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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this the wrong approach to finding a husband?

54 replies

datingsally · 23/02/2019 10:45

I’ve met so many objectively decent men in the last few months! They had decent jobs, kind, nice conversation etc.

I have never ever met any of them more than twice, despite being asked out by them all after the first and second dates.

I either don’t feel there’s a big spark, feel like they’re not ‘the one’ or can’t be bothered to get all dressed up thinking it probably won’t go anywhere long term.

I want a husband and a family but I’m usually told I come across not too fussed about relationships. It’s not exactly true but I supposed I just want the right, long term, marriage material relationship.

Am I doing something wrong here? Expecting too much? Am I taking the wrong approach to dating?

OP posts:

Hellohappiness · 23/02/2019 10:46

You’re not expecting too much but you do have to make some effort eg get dressed to go out! It depends how much you want a relationship.

PinkHeart5914 · 23/02/2019 10:47

Thing is after 2 dates your not going to feel someone is “the one”. If you don’t give dating a chance, you’ll never meet anyone!

You have to date and really get to know someone

ImNotKitten · 23/02/2019 10:48

What’s your dating history like? If you’re used to men with drama/ blowing hot and cold then men who are decent can feel boring. I’d give them more time and see if a slow burn develops.

Original poster

datingsally · 23/02/2019 10:54

I’ve read so often that people know in the first hour so that’s always in the back of my mind.

I do want a relationship, I just feel low now after everyone else is married off etc so I sort of feel it won’t happen for me I guess.

I also get all shy and embarrassed about any signs of vulnerability from the man in the first few meetings...which doesn’t bode well because decent men are usually not crazily confident in meeting one are they?!

OP posts:

chatwoo · 23/02/2019 10:59

Maybe get to know them as people first (go on a second date - it's unfair to expect 'the one' to be obvious immediately!). Don't go into each first date with a view to judging if the person will be husband material or not.

It's a tough business dating, and I know there can be 'peaks and troughs'!

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 11:02

There is no such thing as “the one”.

It sounds like it’s you not wanting to see them again? Why not?

Is this OLD or men asking you out in RL?

If you can’t be arsed dressing up, why not do low key dates in the daytime, eg lunch, coffee, park, pub?

Parsleyisntfood · 23/02/2019 11:02

Take the know within the first hour stories with a pinch of salt. It’s easy to say that looking back after it’s all worked out, unlikely anyone could say it actually after 60 mins.
To marry someone you are going to have to date them more than twice. Then it comes down to whether you’re prepared to overlook some flaws if there’s something you like or if you will only date people who tick all your boxes. No judgement from me either way.
I am about the least romantic person though, I don’t believe in soul mates or the one and only.

NotTheFordType · 23/02/2019 11:04

I’ve read so often that people know in the first hour so that’s always in the back of my mind.

Ridiculous. You could be really keen at the start then find out by the end of the date that he's a UKIP supporter, or that he's rude to serving staff, or that he regularly drives drunk.

If you don't really want to settle down and marry, that's fine. Just because most people say that's what they want, you don't have to want the same things. If you're at the point where you're saying "Damn I want to get married... but I can't be bothered putting pants on" then I don't think you're that bothered for your own sake!

AriadneCrete · 23/02/2019 11:04

I’ll be reading this thread with interest, as I seem to have the same issue!

wijjjy · 23/02/2019 11:08

Take the know within the first hour stories with a pinch of salt. It’s easy to say that looking back after it’s all worked out, unlikely anyone could say it actually after 60 mins.

Do these people who knew he was "the one" ever tell you about all the other men that they thought might be the one, but fizzled out. It's mostly selective memory.

You are going to have to work - the one is not going to fall in your lap.

Pishogue · 23/02/2019 11:08

This. And honestly, OP, if the fact that you have heard people say 'they knew' within an hour of meeting someone is actually affecting your approach to something you really want, you should really think more carefully about allowing random bits of completely unsubstantiated anecdote to dictate your behaviour.

FraggleRocking · 23/02/2019 11:13

There was an immediate connection with my now DH, in that we could make conversation, laugh, had general attraction, but I absolutely did not ‘know he was the one’. That takes time and effort. Go on dates, get dressed up and show interest. I would say if it feels like a real chore then it’s probably never going anywhere and don’t waste your time.
I also know couples who were friends for years and their relationship has evolved and they are now married. Never rule out what might be right under your nose.

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 11:15

And what do you mean “confident”: how do you think a “good husband material” man should behave on dates?

Original poster

datingsally · 23/02/2019 11:23

Wow thanks for the replies!

To clarify I do want a husband, it is something I have always seen as what I want in life and not just because others have it!

I think I am hoping for that thunderbolt moment. I don’t want to have to have the beginning uncomfortable silences and nervous comments... I hate it all! I’m not willing to make the effort I suppose. Guess I am all worn out by it?! But as people say, I have to make an effort if it’s something I want

OP posts:

Hellohappiness · 23/02/2019 11:29

Why don’t you just take a break from it for the moment?

Original poster

datingsally · 23/02/2019 11:35

Because I’m mid thirties now and feeling like it’s now or never...

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 23/02/2019 11:37

Those expectations are unrealistic.

cannotmakemymindup · 23/02/2019 11:44

The best way to date is to think do I want to be friends with this person?
The reason I say this is marriage should always be people who are best friends. That helps get you through anything. Because even when things are tough or difficult you know you have your friend by your side. Friendship does take time though as does love and marriage.

That's not to say it is that you don't have other good close friends or anything.

I have been married for just over 7 years and my Dh is definitely my best friend. We can talk so much, just pass time by especially when we are really getting on. We have had ups and downs but we have to make sure we communicate lots. Again just like a good friend.

crimsonlake · 23/02/2019 11:47

To find the 'one ' you are going to have to make an effort basically. I get where you are coming from with not wanting to make the effort, get dressed up and go out etc. Perhaps you have got out of the habit, as that is something that happens. Are you building up the first meet to be something more than it should be? Just think of it as meeting up with a friend , no huge expectations and take it from there. If you are saying that instant spark is missing, I would advise at least a second date so you know for sure. If you really could not imagine kissing them and have no desire to then they can remain in the friends category. Having said that I ended up kissing someone I thought would be in my friends category, after that kiss things changed for me. Keep dating, make the effort as that is the only way you are going to get the things you desire in life, they will not come to you if you are sat at home. Hope that helps and you must be doing something right to get dates.

Notonthestairs · 23/02/2019 11:51

It is only with hindsight that people know that the one was The One (I don't believe in The One by the way - it's rom com nonsense).

You sound a combination of jaded and romantic. Only date people you are attracted to. Don't compromise core values. Wait to discover what you have in common before deciding either way. To do this You need to give a nice man - who you are attracted to - more than 2 dates!
It takes time.

AriadneCrete · 23/02/2019 11:57

I understand being worn out by it all. Dating can be exhausting, especially if you’ve been doing it a while! Ask yourself why you get shy/ embarrassed by signs of vulnerability from men. Do you then push them away? My past relationships have all been a bit dramatic and as a previous poster said, I used to write off normal men as boring. When actually “boring” men are often the stable ones. So that’s something I’m working on. Maybe working out exactly why vulnerability makes you uncomfortable will help.

I do think you need to keep making the effort and keep dating as in today’s world especially, you’re unlikely to just happen to meet the right person. But I sympathise!

Kismetjayn · 23/02/2019 12:05

Forget all 'the one's. I fell in love at first sight, we've been together years, had a child. Thunderbolt moment as soon as we kissed... Highschool sweethearts, in tune, always together, the perfect love story 🙄

Turns out he's a lazy bastard, financially crap, low level controlling and I was too young to see the signs that were there all alone. We are separating and I hope to meet someone boring and lovely a few years down the line to actually have a decent future with.

losingfaith · 23/02/2019 12:14

I understand what you mean. Personally, I think you know based upon the spark / chemistry very quickly on a date and that multiple dates are not necessary to establish whether or not it is there.

When I was dating i met lots of nice men but felt there was something missing (even on first date). I did see a couple a few times and that usually was enough to help me decide whether I wanted to pursue things. I did try with one guy as I had reached my late 20s without being in a relationship. It fizzled out within 3 months. When I met my husband (been together 12 years) despite being jaded there was a spark (hard to explain) between us and weirdly I knew he was someone I would like / really wanted to get to know. Until then I'd always rolled my eyes at my mum when she said she had a "thunderbolt" moment when she met my dad.

Definitely only date people you fee attracted to and have the same core values like a previous poster said - for me it was mainly family and being able to integrate was essential. Follow your instincts so don't talk yourself into pursuing things with someone if you're not sure.

Unfortunately it is a numbers game and you will need to put effort it - I have a v busy job and work long hours so rather than wasting evenings. I would meet for a coffee at lunch or a couple of drinks in the evening. That way I didn't have to commit to entire evenings unless I wanted to.

Original poster

datingsally · 23/02/2019 12:31

Losingfaith where did you meet your husband?

All my dates are online

OP posts:

Original poster

datingsally · 23/02/2019 12:31

From online! Not conducted online! Haha

OP posts:

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