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Original poster

Would you date somebody who has previously had an affair?

74 replies

Minglewhilstsingle · 24/02/2019 23:29

Just that really...

I have been on a few of dates with a guy who I quite like, the only problem is, he previously had a year long affair.
Both parties were married. This was 2.5 years ago.

I knew this before we started chatting/dating as we live in quite a small town and I think everyone heard about it through the grapevine...

Although it was always in the back of my mind, I think I'm thinking about it more now as I've started to like him...

So would you date someone who had an affair?
Does a leopard change its spots?

Thanks!

OP posts:
AutumnCrow · 24/02/2019 23:31

No, I wouldnt.

TearingUpMyHeart · 24/02/2019 23:32

Date? Yeah, maybe. Expect fidelity from? No.

PippilottaLongstocking · 24/02/2019 23:32

Nope. I did once. Towards the end of our relationship I discovered he’d cheated on me with (at least) three other women. Never again.

MumCatx2 · 24/02/2019 23:32

Cheating happens for many reasons. Few people are perfect and never messed up in one way or another in their lives. I wouldn't judge him for it. But i would want to know his reasons and you need to make it clear that you wouldn't accept cheating.

betrayedandwobbly · 24/02/2019 23:36

Not when it is as recent as that, nor when it had been as blatant as you describe.

What's he been up to since his break up? Any sign that he has really learned from it? Do think that people can change, but the circs you describe don't sound promising for real change to have bedded n.

Musti · 24/02/2019 23:38

The guy I'm seeing told me he used to cheat when he was younger but he moved a lot and I don't think they were serious since he's been with his ex he didn't and wouldn't cheat. He only started dating once he moved out of the place he lived with his ex even though they'd been split for a year.

It's still in the back of my mind but he us very open and honest about everything. However, to be in a relationship and cheat and lie for so long shows a character that i wouldn't be able to trust.

AnyFucker · 24/02/2019 23:41

There are lots of men on the planet. Do you have to choose this one? Confused

Auntiepatricia · 24/02/2019 23:42

No, I wouldn’t. Life is to short to stick yourself to shit people.

AliceLiddel · 24/02/2019 23:45

It would depend how long it lasted and whether they were sorry.

he previously had a year long affair.

Year long - no. Has he discussed it with you? this would also matter a lot. Any remorse? What happened with the other woman after his marriage broke up?

But essentially no. He chose to lie to his wife every day for a year. He lied about where he was, who he was texting, I presume spending money she did not account for. Just no.

MashedSpud · 24/02/2019 23:49

No.

Canthearthroughmyglasses · 24/02/2019 23:51

I just left my ex as he cheated on his ex for 18 months, not with me may I add, he only told me about his past because he knew his family would warn me, and guess what? He has cheated in every single relationship he had ever been in, including ours and no remorse. Initially, when he told me, I told him I would not want to date him, but he talked me round and three years wasted, don’t try and change someone who is so blatantly entitled. They don’t change.

caringcarer · 24/02/2019 23:55

No he is clearly a liar and a cheat. Why pick someone like that? Plenty of decent men out there.

Saz432 · 24/02/2019 23:55

My DH cheated on his girlfriend in his late teens / early 20s. I was very worried about it but we’ve been together 13 years now and there have been no problems in that area. I probably wouldn’t have a relationship with someone who cheated on their spouse, though.

TwiceAsNice22 · 24/02/2019 23:58

In the circumstances you have said, no way! It wasn’t that long ago and he lied to his partner every single day for a whole year. I wouldn’t consider someone who is capable of that kind of deception as someone who would also be a kind, thoughtful, caring and honest partner.

PinaColada1 · 24/02/2019 23:58

I’d have fun for a month!

But I’d happily date others while I’m at it and line up a real relationship next. This one definitely isn’t.

fannycraddock72 · 25/02/2019 00:00

My DP confessed to me that they cheated prior to us getting together. That was 25 years ago, at the time I was so wrapped up in the excitement of the new relationship I didn’t really care even though I had a very low tolerance for people who cheated.

We married and had children had our ups and downs but were happy. Or so I thought, 25 years later I discovered my DP was having an affair, hence the reason they are now my Ex.

PinaColada1 · 25/02/2019 00:01

And I wouldn’t ask the reasons. You’ve only got to look at these boards to see how much crap men gave to excuse their affairs. He’s lied for a whole year to someone he was supposed to at least respect.

Original poster
Minglewhilstsingle · 25/02/2019 00:06

We have discussed briefly.

He says before this affair he had never cheated (they were together for 12 years)
He didn't set out to cheat, he lost a lot of weight and became body confident, the affair just happened & didn't stop.. he enjoyed the attention.

He described his relationship with his ex wife as 'plodding along' couldn't really pin point a reason as to why he had the affair. The reason he didn't leave was because he didn't actually want to & they have a daughter.

The affair was found out & the Ex wife divorced him. He says he has been single for the last 2.5 years since and had counselling to try and figure out why he had the affair.. he and the other woman did not stay together, he says this is because he didn't want to cause anymore upset to the exW and the family.

That's all I know really.

OP posts:
jay55 · 25/02/2019 00:09

A year long affair takes incredible levels of lying and disrespect for his partner.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 25/02/2019 00:21

He loved his partner for more than a decade then cheated on her. I would expect him to act the same with you and would start worrying in 10+ years from now.

He can't even say the affair was to someone he completely fell in love with and he doesn't even know why he had the affair and counselling hasn't helped.

PinaColada1 · 25/02/2019 00:25

Honestly I think it’s a massive red herring looking at the ‘cause’ of an affair. It’s like being an alcoholic. The main thing is that he crossed that line. Once crossed it is very hard to go back. He should have got cbt counseling to challenge his thinking on how he stops crossing that line again. And how to become more compassionate to his relationships and not lie to them ever again.

You would be taking on someone who you will never be able to completely trust. That’s huge. When he’s late, when he’s not called, when you have an argument, a little bit of your mind will wonder, is he flirting, is he really just friends with Janet from accounts.

It’s a big ask for you to take this on.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 25/02/2019 00:30

I wouldn't even go on a single date with a man who had done what he has done.

Ella2103 · 25/02/2019 00:32

This reply has been deleted

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MsDogLady · 25/02/2019 01:52

...the affair just happened & didn’t stop...he enjoyed the attention.

No, not a good bet.

He was willing to deceive his wife and child for a year, lying to their faces and pretending to be a devoted husband/family man, all the while having a secret life with the OW.....for an ego-boost.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 25/02/2019 04:29

A lapse of judgement on a drunken night out? Possibly
A year long affair? Absolutely not.

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