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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex is accusing me of all sorts

67 replies

WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 07:49

I think I'm just about at the end of my line.

Very abridged version...
Split with ex a few months ago. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive and threatening then it got physical at the end and I left.
I shouldn't be in contact with him but I was so worried about his well being because of how it took it that I have been.

Whilst in the relationship I was accused constantly of cheating, sending messages, sexting etc, all of which completely untrue.

He's still doing it now. Claiming he knows I've been dating other people, or messaging and being in contact with other men.

I am so emotionally broken by what happened between us I am in no position to be doing any of those things. I'm trying to pick myself up off the floor and rebuild my self esteem. Dating is the single last thing on my mind.

I can't really explain why his accusations bother me so much, but I just can't bear the thought that ANYONE thinks I'm a liar or a cheat, particularly someone who i loved so deeply. I am not and have never been any of those things.

How do I stop caring about something which I know is all completely in his head and stop feeling like I have to keep defending myself about something I haven't done?!
It's breaking me all over again

OP posts:
HK20 · 26/02/2019 07:53

Just cut him off - you don't need that toxicity in your life.

thefirst48 · 26/02/2019 07:53

You start by blocking this prick and if he manages to contact you, you ignore it!

Singlenotsingle · 26/02/2019 07:54

He's obsessed, unhinged and possibly dangerous. Can't you just block him and refuse to let him have any contact? Unfriend him on FB and change your phone number.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2019 07:54

He is doing this also to you because he can.

Stop contacting him. You need to block him because all he has done here is drag you down with him into his pit. His opinion of you is meaningless because he is an abusive person and you will not get any peace, let alone any sense of closure from him. He is continuing to dangle you on a string.

Do consider having a chat with Womens Aid and enrolling yourself also onto their Freedom Programme. It could help you no end in future. Consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

sackrifice · 26/02/2019 07:54

He is doing it for your reaction to draw you back in.

You need to block him. He is toxic.

And don't worry about what anyone thinks of you. You know you best.

Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 07:54

I did block him originally but I caved because I was so worried about his state of mind and still love him. I know that sounds insane....
I just cannot stand the thought that he thinks I'm lying. I'm a good fucking person.

OP posts:
HK20 · 26/02/2019 07:56

You'll never get over him while he's still in your life.
It may be tough to block him and keep him blocked but worrying about his mental state is affecting yours. You can't sacrifice yourself for him anymore.

WoogleCone · 26/02/2019 07:58

You need to completely cut all ties, block all numbers and social media.

He's carrying on with this behaviour because you're responding to it. You've got to let it go in order to move on. He sounds like an utter shit and you don't deserve the treatment you're getting.
Be kind to yourself OP Flowers

Hellohappy · 26/02/2019 07:58

He doesn’t think you’re lying. That’s the whole point. You need to disengage.

MashedSpud · 26/02/2019 07:58

He’s controlling you by making you worry. Cut all contact, forever. If he harms himself then it’s his problem, not yours.

paap1975 · 26/02/2019 07:59

He doesn't think you're lying. He's manipulating you and it's working.

Even if you were lying, you're (you claim) not in a relationship with him any more, so he has no say anyway

Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 08:02

I just felt sorry for him I think and also I hate the thought of being the person that causes someone else's heartache.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 08:03

I do know he caused it by his behaviour,but he tells me I've given up on him

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 26/02/2019 08:03

A lot of the time, it means he did these things, not you.
So if he is doing them, you must be as well...
Just don't answer his rants.
You are not responsible for his MH he is.
Only answer comments about your child, keep your answer short.

Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 08:03

No children together fortunately or I'd be in a even bigger mess

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 08:05

I'm so tired of crying and being made to feel like a bad person.
I was even sat thinking to myself the other day "have I messaged someone?"

How fucked up is that? I'm actually questioning my own sanity now even though I KNOW I haven't done any of the things he's said

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 26/02/2019 08:05

He can say what he wants, no one that matters will believe it. Try not to let it get to you, he’s going for a reaction. Block block block.

Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 08:08

He blamed all his horrible behaviour on being depressed and claims its not who he is and that he can change.
I faltered a bit with my reserve a few times and wondered if he could change. But he's still doing it now isn't he?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 26/02/2019 08:10

As others have said block him.

I’d even go as far as getting a temporary phone number for a few weeks, just give the new number to friends and family and say it’s just temporary for a few weeks - just get a spare SIM card

Block on social media

This will give you time to really establish that he’s trying to wear you down and it’s him with the jealousy issues not you

loubieloulou · 26/02/2019 08:11

Have some self respect & drop this manipulative fuck like a hot brick!

Who cares about 'his' state of mind. He is playing you & you are falling for it all over again being so 'concerned'

If he cared about you he would have/be treating you like he has/is doing.

If you were my friend I wouldn't have any sympathy for you when you are allowing him to treat you like this over & over again.

Singlenotsingle · 26/02/2019 08:13

This will go on forever if you let it. You need to take control now.

Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 08:14

Woah. Ok.

Ill just add that it's a bit difficult to behave like a normal well adjusted person when you've been in an abusive situation and your self esteem has been worn down.

I'm trying my best.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyIsHeStillDoingThis · 26/02/2019 08:16

Thank you for all your advice. I needed to get it off my chest, I know what I need to do.
I've always been a pathetic people pleaser and find it very hard to accept being the source of someone's upset.

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 26/02/2019 08:16

Let him think what he wants. He will anyway and nothing you do is going to persuade him otherwise. Tell him it’s over, you want no further contact with him and then block him on everything. If you need to be in contact with him then go grey rock - don’t react to his accusations - that’s where he’s getting his power - in your reactions. His happiness and well-being is not your responsibility.

loubieloulou · 26/02/2019 08:20

Be strong OP.

There is a reason men like him aren't married/ already taken.

Sorry to be so blunt in my response x you sound like a good person & you deserve better Thanks

Just BLOCK BLOCK & BLOCK xXx

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