Ex is accusing me of all sorts

[WhyIsHeStillDoingThis]

I think I'm just about at the end of my line.

Very abridged version...
Split with ex a few months ago. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive and threatening then it got physical at the end and I left.
I shouldn't be in contact with him but I was so worried about his well being because of how it took it that I have been.

Whilst in the relationship I was accused constantly of cheating, sending messages, sexting etc, all of which completely untrue.

He's still doing it now. Claiming he knows I've been dating other people, or messaging and being in contact with other men.

I am so emotionally broken by what happened between us I am in no position to be doing any of those things. I'm trying to pick myself up off the floor and rebuild my self esteem. Dating is the single last thing on my mind.

I can't really explain why his accusations bother me so much, but I just can't bear the thought that ANYONE thinks I'm a liar or a cheat, particularly someone who i loved so deeply. I am not and have never been any of those things.

How do I stop caring about something which I know is all completely in his head and stop feeling like I have to keep defending myself about something I haven't done?!
It's breaking me all over again

Sounds like you have been through the mill with him OP. So glad you got out. Have you had any counselling? Even a short course could be hugely beneficial (it was for me when I left my abusive ex)

It's ok, I think I need a good talking to.
It's so hard to let go of what could have been. I genuinely thought he was the one. I've never felt so strongly about anyone before in my life and most of the time it was lovely. Perfect. But he had a monstrous side. He said the most damaging things to me I've ever heard. Really really cruel things designed to hurt me. Even used a miscarriage I had to shame me - he said the reason my ex left me so soon after I lost a baby was because he knew I was a whore and the baby I lost wasn't his

No counselling just yet. Looked at the freedom course an emailed the local group but I've had no response

Who taught you how to people please?. (That was probably your mother, did your parents make you somehow feel responsible for their happiness too at the expense of your own). It is really that behaviour that you are going to have to properly address as well now because you will keep on having problems relating to this otherwise.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-flux/201710/10-things-help-you-stop-being-people-pleaser

You do not need his opinion nor approval, not that he would ever give you that anyway. His opinion is meaningless because he is an abuser.

You are struggling to disengage from a horrible man who has damaged you. Most people would have blocked him ages ago, marked it up to experience, given thanks for not having had kids with him and moved on.

The fact you are still clinging on to him says you are reacting in a way that is not healthy and you need help to get yourself a fresh perspective. My advice: block him and get counselling.

My ex did the exact same thing OP. I was repeatedly accused of cheating on him etc whilst I later found out he was sending flirty messages and naked photos of himself to a few different women when we were together. When I broke up with him he kept accusing me of seeing someone else. I never cheated. There was no one else. It just made it easier for him to blame me instead of taking any responsibility for his own shitty behaviour. He wanted to be able to tell people I had left because I was cheating on him instead of admitting I had left because he was a terrible husband and father. When dropping off the kids my phone beeped to say a text had been received. He went nuts when I wouldn’t tell him who it was but I stayed strong and repeatedly said it was none of his business and I don’t answer to him anymore. He has said so many horrible things to me he’d deny two minutes later. I missed him at first too although I’d never tell him that. He threatened suicide and I was worried he might do it but it was all part of his manipulation to try and keep control over me. He’s poison and your ex is too. If you continue to keep in contact with him you will not be able to move on and clearly see how toxic your relationship with him is. That’s only truly clear when you’re looking back and not in the middle of it. Stay strong OP. He’ll never change. You did the right thing. Xx

Sorry you are going through this. I had a narcissist bully for a boyfriend too. He is angry that you had the nerve to end the relationship and he is punishing you.
You were hurt, confused, bewildered at the accusations and no doubt begged him to believe you weren't cheating. It is nearly impossible to prove a negative so he always had the upper hand. You could never prove him wrong.
He is using that tried and tested method of upsetting you. It worked before and is still working now.
You could take a lie detector to prove you were not cheating, and he would say, 'you shagged the operator.' or 'you found a way to fool the machine.'
Nothing you say or do will ever change his mindset.
The desire to prove him wrong and you right, will fade. Meanwhile, change your phone number and delete/block him.

He is still abusing you.
Stop allowing him to do so.
You are basically enabling this behaviour.
Block him.
Chase up on doing the Freedom Programme.
Free yourself of all the abuse.

Thank you so much everyone. I think I knew all these things but sometimes you really need it spelling out to you in plain language.
The only reason I unblocked him was because his business partner had contacted me saying he was in a total state so I was worried and sucked back in. Idiot. It was left for a bit and didn't hear anything now he's all fired up again.

To the pp who have had abusive relationships, I'm so sorry you've been through that too. It's so fucking damaging.

Yes, I used to beg, plead, cry to make him believe me. Shameful really.

Attila yes some of what you've said resonates with me. My mum will often make my problems about her and I end up feeling guilty that she's "having sleepless nights" about me or I'm "worrying her to death". Not helpful!

Why haven't you blocked him?

I did block him, but unblocked because of the conversation I'd heard things that worried me. Answerphone messages can still get through if he calls through a withheld number. I'm reluctant to change my number because I've had it over 15 years and and it would be an enormous pain to change it both personally and professionally

He will be lying to his business partner about what went on. If other people contact you, don't believe a word of what any of his friends, family or acquaintances say about him.

He is still abusing you. Please just block him in every way possible.

he tells me I've given up on him

You NEED to give up on him.

His mental health is not your responsibility - but yours is.

Please BLOCK him and dis-engage. Agree that counselling might be useful for you.

OP - it is impossible to prove something that you didn't do. You know this. HE knows this, which is why he can and does throw it at you - because it hurts you, he is still controlling you.

The only way to disengage is to DISENGAGE! His state of mind is HIS problem - your state of mind is yours. You will harm your own MH if you don't disengage.

Anyone who contacts you about him - is a flying monkey. Cast off by him to contact you, to spread the 'concern' for him, to make sure you know that he is still in control.

If he has fragile mental health, he needs to see a doctor. not you - you can't help him, and contacting him again will not help him. Or you!

He is still abusive, just much more subtle. And getting others to manipulate you too.

Block him. Help your own self.

Please block him. Until you do, neither of you will move on - in your case, to a healthier place. It's simply a continuation of abuse by other means.

You say you are worried about his mental health.Why should his happiness be put ahead of yours.

Please - give up on him. This does not make you nasty, unfeeling or a bitch (I am sure he has told you all of this!). It means you have self respect and the strength to walk away.

Go on. Take you phone, block those numbers and texts. In two minutes time, you will feel relieved.

Op what about you? What about your own state of mind?
It's ok to give up on someone who has hurt you deeply

Stop worrying about him and concentrate on you
You can't drive yourself to the edge of your own sanity worrying over a toxic man
Start putting you first,
it's time to batten down own hatches and look after your mental health.
The less of this toxic bs you hear the better you will feel
Who cares about shitty accusations you don't ever hear??

And anyone who tries to drag you backwards passing on 'woe is him' messages doesn't care about you either!
You can do this OP let him go untangle yourself from putting his feelings first. You matter more than an abuser!

Block him now.
His mental health problems are not your responsibility. The previous time I split with my ex he kept phoning and saying he wanted to kill himself etc. Mutual friends would ring me up "worrying" about him. I took him back. He was then ok for a while but then started going to prostitutes again and abusing alcohol. It was appalling. We split again and he was going to start the same old thing until I found the strength to block him completely and told all mutual friends that I was not interested in hearing anything about him at all.
It is all just tactics to get you back and you need to be strong. I was worried sick about my ex potentially committing suicide but now I realize that it is not my problem and not my fault. It is exactly the same for you.

Also you can't be in a relationship where someone basically doesn't trust you (for whatever reason) and accuses you of cheating all the time. It is very controlling. He's even doing it now.
Hell's bells - if you want to sleep with 20 men that is your business because you are SINGLE. If you want to message a couple of nice guys it has nothing to do with him because you are SINGLE.
It is his problem what he believes. You really can't make anyone else believe or not believe something. You sound like a really nice person and he has taken advantage of that (and is continuing to do so).

You are not responsible for him. I have been where you are now and neither of you are healing and in fact what he is attempting to do is break you down to real you back in. This is what my ex did and I broke up with him five times bevaus

Sorry pressed the post button too soon

Because he broke me down and raked me in.
Just be kind to yourself and think of you for a change and stop co depending. The reason you are not mowing on is be side you are allowing him to still abuse you by being incontact. Don’t give him that power over you. You can message me if you like. All the best.

Cut him off and get counselling.

I'd bet that he was the one cheating. That's what they do: accuse you of things to draw attention from what they are doing.

My ex told his OW all sorts of crap about me, such nonsense that even she responded with amazement that I would do such weird things. I know how it feels when it seems like everyone must think the worst of you.

Counselling and no contact.

Thank you so much for all your kindness and advice. I really am taking it all in. In all honesty I do feel responsible for him. I know that's utterly ridiculous, it feels ridiculous typing it. I just need the space away I think to get my head straight.

I do wonder if it's because I feel responsible for some of the problems we had in the relationship. I'm difficult to live with sometimes and argumentative, but have to keep telling myself I didn't deserve to be called a whore, cunt, slut, trash etc. Or to be threatened with violence or to feel intimidated.
Urgh its such a mess. I just dont know how I got here! I'm independent, own my own home, good career, lovely friends and doing a pretty good job of raising DC on my own.
What the hell happened?

Have you blocked him now?

Think of it this way, he has a remote control that he uses to control you. He presses a button to make you feel guilty, he presses a button to make you feel responsible. He presses a button to make you hate yourself.

That remote control is called a phone and he has it in his hand and he's tap tap tapping away at the buttons.

The only way to block his remote control is to block his phone.

The only person you are responsible for is yourself. You cannot control his actions or reactions you can only control yours. What he say and does is on him not you.

He is only saying all that stuff to you because he KNOWS it will provoke a reaction from you and he is feeding off of that. The more you give him something, anything to feed off he will. For both your sakes you need to block him and move forward.

It really does not matter what he thinks anymore you are not part of a relationship with him. YOU know the truth and really thats all that matters. Learn from the relationship and move on.

Block him now and set yourself a goal of no contact for 30 days - no matter what. Make a calendar for the wall and tick off the days - then reward yourself with a nice day out for yourself when you get to 30 days. I read this on here a couple of months ago - another poster had done this and said it really helped her.

He sounds absolutely awful. Men like this are manipulative and go on and on and on at the woman until she feels worthless and believes that everything is her fault. They often pick on people who were successful and full of life to begin with. The woman ends up like a shell of her former self. If she manages to break free from this she needs a long time to build herself up again. (Ask me how I know......)

Please cut him off TODAY. If you can't manage 30 days with no contact, try aiming for 15 - then you get a treat.

How long were you with him? You might have said and I have missed it.

You have to detach. You have to keep chanting in your head that what he thinks is not your problem concern.