After 32 years, is our marriage irreparable?

[Wowserme]

We’ve been married for 32 years, generally happy with no big issues like affairs etc..
Husband has now semi retired, so is home a lot more but we really can’t be together without arguing, he gets aggressive as in shouty and sweary, he called me a fucking cunt and a dick last week which makes me hate him and I generally then spend all day for several days in the bedroom as I can’t bare to be in the same room as him.
We’ve argued so much over our adult children as well, especially our daughter who comes home for weekends and thinks we’re a hotel and does absolutely nothing to contribute to any cooking, cleaning etc...
we had a huge argument over the Xmas period, she left and he automatically sided with her as he has always done because she’s his precious daughter. I spent 4 days in my bedroom terribly upset and things haven’t been the same since,
Daughter and I still aren’t talking, I actually resent the problems that she has caused between me and her father.
Basically I can’t stand to be around him any longer and I believe he feels the same so the only option is to call it a day however I find it impossible to make decisions. Deep down I really want to leave and live on my own away from any more tension and arguments.
Do any of you have any advice please as I honestly don’t know where to start?

You are much younger than I thought.

I've been married around the same number of years and am in my 60s.

If you are unhappy and just 50, I'd say get out. You married at 18 so you are not who you were then.

You have masses of life ahead of you.

If you had an early menopause and have had no intervention please ask your dr for a bone density scan- sorry to mention but I am a professional health writer and know the risks of early menopause and the effects on bone density.

That's not what you asked, I know, but you are still young.

On the topic of your daughter- I'm a bit torn here.

My DCs are in their early 30s (single) and come home occasionally overnight . I'd like it if they helped out (they did at Christmas) but if they came home for a weekend only I'd not expect them to muck in. I think once your adult children leave home it's nice if they do help out when they are around, but I see them as guests now as much as non-family members.

You only had 4 people coming- it's not as if it was a crowd of 12 or anything. I don't think you can expect your adult children to muck in as much as they did when they lived with you full time.

All I need to do now is pluck up the courage to go.
I think time away to contemplate is a great suggestion, I just need to find somewhere to rent for a month that will allow me to take my dog as I’m not leaving him behind, hopefully such a place will exist.

You will struggle to find a let for a month unless it's a room in a B&B or a holiday cottage. Lets are for 6 months.

I do think you overreacted to your daughter . when mine comes home I love fussing over her a bit because she is so busy a work, looking after herself, buying he own home- I let up a bit if she comes back for a weekend.

It is lovely to spoil your adult DC when they come home but if you are struggling with your health or debilitating fatigue it is not on for them to expect business as normal as if you are inconveniencing them.

I’d ask in legal if I were you but to my knowledge you have no right to the house from his parents inheritance because it wasn’t left to you regardless of your inheritance being absorbed into the family pot. You therefore have no say in what he does with it even if he choses to be an idiot and not share it equally between your DDs. It’s his lookout the backlash that may give him in the future (thinking about a recent thread where the OP was the sister who got nothing).

Jingling, I have always pampered my daughter when she comes home at weekends and I’ve never expected her to do very much if anything. I’ve enjoyed pampering her.
We did have family coming for dinner that day so that was why we needed to tidy up and prepare dinner. It was only going to take an hour or so with us all helping.
I had also been admitted into hospital on Christmas Day as I was urinating blood and really didn’t feel very well.
I do have osteopenia as a result of the eRly menapause and years of taking Tamixifen for my breast cancer.
Thank you so much for your comments, they are very much appreciated. X

Having also get out of a long term marriage several years ago, I say that if you're feeling like this, and if this is the way you're being treated, then start divorce proceedings.

Be careful: don't leave the marital home until you've seen a solicitor. And just because you've been married forever, don't think that you can predict what your DH might do. Keep your cards close to your chest.

FWIW I do not believe that marriages are necessarily forever, nor do I subscribe to the school of thought that says that if it's sort of ok, then you should stick with it. Many relationships have a 'shelf life' and maybe yours has reached this natural end. It doesn't sound nice at all the way your DH has always got your children to go against you - if I were being unkind I might think that he has engineered this over the years in order for him to keep control.

There's no medals for enduring a marriage that has soured. Good luck with whatever you decide.

And perhaps you can tackle your relationship with your daughter once you've sorted out your freedom. Finally, I do not think it at all unreasonable to ask her to help you organise things when you're expecting visitors.

I'm sorry you were ill on the day- you didn't make that clear. Your DD ought to have helped.

But it seems a bit of a storm in a teacup in itself.

I'd not stay with a man who called me a cunt and if this is his attitude you would do well to consider leaving.

However, I do think you should have a family chat with your DD and try to build bridges. Your SIL ought not to have got involved by offering her somewhere to stay. she ought to have sent her back and it needed a family chat over what's expected.

The Op’s DD would have known about her mum’s breast cancer and most cancer sufferers have fatigue even years after the all clear. Often a result of treatment.

You’ve got to get out of this, you only get one shot at life.

It sounds like he hates you

firstly i would stop daughter coming back and treating place like a hotel she is an adult and should be made aware how much she is affecting things between her father and mother.
i am not saying stay but surely it would be worth firstly a short break away a new place and a chance to talk things through calmly in a new place it might be easier also counselling could be worth it before it all goes

Daughter hasn’t and does not want to come back any more than I want her to. The problem is we are both stubborn and this could go on forever. I still feel so strongly about everything and I’m not willing to back down or hold out an olive branch as I am still so upset by it all.
I will go away, for a week or two to gauge how I feel without him and then decide what to do from there.
I’m more inclined towards calling it a day now but a couple of weeks break will hopefully help me make rational decisions.
It’s all very, very sad though... I would never have thought that I would be in this position potentially losing both my husband and daughter over something so trivial. 😩

OP have a look for an airbnb. Lots of dog friendly places on there for short term rent. I don't think a PP is right about inheritance - once it's been received it's generally in the matrimonial pot. Get some legal advice - if you're in London/South I can find some recommendations if you want to pm as have good friends who are matrimonial barristers. Good luck

But you are the one in charge of losing them over something so trivial
From reading what happened it was all a storm in a tea cup that escalated and you won’t back down

OP I know you say you are stubborn but that is a CHOICE of behaviour. It's not something that has to be.

You can choose to continue this silly rift or you can choose to heal it.

If you look back in 10 years and think you fell out with your DD over not much more than a bit of laundry or setting the table, how silly does that sound?

I'm sorry- I do sympathise, but I also think you are both being a pair of prize idiots to fall out over something so trivial.

If you DO leave your husband, you dont' want to lose your dd as well.

Phone her up, text her, say you are sorry and you want to talk and make up.

Being stubborn is not a virtue. it's 'bigger' and more grown up to hold out an olive branch and it's also a good lesson for your DD to see you as her parent can do this.

If you're not working and have a bit of spare money then I think the best thing would be to go away for a couple of months to have some breathing space.

His language towards you was appalling and your daughter, enabled by your husband, treats you really badly.

Wrong info given as normal.
Everything you both own is joint Ownership. Including the parents inheritance.
As you have no children at home 50/50 is the most likely outcome from a judge...
And yes I do know this for fact....

@mummmy207

You are not completely right on that.

The issue of inheritance is grey not black and white.
This links shows how someone can try to ring-fence it, and it does not always have to be in the pot for division.

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-jan-apr-2017/divorce-advice-on-ring-fencing-inherited-assets/

And although 50-50 is the starting point, a non-working spouse with little prospect of supporting herself may find the split could be 60-40 in her favour, if the husband has a good income.

I don’t want any of the inheritance, all I want is for it to be equally shared between our children if my husband decides he wants to give it to our daughter.
My in-laws were wonderful hardworking people and I’m determined that there hard earnt money will be spent wisely and I’d like to think they would approve of their money being devided and spent on a deposit for a property for both of their grandchildren.
However I do want 50% of everything else that we own and this should hopefully give me enough to buy myself a small property with a modest income especially if I get myself a part time job as well.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP - you sound exhausted, sad, disrespected and taken for granted. I agree with going away for a while with your dog BUT as well as using it to think about how you want your future to be also see a good solicitor (without mentioning this to anyone at all).

Before you go ensure you have a good Picture of your and your DH's finances including paperwork (bank and pension statements, payslips, any paperwork around the extra funds from you etc), look online for what the possible value of your home and your husband's inherited home and put together some bullet points of what you want to achieve from the meeting with your solicitor. If you don't have one yet also discuss your Will with the solicitor.

You may decide to stay in your marriage but knowledge is power and may also a little more clarity in how to proceed. Good luck whatever you decide.

Completely agree with @Ginny008 & be prepared for your husband to turn very nasty. Given how he's been speaking to you already, likely this will get a lot worse.

Good luck as 50 is far too young to be this miserable (actually any age is but if you were 95, it might not be worth the hassle of divorcing).

I know everything about our finances as we have strived to get where we are today with a lot of forward thinking, planning and hard work. We have always worked as a team and have never been any secrets with regard to our finances.
If we do divorce we will both be alright financially but we won’t be able to live comfortably with the holidays we had planned and will need to be careful with our money.
I need to get away and hopefully feel I want to fight for my marriage and relationship with my daughter, maybe I am in a bit of a black hole due to the mensoause and numerous health scares over the past year or so.
You have all been so kind and helpful, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. X

You sound so utterly fed up op

I would suggest marriage counselling but you BOTH have to want to make it work, you sound like you’re at the end of your tether and it doesn’t sound like your dh is that bothered.

You could always try and write into the divorce that your dh inheritance is split 50/50 between the dc. But you’d need to see a solicitor about that.

Tbh is have walked out when he called me a cunt. Something can’t be unsaid and I’d find that utterly disrespectful.

As other pp have said, get yourself away for a few weeks peace. I wasn’t married as long as you, but when I split from my ex die to similar reasons I kept expecting for the grief and upset to come, but it never did. I just enjoyed the peace and quiet (and still do). I think I wa so pisswd off and dejected when I eventually did leave there was nothing to be upset about.

The comment about ring fencing inheritance comes up when there is not enough money to provide for both sides, in the last few years "needs" has been made more normal as a way to split assets
Any assets of the marriage can and will be used if needed to ensure both sides have adequate money for their needs.
In this case both partners of marriage having money to buy a house, even if smaller than they had
And yes I would take half the parents money, but hold onto it for your other child.

If you split, I think you should have your quarter of the PiL house if your inheritance was swallowed up. It's the principle of the thing. So his brother gets half and he gets half, which he shares with you, as you did with him. It isn't right that he is favouring your daughter, so don't feel bad about not enabling it.

Also I don't think he is being kind to either you or your daughter, as well as prioritising being Mr Popular for himself.
It does you daughter no favours at nearly 30 to expect to be waited on and not contribute. It isn't fair on you either to be used as the dinner cooking skivvy- maybe he can't see it from your viewpoint as he also expects not to help. If so, they are both disrespecting you, and he is enabling her to.

He is about to find out you are no pushover, and that he can't expect to treat you like that and get away with it.