Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

DP's DC never wants to meet me.

74 replies

ThrowawayName1 · 28/02/2019 11:48

NC as DP knows my usual name.

Is there any way a relationship can progress when one partners DC acts like you don't exist? Can the relationship even work long term?

DP has teenage children from his previous marriage. He told them a year ago he was in a new relationship. I met his DS a couple of months later. DS has also met my children, been to my house for dinner, been out for birthday meals, etc. We seem to get on well.

His DD, however, wants nothing to do with me, won't acknowledge that her dad is in a relationship and refuses to meet me or my children.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, so I can understand her point of view to an extent, but I am finding it hard that when she is spending time with her dad I have to essentially act like I don't exist. I can't ring him and speak to him, can't pop in for a cuppa, can't invite them on days out/out for lunch, etc.

My DC have a great relationship with DP and will regularly ask to pop by and say hello if we are passing DP's house on our way back from the shop or park. They find it pretty confusing that we can't go and see DP/call him to tell him about their day. I have tried to explain that he is spending alone time with his own DC but they get excited thinking they will get to meet her too and I then have to explain that this is not the case.

We have discussed marriage and moving in together within the next few years but I don't see how we will ever manage to. I'm upset at the fact that this relationship will not progress as DP is definitely the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I also understand having to be sympathetic to his daughters feelings and not push the matter.

OP posts:

Orangehandtowel · 28/02/2019 11:55

When my parents split up when I was a teenager I hated my df new gf. I refused to meet, acknowledge or have anything to do with her. I saw her as the reason my parents split (it wasn't and couldn't even be put in the same time line) I saw my df replacing us with her kids and I was insanely jealous and angry.
As I've grown and matured I've apologized for my actions, accepted her and we are now very close.
I'm not proud of my actions as a teenager but I am glad I've grown from it.
Theyve been together 13 years and married for 4 now.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2019 11:56

You can force his daughter to like you unfortunately. Has she explained why she won't see you? Is it that she doesn't like you or out of loyalty to her Mum? Has she been told things about you that put you in a bad light?

The one thing that confused me about your post though was I can't ring him and speak to him when he's with her!? I think he should knock that on the head.

Fair enough if she doesn't want to spend time with you, but she needs to realise that he is in a relationship.

How old is his daughter?

Original poster

ThrowawayName1 · 28/02/2019 12:02

She is 14.

She has never given a reason as to why she won't meet me. My DP won't ask as he doesn't want to upset/anger her.

I absolutely agree that I can't force her to like me. When I first met my dad's new partner (I was also 14) I didn't get on with her. But I was brought up to be polite and respectful, so I put up with her and saw how happy she made my dad. 16 years later, have grown to really like her.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2019 12:19

My DP won't ask as he doesn't want to upset/anger her.

Daddy needs to put his big boy pants on and at least ask her. He's raising a spoilt princess otherwise. Or is he a 'Disney Dad'?

LemonTT · 28/02/2019 12:19

This is not untypical and if you want to have a future together as a couple and a family you all need to be aware of her sensitivity. Yes, she is taking it too far. But by the same token, the familiarity of you & your children with her father may seem too much too soon.

I assume he isn’t with her more than 50% of the week and probably less. As you don’t live together there isn’t that much need for you or you kids to call or drop by unannounced. I don’t think your children should do that anyway and some boundaries need to be in place for them until the relationship is more committed and stable. Especially not when his child is sensitive and insecure. She is a child and you need to expect childish behaviour.

You are going to have to take this slower and be more respectful of her boundaries in her home. You aren’t being given a choice from what I can see.

ElevenSmiles · 28/02/2019 12:26

Sounds like she wants to spend time with her Dad...not his gf and kids......perfectly normal.....phoning when he is with his DD..... not a good idea.

Original poster

ThrowawayName1 · 28/02/2019 12:30

GreenFingers He is basically terrified of any confrontation and she is quite...fiesty. If she doesn't get her own way she will find ways to punish him, occasionally by screaming/name calling, etc, but usually by refusing to speak to him for months at a time. Then when it gets close to Christmas/Birthday, she will start seeing him again. So when she is on speaking terms he doesn't want to do anything that will cause reason for her to stop talking to him again.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThrowawayName1 · 28/02/2019 12:32

ElevenSmiles When she is at her dads house she sits in her room on her iPad and doesn't socialise. She texts him from her bedroom to ask him to bring a drink up to her.

OP posts:

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/02/2019 12:38

To be honest I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would raise a child this way so I don't really know what to suggest. How is his relationship with his ex? Could he talk to her for support on talking this through with his dd?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2019 12:38

@ThrowawayName1 sounds like my ex. Granted his daughter was a bit younger, but my God, she could twist him around her little finger. And she did.

I lost all respect for him through his parenting (or lack of it).

Motherofcreek · 28/02/2019 12:41

Just leave her be. She’s 14. Probably is a nightmare most 14 year olds are. He does need time for 1-2-1 with her. She probably misses him greatly and doesn’t want to share. Let them deal with it between themselves.

You have got to step away from this idea that she is using him. It’s really unhealthy and it’s for him and his dd to work out. If I had a bf who felt like this about one of my kids I’d walk. Just because your kids like him doesn’t mean they have to like you.

Tbh I’d leave. I don’t think your ready to understand the emotional baggage kids carry round after a separation and new partners.

Original poster

ThrowawayName1 · 28/02/2019 12:42

MyKingdom His relationship with his ex is not good. He has asked her for help with DDs behaviour before and they have all sat down together to talk it through. When he relayed some pretty disrespectful comments and said he doesn't find it acceptable the ex laughed. He has seen messages from ex to DD telling her she doesn't have to listen to anything he says and basically encouraging her to behave badly towards him.

OP posts:

DoctorDread · 28/02/2019 12:44

Watching with interest as in a similar situation

Original poster

ThrowawayName1 · 28/02/2019 12:44

Tbh I’d leave. I don’t think your ready to understand the emotional baggage kids carry round after a separation and new partners. as I said earlier my parents divorced and both have new partners, so I know enough.

OP posts:

DoctorDread · 28/02/2019 12:46

@Motherofcreek that's a very one dimensional approach.

Motherofcreek · 28/02/2019 12:48

ThrowawayName1 sounds like my ex. Granted his daughter was a bit younger, but my God, she could twist him around her little finger. And she did

To be honest I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would raise a child this way so I don't really know what to suggest

Two great examples of adults trampling all over the very sensitive issue for children of separation and new partners and expecting the kids to toe the line.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2019 12:50

@Motherofcreek Unfortunately, kids can and do use a divorce to play parents off each other.

Motherofcreek · 28/02/2019 13:02

@Motherofcreek Unfortunately, kids can and do use a divorce to play parents off each other

Actually I’d see that as a pretty clear sign the adults are fucking up tbh

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/02/2019 13:15

@Mothercreek I don't disagree with you. That's why I think if the Dad is putting up with her bratty behaviour (texting for a drink/screaming/shouting etc) then he needs to step in and be a parent. Not someone who's terrified of rocking the boat.

Confusedfornow · 28/02/2019 13:25

OP, no disrespect. But to her, you're just a woman who HER father knows. You mean nothing to her and have no context in her life.

I can't understand adults who think that other people should be queuing up to worship them and welcome them into the family. Her family is her family, you aren't part of it, and don't become part of it just because you're in a relationship with her father. She might like you if you were to meet, but that's irrelevant.

STOP trying to force a relationship which doesn't exist. You're not related to her, you're not her parent, you're a stranger.

How would you feel if your partner pointed to a stranger in the street and demanded you treat them as family?

Accept her decision, move on. If at some point in her life she decides to meet you and you feel the same, then you can both discuss what happens from there.

Being with her father, marrying him, living with him, changes nothing. You're NOT her family. He is.

MistressDeeCee · 28/02/2019 13:37

OP, no disrespect. But to her, you're just a woman who HER father knows. You mean nothing to her and have no context in her life

Exactly, and I don't know why more won't accept this. Nearly every post of this kind on here, is a woman criticising a teenage girl.

My dad got with someone else when he and my mum split, and this woman was so overbearing. It got on my nerves so I swerved her.

She didn't seem a horrible woman but I already have a mum, why should I put myself out for a woman because she's with my dad? Forever wanting to meet, to the point she waylayed me one day when I was on way back from Saturday job. Family life goes on, it doesn't stop because your dad's met someone else who thinks you should rush to meet her and she must change your life.

& When you're young you've many other things on your mind, I wanted to be out & about etc not sitting with my dad & his wife. I didn't live with them

A youngster not playing ball in this way is always seen as spoilt etc. Well OP you've made her sound like a complete brat in which case (a) why so keen to want her in your life and (b) why want to be with a man who you've made sound as if he is no good at raising children?

Accept you're not her priority, or leave him. You cannot force anyone to like you.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/02/2019 13:56

I think your biggest problem is that you're in a relationship with a man who has no backbone. Allowing your 14 year old child to control your life is absolutely ridiculous. Find yourself an actual adult.

Giraffesinscarves · 28/02/2019 14:27

Being with her father, marrying him, living with him, changes nothing. You're NOT her family. He is.

So by that logic whoever your son or daughter marries will not be family. If they have children then only 50% of them will be family then.

So LGBT couples where one parent is not related biologically isnt family then. They are just some random person from the street then.

So parents who adopt aren't family then because they have no biological link, just happened to be random strangers who took in a child.

I think your logic is deeply flawed.

Tennesseewhiskey · 28/02/2019 14:38

Family isn't just about who you are blood related too. Ridiculous notion.

OP I don't think this relationship has legs because of how he and his ex parents the child.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 28/02/2019 14:40

Flip

1 2 3