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Original poster

Has anyone else been groomed by someone a lot younger?

60 replies

SkiingCrazy · 28/02/2019 12:42

Just intrigued to know whether anyone else has been in this strange situation. I'm an intelligent, married adult and am still realising months down the line, just how badly I was played for a fool and groomed into a strange relationship by a guy who is in his late teens, (more than 10 years younger than me). It messed my head up SO BADLY and caused chaos in my life and other relationships. Turns out this kid is a serial groomer and has been doing it his whole life - but how did it happen to me?! I'm baffled. OK so I now realise he played on my insecurities and low self esteem. But I always thought grooming was something that happened to kids and was done by somebody with power over them, whether by virtue of age or position or whatever. That did not apply in this case at all. Interested to know if anyone else has had it.

OP posts:
YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 28/02/2019 12:45

has been doing it his whole life *

Eh? So he's 17/18/19 and has been grooming adults his whole life? Or his whole adult life?

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/02/2019 12:49

He's a 'kid' you literally said it yourself. Doesn't mean he can't be manipulative but surely his age should have made you stay well away.

Original poster
SkiingCrazy · 28/02/2019 13:03

He has a social services record for grooming other kids. I should have said 'years' rather than 'his whole life'. I was informed by a professional that knew his history.

His age should have made me stay well away - yes it did. The reason for the involvement was that I was asked to try and help him in a certain area. The grooming thing was about me thinking it was a mentoring relationship and him working away to lower my barriers to a certain amount of physical contact etc and being persuaded it was normal and fine. Please don't judge if you haven't been in this situation, I would not have imagined I could get so deluded. It ended when he physically sexually assaulted me, it didn't get into a sexual relationship.

OP posts:
MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 28/02/2019 13:23

I raised concerns about the behaviour of a teenage boy towards an older female volunteer. I felt his comments, gestures and the physical contact were inappropriate. The female volunteer was not comfortable and struggled to deal with it. There were sexual overtones in his behaviour.

We got more safeguarding training. The female volunteer moved elsewhere in the organisation.

Crowdo · 28/02/2019 13:28

I've had a colleague who was ten years younger than me who kept making sexually suggestive remarks, I guess. It was hard to know what to say since they were so young. He was nineteen and I was twenty nine.

picklemepopcorn · 28/02/2019 13:29

Part of the safeguarding toolkit is about helping us be less vulnerable to this situation. The initially ridiculous seeming restrictions actually keep the boundaries so firmly at the front of your mind that any breaches are more obvious.

I've seen a teacher have a private one to one session with a distressed child sat side by side in the middle of a large open hall. She'd hugged and then clung to him because she was upset, and he wisely moved their heart to heart into a very public place.

It will be a survival mechanism he has learned, and part of our safeguarding is to make sure it is ineffective.

I don't blame you or judge you- it isn't easy! It's something foster carers have to be very careful of. Supervision sessions help you unpick when this is happening.

gemmaxyz · 28/02/2019 13:36

I briefly dated a very manipulative 21 year old when I was 29. I thought I'd seen through it and found it silly, this geeky graduate who looked young for his age, and all wholesome and rosy-cheeked, spouting a mixture of PUA and little-boy-lost stuff, but still got sucked in and made an arse of myself getting upset, which was embarrassing. His apparently sweet and innocent, inept manner was still convincing to the subconscious, when I would have had no trouble telling a more streetwise looking guy to fuck off if he'd said the same things.

sar302 · 28/02/2019 13:39

I'm Not sure if grooming is quite the right word for a child to an adult? But vulnerable children can develop a manipulative streak over time as a survival mechanism. Obviously the sexual assault is completely unacceptable, and I'm very sorry you had that experience.

It would definitely be worth exploring this in supervision - in fact I'm surprised it wasn't picked up before it impacted your life this much. It sounds like you might not be getting the appropriate support?

It might also be worth reassessing both personal and professional boundaries (assuming this was within a professional role) so it doesn't happen again.

Tennesseewhiskey · 28/02/2019 13:40

I was informed by a professional that knew his history.

In what context were you told?

Are you saying his a paedophile? If he us grooming children?

I am so sorry he attacked you. I dont think it matters whether the term grooming applies, but some people are manipulative and can damage people of any age.

That's how many of us end up in abusive relationships.

Xiaoxiong · 28/02/2019 13:57

I can think of many people who have been very seriously manipulated, gaslit and emotionally abused by younger partners. The common theme is that the older partner had low self esteem, desperate to be loved, and willing to accept abusive and manipulative behaviours to hang onto the relationship. Off the top of my head, an older woman I know with a man 20 years younger, a number of my parents gay male friends have had this experience with younger male partners, and a dear friend of mine who is a gay man keeps going out with very young men in their early 20s and is then heartbroken when it ends and I worry about him so much - he gets older but goes for the same age men every time.

I don't think I would call it grooming though, I associate that term with an adult-child power relationship/manipulative actions but I am no expert in this area and very willing to be educated.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 28/02/2019 14:08

That was my point....I wouldn't call it grooming. More manipulation and control caused (probably) by a childhood trauma.

Not to say he didn't hurt you emotionally or physically. It's just not grooming.
He manipulated you.

How did you get involved in the first place and why didn't his age make you step back?

IM0GEN · 28/02/2019 14:12

Excellent post sar32

Original poster
SkiingCrazy · 28/02/2019 14:17

I wouldn't have called it grooming either, but 3 different professionals in possession of all the facts, all used the term. I think the definition of grooming is causing someone to become desensitised to increasingly sexual approaches, which is what did happen.
Sorry I'm afraid I can't answer most of the questions or provide any further detail on here but I really appreciate the helpful responses.

OP posts:
YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 28/02/2019 14:22

When you say late teens....

16 or 19? It's very different. You described him as a kid and that's worrying.
I hope you weren't in a position of trust with this 'kid' or others that may be similar.

Crowdo · 28/02/2019 14:24

Yeah, there are no specific age parameters to grooming. It's a type of manipulation. It's about abuses of power.

picklemepopcorn · 28/02/2019 14:28

I don't think we need to worry about the age of the YP- OP has been clear she involved professionals, it isn't our place to scrutinise her actions for impropriety!

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 28/02/2019 14:29

pickle

Would you say the same if the teen was a girl and the OP was a man?

Tennesseewhiskey · 28/02/2019 14:34

OP I just want to be careful with the professional that shared his past with you.

You dont have to answer anything, though. Smile

picklemepopcorn · 28/02/2019 17:32

If a man came on here saying he'd experienced having his boundaries eroded by a late teen girl, then absolutely yes I'd say the same. He would be showing an awareness of a situation which he misjudged and had to be helped out of. I have seen how hard it is for male foster carers when girls are inappropriate with them.

AgentJohnson · 28/02/2019 17:55

but how did it happen to me?! I'm baffled..

This is a good question particularly given your position. What safeguarding training have you had and where was your support? I’m sorry this happened to you but it sounds like the lines got blurred and you were ill equipped to manage the situation.

Has there been an investigation?

Northernparent68 · 28/02/2019 20:45

It’s interesting to compare this thread with the thread about a 30 year old man and 16 year old girl. On that thread he’s a creep but on this one the older woman is a victim.

picklemepopcorn · 28/02/2019 20:51

Which one is that Northern? The situations may not be the same. If the older person seeks out increasing contact with the younger, then that is problematic. If the older person is sought out by the younger then their responsibility is to recognise that and step away. The OP is trying to process where she should have recognised things were going wrong.

Concerned09 · 28/02/2019 23:06

I experienced a sexual approach from a very young person, very very young. Under the age of legal responsibility.

I was threatened that I had never to speak of this by the parent who is known to be very difficult.
The parent continued to put me in the position of being vulnerable to further situations.

I know that the actions the parent claimed to have taken did not happen as I am sure that someone would have had to speak to me.
As far as I am aware a child of that age displaying sexual knowledge is likely to have been sexually abused. I was scared that the accusation would be laid on me. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is a person around the child that I have suspicions of but this person is an accomplished liar and con artist.
Not one person has seen that I was shocked to the core by this.
I am at a total loss to know what to do but I do believe that these things happen. It may be significant that I am a vulnerable adult.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 01/03/2019 06:53

It’s interesting to compare this thread with the thread about a 30 year old man and 16 year old girl. On that thread he’s a creep but on this one the older woman is a victim.*

That was exactly my point, the man would be seen as a predator. In this case, the OP displays as a victim and the blame is on the boy.

So from this, I take, that in any case of sexual harassment/abuse/grooming etc, the male is at fault?

Original poster
SkiingCrazy · 01/03/2019 06:59

Thanks picklemepopcorn, you have a good understanding of the situation. Sorry I'm having to be deliberately vague but it is absolutely correct to say that I did not have sufficient training or support for the situation. To anyone that is trying to insinuate that I am the predator, rest assured that the matter is in the right hands and appropriate action is being taken by the relevant professionals.

OP posts: