Help me cope with FIL visits

[Sexnotgender]

Hoping you lovely people can help me.

My anxiety is through the roof with the thought of FIL coming to stay and I need help to cope.

My in-laws live overseas and so when they come they stay with us for weeks at a time.

I’ve negotiated it down to 3 weeks, I’d prefer less but they’re coming a long way and my husband wants to spend time with his mum which is understandable.

MIL is a delight and I adore her.

FIL is an abusive bully and everyone tiptoes around him and doesn’t rock the boat.

I struggle to ignore his behaviour as I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 10 years and his behaviour is a huge trigger for me.

I’ve thankfully got about 3 months before they visit again but I’d be grateful for any advice on how to cope with the visits. I want to get through them as mentally unscathed as possible and support my husband and make it an enjoyable experience if that’s possible!

He’ll be told there’s no alcohol to be brought into the house either.

In terms of MIL coming on her own she couldn’t afford the ticket and there’s other family politics at play.

He’ll be told there’s no alcohol to be brought into the house either

And is he likely to accept that, or will it just kick off another fuss?

I hear what you say about MIL being unable to come alone, but what about your DH going to them on his own instead - would that be possible?

Have you and DH ever talked to MiL about her leaving him? I mean making a real plan? It sounds as if she's financially secure if she was the main breadwinner.

She’s not going to leave him. He has no pension and would be pretty destitute without her.

She’s a better woman than me. I’d leave him on the bones of his arse after what he’s done.

But that’s no reason you should suffer him.
I’m sorry but I can see no reason why you wouldn’t say be nice or don’t come. Your DH should be stepping up and ensuring he doesn’t make your life a misery in your own home?
I can’t remember but do you have kids?

I do. I’ve got an older daughter and a 4 week old baby.

Have you thought of hiring a hit man (I jest, I jest)?

I agree with everyone who has said that you shouldn’t have to put up with this. It’s sad that your husband is willing to allow you to be abused in your own house to save him the awkwardness of confronting his father’s behaviour.

But you have clearly accepted that your husband is going to treat you this way. So all I can suggest is that you make yourself scare by going away for at least half the time.

Take your children off to visits your own family long weekends. You can say it’s for a relatives birthday or that someone is unwell and you need to care for them. You can be the devoted DD taking her of her granny.

Or have a friend who has just had bad health news or whose mother has died. Yes, lie through your teeth.

When you are At home , be busy putting the children to bed, bathing them, Bf baby etc. Have an early night because you have a migraine. Or develop a stomach bug and stay away from them because you don’t want them to catch it. This also means that you can’t prepare their food, what a shame.

I have a relative who pulls this stunt all the time. She has missed family weddings and christenings because she has migraine or the cat is sick. Everyone knows it’s not true but there’s nothing anyone can do - you can’t say “ oh yes Jean, what a suprise, another migraine when it’s Sams first holy communion ”. We all just do .

Your older daughter can have a play date so you can escape to a friends house.

You could also have a dental problem that means several visits to the dentist. Sometimes you have to sit there for hours if they are trying to fit you in an an emergency. And then you’d feel unwell and need to lie down when you come home. Antibiotics for a dental abscess can make you feel quite sick.

You just need to not rise to the bait when FIl says things like “ well it must be because you don’t take care of your teeth, we have no problems like that it our family , it’s a sign of moral weakness” . Just go grey rock and say “ yes your probably right “ . And pop off to bed with your glass of water, two paracetamol and a good book / Netflix.

I agree with a PP that your husband will be less keen to have them and put up with FILs shit if he has to deal with most of it himself.

OMG it is worse - I am sorry but 6 weeks of the year with this abhorrent individual infesting your home is just so OTT......is this every year? That’s all your children’s Christmases blighted and polluted by him. Your DH had to tolerate this as a child but why would he inflict this on his own children?

Don’t understand that the DM can’t afford the flight on her own - but as the bread winner pays for four flights a year?

Sounds like you have a problem drinker on your hands as well.

Unacceptable. Why should your children tolerate the atmosphere and snide remarks because the adults can’t stand up to this man.
Why are you and your DH happy to subject them to what he had to put up with as a child?

Can you try 'grey rocking' him - just acting uninterested in his thoughts and opinions? 'OK, that's how you feel', 'Sure', 'Hmm' etc

I also saw a great discussion on twitter about dealing with people making negative comments about you by saying 'You'll be OK', eg 'Your hair looks a mess' 'You'll be OK'; 'This stew's tough', 'You'll be OK'; 'What are you trying to say with that outfit?' 'Huh, you'll be OK' - as in, it's none of their business really!

I'm with you, Sex. I'd have kicked his arse to the kerb, especially once I'd retired. Life is too short to live in misery.

Maybe she's worried about the financial implications of divorce. If he's not worked much she may be afraid of losing her financial security to alimony and splitting of assets.

I feel for you OP, both of my dh’s Parents were abusive although not physically- both are narcissists- FIL also a sociopath. I had that awful feeling every single time we drove towards their house, or were expecting their visit, the utter dread would grow inside me making me feel physically unwell.

I am fortunate, as dh and I have been NC for seven wonderfully stress and turmoil free years! I sympathise with you that your MIL is lovely, do you think if you both went NC it would encourage your MIL to finally leave? Or would she stay regardless and your dh constantly feel guilt over abandoning her?

Have you offered to your MIL for her to come stay with you if she feels able to escape him? If there is no other option than putting up with the presence then you need to reclaim control over everything you can whilst he visits. I would look into the grey rock technique first of all. Completely ignore any disapproval as though he had said nothing at all. I would also ask your dh to do the same. Basically only give mundane and incredibly dull reactions to hs rants/ disapproval.

If you have two sitting rooms, claim the one you feed in most. A simple ‘I will be feeding baby in that room, so I advise the other sitting room unless you want to spectate whilst I feed your grandchild. Only joking, that wasn’t an offer - better for me to have an area to feed, that way you don’t need to worry about walking in and disturbing me whilst I feed’ (Your lovely MIL can even get a break and come and keep you company)’
If might be best to make your sitting room the area that your children spend most of their time

This visit there will be bare minimum of effort though, I’ve learnt my lesson on that one. Nothing is ever good enough so nothing is what he’ll get.
I don’t see how this will work in practice as it would mean that you would have to do the same to MIL.

No wonder your anxiety is through the roof as you know that you are in for a v difficult time. Honestly you are better off having one big blow out discussion about them staying elsewhere or not coming this time and your DH going to them alone than the multiple battles all day long as YOU out down boundaries and bully boy thug slams up against them.

And it will be YOU. Are you at home all day on Mat leave - and your DH out at work? This is v unfair on you.

Gray rock really is only tenable when you are NC/LC - impossible someone living in your house 24/7 and only you to manage them alone.

Don’t put yourself and your DCs through this. Re read this thread a few times.

DH has a flexible job and will be doing the majority of the entertaining. He knows I won’t do it. He’ll also take FIL out as much as possible.

In terms of flight costs they get staff flight rates as a member of their family works for an airline. If we disinvited FIL then this would be rescinded and mil would have to pay for the full flight cost, hence why it is unaffordable.

Thank you all for taking the time to offer advice.

Why is MIL being treated as a good person? She could have left. She had the finances and no cultural issues.

But she didn’t.

So every time he physically abused your dh MIL was effectively saying “oh dear - I could stop this but I don’t want to. Carry on now.”

Every single time.

MIL was a victim of abuse too, I’m not apologising for her but leaving an abuser isn’t always easy. Took me over ten years to find the courage.

You Mil may be a victim of this man's abuse but she is also now an enabler of his abuse of others from her own dc to her now adult dcs spouses! All for an easy don't rock the boat life. As without an abusive husband she'd have to pay full price flights. And pay a supposed destitute grown man off to free herself!
She has chosen to stay at this point as watching her dc being hurt wasn't enough incentive to free herself.

Yes I know it's harsh but I myself as a survivor of childhood abuse still struggles with the visual of my other parent turning their back to the actual physical act of abuse inflicted on myself and my siblings.

Your anger is correct, your wish to escape from his presence is correct. Not being around an abuser is the only way to treat them. They do get the privilege of guest status in anyone's home. And this home is your safe place and your Dh deserves to grant himself the same: his own safe place free from his abuser.
6 weeks a year and every Xmas is too much grinning and baring an abusive grown man! Eventually your dc will be aware and possibly subjected to his verbal abuse.

I totally agree with bruise - there is one thing taking the punches yourself but once you become a by-stander in the abuse of anyone but especially a defensless child you are that point complicit and facilitating.

The OPs 4 week old baby is already the recipient of the FIL abuse......as it seems he was in her home for 3 weeks when she was in the 8th month of her pregnancy. Every twitch, internal rage, stress flood felt by the OP was also inflicted on the baby she was carrying. Now at 4 weeks old this baby has a Mum experiencing visceral rage about this ogre invading her space in 3 months time - and this rage may well escalate as the time approaches. She then has 3 weeks of tap dancing around this situation. It is all so futile, exhausting, damaging and unnecessary.

The OP’s trauma of past abuse is triggered by this mans behaviour and there is a real risk that this could trigger PND.

The OP and her baby should be in the little love bubble - attuning and building their precious bond - not distracted, depending off some emotional thug.

It doesn’t sound like your DHs counselling has equipped him to manage his DF at all and he is not taking care how vulnerable you and your baby are.

Three weeks is such a long time to be in such a difficult atmosphere particularly with a new/breastfeeding baby. Could you perhaps go and stay (just you and baby) for a few days with your own parent(s) within that time? That way your DH gets to spend time with his mother but you get some downtime?

Also in future perhaps cut the visits down to even shorter or you and your DH pay for an AirBnB for them close by?

Another possible suggestion is to alternate them coming to the UK and your DH spending a few days (without you?) in their own home?

Also could you invite your own parents to spend some time with you over Christmas if DH's parents really do come? You could make the second sitting room comfortable for them to sleep in?

Have a family member exactly the same.
Luckily no long stay visits as they aren't that far from us.

I snapped a couple of years ago and after a long time not saying anything when opinions and insults were floating around I'd had enough so politely told him in MY house his opinions were not right nor valid and none of his business so maybe he should keep it to himself in future

Of course when a female confronts these narcissist men they don't actually know what to do and quickly retreat to their cave because they know that their controlling behaviour is not right and so just because they've groomed their direct family under their rules and bullying tactics other people aren't going to accept it forever.

We had no contact for a good 8 months,only on two occasions in passing and one of them he deliberalty thought he could make me feel uncomfortable however it back fired when I said he wasn't welcome even if I wasn't there because yet again it's MY house

We are now polite to each other but are never in the same place for more than half an hour at most and even then i keep my distance.

Suits me fine.
I refuse to have toxic controlling behaviour around me.
It stands against everything I stand for and triggers a rage in me that isn't a good feeling so off it can fuck

You could always develop a bit of a hearing problem and moreorless ignore him. Mention how your ears have been giving you some problems and it's under investigation.

Just try and imagine he's an annoying TV character.