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Original poster

Has anyone else been groomed by someone a lot younger?

60 replies

SkiingCrazy · 28/02/2019 12:42

Just intrigued to know whether anyone else has been in this strange situation. I'm an intelligent, married adult and am still realising months down the line, just how badly I was played for a fool and groomed into a strange relationship by a guy who is in his late teens, (more than 10 years younger than me). It messed my head up SO BADLY and caused chaos in my life and other relationships. Turns out this kid is a serial groomer and has been doing it his whole life - but how did it happen to me?! I'm baffled. OK so I now realise he played on my insecurities and low self esteem. But I always thought grooming was something that happened to kids and was done by somebody with power over them, whether by virtue of age or position or whatever. That did not apply in this case at all. Interested to know if anyone else has had it.

OP posts:
Scott72 · 01/03/2019 07:04

I think the term "grooming" should be reserved for cases of pedophilia. That's the accepted usage of the term now.

Concerned09 you are being blackmailed. This is a very dangerous situation. The child and/or their parent may sociopathic. I don't know what you can do here. The only things I could think of would be too see a lawyer or just go immediately to the police.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 01/03/2019 07:05

I'm not sure that any normal, married adult needs training to understand that inappropriate physical contact with a boy is wrong...

SandyY2K · 01/03/2019 07:10

I think the word boundaries comes into play here.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/03/2019 07:15

Young people can be very manipulative; often, they have learnt to be as a survival strategy. The onus on the adult is to recognise that and act appropriately, which is what all the sfaeguarding training is about. But there is also a strong element of common sense that comes into play!

Original poster
SkiingCrazy · 01/03/2019 07:23

YepImafraid, you don't understand the situation, you don't know what happened, and you are jumping to conclusions about how inappropriate it was - the post about the school teacher comforting a crying child is the most relevant comparison here. I can't give further details about what happened. Anyone that has commented about boundaries is absolutely right. There are a lot of things to learn from the experience. However I will also say that all of the professionals involved (mental health, social services and police) were entirely sympathetic with me as it has become clear that this guy is exceptionally good at manipulating and has done worse since. As I said, please don't judge if you haven't been in this situation, the facts are clear in hindsight but what I am interested in is if others have experienced this form of gaslighting, I quite agree it sounds ridiculous when you're presented with the facts after the event.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 01/03/2019 07:34

You should never have been in the situation you were in. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I hope that this situation is properly investigated because there’s a reason why safeguarding training is so bloody important and ‘meaning well’ is sometimes clearly not enough.

The professionals in this story do not come across very well. I’m sorry you were nearly assaulted but simply labelling this kid is not good enough.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 01/03/2019 07:38

Unfortunately, you have come on MN for opinions and advice and you will glean these in varying degrees.

We will not all agree. Without the facts, a lot of us will jump to conclusions and that is often the nature of a beast on MN.
I do however understand that it is obviously a sensitive situation and therefore you can't go into detail.

I do stand by the fact that an adult in what I assume is a trusted position, should know better than to engage in any sort of physical contact with a vulnerable/dysfunctional child.
I am saddened that it got to the point of you being sexually assaulted.
IMO, the boy is as much a victim or has most likely been a victim prior and not been supported or dealt with properly hence these behaviours.
This is a huge learning curve for you and the governing body under which you were placed to support this child.

Tennesseewhiskey · 01/03/2019 07:40

I am glad this is bring dealt with.

But you need some support.

Also the person that involved you in helping out a troubled teen with no training, needs to looked at.

Connieston · 01/03/2019 07:40

I briefly dated a younger man certainly not underage or anything and he was a manipulative brat. I was coerced into doing a few things I didn't want to. Fortunately I'd had enough quite quickly and got rid. Which caused a shitload more hysterical threats. Perhaps he was just inexperienced but he was deeply unpleasant.

picklemepopcorn · 01/03/2019 07:53

OP isn't asking us to condemn the YP, she's asking for people who have experienced anything similar. With hindsight she probably wonders how she fell for it but at the time, the incremental increases don't seem significant which is why OP is talking about having been groomed.

Remember, the families of abused children get groomed to lower their boundaries as well. It doesn't only apply to a child victim.

We assume that the older person will be more savvy than the younger, but that isn't always the case where children have been forced to grow up fast and fend for themselves. They absolutely are victims, but they also have the capability to damage others.

IM0GEN · 01/03/2019 07:59

Young people who have spent a lot of time in care and addicts are often extremely manipulative and dishonest. The cause and effect of this is complicated but it’s probably that they have learned this skill as a way to survive the system.

Many have been victims of abuse and learn to become perpetrators, not nessarily the same type of abuse. But it’s all about having power over others and being in control of them.

They can be expert liars. They have an uncanny ability to work out what motives you and tap into that to manipulate your emotions. They tell people “ you are the first person who has really understood me /cared about me “. It’s seductive - not in a sexual way but because people who work with young people like this generally do it because they want to help.

Skiiingcrazy - I’m guessing that you were asked to mentor this young man because you had a technical skill which you hoped you could teach him . However you should have had training and supervision on these other issues, which I’m guessing didn’t happen.

This is entirely the fault of the organisation you worked for . Whether you were paid staff or a volunteer, it makes no difference. I’m sorry you have been through this.

Northernparent68 · 01/03/2019 08:51

Seriously, Imogen, it’s all the fault of the organisation the OP worked for ? The OP has no responsibility for having sex with someone she had sex with, when she was in a position of power over them.

GregoryPeckingDuck · 01/03/2019 09:09

This thread reads very similarly to the backlash to Lolita. 19 is certainly old enough to be a sexual predator to naive or credulous victims. Obviously most people become less vulnerable as they get older and more experienced but youth can be quite disarming even to a fairly experienced person. Consider it a lesson learned and move on.

ZaZathecat · 01/03/2019 09:18

Northernparent, the OP did not have sex with him, he sexually assaulted her.

Original poster
SkiingCrazy · 01/03/2019 09:20

Northern, kindly read my second post. No sex involved. When it became clear to me and others that that was the younger person's drift, I took action to move away from the situation, the assault happened as I was detaching myself from the situation.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 01/03/2019 10:06

It's easier to understand Northern's position when you realise they haven't read the Ops posts.

IM0GEN · 01/03/2019 10:37

When it became clear to me and others that that was the younger person's drift, I took action to move away from the situation, the assault happened as I was detaching myself from the situation

That sounds completely plausible to me, they sense that you are pulling back and they press forward to try to regain control.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 10:56

This thread reads very similarly to the backlash to Lolita. 19 is certainly old enough to be a sexual predator to naive or credulous victims

Lolita the book/film?
She was a lot younger than 19 in that.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:01

The OP has no responsibility for having sex with someone she had sex with

I skim read the ops posts and it was fairly clear to me that the op had not had sex with the young man; what is it with people not reading posts (or clarifiying if there is doubt) before posting strong opinions on here?!

Ive rarely posted but its me not want to post again.

Moralitym1n1 · 01/03/2019 11:02

*made me

Concerned09 · 01/03/2019 15:30

@Scott72
Concerned09 you are being blackmailed. This is a very dangerous situation. The child and/or their parent may sociopathic.

Thank you for your comments. I am totally at a loss here. I am afraid to speak out. I know the parent and the person who is a liar have spent years convincing me that I am daft. This is why I am too scared to take action. Can you please explain your views further either on here or by PM. I just need to find a way through this. Thank you

NotTheFordType · 01/03/2019 15:42

@Concerned09

You might be best off posting your own thread for advice. A lot of people here just read the first post and nothing else.

Is your situation arising from a professional role? EG you're a TA or a HCA and you have to be in contact with this person for your job?

If so, raise it with your line manager immediately, and let them know you're concerned about the mother basically calling you a liar. Ask for the person's care to be assigned to someone else.

If it's not for work, e.g. a family friend/member, then honestly I'd probably just stop seeing them. Or call the non-emergency police line 101 for help.

NotTheFordType · 01/03/2019 15:47

OP I'm sorry this happened to you. And I'm sorry some dicks on your thread are victim blaming.

Whether we call it "grooming" or "boundary pushing" a younger person is totally capable of manipulating someone older into acts they don't actually want. There is no age limit for narcissistic, entitled twats.

TrainSong · 01/03/2019 15:55

I believe you. Years ago I had to accompany some school teachers with their teenage pupils on a ten day trip. There was one boy who annoyed the hell out of me. He was veyr loud and centre of attention, but he used to stroke the female (middle aged) teachers' hair and give them neck massages. It was very creepy.

Towards the end of the trip when he hadn't managed to turn me into putty he really targetted me. He kept coming to my hotel room on weird pretexts and laughed at me when I wedged the door open with a fire extinguisher and told him it was company rules not to be alone with a student (whcih it was).

On the last day, when we were carrying out bags to the coach he came to my room, closed the door, stood with his back against it and tried to 'tell' me to do press ups on the floor because he;d heard I was really into fitness but not good at press ups. He kept saying he;d teach me, and coming up close to me.

He was very mainstream good looking - Hollywood pretty boy type (not my type at all) and clearly just couldn't fathom why I wasn't melting away. I just kept being as boring and square as I could be until he finally gave up and sulked off. But he had clearly done his number on the other mother-aged teachers who taught him permanently and I have often wondered how and why.

TrainSong · 01/03/2019 15:58

I should add taht I don;t think he was in control of what he was doing and he clearly had issues in all sorts of ways. Just that I have seen it in action and it's unnerving when a man-sized child behaves this way. Not healthy behaviour.