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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner drinking and mentioning ex wife

67 replies

Girlonbus25 · 23/02/2019 21:57

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice or an objective opinion about drunk partners.

My boyfriend and I went out. We drank so I was a bit tipsy but he was slurring his words and got home slumped and not making much sense. I find this so unattractive (who wouldn't)

I hate when he's incomprehensible but do others just let it go and accept their partners drink? I'm so uptight about it,
Should I ease up on him? I like having a drink once in a while but Im surprised at the amount and frequency of him drinking.

Anyway tonight, whilst out and chatting to a couple he over shared and mentioned his recent ex wife and how he'd left a country to move with her etc. It was a bit awkward as I was sitting opposite him and it was completely unnecessary him mentioning this.

The two events are entwined. I feel lonely and questioning my relationship but I'm not exactly sure why.
I feel very fragile so please be kind. I'm just looking for opinions.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 23/02/2019 22:00

If he often gets himself in this state then I wouldn’t want to be with someone who drank like that.
Depends. The fact he mentioned her isn’t a deal breaker but are you thinking it means he isn’t over her. How long have you been together and how long since they split?

Original poster

Girlonbus25 · 23/02/2019 22:03

He drank way more before we met and to his credit he's really cut back because I've said I'm concerned. I've never seen him like this. My ex was an alcoholic in denial so I don't know if I'm being sensitive.
This is the first time he's been this bad like this but not the first time not made sense and clearly been drunk.

We've been together five months, he's going through a divorce. He swears I'm the love of his life. He's a genuine guy but there is about 5% of me which is really concerned. We've had discussions before about me being a rebound and he pleads with me that I'm not.
Now I sound like a nut case

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 23/02/2019 22:16

No. I think 5 months after separating and whilst going through a divorce is very soon to jump in with someone new.
He’s a history of being a heavy drinker and only cut back as you don’t like it? And now he’s getting shit faced? I would run.

Original poster

Girlonbus25 · 23/02/2019 22:32

Just had a convo with him about personal stuff.... Ten mins later he can't remember what we talked about.
He's a lovely guy but not when he's drinking. His dad was an alcoholic and died at an early age.
I'm genuinely concerned he has a tendency to become a drinker.
Tbh I feel trapped

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 23/02/2019 22:32

We've been together five months, he's going through a divorce. He swears I'm the love of his life... We've had discussions before about me being a rebound and he pleads with me that I'm not.

Yeah, that's what my last ex said. Guess what, yes I was the rebound girl.

After 5 months, nobody can possibly know whether someone else is the "love of their life" (stupid phrase anyway which knows nothing of the complexity of human love. Assumes it's just basically a Top of the Pops based on shagability, social status, amenability and ticking off some stupid romantic author notions like "inscrutability" or Manic Pixie Dream Girl syndrome.)

Wolfiefan · 23/02/2019 22:39

You’re not trapped. It’s been a few months.
His dad was a drinker and so is he.

rvby · 23/02/2019 22:42

Why do you feel trapped op? What's happened that makes you use that expression?

SandyY2K · 23/02/2019 22:46

How can you be the love of his life after 5 months and he's not yet divorced.

I'm sure his STBXW was the love of his life too at one point.

It does seem he mentioned his wife when it really wasn't necessary.

RainbowMum11 · 23/02/2019 22:46

He's going through a divorce - why do you feel so sensitive that he's mentioned his STBXW? Surely it's weighing on his mind!
5 months in, he's going through a divorce, you're the love of his life (!) , so much stress & angst at this stage - it's really not going to work for either of you by the sounds of it.
How the fuck are you trapped at such an early stage?

Tennesseewhiskey · 23/02/2019 23:18

This is 2 issues. The drinking, is difficult because lots of people drink and get drunk but don't have a problem. I rarely drink and come from a family of alcoholics.

I genuinely don't get what the issue is about him talking about his ex wife.

Cherrysoup · 23/02/2019 23:21

He sounds like he’s in the drinking cycle. Once your relationship is more established and he’s not trying to impress you, do you think he’ll show his true colours and carry on drinking to excess? I’d be very worried about this.

Livid21 · 23/02/2019 23:27

It’s too soon to call him a partner. He’s a boyfriend. He’s also got a booze problem and since you’ve been there before, you should know it’ll only get worse. Time to leave.

Moralitym1n1 · 23/02/2019 23:40

His dad was an alcoholic and died at an early age.

Given he seems to be on the same track (and why exactly did his marriage - the real story, not his story), I don't think I'd be backing that horse.

Moralitym1n1 · 23/02/2019 23:40

(did his marriage end)

Moralitym1n1 · 23/02/2019 23:43

I rarely drink and come from a family of alcoholics.

But this guy does (and was drinking considerably more before by the sounds of it).

Moralitym1n1 · 23/02/2019 23:44

("Im surprised at the amount and frequency of him drinking.")

And that's with him having cut back.

MsDogLady · 24/02/2019 00:04

I’m surprised at the amount and the frequency of him drinking. This is the first time he’s been this bad like this but not the first time not made sense and clearly been drunk.

He is an alcohol abuser who binges or is alcohol dependent. You have again chosen a man whose overuse of alcohol will bring you down.

If you stick with him, brush up on your knowledge of enabling and boundary setting, and of living an unsettled life full of uncertainty. Contact Al-Anon.

It is early days and he is still in the divorce process. He actually left a country to be with his ex. She will likely be on his mind to some degree. Was their separation amiable or acrimonious? I too would be skeptical of the simplistic “love of my life” line.

@Girl, why in the world would you choose to jump right back in to the world of alcohol abuse/alcoholism?

MsDogLady · 24/02/2019 00:06

into

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2019 08:31

It sounds like you have gone from one relationship with an alcoholic straight into another one with this man also not being divorced this time around. You are very much his rebound here. You and he should not be together at all; you are simply enabling this man as you did with your ex alcoholic. I note without surprise either that this current man's dad was an alcoholic who died at a young age too.

Why did you choose the self same type again; there is stuff here that needs to be unlearnt badly. Part of the reason is that you are codependent in relationships. Do end this so called relationship with this person and start going to Al-anon meetings.

Why did you use the I feel trapped phrase too.

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 24/02/2019 08:57

Bloody hell leave him!

My stbxh was a functioning alcoholic, he was such an embarrassment. We have been split 8 months and he has a new gf on 5 months. I am sure he has painted me as evil for leaving but the truth is he is an aggressive, violent drunk. He will have love bombed the new gf as he doesn’t cope well single but he spends an awful amount of time messaging me crap when he is with her.
Get out, you are a rebound, he is a drunk and I am sure you deserve better

Sarcelle · 24/02/2019 09:01

Please end it. There is nothing for you in this relationship. Why would you want to tie yourself to him when his sober act has already revealed to be a sham. He's a drunk. Don't waste your time.

Dimsumlosesum · 24/02/2019 09:03

Oh god, it's only been 5 months. You are not the love of his life after only 5 months, he's a drunk, leave now before you get in too deep.

YogaWannabe · 24/02/2019 09:07

I think you’d be mad not to leave.
It’s only been 5 months, go find someone who isn’t a slobby heavy drinker and who can actually manage to be single for a while.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/02/2019 09:07

Nonsense. He’s a guy you’ve been dating 5 months, you’re not trapped. Tell him it’s over, then work on whatever part of you is attracted to rescuing alcoholics.

PS: You can’t, they have to do it themselves.

PPS: Of course he’s telling you you’re the love of his life. He doesn’t want to be single.

chatnicknameyousuggested · 24/02/2019 09:09

He sounds like my STBEH. In fact when I read this, I thought it was him (he left a country to be with me).
Really nice bloke on the surface, but a drunk and with time a nastier and nastier one.
Don't fall for this. Leave him. He will only make you unhappy.

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