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Original poster

Partner drinking and mentioning ex wife

67 replies

Girlonbus25 · 23/02/2019 21:57

Hi all, I'm looking for some advice or an objective opinion about drunk partners.

My boyfriend and I went out. We drank so I was a bit tipsy but he was slurring his words and got home slumped and not making much sense. I find this so unattractive (who wouldn't)

I hate when he's incomprehensible but do others just let it go and accept their partners drink? I'm so uptight about it,
Should I ease up on him? I like having a drink once in a while but Im surprised at the amount and frequency of him drinking.

Anyway tonight, whilst out and chatting to a couple he over shared and mentioned his recent ex wife and how he'd left a country to move with her etc. It was a bit awkward as I was sitting opposite him and it was completely unnecessary him mentioning this.

The two events are entwined. I feel lonely and questioning my relationship but I'm not exactly sure why.
I feel very fragile so please be kind. I'm just looking for opinions.

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 24/02/2019 09:10

Walk away. Or, run.

Several things. He gets drunk. Don't overlook this. It's a big thing. Bin him for that. You feel trapped. Don't overlook it. If you feel trapped now, what if you were pregnant or had a baby by him? He's not even through his divorce - of course he talks about his ex, who wouldn't? I sometimes mention mine, he's dead and we split up in 1986. So, because of who you are, don't overlook it, part of you is unreasonable, so walk away.

Get away, today. If you stay, you're inviting misery.

Original poster
Girlonbus25 · 24/02/2019 09:23

Thanks for the response.
I am not an enabler and I don't go from one alcoholic to another. As for the semantics of boyfriend /partner... I wrote the message quickly and wasn't looking at the granular detail of each word.
Saying I feel trapped was more metaphorical than actually literal.
I just needed some opinions.
I appreciate and have taken on board your comments.
Doesn't look good.

OP posts:
chatnicknameyousuggested · 24/02/2019 09:26

I am not an enabler either, but I look back and can't believe what I put up with and my children through.
OP, your story sounds weirdly familiar and bits of your post I could have written myself. By any chance is today a big anniversary for your partner?

FreedomIsMine · 24/02/2019 09:38

OP, your story sounds weirdly familiar and bits of your post I could have written myself. By any chance is today a big anniversary for your partner?

Ditto. This sounds like my ex. No big anniversary coming up though.

OP, can you provide us with a few more details of this man? Does he have DC?

Plahster · 24/02/2019 09:39

Girl, do you or your boyfriend have children?
What were the circumstances of his marriage breakdown?

Original poster
Girlonbus25 · 24/02/2019 09:42

any chance is today a big anniversary for your partner?

Yes! It's his birthday and Wales won the rugby. We spoke this morning and he says everyone is allowed to have fun and that he shouldn't feel controlled or that he can't enjoy a drink.
I really don't control ppl, I couldn't be bothered be bothered.
Apparently his ex had a problem with his drinking but he told.me this morning he was upset about the decline of his marriage hence the drinking.
I feel.like that's an excuse and his drinking had a part to play in the breakdown of their relationship

OP posts:
FreedomIsMine · 24/02/2019 09:44

OK, not my ex, though sounds very familiar. Alcohol was probably just one catalyst in the breakdown of his marriage. This is massive red flag. Run a mile!

chatnicknameyousuggested · 24/02/2019 09:51

OP I had a sick feeling when I saw your "yes". It's not a birthday though so it's not the same man.
STBEH used to say that he could enjoy a drink if he wanted to... he got progressively meaner and showed me an abusive side I would never have imagined.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2019 10:24

Your only real option going forward is to leave. The choice is yours ultimately and those are leave or stay with him. There are no other choices or options available to you.

This man will find any and all excuses to drink; his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. Is this really the life you want with a boyfriend?.

another20 · 24/02/2019 12:37

How long has he been separated from his XW?

What was the reason for the breakup? I suggest it was a significant drink problem - but he won’t tell you that - but he has alluded to it by saying she drove him to drink.....

He has been on his best behaviour drink wise for the first few months of the relationship - white knuckle riding - but he is now starting to slip. You have only seen the top of the iceberg regarding his drinking and inappropriate behaviour.

He has also love bombed you by his declarations. They are not true - he is manipulative - trying to fast forward a relationship and get you hooked in so that he can behave as he likes.

Talking about his XW - shows his bitterness and unresolved issues. He needs to be alone to work through this and his drink issues.

Move on quickly and cleanly and don’t look back. Well done for smelling a rat and starting to investigating on here. Trust your feelings - you know this is wrong and you deserve better than taking in and trying to manage an alcoholic.

youaremyrain · 24/02/2019 13:18

@Girlonbus25 Have you heard of al-anon? They can help you see your own behaviour patterns and why you fall for alcoholic men. The subconscious is very powerful.

Also read up on codependency "women who love too much" is a good start.

Also run for the hills, there's nothing but pain and torment here; he's on the rebound AND this is the best he can be, he's still trying!

Orange6904 · 24/02/2019 14:19

Love of his life after 5 months? That rings bells a bit. Sounds a bit much after a break up. 5 months isn't long.

BetzOnMark3 · 24/02/2019 14:39

I wouldn't say declaring you're the love of his life as ringing alarm bells. That can happen. Well, I believe it can. It's more the drinking and the factors which led to the break up his marriage that would concern me.

Original poster
Girlonbus25 · 25/02/2019 06:36

I'm really confused because I thought he was genuine. I don't know why he'd have to give all these declarations because I wasn't looking for it.
His ex had an issue with him drinking but apparently only at the end of their relationship and he says he drank because the relationship was going wrong.... I just can't believe that! Also why would you turn to alcohol in a crisis?! I don't want that either.
We had a long chat and by the end of it I felt guilty for even bringing his drinking up. I felt after our convo that I was over exaggerating and a controlling gfriend.... Something I've never been accused of before.
Either I am over reacting or he's in denial

OP posts:
Original poster
Girlonbus25 · 25/02/2019 06:52

The other thing he said to me was that he'd stop drinking if he was a mean/unkind drunk but he's not so that, in his head, exonerates him.
I can't argue with that because he is a seemingly happy drunk (but slurs his words and isn't who I know as a boyfriend).
I feel like anything I say is nagging or moaning and I'm over reacting x

OP posts:
another20 · 25/02/2019 07:02

How long has he been separated from his XW? Does he have DCs.

chatnicknameyousuggested · 25/02/2019 07:06

STBEH started out so nice. A happy, sweet drunk. He'd never been a mean drunk until he met me. I was a nag. By the end I was to blame for making him angry, for nagging, for going on, for having a go, for getting at him, for pecking his head. All he wanted was a few drinks aa he'd had a bad day, a good day, a long day, an interesting day, a hot day.
Nagging was his name for me calling him out on his increasingly nasty behaviour. Nobody had ever called him out before because they didn't have to go home with him and live with it.

Aussiebean · 25/02/2019 07:06

So you want to be with a man who dismisses your concerns and tells you that you are over reacting and stop nagging over a serious issues that causes you distress?

Despite his wife having THE EXACT SAME issue and that he ended the marriage over rather then stop drinking?

Even if you are over reacting (which I doubt you are) do you want to be with a man who become someone else when he drinks?

chatnicknameyousuggested · 25/02/2019 07:06

You are NOT nagging. Please don't fall for this.

chatnicknameyousuggested · 25/02/2019 07:09

I threw my H out and he had to move back to the UK. His version is that I am a nagging controlling harridan.
He would rather be divorced than stop stinking. OP I know it's not but it sounds like the same man. You really don't want to live like this.

another20 · 25/02/2019 07:16

I feel like anything I say is nagging or moaning and I'm over reacting x

That’s exactly how he wants you to feel - so that you will leave him to drink as much as he likes in peace. And that is why he love bombed you so that you would feel guilty. Highly manipulative.

chatnicknameyousuggested · 25/02/2019 07:17

Drinking not stinking. I hope that was obvious.

purpleelk · 25/02/2019 07:27

So the man who calls you the love of his life thinks you are manipulative, controlling and nagging because you expressed your concern about his alcoholism.

NabooThatsWho · 25/02/2019 07:34

We had a long chat and by the end of it I felt guilty for even bringing his drinking up. I felt after our convo that I was over exaggerating and a controlling gfriend.... Something I've never been accused of before.

He’s already messing with your head.
He’s the one with the problem, not you.
Please don’t waste anymore time with him. He’s not in a fit state to be in a healthy relationship.
Go and find someone that deserves you. And make sure they don’t have a drink problem.

ColeHawlins · 25/02/2019 07:48

Making you feel unreasonable and controlling is part of it. This is all very worrying and intense for just 22 weeks in. I'd run.