OK at first and normal. Things are usually a bit stilted anyway as I would say we are friendly but don't know each other very well. Like university friends you see maybe once in a while. I asked him how his job search was going and he completely flipped. He started shouting about why did I keep meeting him as it was pointless and grabbed me around the top of my shoulders. It triggered thoughts about my ex who used to shout in my face and point at me so I got upset and told him he was right and I would get mutual friend to contact him instead as I only did it because they asked me to. I was terrified. This man is about a foot taller than me and a lot stronger, so I went into flight mode and walked out in tears.

OA man has called mutual friend almost straight away to say he was sorry, he was having a horrible day and had heard some bad news and he should have just cancelled meeting up. Very regretful about how he treated me and totally beside himself he upset me. Mutual friend says they feel the regret and remorse is truly sincere. OA man has also sent a five page handwritten letter apologising and saying he will work on being a better person and that he hopes I am OK and that he knows he has hurt me. He says he can't forgive himself.

I struggle trusting my judgement after ex, so I am not sure what to do. Should I accept the apology and just tone down the meeting up? Should I run away and never see him ever again? Should I only meet him when other people are around? I am really stuck. It was so out of character for OA man to behave like this but I am also cautious because of how ex behaved and treated me.

Sorry it's so long. Thoughts and advice please.

Mutual friend ... has basically agreed with (rather than agreed to) how I have said I will react to this. So not permission given, but more supportive

I realise you might not (?) have meant it literally, but how exactly has it arisen that you'd even mention "permission" from him? Can I ask if there's a cultural aspect to this?

He assaulted you. You were terrified.

You have all the information you need. It doesn't matter whether he's lovely to everyone else (bet he's not, though) or having a bad day (no excuse for assault) or any other reason or justification. It just doesn't matter.

Accept the apology if you feel it will make him stop bothering you in future. And then cut him out of your life. Good luck with your recovery from your abusive ex

I wouldn't have started a thread about it because, to me , other opinions aren't needed. It is a clear case of block and never see again. There's no question or doubt about it.
The forgive thing is neither here nor there. It has no impact on hum because you won't be seeing him.

Puzzledandpissedoff the permission part came from me, not the OP. It was the way she phrased a pp that made me wonder if he agreed with her that she should drop contact or agreed that it was ok for her to drop contact.

I think the whole set up sounds very sinister, and pp has pointed out the conclusion I was beginning to draw. I think you were set up by your mutual friend to be this guy's rebound/distraction shag, and that he got frustrated when it became clear it wasn't going that way.

You deserve better friends, OP.

Thanks everyone, yes I am glad I don't see them much as they are overseas and only come back to the UK 2/3 times a year and there tends to be a bit of a gathering, but that's easy enough not to go to. I wouldn't be missing out as I see others from that group separately that I am closer to.

I am very glad I have the Freedom Programme to go through. The counselling has helped too

He didn't say sorry to you directly at first. He "apologised" via someone else only because he wanted to get his version in first with his pals.

He obviously disrespects you though so I would just cut contact, no "forgiveness" or anything.

You could thank him for his apology (no need to say you accept it or otherwise) and agree that he needs to work on being a better person AND not see him again.

You haven't known him long and, despite believing this behaviour is out of character, no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. He could well be an abuser by nature.

Don't be around any behaviours that are triggers for you.

No excuse for that behaviour. We've all had stress and bad news. I was diagnosed with a life threatening illness but at no point did I grab anyone and scream in their face. Don't see him again.

Can I just say that I’m well impressed that you have take the excellent advice here and acted quickly and decisively to protect yourself.

So many posters come here with similar stores about abuse, 500 posters tell them to walk away and they reply with “ ah but you don’t understand, he can’t help it because reason “ and get abused again.

You’re a smart woman ⭐️

Can I just say that I’m well impressed that you have take the excellent advice here and acted quickly and decisively to protect yourself
Agreed! Well done on doing The Freedom programme.
A pot of the families I work with have also found that it changed their lives in a positive way.

Thank you, I did have a wobble about how far I thought I had progressed since ex as I thought I was more resilient and this situation made me doubt that to some extent. But I know I have made progress and that I was right to walk away and not stand for this. Have discussed this with another friend who is in the same group and they support me 100% and won’t include him in the next gathering. Onwards and upwards

What his mutual friends said about the ex and now they are sticking up for him again, he's a victim player!!! He wrote a 5 page letter that's obsessive! He had a bad day but as a grown adult can't prevent himself taking out on something?... for all the tea and money in the world an apology can not fix nor change what happened.
He isn't comfortable with you yet but when he does this behaviour will get worse.

Don't let others make you think he's ok, or going through stuff, I'm going through crap and have for years but I don't get to grab up the man in Tesco because he knocked me with his trolley again.

So just because he was having a bad day it was OK for him to lay hands on you, shout at you and frightn you.

And now he wants forgveness.

I suspect this sounds very like your ex, but even if it doesn't, it sounds like pretty well every abusive man I've ever read about on here.

Tell your friend no, never.

What a horrible shock.

You are not in a position to be taking in other people’s emotional loads: not MF or OA, and in effect this is what they have been expecting if you.

There is no need to meet OA again because you wouldn’t have done anyway, on your own account.

I would send MF a message / letter / phone call saying you appreciate OAs letter, and you bear him no lasting ill will, but that you have your own journey to take and cannot carry the needs of other vulnerable people.

I’m sorry this happened to you, you are doing really well: you deserve to put yourself first.

P.S and that your boundaries definitely mean not meeting up again with anyone who lays their hands on you, and if all people MF should understand.

Yep that guy is not a nice man at all. There is NEVER an excuse to behave the way he did! And I reckon the ex probably was abused by him too. He is sorry that he got exposed for the shitgibbon he really is. I would also be mindful of mutual friend if he is not taking this incident serious enough and minimising it.

Whaaaaat? ‘You bear him no lasting ill will, you have your own journey to make etc’, or instead, ‘Cool story bro, violent males are scum, you can both fuck the entire way off.’

Hotpotlawyer the thing is that I do not appreciate the letter, it confused me and made me doubt my judgement. Do I bear him ill will? Not really but I certainly don’t want him to think he’s got away with his behaviour and I think that phrase would be interpreted as he’s been excused. So no, I won’t be doing that.

What I have said is that it’s really something that you do someone a good turn trying to be supportive and then they behave appallingly and inexcusably towards you.

My other friend helped me compose that and I sent it to mutual friend last night. No response yet but it’s still early for them.

Well done, OP.

It is typical of abusive people to pressure you to forgive them immediately - they don't want to give you time to reflect or process what has happened, they demand an immediate return to the status quo. Then they treat this coerced forgiveness as though it was a legally binding contract - you have forgiven them, so no more discussions or feelings about their behaviour are permitted.

Looping in the mutual friend is a particularly manipulative thing to do. It puts extra pressure on you to forgive and act as if it hadn't happened.

Your instincts are bang on,OP. Well done for listening to them.

Good for you OP!