After 32 years, is our marriage irreparable?

[Wowserme]

We’ve been married for 32 years, generally happy with no big issues like affairs etc..
Husband has now semi retired, so is home a lot more but we really can’t be together without arguing, he gets aggressive as in shouty and sweary, he called me a fucking cunt and a dick last week which makes me hate him and I generally then spend all day for several days in the bedroom as I can’t bare to be in the same room as him.
We’ve argued so much over our adult children as well, especially our daughter who comes home for weekends and thinks we’re a hotel and does absolutely nothing to contribute to any cooking, cleaning etc...
we had a huge argument over the Xmas period, she left and he automatically sided with her as he has always done because she’s his precious daughter. I spent 4 days in my bedroom terribly upset and things haven’t been the same since,
Daughter and I still aren’t talking, I actually resent the problems that she has caused between me and her father.
Basically I can’t stand to be around him any longer and I believe he feels the same so the only option is to call it a day however I find it impossible to make decisions. Deep down I really want to leave and live on my own away from any more tension and arguments.
Do any of you have any advice please as I honestly don’t know where to start?

I left my husband 18 months ago after 29 years so it's never too late to move on and find a bit of happiness. Your first step is probably to speak to a solicitor, find out what you are entitled to and take it from there.

Good luck.

Thank you so much for your reply Cambionome, have you had any regrets?
I don’t think we’ll gave any problems in agreeing a 50/50 split of the family home and his pension as we have discussed this but we don’t see eye to eye on sharing his mum and dads house that was left to him and his brother. It’s vurrently rented out and I think I should get 50% of everything.
When my parents died and left us some money albeit a small amount that was put into our bank account and swallowed up with the finances.
Do you have any other advice? Did you leave and rent somewhere or wait until you sold your home and then buy something else?

It will get messy. Just get a solicitor. It sounds like you will both be happier.

Would you guys be willing to go away together just the two of you? I think you need some space to just focus on your marriage and not think about your kids.

Or even choose to do a hobby together once a week.

We’ve got absolutely nothing in common and never have had tbh with you other than our children.We do live alone, both children are late twenties and no longer live with us.
We’ve forgotten how to sit and converse and all he does is read and watch the tv and I use my iPad. We have talked about sharing a hobby or something but I think we’re beyond that.
I’ve realised that we no longer have any respect for each other, for him to have called me a C**T was indicative of that as it’s a word that he’s always despised and never ever used.

I would leave. It’s sounds like an intolerable situation and you have my sympathies. For what it’s worth my good friend who has been married for 30 years has recently divorced her (cheating) husband and is now having the time of her life. It can be done x

Has he been verbally abusive throughout the marriage, or just recently? I would never condone any name calling, but I do understand if it’s during dark times.

32 years is impressive- But if you feel your love is completely dead, or he’s not willing on working through the issues, then the best option is to separate.

Talk to him. If he doesn’t listen to you and respond respectfully, then you know your answer.

No he hasn’t, he has been a very good husband and father.
The name calling is a new thing, hence me realising we’re doomed and definitely at an all time low. I genuinely don’t think we like each other at all but I do believe that we love each other and probably always will.
I know we’ve both changed me probably more so, since going through the menapause I'm cranky, have zero tolerance and totally lacking in confidence.
It’s all so sad, we’ve worked hard and well as a team over the years and we are financially secure and in a position to enjoy our retirement together.
I just don’t see any other option open to us now because as each month goes by, things are getting worse and resentment and tensions are increasing between us.

I have absolutely no regrets at all, op, but maybe my situation was different from yours.
You say you still love him...? Would it be worth talking to him and seeing if you can find a way through this?

That said, being called a cunt would be the end for me.

Sounds like you've had a good life, you've gone through a change with him being around more. You could try the things suggested above, like a joint hubby etc, it's been 32 years, it's got to be worth a bit of time & effort to put it right, what do you have to lose? If it doesn't work then you can walk away?

You sound like a lovely lady who just feels defeated. Most people who consider divorce say they are bitter, they hate their ex, they cheated on me/ they have hit and punched me/ they are shit to our kids/ they watch excessive porn and cam shows....

You have a marriage that can be saved. Communication is key. Also, don’t hide away in your bedroom for days after some distasteful words. I know how words can hurt, but you need to tell him how hurtful they are.

If he doesn’t care about your feelings, and if you are not willing to hear him out- the relationship is done.

Please do fight for it. Try to talk through and let go of any resentments.

Thank you everyone, you’ve made my cry. I will try to work things out and hopefully turn things around.
Sometimes you need others to help guide you through the trickier moments in life.
Big hugs to you all X

I separated from exh 18 months ago after being married 29 years. I should have left 15 years before that but stayed because of the children. It wasn't a marriage, just like yours in a lot of respects, and made me very unhappy. I am content now, exh is still bitter and angry but that is because he got one hell of a lot more from the marriage than I did and resents not having a skivvy to meet his every need. Life is too short if you ask me to stay with someone who makes you unhappy.

For what it is worth it seems to me that your daughter has contributed to the present situation and this is the catalyst for how you are currently feeling. If you are going to get half of all assets and your husband’s pension I would reconsider how much you get from his parents home. Your peace of mind is worth more. Negotiate this part of the settlement and accept less of nothing at all from his inheritance. Your daughter needs a wake up call and do t wait on her hand and foot. Book into a hotel if she comes again. No meals or cleaning up after them both. If you come home and the house is a mess, walk back out!

If you have had a happy marriage but its changed only since the semi retirement then I would look to see what could be done. It is a common issue to struggle during life's major transitions as a new way of working has to be found.

Firstly can you restore the relationship with your daughter, by your own admission you are irritable and that irritability might still be there when you separate.

That said many people leave later in life and can be happy going forwards. Could you go away for a month and see how you feel?

LTB

Is your daughter still visiting at weekends despite you both not talking to each other?

As you say you still love him and the name calling is a very recent thing, would you both consider marriage counselling? It seems a shame to end a previously happy, long marriage without getting some professional help.
If I were you I’d get a very good counsellor and try for a few months. If that didn’t work my next step would be a solicitor and divorce.

Yes I agree my daughter has contributed to our issues enormously. My husband and I have argued over our children more than anything else and the worst bit is he has always sided with them. I did actually leave him for 5 days 15 years ago for this very reason and him undermining me.
Now he wants the money from his parents house to give to our daughter to help her buy her own property but we have two children, the other one isn’t responsible enough at the current time but I want to ensure it is split equally between them when the time is right. I’m not interested in it for personal gain.
She hasn’t been back since Christmas but mu husband has gone to visit her alone. I am so hurt and resentful of them both that I can’t see how we can move forward with this now. I basically stand to lose everything that’s dear to me.
I’ve probmade a rod for my own back as I’ve always done everything for everyone including her washing and ironing when she’s come home for weekends and because I no longer have the energy or inclination it’s caused major problems in the family.
Our daughter went up to aunts (husbands sister) before leaving here at Christmas and being a drama queen has also caused issues there as SIL has not communicated with me since.
More simmering resentment from my perspective.
I just want to run as far away as I can but I’m really frightened and at a loss as to what to do and where to start.

Could you start by renting a room somewhere? Preferably in a quiet house some will start with short rentals and as it includes bills it’s often the cheapest option for removing yourself from your current situation. And preferable to sitting in your own bedroom for days on end. Or take an extended break somewhere, to get away from the everyday tension.

Give yourself some space and reflection. Have you talked to your GP about how you feel regarding menopause? And don’t concern yourself with what others think. We all hear tales about the woman who lost the plot and left her husband after all those years. Went mad and booked a holiday in Spain, neglecting her husband and adult kids. When really that woman just got tired of doing everything and gained the confidence to leave.

If you can afford it, could you rent a small flat for 6 months? Do you work?

If you don't work, could you get a a part time job? It would do you good to get out and focus on more than just family. Even shop of cafe work- they are always looking for older , reliable staff.

It sounds as if you need to get some space to see how you feel.

The issue with his inheritance and your DD is very hard. In theory it's his inheritance to do with what he wants, but I'm with you- the money should be shared and the other half put into a fund for your other child when they are able to buy.

But it might be worth you going to Relate for some counselling; my guess is he's having issues adjusting to semi- retirement and it's coming between you.

How old are you?

It might be worth seeing your dr about the menopause and a general health check because you ought not to feel so exhausted and done in all the time. Sounds as if you might want to think about HRT (if you are still suffering) or other stuff just for you- exercise group, something with friends, something you enjoy?

You say all the arguing is caused by your daughter and you haven't spoken since Christmas because they treat you like a hotel. What did she actually do and what didn't your husband back you up on?

We were expecting guests so all 4 of us needed to prepare the dinner and generally clean up, but as usual she did nothing as she decided she was going to have a bath. I said no we could all help but she took umbrage and decided she was going to leave and go back home.
My husband said that I was a control freak and that there was no reason for me to have kicked off about something so trivial. I then went up to my bedroom and stayed there for 4 days.
Mine and husbands relationship has been dire since then, we try to be civil then something trivial will cause us to have words and then we don’t talk for days... it’s an awful environment to be in.
I can’t take HRT as I had breast cancer and an early menapause.
I am 50 now.

I agree HRT is very good but I disagree that women should take it so they can carry on as normal and continue skivvying for adult DC. You are bone tired and you have had no support from your DH or your DD. This must hurt. LTB and leave your ungrateful daughter as well. As someone else has said get an en-suite room somewhere, preferably by the sea. Use the time for contemplation and reflection and to heal.