Would you break up with your partner if they got fat?

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Keeping fit is important to me, as is eating healthily.
When I met my dp he was a runner and pretty in shape.

Since dating for two years, he eats more and more junk food and has piled the pounds on. He's not fat but you can tell he has a slightly rounded belly when his top is off.

For me getting intimate is not so nice now. Physical shape is a huge attraction for me

A light rounded belly wouldn't put me off if my partner was otherwise healthy/health conscious.

However, putting on any more than that... I don't think I would want to stay with someone who let themself go at such a young age. Maybe at over 50/60+ of age I wouldn't worry.

I do let my husband know when he's getting fat and I tell him my love for him is dependent on his losing the weight and lifting. He gets back to it.

I'm lying... I would love him regardless... but he doesn't need to know that.

If after two years you don't love him enough for it not to bother you then you should finish it.
It was looks that attracted me to DH but that's not what's kept us together for 20 years.

I am married to someone like you OP. He is fortunate in that he has always been healthy, always made the time to exercise (obsessively) and 30 years after he left uni his waist is the same size as it was then.

I on the other hand have had a child, multiple miscarriages, three rounds of gynaecological surgery and one other major surgery - to top it off I developed an auto immune condition about ten years ago.

I am not the same size I was all those years ago ...... but do you know what I like who I am, warts and all. I am kind, known as a good egg, make friends where H doesn't because he is selfish and considers himself superior to almost everyone he meets.

Instead of anything intrepid I am only up to walking a few miles a day these days. But this will pass, I know I will lose weight and my health will improve again once I have further surgery.

H will never change which is why we are divorcing so yes, in your shoes settings, I would break up with him and let him be free to find someone who loves him for who he is.

No I wouldn't. We're all going to put on a few pounds at times in our lives and it would be horrible if my DH left me for that reason. I'm 31 weeks pregnant so my DH can't find my belly particularly attractive at the moment

Maybe suggest that you both need to watch what you're eating and should exercise together for the sake of his health but a few pounds is not a big deal.

Nope. My dp has been fatter than he is now, thinner than he is now but he's always been perfect for me.

I'm the biggest I have been since we got together (God I hope I can get a grip of this soon) but he still wants me because I'm still me. He'd probably prefer me thinner, I know I would, but that's not the be all and end all.

That said, people like what they like. If you're no longer attracted to him, his personality has changed to lead to his lack of fitness and that's the sum total of your relationship, it's not going to work so leave.

My partner? No. Absolutely not. We’ve been together decades and have a lot more going on than just physical attraction. Though, to be fair, I don’t agree that bigger people can’t be attractive or sexy. In my experience, ‘sexiness’ and sex appeal are rarely about how ‘good looking’ a person is.

In your situation? Short relationship where physical appearance of a very specific type is important to you, maybe.

Surely you love a person for who they are not how many bloody calories they eat. I was married to a judgemental wanker who carried on and on about my weight and that's how I became anorexic so be careful what you wish for.

It depends on what you mean by got fat tbh.

If he put weight on, a couple of stone, it wouldn’t bother me at all. He has put on around a stone since we met and I genuinely prefer his body now. I’m not into the super shredded really slim muscular look on guys. I genuinely find his softer rounder tummy way more attractive! Though to be fair he still has a body that would turn heads if he went shirtless, but I obviously have seen the slight difference.

I gained two stone since we met (I was the slimmest I’ve ever been when we met due to stress), realised and have shed 75% of it. Half a stone to go. He claims he fancied me just as much a pound away from being clinically overweight, whether or not that’s true i don’t know, but he’s always said he doesn’t find someone’s body a big deal as it’s about personality and face for him. I wanted to lose weight for me and I’m so glad I have and am.

But if either of us gained enough weight we were clinically overweight, certainly obese, I don’t think it’d be unreasonable to walk away. I really hope and think neither of us would ever let it get to that point. I feel like even if he gained five stone I’d still fancy and love him but you just can’t know until it happens. I think i would do what I could to support and encourage him in losing the weight if he wanted to. But I’d be concerned about the messages he was sending our kids, the lessons they were learning about taking care of their bodies and health, I’d be worried about his future. I don’t want him to develop weight related diseases and have his life cut short.

I believe I’d do everything I could to support him and help, and I can’t imagine ever wanting to walk away, but I also know being attracted to/proud to be seen with your partner is a major part of many relationships and I couldn’t possibly judge anyone for realising that their partner had changed so much from how they were when they first met, they weren’t happy with them anymore. Especially as weight is something within your control. You could equally argue you owe it to your partner to be at least relatively fit and healthy for your futures and if you choose to let it go, you have to accept the consequences on your relationship I guess.

Ultimately anyone can leave anyone for any reason they wish, all that matters is that they feel it’s a good enough reason for them. Relationships aren’t prisons. If someone is repulsed by their partner for something they could choose to change, and they can’t bear to be in the relationship anymore, that’s their choice.

Well my Dp didn't dump me when I got fat!
My Dp was already fat when we met.

Physical shape is a huge attraction for me

Then dump him, and the next person you hook up with, make sure you tell them that if they lose their fit bod, you'll dump them. It's only fair to be honest.

And of course, fingers crossed that you yourself will be the only living exception to getting older/saggier/fatter as time passes.

There, problem solved!

You also can’t expect someone to keep having sex with someone they find repulsive. I think significant weight gain has a real impact on most couples who go through it, as even if the deep enduring love is still there, and you want it to work, you still have to deal with the fact that one partner might not feel able to be intimate anymore and the other is likely to notice that and be upset by it. I can see why some relationships end because of the consequences of the weight gain, rather than just the weight itself. It’s easy to judge from the outside but only the two people in the relationship know what they’ve done and tried to make it work, how long for etc.

No I wouldn’t leave becuase I’d still love dh if he got fat. I can’t however say I’d want to shag someone I wasn’t attracted to and I’d hope that would be enough to make my man get back in shape tbh

And of course, fingers crossed that you yourself will be the only living exception to getting older/saggier/fatter as time passes.

But Bunny, it’s disingenuous to pretend OP is talking about the natural aging process, which certainly happens to us all. Can you see there’s a big difference between someone getting older, wrinkly, things starting to sag, versus in the space of a couple of years going from being a healthy normal weight to overweight or obese? One of those things is unavoidable and happens to us all. The other isn’t and doesn’t.

OP’s situation sounds a bit weird if what she’s describing is true, seems a very minimal change! But her question is worth discussing in general.

You reap what you sow, OP. I agree with others - this man had better run for the hills! Granted, looks or physical shape are important to you - and to many people, but why frame questions in terms of the ultimate? Why contemplate breaking up because of a problem that can be fixed? why not say something like: 'how can I motivate my partner to exercise?'
If you really loved him, and at the same time physical shape is very important to you, then you wouldn't be framing your question in terms of breaking up? Don't dangle the breaking up card. As others have already said - changes happen in life and while it's important to you, I think its very shallow and even foolish to put all your eggs in the physical shape basket like that. For what it's worth though, they are plenty of men out there who also value tip top physical/athletic shape.

Exactly what Moyo said. Most people wouldn't dump someone straightaway because they gain weight. Maybe if there were loads of associated issues over time that weren't being addressed, such as becoming completely inactive, not getting on with normal things and so on.

But I meant what I said above. If it's a dealbreaker for you and you're not married and have no kids (that you mention?), the best thing for you to do is dump the guy and tell the next person you'll dump them if they put on weight. If that's how you feel, then be honest with people and don't waste their time. Let them know where you stand. You don't seem to have a middle ground or a compromise position, so you owe people honesty.

And I'd say that to either sex tbh.

For me - no.
My ExH went from 15 stone to over 20 stone.
I loved HIM.
Not his shape.
But if you are finding it a turn off then that is that.

I ended my last 2 short term relationships because of the 'ick' factor.
If you aren't feeling it then you aren't feeling it.

everybody can tell you how to feel and what you should feel but you feel what you feel and thats that.
it sounds like health and fitness are important to you and you value health. when you met him he had that common ground with you....now hes changed....and you dont have the same feelings. thats ok.

do you love him? is the extra pounds an issue or is him continueing to pile weight on the problem, as in your not sure where the line is?
i understand you want someone who shares similar interests and values as you and if those things have changed then its understandable your having doubts.

No because I love him and fancy him. To me he is the sexiest man in the world no matter what his weight is.
If there's no attraction there for you at all, then that is a problem but I doubt that that is entirely down to weight gain.

Word for word what Fartingisfun said above.

DH and I have been together 30 years. We both looked good when we were young; now we’re older, much fatter (especially me!) greyer and wrinklier. Still happy together.

My DH makes me feel hood, when I stop liking the way he looks I'll close my eyes during sex.

If your DH put on so much weight that it was impossible to have sex normally because of the size of his gut, closing your eyes wouldn’t make much difference.

I understand totally where you’re coming from, OP. My DH has put on a considerable amount of weight over the last few years-he is depressed about it but seems to have no off switch when it comes to food. His brother died recently from a heart attack probably caused by his obesity, but even that hasn’t made him change his eating habits. He is bursting out of his clothes, shuffles along when he walks and our sex life is now extremely unfulfilling for me. He hasn’t put on a stone or two, more like 5.

I don’t actually think I can continue like this but,... if it were a man posting on here about his wife putting on weight and him it fancying her any more, he would get roasted alive.

No, I haven't!

Yes, he's put on weight since we met. I consider it a normal part of ageing, I've put on weight too. He's much more critical of his body than I am of it, and he's not critical of mine.

MIL is a right body fascist and said to me recently 'Don't you think DH has put on a lot of weight lately?' (she's always telling him he 'doesn't need any more carbs' etc at mealtimes) and I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and said 'Well, so have I, that happens as you get older'

Not unless he became grossly obese, no

If you're talking just more of a curve to the waistline than normal then I think that's an extreme reaction to what could just be a fluctuation in shape.

If you mean going from Iean to a heavily pregnant type gut and he wasn't doing anything about it then no I wouldn't blame you at all.

If he's slowly getting fatter and also slowly becoming more of a miserable sod then fair play you're a bit unimpressed OP.

My OH was fit and upbeat when we met, which was an attractive combination. Now he's a miserable binge eating little fucker. 3 years worth of gym memberships unused. Literally hoards food in his car and stuffs his face. He thinks I don't notice

I guess my point is that if you get the feeling the weight gain is a red flag for an underlying true personality starting to come out, listen to those feelings.

If you read the threads here you will see how men can mask for years.