DP's DC never wants to meet me.

[ThrowawayName1]

NC as DP knows my usual name.

Is there any way a relationship can progress when one partners DC acts like you don't exist? Can the relationship even work long term?

DP has teenage children from his previous marriage. He told them a year ago he was in a new relationship. I met his DS a couple of months later. DS has also met my children, been to my house for dinner, been out for birthday meals, etc. We seem to get on well.

His DD, however, wants nothing to do with me, won't acknowledge that her dad is in a relationship and refuses to meet me or my children.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, so I can understand her point of view to an extent, but I am finding it hard that when she is spending time with her dad I have to essentially act like I don't exist. I can't ring him and speak to him, can't pop in for a cuppa, can't invite them on days out/out for lunch, etc.

My DC have a great relationship with DP and will regularly ask to pop by and say hello if we are passing DP's house on our way back from the shop or park. They find it pretty confusing that we can't go and see DP/call him to tell him about their day. I have tried to explain that he is spending alone time with his own DC but they get excited thinking they will get to meet her too and I then have to explain that this is not the case.

We have discussed marriage and moving in together within the next few years but I don't see how we will ever manage to. I'm upset at the fact that this relationship will not progress as DP is definitely the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I also understand having to be sympathetic to his daughters feelings and not push the matter.

Tennesseewhiskey I pretty much think the same.

I have told him today that I am taking a step back. I absolutely adore him, but there's no point thinking about a future when there's no realistic way we could ever move in/get married etc. I suppose I'm just going to have to enjoy it for what it is.

I totally agree this girls is obviously struggling and her feelings have to come first. But her holding it over his head that she wont visit unless he lives how she wants him to, is not ok.

But unless both parents step up and parent the child, in the best way for the child instead of all this fear and games and encouraging poor behaviour, he wont ever have his own life.

I am in his ex position. Both of them sound like poor parents. No wonder the poor girl is like she is.

Sounds like unfortunately the relationship between this girl’s parents is troublesome to the extent that she isn’t in a place to have a relationship with you. Which is fine, in and of itself. But your DP is on the back foot and things are really fragile.

You are powerless here. She’s 14 and that’s a very tough age. All you can do it walk away or shelve the idea of blending families. Either way, stop thinking of this 14yr old as being manipulative. Her behaviour isn’t desirable but she is a product of her up-bringing.

I would stop all drive by’s, your families aren’t blending. Stepping back is a good idea, but if you feel your resentment will grow then maybe this relationship doesn’t have legs.

She is 14. I didn't want to spend time with my own parents at that age, never mind some woman I didn't know. Add that she will probably feel some misplaced guilt around Spending family time with a woman who isn't her Mum but is potentially in that sort of role. Who could blame her for finding it too much of a headache?
She's 14...you've got 4 years max of it being like this (when she's 18 she will be doing her own thing probably and might have got her head around it)That's not that long to continue Dating your Dp but put plans to move in on hold.
I agree with PP that said there is no real need for her to have any interest in a relationship with you.

My exh has tried to push his gf on my girls (a more complex situation as she was my best friend before). They have so far said they aren't interested, but my younger dd in particular has huge anxiety when staying at her dads in case the gf 'pops in' which exh has said she will start doing... it's pretty tough to watch really...and needless-the only person that it serves is exh.

stop thinking of this 14yr old as being manipulative. Her behaviour isn’t desirable but she is a product of her up-bringing.

Spot on.

Fwiw my teens refuse to see their Dad's gf of 7 years. He accepts this by having her move out to her parent's house on contact days. She's not a parent so at least there's no kids forced to move out every weekend. They pretend that the gf doesn't exist even though the flag obviously has photos and other nick nacks that belong to her.

He plans to do this until youngest goes to uni (6/7 more years) It's dysfunctional af and I am curious what she really thinks about this bit it's not an arrangement that I encouraged,

giraff

My post was a direct response to the particular situation mentioned by the OP.

A 14 year old kid is not an in-law

A family who adopt are not approaching a random 14 year old kid and asking them to play happy families.

If you grow up with people, they can "become" your family, even if you have no biological link. But you cannot approach a 14 year old and demand they treat you as family.

The child has never met the OP, has no reason to, needs nothing from her, and doesn't want to engage in any friendship.

If a couple marry, they choose to do so, there is NO guarantee that anybody within the existing family will accept the "new" person as family. No matter how much the new person might want it.

Stepping back and giving up any 'permanent' plans is the right way to go. After all if you lived together/married what are you going to do sit in the park for the day or check into a hotel overnight when she's with her dad?

I knew a couple where both of their respective children refused to meet the other person and refused to countenance the relationship, to the point of pitching a hissy if they even saw a possession of the other person in their parent's house. They agreed to 'soldier on' hoping that they'd 'grow out of it'. After 5 years, they still hadn't. Eventually this couple just agreed that they needed to split, no matter how they felt about each other. What a waste of time.

Does she think you were an OW? Sorry if I've missed that info.

I wouldn't worry too much about creating a relationship with her. She'll be a adult soon. In any case, the more you try to sorce it, the worse it's likely to get. Just carry on regardless

Considering that you have never met her, you know an awful lot of what happens when she’s at her dads.

Weirdlookingbricks No she doesn't. Her parents had been divorced 4 years before we met.

CaptainMarvelDanvers Because I communicate with DP...

And you don’t find it odd that your DP is complaining about his daughter and making the situation as to where it stands now as all down to her?

If she’s up in her room and only communicates to text him to bring her a drink then why can’t he talk to you on the phone? How would she know?

I would take what the DP says with a pinch of salt because it doesn’t sound like he will win father of the year. Teenagers aren’t perfect but often there is a reason why they are so insecure.

How long have you guys been together?

I would bear in mind: blending can only go at the speed as the slowest member, she isn’t even off the starting blocks.. and, things can always change..

Just ease off in every way.

Very interested to hear other families with very longterm gf’s where teens just don’t budge. Can’t imagine having to move out every weekend. Gulp.

Hope that doesn’t happen here, OP.

I think there are two issues here and I speak as an ex not a gf iyswim.

On the one hand I think that the DD doesn’t have to have a relationship with you or to meet your DC etc, and all too often the adults push this idea of having one big happy blended family on to the kids and when the kids aren’t on board with it they’re the ones who get the blame.

On the other hand however, expecting to not even be able to call your bf because their daughter is there and will be upset by it isn’t reasonable either. Yes, it can be said that calling round isn’t expected given that the DD doesn’t want to be a part of your setup, but ultimately, while people may argue the point that the DD just wants to spend time with her dad the reality is that the DD isn’t going to be spending 24/7 with him when she’s round there is she? The ultimate aim would be for his home to be like her home, and nobody would argue that other friends and family shouldn’t call when the DD is there because it’s her contact time. This is no different.

Personally I think that things like moving in together are not sustainable at this point, but the reality is that at some point the daughter is going to leave home, and it’s not reasonable to expect to put the relationship on hold forever because of the upset it might cause her at any point in her life.

While she’s a child she doesn’t have to accept being part of a family she’s not a part of, however this will at some point have to change if the relationship is at all sustainable. I would also say however that having more children would be unrealistic as you then end up with a very fragmented setup which will be unhealthy for all concerned.

My DC don’t have a relationship with their father’s partner for numerous reasons, and they see their dad outside the home and don’t stay over at all. But the upshot is that all the adults now live separate lives to an extent and the children have inadvertently become a part of that. So his partner does things independently with her children, one of which is with my ex. My ex does things independently with his children, either with his DC with me or his DC with his partner, and occasionally they do things as a family but our DC aren’t a part of that. I have no idea how the youngest will feel being pulled from pillar to post as they grow up, but it can’t be an easy way to grow up iyswim.

I would say however that while I support the DCs’ wish to not have a relationship with their dad’s partner,I absolutely wouldn’t tolerate them making demands on him such as her needing to never be in the house or call etc while they’re there in case it upsets their sensitivities. They don’t need to have a relationship with her but she does still exist, and she deserves that level of respect and acknowledgement at least.

Equally my own partner doesn’t live with me, and while the DC do have a decent relationship with him they have come to have that through their own decision and not through force on my account iyswim.

I think that a relationship where one partner is expected to essentially pretend they don’t exist is not sustainable in the long-term, and I personally would walk away.

LatentPhase We have known each other for over 2 years but took it very slowly to start, hence only telling the DC about us last year.

Very interested to hear other families with very longterm gf’s where teens just don’t budge. Can’t imagine having to move out every weekend. Gulp. I know, this amazed me too.

So what happens if you split up? Does he have to not have a relationship for the next 4 years (presuming she does 'allow' it when she's 18). Nobody should have to put their life on hold for a child. If she can control this aspect of his life where does it end? Will she tell him where he can live, what to wear, where he can go, who with etc..?
This is manipulative, for whatever reason and if left unchecked she will turn into a manipulative controlling woman when she grows up.
Maybe some counselling would be a good idea for her and her parents?

Thanks NoCauseRebel. You've said a lot of things I was thinking in your post.

I replied earlier about my situation.
My teens are fine with their Dad having relationships but they don't want to know any details and don't want to hang out with the gf. (None of his gf have had kids but if they did my kids would not want to be forced to hang out with her kids too) They see their Dad once a fortnight and want to be centre of his attention for 24 hours even if that attention is listening to music in another room. Their Dad agrees with this.

Confusedfornow you are missing my points.

If a couple marry, they choose to do so, there is NO guarantee that anybody within the existing family will accept the "new" person as family. No matter how much the new person might want it.

People can chose to behave however they want to but it doesnt make it right. Marriage means the joining of families, so they are family in the legal and social sense. If they choose not to have a relationship then that is a different thing.

The psychological wellbeing of kids is absolutely paramount and must be the first priority in any situation; however I find it sad that we are teaching kids that excluding people is okay and that their feelings are the only important ones. What happens when they grow up and the world doesnt march to the beat of their drum?

If there is a toxic or damaging scenario then that is a different thing but refusing to meet a long standing partner that is important to your parent doesn't seem like a healthy thing to me.

Family isn't just about who you are blood related too. Ridiculous notion

Only if the mutual relationship is there! This girl doesn’t want to know. And she should be forced to have some one in her life she doesn’t want there.

It always amazes me this.... and it’s always mostly adult females who see their arse because they are not being adored by some one else’s child.

Also I’m not sure about this idea of it all being fine when she turns 18. Children are often not independent until into their twenties, and they remain the DP’s children for ever more, albeit grow up children.

Hopefully things will evolve in the right direction. A year isn’t all that long.

If they choose not to have a relationship then that is a different thing

Which every single person is allowed to do - including children

Her loss! Doesn't surprise as at her age, she would be in a strop about it. Sounds like Daddy's little princess! Don't let that ruin yours and DP relationship.

Some ridiculous responses here accusing the OP of expecting his daughter to worship her or jump straight into one big happy blended family arrangement.

OP I completely see why you are concerned. At the moment the teenager is running the show and there are no signs of this changing so on a practical level, you can't see how you will ever be in a position to advance. As you know, this situation has been enabled by the adults.

Your dp needs to step up frankly, start parenting and stop being afraid of not being popular. Giving into her every demand is not doing the best for her, in fact he is setting her up for a life of misery.

You are going to have to plan some progression here. Baby baby steps. Perhaps a phonecall in her company. Then, a few weeks later, he drops something off to you when she's in the car. At some stage a brief introduction, then a meal together and so on. You might need to put a longer timeline on progression than you would have liked but take it very slowly, ensure she knows what is happening (no ambushes), make sure they always still get time together alone and that he reassures her at every opportunity that nobody will ever take her place in his heart but he is also in a relationship with you.

My partner's eldest is 17 and she would have behaved like this at 14 and also been completely pandered to. She is deeply unhappy. She literally cannot bear to get her own way and becomes scarily enraged when her father does not 'obey' her.

If he won't take responsibility, you should think long and hard about whether you want to get involved in such a messy situation. After all, he has created it himself. There is no point him moaning about her being a bratty teen while doing nothing about it.