DP's DC never wants to meet me.

[ThrowawayName1]

NC as DP knows my usual name.

Is there any way a relationship can progress when one partners DC acts like you don't exist? Can the relationship even work long term?

DP has teenage children from his previous marriage. He told them a year ago he was in a new relationship. I met his DS a couple of months later. DS has also met my children, been to my house for dinner, been out for birthday meals, etc. We seem to get on well.

His DD, however, wants nothing to do with me, won't acknowledge that her dad is in a relationship and refuses to meet me or my children.

My parents divorced when I was a teenager, so I can understand her point of view to an extent, but I am finding it hard that when she is spending time with her dad I have to essentially act like I don't exist. I can't ring him and speak to him, can't pop in for a cuppa, can't invite them on days out/out for lunch, etc.

My DC have a great relationship with DP and will regularly ask to pop by and say hello if we are passing DP's house on our way back from the shop or park. They find it pretty confusing that we can't go and see DP/call him to tell him about their day. I have tried to explain that he is spending alone time with his own DC but they get excited thinking they will get to meet her too and I then have to explain that this is not the case.

We have discussed marriage and moving in together within the next few years but I don't see how we will ever manage to. I'm upset at the fact that this relationship will not progress as DP is definitely the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I also understand having to be sympathetic to his daughters feelings and not push the matter.

Giraffes- it's a situation with no compromise.

Dad would like to introduce OP.
Dd does not want to meet OP.

The dd probably doesn't see the point. She has a mum in her life and the meeting each other's kids is a step that only benefits the adults really. The dd is 14 so meeting OP now probably won't make any difference to her. Meeting the kids is the next big step in the adult relationship and maybe she feels that if she says yes once then she'll be pressured to make it a regular thing or meet OP's dc (she doesn't say what age they are but I'm guessing much younger)

If it makes you feel any better OP it's not you that she's objecting to- she'd be the same with any woman that your partner was dating.

Not sure why you need to force him to chose between you and her.
Because - eventually this is what you are doing. You want him to put his foot down somehow.
She is 14. In a few years timw she’ll be leaving home - and definitely won’t be spending time with her dad.
No reason whatsoever why the relationship can’t continue and have future.
In fact - I am guessing by 16-17 she’ll be a lot more mature and start having bfs and will be easier to navigate about.

She doesn’t live with him now. If you don’t push and demand - and just keep going along with the relationship - it’ll all work out ok.

My late-DH's teenage children wouldn't meet me, we moved in together after a year or so, he saw his children elsewhere - they hadn't been staying overnight with him anyway, so he'd take them for meals, go to the cinema, go to his parents with them. One of them I did meet a bit eventually, dc would want a lift and we'd be going somewhere so I'd be in the car, but very infrequent. I think in time it would have improved, unfortunately they didn't get that time.

Marriage means the joining of families, so they are family in the legal and social sense

Please explain the legal culpabilitys of a step mother over a daughter. I’m really I treated to know.

As far as I’m away marriage is legally about TWO people. The two people that sign the contract

Not much to say a sly experience is not with teenagers but with pre-teens. Originally my DPs DC didn't want to meet me, one day they snapped out of it and some time down the line we all live together (part time). His DD is very at home , so much that my own DD is jealous! His DS has his days , but it's all down to age. They've never disrespected me which speaks volumes I think. The bottom line is that she might come around.

14 is a tough age. I don’t think she should be made to meet you and play happy families but neither should she be given the responsibility to run her father’s social life.

Of course she’s going to be overbearing and make ridiculous demands if she isn’t given gentle, firm boundaries.

You and your DP need to talk about how to start gently setting boundaries between his life and his role as her parent.

Being able to take phone calls from whoever he judges suitable during contact times would be a good start.

Disclaimer: Unless you’ve been doing gross phone sex or have cutesy pet names for each other...

You’re going to have to let nature take its course here. You can’t force her to like you.
In a couple of years, she may well want to. Don’t force the issue as they’ll only be one winner

Op this is MN ! Do you not know the 'rules'. You are attempting to have a relationship with a man who has children. THIS IS WRONG AND WILL NEVER WORK .
You MUST hide in a cupboard until you have had this relationship at least 10yrs and even then must leave the house when you move in together. So that kids (or young adults) can have 121 time with their parent despite the fa t that this mostly involves them sitting on their phones usually in another room..

Alternatively he can grow a back bone and tell her you aren't going anywhere. Speak to you on the phone and pop in when convenient to him. This doesn't mean you are forcing a relationship, she still doesn't need to meet you BUT she needs to be under no illusion that the relationship exists.

Sadly this is the downside of being a NRP and they are easy to blackmail.. 'behave as I wish or I won't come and visit ' it's bollocks and teaches nothing but manipulation works !

Don't force a relationship with the daughter but DO encourage him to mention you and allude to your relationship. She needs to get used to you being in the picture if not in her actual presence.

DO encourage him to mention you and allude to your relationship.

This isn't a good idea when she's made it clear, she's not interested in the OP.

Infact it could make things worse.

Fedupofthisrubbish thank you for your kind response. I also wasn't aware I had demanded she worship me, or tried to force any kind of relationship on her.

smallereveryday you really made me giggle! Thanks!

Please explain the legal culpabilitys of a step mother over a daughter. I’m really I treated to know.

I didn't mention culpabilities. Legally because the spouse becomes the next of kin which gives them legal rights to property, estate and so on. Therefore has a legal stake in the family and its future. This will impact offspring biological or not. Socially because you become part of the family tree through becoming an in-law whether that be DiL or SiL.

So you are part of the family. A relationship is a seperate matter.

Thought all that might be fairly obvious. You can pretend someone doesn't exist but they are still part of the family construct.

I'm pretty sure the OP isn't thirsting for legal culpability over her potentially future step daughter, just doesn't want to be invisible.

But it is a FACT. Pretending he isn't in a relationship with the OP doesn't make it true.

The argument that she needed time to get used to the idea before meeting (if she ever decides to meet) will never come to pass if she is lead to believe there is no relationship. The OP will be in the same boat in ten years time .

By mentioning it and alluding to it, the reality is stated. What she wants to do with that information is up to her. Lying by omission is what is happening here and they will never get further forward.
Kids be they step or biological do not get to dictate their parents relationship. The parents have a responsibility to ensure that the new partner does nothing to upset them, that does not mean they can say who there father has a relationship with based on a simple dislike of an idea that he is seeing someone.
He needs to tell her the truth and grow a backbone.

I think your biggest problem is that you're in a relationship with a man who has no backbone. Allowing your 14 year old child to control your life is absolutely ridiculous. Find yourself an actual adult

Yep! I’m really pleased my parents didn’t give me such a bizarre level of control over their personal lives.

Imagine OP does the sensible thing and leaves to find someone who she can have a real relationship with. When his daughter grows up an looks back and realises she ruined his relationship she’s going to feel really guilty.

Shit parenting from her father.

To be honest I can't see a future for your relationship unless your dp steps up and starts acting like an adult. His dd is running the show and acting like a spoilt brat. Of course the adults in the situation should be aware of her feelings and respectful but allowing her to get away with behaviour such as they are is damaging in itself.

I'm pretty sure the OP isn't thirsting for legal culpability over her potentially future step daughter, just doesn't want to be invisible

And the dd doesn’t want to met her. Op can not force any one to meet her. She should just focus on the ‘family’ that do. Just because she is a significant other to the father doesn’t mean she has to be a significant person in any of his family members life. You don’t buy your self a spot in some ones entire family just because you shack up with some one.

Yes she may have legal rights over assets and house but that’s about it. She really doesn’t have any rights towards his kids.

Motherofcreek you seem to have disappeared into a world of your own and projected that on to the OPs question !
At no point has she suggested forcing herself on to her partners DD. The question was about the future of a relationship when dads way of dealing with his daughters dislike of him having ANY relationship- is to pander to her and pretend they aren't in a relationship. Which is bollocks.
What use is that. ?
Do you let your own children dictate your relationships ? If so you need a backbone.

This is teaching nothing except 'how to make unreasonable demands ' 'and how to manipulate.'

The DD NEVER has to meet the OP. What the DP needs to do is to make sure his daughter doesn't think this behaviour 'works' and to make sure that she understands the relationship continues with or without her meeting OP.

The thing is, it’s perfectly ok to suggest that the DD doesn’t need to meet or have a relationship with her father’s GF while they’re still living apart etc.

But to suggest that there are situations where the partner has moved in and has to clear out on weekends where th children wish to visit is absolutely ridiculous and no-one should be going along with that kind of arrangement.

So in short, if the children are adamant that they don’t want to meet the new partner, and the parent is happy to take that on board, I would say that there isn’t a future in the relationship and the OP should walk away.

Time cures all. You just need to be patient. Obviously there are problems with dp's parenting. He's allowing DD to run the show. But it won't go on forever, the DD will grow up and find boyfriends of her own, and she'll mellow (hopefully). Is the do worth the wait?

DP not do

While everything your partner has said may be true, I would bare in mind that you only have his word for it. Without ever meeting her you have an incredibly negative perception of her.

If he truly thought of her as a princess who mustn't be upset for any reason, would he really paint her in such a bad light to you?

Somewhere along the line something doesn't add up.

I’ve not disappeared anywhere small - I’m sat here just eating my lunch on a break.

op has pointed out dd is refusing to see her which implies she’s been asked multiple times.

Where does it say dd refuses to acknowledge any relationship? It’s just op dd doesn’t want to meet. Maybe if he had a new one she may be more inclined..

A parent not forcing a relationship between a girlfriend and child is now called ‘pandering’ maybe the dd just isn’t interested.

Do you let your own children dictate your relationships ? If so you need a backbone

No. Dh and I parent effectively. What have you that idea - is it because I understand the dds point?

This is teaching nothing except 'how to make unreasonable demands ' 'and how to manipulate

I’d say it’s better than making kids pretend to like dads new girlfriend - or even more giving her time. They don’t live with each other. Op bf could drop her tomorrow and there would be some one else dd had to get to know, pretend to like.

The DD NEVER has to meet the OP. What the DP needs to do is to make sure his daughter doesn't think this behaviour 'works' and to make sure that she understands the relationship continues with or without her meeting OP.

How do you know he isn’t already trying to...

She is a child. Give her a break

I agree lunar

I agree @lunar

I think there is something odd about a parent complaining about his child to someone who has never met her, blaming her for the reason their relationship isn’t moving forward.

Something doesn’t add up and I think it’s awful that posters are calling her names and saying she is manipulative when the OP hasn’t even met her.

Op, I think her rejection of blending is a symptom of her relationship with her dad.

As others have pointed out he seems unable to relate to her and you are accepting his version of her behaviour. I suspect that is edited for you and he is not actually listening to her so she had dug her heels in. She must be doing something positive when they are together if not then he has bigger issues to fix rather than focus on getting her to accept you.

Ex gets it a incredibly wrong with our DC especially with sensitive issues like this and always blames the children, me or something else. He just fails to see or relate to their feelings.

I have also seen this situation where DC refuse to meet the new partner and it usually because the nrp has handled the situation terribly from the outset and it has set the tone.
Prior to you were their other girlfriends?

If you want the situation to change be more critical & supportive of his parenting of her..I think if you look at it from his failure to handle it properly rather than blame the child, you will get more progress.

Try to see it from her perspective, what would motivate her to meet you? Seeing her Dad happy isn't a valid motivation for a teen, she has enough on her plate with divorced parents, friendship issues, exams stress etc.
Assume it will be years and plan your life around that.
Is there an age gap between you two?