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Original poster

Online dating - was it my fault I got stood up?

78 replies

Newdata · 26/02/2019 14:50

Haven't been doing online dating long. Have a met a couple of nice guys though hasn't gone anywhere. I'm not especially desperate for a relationship and have found it all quite fun and laidback.

Got talking to a guy a few days ago and it was a nice conversation straight away. We arranged to meet up last night so nothing big since it was a weeknight, just a drink. I've had lots of conversations with people but few I want to actually meet. It needs to flow the right way for me and it did with him.

Anyway we arranged a time when we first organised it and then yesterday he messaged double checking the time. This was at about 2pm. I was working so didn't reply til 4pm confirming the time. This message was seen but not replied to. Then a couple of hours before we were due to meet I sent a message just asking if we will meet out the front of the bar. Not seen and not replied to. Both of us are quite busy and slow to reply so I didn't think much of it and trotted off to meet the the right time. He didn't show up. At the time we were meant to meet I messaged again. Neither of my last two messages were seen, and WhatsApp was showing he hadn't been online since he'd seen my 4pm message.

I was a bit put out as I just really did not expect it from him, I know you don't know anyone but our conversation had been great, very upfront and straightforward no sense of games etc. We have interests in common that we had both expressed we'd like to talk further about if nothing else.

This morning he sent a message apologising, that he'd left his phone at work so therefore couldn't get in touch and asking to rearrange.

The tone of his message suggests he doesn't think I actually turned up and now I'm wondering if it was weird for me to go given the messages not being replied to?? Feel like I shouldn't have gone and feel a bit embarrassed to admit that I did. My friends say no a time was confirmed and nothing was cancelled but I'm not sure. The embarrassment may just come from having been stood up.

Not sure if I'll give him another chance or not my question is more of you would have actually gone to the date in those circumstances?

OP posts:
MIA12 · 26/02/2019 15:52

If you want to give him a second chance send something like PPs suggestion:

Shame. First time I've ever been stood up; guess it just wasn't meant to be.

If he just leaves it then he’s flakey. If he’s adamant that it was a genuine mistake you can reconsider. Personally I’ve found giving flakey people second chances just leads to more upset, usually once you’re starting to actually like them.

toach · 26/02/2019 15:53

I think he copped a strop because you didn't reply quickly enough to his 2pm message.

Asta19 · 26/02/2019 15:56

None of this was your "fault" though. You just did what any decent person would do. You turned up as agreed. The thing I learned about internet dating is that a lot of people don't see the person they're talking to as a "real" person with actual feelings! I'm not saying it's just men, women may well do it too but I never dated women so I don't know! I just know a lot of men do it. It's like conversing through the screen gives them a level of detachment from the whole thing.

So for him he's thinking, ok we didn't meet that night. Not a big deal, we'll meet a different night. Whereas I see it that if you make an arrangement you honour it or you cancel it in an honest way. You don't leave someone dangling on a string and let them down at the last minute.

GraceMarks · 26/02/2019 16:00

That happened to me once, in very similar circumstances! We had, I thought, arranged to meet at X bar at 6pm, and then on the day at about 4pm he sent me a message saying "hi". I was driving at the time and didn't have much time to get home, get ready, and then set out again for the date, so I didn't reply. He then didn't turn up, and when I messaged him to ask where he was, he said he'd assumed the date was off because I hadn't replied to his "hi". I asked him why the hell he didn't say something like "Just checking we're still on for tonight" or, you know, something that obviously required a response, and then he blocked me. Men, eh...?

In your case, you replied to his message and you know he saw it, so obviously he was looking for an excuse not to turn up. Chalk it up to experience, ignore him, move on.

Moralitym1n1 · 26/02/2019 16:05

He'd need a gold-plated cock

That sounds very uncomfortable Wink.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2019 16:09

But has he actually said WHY he didn't show up? He's said he hadn't got his phone so couldn't rearrange but why did he cancel so late??

Dimsumlosesum · 26/02/2019 16:12

Nah, who can be bothering with all that? Don't bother with him.

KhaleesiTargaryen · 26/02/2019 16:14

Agree with PP to ditch.
He either had another option as asta said or was testing you to see if you’ll tolerate his crap or he is genuinely flakey. None of these are attractive characteristics.
There is no good reason for standing you up (reinforced by his attitude today). It was rude.

I think Asta is on the money.

Jaxinthebox · 26/02/2019 16:18

Nope, send him a message saying thanks but no thanks - he hasnt given any reason not to show up.

Move on, block him. He was flakey and rude.

sagradafamiliar · 26/02/2019 16:22

No one leaves their phone at work, especially not the night you're due to meet your date.
Are you sure the message at 2 o'clock was him confirming or could he have been hinting at backing out? Either way, you not responding in his preferred timeframe gave him the 'ok' to cancel on you.
No there would be no second chance from me.

ComtesseDeSpair · 26/02/2019 16:25

On the basis that he didn’t check in to his WhatsApp after 4pm I’d assume genuine. I mean, he’s unlikely to ignore all the other WhatsApp messages he’ll have received from other people all yesterday evening if he’d actually had his phone with him.

But I live in a pretty laid back and functional world where people do stuff like forget their phones from time to time and where such human error doesn’t need to be “called out” or treated as if it’s the most heinous crime of communication they could commit.

Entirely up to you on whether you give him a second chance. Personally I would and would then just treat it like every other first date I go on - no big deal, show up, if they don’t then I get to have a glass of wine in a nice bar with my book. Have never been stood up, have never had a bad date, have never been involved with men who I’d describe as anything other than nice, have never had a shitty relationship. I reckon my game is pretty strong.

sagradafamiliar · 26/02/2019 16:30

That's nice for you comtesse.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2019 16:39

Comtesse but he hasn't actually explained why he didn't turn up. This sounds more like he decided he couldn't be arsed at the last minute than his Gran died holding his hand.

SuziQ10 · 26/02/2019 16:42

Maybe just leave it.
Either he couldn't be bothered to turn up / had made more interesting plans by the time you responded at 4.. or he's an idiot that leaves his phone everywhere and can't remember simple plans.

Quietplace19 · 26/02/2019 16:58

Leave it though. DON'T call him out on it, you'll look petty for no reason

Just move on and find a nice guy who'll take you on a date :)

Musti · 26/02/2019 17:03

Nah. I wouldn't bother with him. If he's really interested he'll pursue but the6modt normal people would have gone back to work to get their phones or turned up, even if it was for a quick drink.

MumsyJ · 26/02/2019 17:15

I go with the majority.... forget about him. Do not reschedule as he's trained himself to mess women up by pretending to be on same wavelength, then never turns up on a sheduled date....

It probably isn't his main mobile phone, just the mobile phone for his online shenanigans. What an idiot!

Dieu · 26/02/2019 17:53

He's the one in the wrong here OP, and not you Thanks
I definitely wouldn't be rescheduling anyway.

Original poster
Newdata · 26/02/2019 18:02

I'm interested in what he says as he's basically only given me the reason he didn't get in touch - not the reason he couldn't make it. So I've replied quite lightly saying
"Don't worry too much, leaving phone behind sounds like something I'd do! What came up that you couldn't make it? A better date 😂"

I'm not really that invested, we hadn't talked for long so I'm not too bothered about what happens. I'm interested to hear what he says though!

OP posts:
HappyLife21 · 26/02/2019 18:15

So are we Grin

UpAndDown89 · 26/02/2019 18:39

You did nothing wrong and he sounds like a player. Not someone I’d want to give a second chance. Love that message, well done!

category12 · 26/02/2019 18:59

I wouldn't give him a second chance - he knew when & where the date was, he didn't need his phone with him to turn up.

His answer will be fascinating, I'm sure Grin and I hope we get to hear it, but whatever it is, I'd be out. I have a low tolerance for piss-aboutery.

Original poster
Newdata · 26/02/2019 19:00

I think he genuinely didn't really see it as confirmed. Probably sound hopelessly naïve but I don't think it would be that hard to do if you've got lots of conversations going. I can imagine leaving my phone behind and not being 100% sure if we'd confirmed if I was a bit all over the place.

Anyway he saw it 20 mins ago no reply 😂

OP posts:
MIA12 · 26/02/2019 19:04

Think you’re giving him more credit than he’s due New and his lack of reply again just confirms that. He’s a flake, you can do better.

Onemansoapopera · 26/02/2019 19:27

I think he got nervous after you didn't reply and did something not unheard of in MN circles and purposely didn't go on Whatsapp in case you'd rejected him. I'd 100% give him another chance because why the hell not. Maybe just maybe he's not satan or a complete knob and he just had first date nerves instead.

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