Partner drinking and mentioning ex wife

[Girlonbus25]

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice or an objective opinion about drunk partners.

My boyfriend and I went out. We drank so I was a bit tipsy but he was slurring his words and got home slumped and not making much sense. I find this so unattractive (who wouldn't)

I hate when he's incomprehensible but do others just let it go and accept their partners drink? I'm so uptight about it,
Should I ease up on him? I like having a drink once in a while but Im surprised at the amount and frequency of him drinking.

Anyway tonight, whilst out and chatting to a couple he over shared and mentioned his recent ex wife and how he'd left a country to move with her etc. It was a bit awkward as I was sitting opposite him and it was completely unnecessary him mentioning this.

The two events are entwined. I feel lonely and questioning my relationship but I'm not exactly sure why.
I feel very fragile so please be kind. I'm just looking for opinions.

I agree with all the comments, I feel the scales are falling off my eyes.
This morning he quietly said to me he needed/needs to be with someone who loves him for him ie someone who accepts he enjoys a drink.
I find this manipulative. He says I can't fully love him if I put restrictions on him.
For the record I have never told him to stop drinking but I want him to at least acknowledge he's a heavy drinker.

@Girlonbus25 "scales falling from my eyes" is exactly how I felt with my ex husband. Alcoholics (inc heavy drinkers) tend to be very manipulative and ultimately very selfish.
Be very grateful that you've only blown five months of your life on him, time to move on.

He just wants you to put up and shut up.
He has a problem, but doesn’t want to acknowledge it.
If you try to talk to him about it you will be accused of being controlling and nagging.
So it’s easier just to let him drink.
What’s the point in that? How would you ever be happy?

“someone who loves him for him”

What did you say back?

I’d reply with “ well it appears I don’t really know the real you, do i? Yeaterday, you showed me your manipulative side. And it also appears you don’t really know me- you know- “the love of your life?”

Because the minute I said something you didn’t want to hear, you called me controlling.

The only love of this man's like is alcohol; that is what his primary relationship is with. Its certainly not with you.

He will never acknowledge that he is a heavy drinker.
No more chats, you need to end the relationship now and for your own self before you get even further enmeshed and dragged down with him.

What @AttilaTheMeerkat said!

*“someone who loves him for him”

What did you say back?*

I told him how manipulative this was and a load of rubbish.
He's broke up with his ex last year, in May time.
I've told him you can love someone but not like their drinking

Does he have kids?

Has he had a relationship or been dating since May?

Do you have proof it was May?

You seem to live together but have been in a relationship only 5 months?
Did he move straight in with you from the ex's house?

I'm sorry OP, I think he's lying about the dates.

I'd like to know more about why you feel trapped. Does he have kids? Do you?

I also don’t understand why you believe he loves you and why you think you know him so well. You really don’t know him at all - and this out of character behaviour appears to be completely part of his character as well as a repeated pattern in his relationships from what you’ve written.

And this is the nice whoes-me version he told you. Imagine what his soon to be ex’s version must be like

Oh please please leave him...I feel like I am reading about myself a long time ago.

Stbxh ex used to nag him about drinking, but he was a happy drunk and I believed him and tried to excuse.
13 years later and 2 dc and he was a horrible violent drunk who put drink ahead of his marriage and children.

Please don’t think I am having a go I just wish someone had told me to leave.

Neither of us have kids.
When I say I feel trapped it's more to do with committing myself to him and thinking I knew him better. All my friends and family have met him.
I'm independent and have my own money and flat so I'm not reliant on him but I do feel torn. If you care for someone and have started to merge your life together etc
My initial message was to get an idea of if I was over reacting.
I still worry that I am being overly sensitive.
How does anyone know if someone is an alcoholic or dependent on alcohol?
It's my perception and I'm doubting myself.... I might have it wrong!

How does anyone know if someone is an alcoholic or dependent on alcohol?

Well his XW decided he was.
But you don’t need a label.
You just need to listen to your gut.
Doesn’t their drinking pattern and behaviour make you uncomfortable? Then it’s a problem. AA don’t define it by quantity or frequency or substance - they just say if it affects the relationships around you then it’s an issue.

It ended us marriage and it is worrying you.
That’s enough.

He is also manipulative.
He also doesn’t care enough about the feelings of “the love of his life” to do anything about it - because - drum roll - he can’t or won’t - so he has a drink problem and you have a relationship problem as he won’t prioritise your relationship

If drinking effects his relationships, health or work it is a problem

How are you merging your lives after 5 months? Are you the one with the property and financial stability? Do you live together?

OP, you said he moved countries to be with his wife?

What's his visa situation?

You don't know if he's a "heavy drinker", or "alcohol dependant" or an "alcoholic"- don't get bogged down in the categories.

My exh drank a lot every night but still went to work in a high powered job everyday - he didn't wake up and drink cider first thing or fit any other stereotype of an alcoholic.

What he did was drink enough every night to become very annoying and selfish, very boring and self pitying and sometimes very obnoxious -the next day he wouldn't remember so wouldn't accept responsibility or apologise.

I was much much lonelier then (married to him before or after kids) than I am now as a single parent.