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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me cope with FIL visits

99 replies

Sexnotgender · 25/02/2019 20:20

Hoping you lovely people can help me.

My anxiety is through the roof with the thought of FIL coming to stay and I need help to cope.

My in-laws live overseas and so when they come they stay with us for weeks at a time.

I’ve negotiated it down to 3 weeks, I’d prefer less but they’re coming a long way and my husband wants to spend time with his mum which is understandable.

MIL is a delight and I adore her.

FIL is an abusive bully and everyone tiptoes around him and doesn’t rock the boat.

I struggle to ignore his behaviour as I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 10 years and his behaviour is a huge trigger for me.

I’ve thankfully got about 3 months before they visit again but I’d be grateful for any advice on how to cope with the visits. I want to get through them as mentally unscathed as possible and support my husband and make it an enjoyable experience if that’s possible!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/02/2019 12:38

Ok so don’t facilitate much, maybe some things you know mil would like. Tell fil you know he’s prefer to do everything for himself , but his own toiletries etc. So what if he says he feels unwelcome then! Don’t accept double face - when he says in private the opposite of in public say that’s funny you said you were so proud of dh just a few hours ago! Are you having memory issues? I’ll look up a walk in centre later if you want that checked up on, you will have to pay but not much.
I’d challenge everything nicely. And do all the other suggestions of as little time as possible. I’d also cook food he hated, claiming I thought they were his favourites and turn the tv onto shows he hated.
Where possible meet other people if he has a very different public face, and this will give you more things to say ‘that’s funny you said x before’ and offer medical help. I’d set myself goals - try to really piss him off while being nice at least daily, try to find something at least every two days that he hated and claim we organised it because I thought it was his favourite. If he can really obviously contradict you smile vaguely and say that’s baby brain for you, but preferably go for ‘but you do keep contradicting yourself, like yesterday when you said you were so proud of dh then you said he was a disgrace, and I’m 100% sure uou said it was your favourite. It must be part of these cognitive issues we have noticed

That’s how I’d get through it.

another20 · 28/02/2019 12:56

He creates a deep anger in me and I told DH about it and he described it as a lightbulb moment for him.

This is a very normal reaction to an abusive, racist, bigoted bully - your DHs response isn’t.

Feel that anger and respond appropriately to it don’t minimise it.

You said he doesn’t do it directly to you as you wouldn’t stand for it ..... but that is not true - you bend over backwards for him, he repeatedly insults your hospitality and there is no call out or consequences - only that he is invited back again?

You don’t have to be exposed to this. Send DH off for 2 weeks with them and book them into an air b n b for a couple of days at the beginning and end.

Role model to your DH how to handle these types - and show him that you will prioritise yourself and your needs if is is unable or unwilling to for his for you.

What are we all scared about with these types ? They are not going to take out a gun and shoot you dead - just be ready to weather the enviable huff and puff like water off a ducks back. Much easier to face that once rather than death by a thousand cuts daily over 3 long torturous weeks in your own home.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 28/02/2019 14:03

Yes he is invited back but only by default, neither DH or I have any desire to see him but if we want MIL it’s a 2 for 1 special unfortunately.

It’s really not as clear cut as just don’t invite him, believe me I’d love to not invite him. This visit there will be bare minimum of effort though, I’ve learnt my lesson on that one. Nothing is ever good enough so nothing is what he’ll get.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2019 15:21

But MIL is a problem too because she has chosen to remain with her abuser of a husband for her own reasons. She threw your now husband under the bus.

I would not want either of them to return to your home to visit. No visit from any family members is worth this much stress or the two of you being triggered.

Mammajay · 28/02/2019 15:31

Can you develop a set of facial responses. Eye rolling, grimacing etc. Might unnerve him!

Thesuzle · 28/02/2019 16:05

Hi OP
Have I missed a bit where you say DH is unaware of what FIL says to you on the sly??? If so record some conversations secretly, then you have proof
Good luck xx

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 16:14

So, what would happen if you just stopped. Let him in your door but do nothing for him, other than cooking enough food for him to eat. No catering to his wants as far as toiletries, food, outings, telly, etc. If he doesn't feel welcome when you do, stop doing anything.

And what would happen if you called him out on his shit wrt you. If he says something to and/or about you, tell him 'that's rude', or better yet "I don't give a shit about what you think about XXX"? Let DH and MiL deal with him as they wish, but you pull no punches and take no prisoners.

Just out of curiosity, have you and DH ever spoken to Mil about leaving him? I mean actually coming up with a plan to facilitate it?

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 28/02/2019 16:18

Yes acrossthepond55 I won’t be pandering to his shit this time.
Last time he made a big song and dance about needing a specialist diet. Interestingly these dietary requirements didn’t stop him necking a load of beer and whisky every day.

OP posts:
Coronapop · 28/02/2019 16:21

Could you escape to visit your own parents/relatives/friends for a long weekend in the middle of their visit - to give you a breathing space.

Coronapop · 28/02/2019 16:27

TBH if he is as bad as he sounds I would invite them less often (once a year?) - and tell MIL why. It's her choice to stay with him. Maybe time for a few home truths about the impact FIL has had on DH which she has chosen to ignore or accept.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 28/02/2019 16:37

We’re looking at 3 weeks in the summer and 3 weeks at Christmas. Hopefully that’ll be the visits for this year.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 16:43

I'd tell my DH that I will be taking two days off per week during those three weeks and spending them 'elsewhere'. 5 days 'on' and 2 days 'off', even if I had to book myself and baby in at the local 'No Tell Motel'!!!

I think I could deal with Summer. It's nice and you can always go and sit outside or take a walk. But to have my Christmas ruined by him? Well, you're a better (wo)man than I am, Gunga Din!!!

PuppyMonkey · 28/02/2019 16:53

He sounds an utter delight to have around. Sad

I know you said you find it difficult to ignore him, but a good sound “no reaction at all” to anything he says or does is probably the best way to get your own back on him. Just divert the subject to something else every single time. He’ll probably hate being blanked and not the centre of attention, whereas seeing you seethe or mutter under your breath or argue is the reaction he’d thrive on.

And get a lock for the second living room and retreat there as much as you like.Wink

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2019 17:05

"We’re looking at 3 weeks in the summer and 3 weeks at Christmas".

So you can write off those six weeks then. Why should such bad behaviour from her husband and she as his willing enabler be at all rewarded by you hosting either of them?.

Neither of you would have tolerated this from a friend, his parents are no different.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 17:15

I agree with the lock on the sitting room door!

Personally, I'd put a big screen, a mini fridge, and a microwave in there, too.

Mitzimaybe · 28/02/2019 17:30

I agree with stopping all the pandering to his unreasonable demands. E.g. if the TV is on and he says "I can't watch this rubbish. XYZ is on the other channel, put that on" you say "We love it. Give it a try; you might like it." When he continues to say you should watch XYZ then you say "No, this is what we are watching. If you don't like it, you can go in the other sitting room."

Definitely call him out on the hypocrisy both the two-facedness and the needing a special healthy diet but drinking like a fish. In fact, don't offer him any alcohol at all.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 28/02/2019 17:38

We’re planning a ‘dry’ house this time. Alcohol makes him so much worse.

There’s already a nice big tv in the second sitting room Smile the cats and I will snuggle on the sofa and ignore everyone.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/02/2019 18:35

Oooh a dry house. I like it, just because it would piss him off. But I would need a couple of bottles of red in our bedroom for reading and unwinding at night Grin

Wolfiefan · 28/02/2019 18:39

It is absolutely as clear cut as don’t invite him. I wouldn’t have anyone in my house that made me feel the way he makes you feel. Neither would I subject my family to such shit.
Unless he physically restrains your MIL how would he actually stop her coming? She’s choosing to stay with him despite his unacceptable behaviour. Her decision. But one of the consequences must be that she either comes without him or not at all.
Stop enabling his bullshit.

Original poster
Sexnotgender · 28/02/2019 18:39

Oh he’ll be livid at a dry house.

OP posts:
ScarletBitch · 28/02/2019 18:42

Simply do not tolerate his abusive behaviour what so ever. Why are you all tiptoeing around on egg shells for? He seems to be getting away with it because no one will stand up to him.

RandomMess · 28/02/2019 18:52

Every time he make a PA comment I'd say "you are welcome to leave" with a lovely smile...

Does he have any hobbies? Sending packing for a few days with a birthday gift of doing x y z?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/02/2019 18:55

he’ll be livid at a dry house

But what's to stop him buying his own and bringing it to yours? Which might be even worse if he drinks still more because it's not "yours"

Come to that, what's to stop your DH going to visit them, on his own?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/02/2019 19:02

A dry house is a great idea! Let him be livid. But be sure you tell him you've gone tee-total and won't have it in the house otherwise he'll just go get it and bring it in. If he 'gets' that this will be 'the way things are in our home' for the future he may want to shorten his visits, or stay elsewhere.

RandomMess · 28/02/2019 19:05

Could you take MIL away for a couple of days too?

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