After 32 years, is our marriage irreparable?

[Wowserme]

We’ve been married for 32 years, generally happy with no big issues like affairs etc..
Husband has now semi retired, so is home a lot more but we really can’t be together without arguing, he gets aggressive as in shouty and sweary, he called me a fucking cunt and a dick last week which makes me hate him and I generally then spend all day for several days in the bedroom as I can’t bare to be in the same room as him.
We’ve argued so much over our adult children as well, especially our daughter who comes home for weekends and thinks we’re a hotel and does absolutely nothing to contribute to any cooking, cleaning etc...
we had a huge argument over the Xmas period, she left and he automatically sided with her as he has always done because she’s his precious daughter. I spent 4 days in my bedroom terribly upset and things haven’t been the same since,
Daughter and I still aren’t talking, I actually resent the problems that she has caused between me and her father.
Basically I can’t stand to be around him any longer and I believe he feels the same so the only option is to call it a day however I find it impossible to make decisions. Deep down I really want to leave and live on my own away from any more tension and arguments.
Do any of you have any advice please as I honestly don’t know where to start?

Would you go for counselling yourself first. You would be clearer in your own thinking.
But staying in your room for days and not talking to your dd etc is all quite immature behaviour.
Focus on yourself, getting rest and getting some counselling and maybe ye can still sort it out.
Obviously he shouldn't call you such names but you say he has always been respectful so looks like there is total frustration on both sides.

Make an appointment with relate for yourself.discuss counselling for yourself or both of you and later with your daughter. Get away for a couple of weeks and then see how you feel.

I agree, he’s done her no favours at all and I’ve always said it’s because he wants to be the good guy whilst I’m the bad one. As a result of him always undermining me and my attempts at disciplining our children neither of them can follow orders or be managed as they object to it and generally change jobs fairly frequently as I think that they are unmanageable.
When I said this to my husband he goes into denial, so I just don’t bother saying anything anymore... I’m totally bored and extremely RESENTFUL of it all as it’s been going on for 20 plus years and I know I’m just wasting my breath.
As I’ve said to him he can deal with any issues all by himself now because I want none of it.

Go away, breathe some fresh air. Sit with your thoughts in peace for a while. The answer will come.

If nothing else you will get a break - and it really sounds like you bloody deserve one!

Has he worked harder generally than you in looking after the children, or is it his way of compensating for having done less, or having been around less?

I always think that parents who strive to be popular at the expense of the other parent either have damaged egos, or are trying to make up for something.

It is awful that he put them through that, growing up.

No I’ve been the main parent, we’ve both worked buthe worked longer hours.
I’ve never been able to understand why he hasn’t been able to discipline them. He’s always said it’s because I’ve never give him the chance to and that I’ve always gone overboard. Whereas I’ve always felt I’ve needed to be the strict parent as he has never been capable of doing so.
But if he’s done it to be the most popular parent I guess he’s won hands down.

What do you mean by strict? The example you gave of refusing to do all of the cooking at the weekend is reasonable. Could there be an issue with how you manage your communication around that? Do that what you say (reasonable) comes over as unreasonable in the delivery of it?

Even if that is the case, you are quite right to refuse to be spoken to in that language. And you have a right to expect support from every adult in the family to not eg cook alone. As for your daughter, she no longer lives with you and should expect to contribute as any adult son or daughter does. You are not literally running a hotel or weekend all-in retreat.

I think you need to remove yourself from the situation for a few weeks. Have other posters missed the bit about your breast cancer and Tamoxifen. Cancer causes fatigue, debilitating fatigue, and sometimes you energy levels don’t return. Add the menopause and I think you are being treated disgustingly by your DH and DD. She expects you to do her laundry and wait on her. He colludes. You are being undermined in your own home.

Wow! I’ve been so convinced that I’ve been in the wrong all along...
But you’ve all given me hope that maybe I’m not.
I do accept that I may not communicate my points as well as I thought but my children and my husband all know that I’ve aleays put them first and loved them all with a passion.
I accept that I’m far from perfect my I do genuinely believe I have been a great mum and wife.
I love this forum, sometimes I think it can be quite brutal which is not nice but 5ere Re also times when it’s fantastic and certainly helps in your moment of need.
I do love my husband and I’m goinf to give it one last shot to make things work but if it doesn’t I will leave and call it a day, that’s if he hasn’t already decided to do so.
Thank you to everyone of you, I am truly grateful for your responses.
💐 are being sent to you all x

I wish you the best of luck and hope things work out for you!

All the best Op

Good luck - I'll keep my fingers crossed all goes well. However you already sound stronger and less bewildered so I think you'll do well whatever happens. 🌹 💐 for you.

In term sof his inheritance - you will need to show that the income from that goes into family costs - otherwise he may have a case for excluding it.

The starting point for seperating finances should be 50% especially after a long marriage and that includes chattels in the house, jewellery etc

You do need to make sure you have paperwork sorted before leaving and have access to fund to kick off divorce and financial hearings. GOod Luck