Ex is accusing me of all sorts

[WhyIsHeStillDoingThis]

I think I'm just about at the end of my line.

Very abridged version...
Split with ex a few months ago. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive and threatening then it got physical at the end and I left.
I shouldn't be in contact with him but I was so worried about his well being because of how it took it that I have been.

Whilst in the relationship I was accused constantly of cheating, sending messages, sexting etc, all of which completely untrue.

He's still doing it now. Claiming he knows I've been dating other people, or messaging and being in contact with other men.

I am so emotionally broken by what happened between us I am in no position to be doing any of those things. I'm trying to pick myself up off the floor and rebuild my self esteem. Dating is the single last thing on my mind.

I can't really explain why his accusations bother me so much, but I just can't bear the thought that ANYONE thinks I'm a liar or a cheat, particularly someone who i loved so deeply. I am not and have never been any of those things.

How do I stop caring about something which I know is all completely in his head and stop feeling like I have to keep defending myself about something I haven't done?!
It's breaking me all over again

I just cannot stand the thought that he thinks I'm lying. I'm a good fucking person.

He doesn't actually care if you're a good or bad person. All he cares about is his ego. If he demonises you in his head he doesn't need to address how he abused you.

*I was even sat thinking to myself the other day "have I messaged someone?"

How fucked up is that?*

That's because he's been gaslighting you and you mistrusting reality is the result.

Read up about narsisistic behaviour and Lundy Bancroft, your ex sounds like a great head worker. Get help from your local woman’s aid and please grow some self respect. Stop feeding him your time, I bet you are pinned up with anxiety and that won’t stop till you stop being addicted to his anusive nature. Sorry to be harsh but it took me three years to grow a back bone and I will never let anyone get hold of me like my ex did. They are selfish and it’s got nothing to do with you, you just happen to be feeding his needs today, stop that.

I just cannot stand the thought that he thinks I'm lying. I'm a good fucking person.

It really doesn't matter what he thinks since he is unhinged, abusive and pathetic. He does it because you let him. You have to just block and ignore, that's the only healthy way to deal with this. Why complicate your life, and possibly risk you mental and physical health because of an abusive nutter? If you keep engaging in communication with him, you have noone to blame but yourself, honestly. You are your own responsibility.

This is the kick up the arse I needed.
THANK YOU.
I think because my ex before him that I was with for many years left me in terrible circumstances I was vulnerable and didn't see the red flags early on and before I knew it I was in a huge mess. I did love him desperately and so wanted him to be different. I know now this was pointless because he is who he is

I was vulnerable
Exactly. People like him prey on people who are vulnerable.

OP, a similar thing happened to me. I didn't block him because I was so worried he would follow through on some of his more extreme threats (like killing himself). Needless to say, he didn't and then I found out that while he was sending me all those desperate messages and accusations, he already had a new girlfriend.

He had moved on and I was left emotionally destroyed and totally exhausted. If I could do anything, I would go back in time and block him on day one. I am fine now but the process would have been so much easier if I had just cut him off straightaway. You are not responsible for him anymore so if you can, be brave, block him and refuse to let him manipulate you!

if he demonises you in his own head he doesn't need to address how he abused you
^this so so true

They make you chase your own tail as it keeps you too busy to call them up on their own rotten behaviour!
My own crap ex accused me of all sorts of shit (cheating neglecting dc) while he was refusing to support his dc financially, was on drugs and moved abroad without letting dc know!
I was the crappy one though for dumping him

Keep away from him. Inform the Police.

Forget worrying about whether people think you're a liar or such, they think that about everybody including their best friends!
Live your life without worrying what people say or are thinking, that way you'll break free from damaging relationships and find happiness.

He's 1 man in your 1 life. Don't make a man your be all and end all. Especially when he's not even making you feel good.

If you were so good together then you'd be together. Do you want to grow old still crying as you wasted your good years on a toxic man, and memories of a toxic relationship?

Im possibly cynical but I believe it is possible to face yourself and accept that a particular person you love is not good for you. & that cutting him off will be hard, and painful, but you won't actually die for lack of him. If you need GP and therapy for support then so be it. Anything that helps.

So many people hang on for toxic love as it draws you in. Then you're scared of 'going through the fire' in terms of missing and craving him when you cut him off. Yet the blocking, missing and craving is exactly what needs to happen so you can heal eventually and have a better life.

What will you be missing really, though? A man who is a massive pain the arse who won't shut up about me me me and makes every day grey. It must be doing your head in, listening to him moaning and carrying on. How boring that he chooses to be like this.

You're worried about him - you're not qualified to help him re his supposed depression or whatever else it is that's afflicting him. Your dynamic together is not a good one. If he wants help he will go and seek it.

What's the actual point of him, when there are decent men out there who won't inflict that mess on you?

As for what other people may think - that's yet another road to disaster, being too caught up in what others may or may not think of you. If they believe him then they're not your friends are they? In which case you just don't need them around. & Why should they believe him by the way..is he a living walking Saint?

There are better ways to live.

Just picked my phone up again to block and got a message saying "we have nothing to discuss, don't contact me again"

😂 Absolute fruit loop. He's the one who always initiates contact for gods sake.

Fuck this. I'm completely done. Let him drink and drug himself into oblivion. I'm done caring about someone who is an abusive cunt.

First day of the rest of my life.

he said the reason my ex left me so soon after I lost a baby was because he knew I was a whore and the baby I lost wasn't his

I had to read this several times to make sure I read it right. That's really vile.

Just picked my phone up again to block and got a message saying "we have nothing to discuss, don't contact me again"

Anyone want to start a sweepstake on how long it takes him to send his next text because you haven't answered?

BLOCK!

First day of the rest of my life.

It is! Enjoy it! Lovely sunny day out there (well, if you're in the UK); get outside and make some plans.

Yep! I'm out in the sun having lunch with my best friend.

FUCK HIM.

I just can't bear the thought that ANYONE thinks I'm a liar or a cheat, particularly someone who i loved so deeply. I am not and have never been any of those things.

So trying to prove you are a good person keeps you on the hook. He's manipulating you, it gives him a power buzz that you keep coming back looking for his approval.

he tells me I've given up on him

I hope you finally have!

Be prepared - when he realizes he no longer has any power over you, he will try other tactics to reel you in again. Crying, suicide threats, love bombing. Don't react to it.

got a message saying "we have nothing to discuss, don't contact me again"

Perfect! Grant his wish. Enjoy your lunch

*TheSecondMrsAshwell"

Yes isn't that just the most disgusting thing you've heard? You have to be a special kind of fucked up to say something like that, drunk or not