Help me cope with FIL visits

[Sexnotgender]

Hoping you lovely people can help me.

My anxiety is through the roof with the thought of FIL coming to stay and I need help to cope.

My in-laws live overseas and so when they come they stay with us for weeks at a time.

I’ve negotiated it down to 3 weeks, I’d prefer less but they’re coming a long way and my husband wants to spend time with his mum which is understandable.

MIL is a delight and I adore her.

FIL is an abusive bully and everyone tiptoes around him and doesn’t rock the boat.

I struggle to ignore his behaviour as I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive marriage for 10 years and his behaviour is a huge trigger for me.

I’ve thankfully got about 3 months before they visit again but I’d be grateful for any advice on how to cope with the visits. I want to get through them as mentally unscathed as possible and support my husband and make it an enjoyable experience if that’s possible!

You’re totally right bruisetooeasily it’s like a visceral reaction I have to him. I just want to get away.

As a survivor I've learned to listen to my reactions not ignore them! If my instincts are shouting at me I sit down and listen.

I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I see the affect it’s had on my husband and can’t understand how anyone can abuse a helpless child, it makes me so angry.

Oh OP I hear you. I'm an expat and when relatives visit it is for a mammoth three weeks!

My own parents can be very trying for various reasons. They came for 3 weeks in December and coming for 3 weeks again in April!

They are not abusive but it is very wearing.

Do you work? Both DH and I do so we are out of the house for stretches. We also arrange nights out for us apart from my parents. They also go out on their own too. And DH often retreats out with friends to get his own space. Can you do this too? Even go and sit in a coffee shop for a few hours?

Last but not least never underestimate the power of an early night! My parents must think we are so tired...we go to bed at 8 some nights and then read for a few hours to get our own space.

I think the key is to chat beforehand about how you will approach it and keep chatting as the trip progresses.

Maybe you need to get angry with him, show him you won't tolerate his crap. It might be awkward for MIL and DH but equally it might be what he needs to shut him up. Start off by calling him out on his behaviour every time he does it - 'Strange how you praise DH in public yet put him down in private. I can't decide if you're losing your marbles or just very two-faced' and then walk off. Or get him alone somewhere (preferably with DH & MIL out of the house) and tell him exactly what you won't tolerate in YOUR home. Point out that while MIL & DH might let him get away with it for a quiet time, you won't. He's not going to change unless challenged so you either call him out or accept that he's going to be a tosser and every time he is just remind yourself how inadequate he is (maybe loudly telling DH how glad you are he takes after MIL and not FIL!)

whst country they live in is really irrelevant

It really isnt. In Nigeria for instance, children over the age of 2 years automatically stay w the father if a couple separate. And there's no social security. So an abused Nigerian wife whose family wont take her back and who doesnt have a paid job can only leave if she's prepared to a) lose her children b) face destitution. In some countries wives arent actually allowed to leave.In others they are frequently killed for attempting to.

^^this may have no bearing on the OPs situation but it would be good if we could stop pretending the whole world is like the UK where women have choice, access to law and money.

This really does have no bearing at all on the OPs situation does it?.

Thank Op
I really feel for you both this will most possibly feel like an impossible situation for your DH. Wanting his family in his life but knowing they aren't good enough and that he deep down never being good enough for his poor excuse of a father.
A top up of counselling if your Dh has ever sought any would be of great value to him in the run up to this visit.

For the record MIL could have left, no cultural issues there.

DH has had lots of counselling.

Dont let these people into your home. If your DH must see his DM - then let him go there alone - or take them off somewhere for a few weeks if they have to come to your country.

You have a young baby that you are breastfeeding. You are triggered by this ogre. Three months ahead of their visit yiu are stressed. At this critical bonding time with your baby you will be transmitting to them your negative stress.

These weeks and moths should be soft, loving, gentle attunment to your baby. Nothing gets to disrupt that. You cannot be anxious, hyper alert, raging inside, walking in eggs shells, putting up boundaries etc.

That will exhaust and preoccupy you. You can only be in one emotional place at a time - and you need to be calm, happy, stress free in your own home for your baby.

You have only one chance to get this right.

If your DH and MIL was to sit in the toxic swamp - let them crack on elsewhere - take yourself and your baby out of it.

I would planned ahead as much as possible including meals, outings, etc so you and your DH won’t need to discuss things when they are here, you’ll just carry on as planned. And I would agree some rules between yourselves, you won’t be able to change your FIL but think about things which are the most important for you e.g you stop any discussions about breastfeeding straight away. And I would make sure that you are never one to one with your FIL. I wouldn’t joke or being passive aggressive about his comments , maybe serious polite response like “it works for us”/ we decided to do it this way”. And a lot of outdoor activities for yourself and DC.
My DF is very difficult to deal with , he gets angry and shout very quickly. We are visiting once a year but it’s a nightmare so I can understand. 3 weeks!!!! You are an angel! After 5 days with my own parents I feel destroyed. It’s better now since I started reading MN but still... Plan a little treat for yourself for each week and then a big one for you and DH for when they’ve gone.

Just cancel the visit...nothing is worth this much stress.They are your husbands family let him go to them if he feels the need to keep up this charade.Otherwise just ignore FIL completely and focus on making MIL welcome cos chances are if you call him out on his behaviour MIL and DH will only side with him as they have been conditioned to do and you will end up the bad one.The only way you can win this is be proactive and get him out of your life or lay down and let him do as he pleases like MIL and DH do....I know what I would choose...

We do have a second sitting room, I’m also breastfeeding which will not be approved of so might chase him away by feeding.

Perfect. Just keep leaving the room he's in pulling up your top, making it look like you're completely uncomfortable bf ing front of people. Even the won't follow you/intrude (would he?)

if you want to deal with the triggers from your abusive relationship you might want to look into emdr therapy. helps rewire your brain after traumatic experiences and NHS recommended for PTSD etc.

Misogynistic, racist, bullying bigot?
Then keep him out of your house and away from your child. There is no way I would spend three weeks at a time feeling so uncomfortable in my own house. Speaking from experience. A racist relative told those views were totally unacceptable to us and if they voiced them in our house or around our kids then they would no longer be welcome.
Why should you have to tolerate this behaviour? Because no matter what you say or do this person won’t suddenly change.
And MIL can’t come alone? Well she could. She’s choosing this bullying shit over her own child and grandchild. That’s her problem. Your DH shouldn’t make it yours.

Oh I do feel for you! We are in the same position but my child is now much older. I used breastfeeding, changes and baths to provide some respite. Use you child’s needs to keep him at a distance (good for the child too). I am now hyper vigilant to his motives and have to hold the line when my partner tries to placate him. Oh we can just drive them around, they don’t need to hire a car. NO, these trips work best with separate cars and accommodations if you can do it.

Having said that I do stand up to him when he is is particularly vile. Te worst part is when he starts on your child. I will not tolerate him bullying. Over the years our relationship has deteriorated and I no longer hold any hope of improvement. My first priority is to shield my child, then allow myself enough space to cope with the visit and finally to support my partner who is deep in the FOG and will often throw me under the bus in an attempt to deflect his father.

There is no chance I will tolerate him bullying our child. He’ll have as little access to him as I can manage. Any hint of bullying I’ll throw him out. He’ll get zero alone time with him too, it’s when he’s got people alone that he’s particularly venomous.
And thankfully my husband doesn’t throw me under the bus. He mostly uses grey rock on him as far as I can see, keeps him at arms length to minimise his impact.

Sorry you’re dealing with this shit too, it’s so fucking ridiculous.

How would you like it to run OP?

Given that your DH is in FOG - this means his approach and decisions are wrong headed and enabling.

If you step back with a clean slate (putting your DHs foggy needs aside for one moment) - how should it run?

That’s a good place to put your boundaries.

Ideally I’d like him not to visit but as that isn’t an option I’d settle for him not constantly judging me and making snide remarks.
Also playing the victim fucks me right off. After last visit where I’d run around facilitating everything they could possibly need he declared he’d never felt less welcome in his life.

So FIL is verbally abusive directly to you? You really don’t have to tolerate this pandering to this bully in your own home whilst you have a baby.

This is all wrong you get to call it and to protect yourself emotionally.

Would your DH step up to meet your needs? Does he realise that it triggers your past trauma? If so he should be doing everything he can to support YOU not enable HIM.

You sound like you are also in FOG to your DH.

It really isn’t monsterous to put them in an air b n b and have minimal and controlled contact out of your home.

You could end up unconsciously building contempt for your DH here.

He’s not directly abusive to me as I think he realises I won’t put up with his shit.

My DH does support me and does try to minimise his fathers impact on me. To be honest I only realised recently why I can’t just ignore his behaviour like everyone tells me too. He creates a deep anger in me and I told DH about it and he described it as a lightbulb moment for him.

DH is going to take them both away for a few days midway through the visit to give me time to decompress.

Snide remarks?
If he’s rude then he can’t stay. I don’t get why you and your DH think you should have to put up with this.