Is this the wrong approach to finding a husband?

[datingsally]

I’ve met so many objectively decent men in the last few months! They had decent jobs, kind, nice conversation etc.

I have never ever met any of them more than twice, despite being asked out by them all after the first and second dates.

I either don’t feel there’s a big spark, feel like they’re not ‘the one’ or can’t be bothered to get all dressed up thinking it probably won’t go anywhere long term.

I want a husband and a family but I’m usually told I come across not too fussed about relationships. It’s not exactly true but I supposed I just want the right, long term, marriage material relationship.

Am I doing something wrong here? Expecting too much? Am I taking the wrong approach to dating?

Mixture of being out and online. With the online dates, I spoke with multiple people - I'd recommend keeping messages to a minimum and meeting up sooner rather than later otherwise you build up an idea of someone and can then be easily disappointed. After a while I decided short "date" coffee / drinks initially worked better for me. I was quite jaded by the time I met my husband but to the point that I was resigned to being single rather than settling for the sake of it. Good luck!

I have a date later and really having to force myself to go! He seems nice but then they all have!!

You do sound exhausted from it, which I can understand.

Is taking a break of a few months out of the question, or does it just stress you out because this is something you want and you feel you're up against the clock?

I feel totally like I need to get on with it. That said it’s not like I put my all into dating, just meet someone new once or twice a month, sometimes more depending on the mood!

You don’t want a husband. If you did you wouldn’t be making bullshit excuses about love at first sight.

I always wonder about the ‘dressing up’ thing. My friend goes all out, high heels, make-up etc. I’m not that kind of person at all (hardly wear makeup, casual, Scandi type style) and wonder whether if I did that for a date I would give the wrong impression. Do men expect dressed up women? What if it’s not your style?

Gregory I really do though. My significant relationships always came from an initial spark...granted they did end!

When I do go out I don’t dress up clothes wise but I always do make up fully like I would for a dinner out with friends

Sorry, realised that was massively off-topic. Sorry, OP.

I feel your pain though. This whole ‘dating’ scene is very off-outing to me. I’m divorced and would love a new partner but am scared to make the step.

Do old-fashioned marriage agencies still exist?

Off-putting

I get what you mean. I think some posters have been far too scathing. I'm 32 so a bit younger than you I think but I've never had a serious adult relationship (only started dating last year).

All the men I have met have been on paper, perfectly nice. They've been polite to waiters and most haven't gone for flashy extravagances.

I'm not looking for a knight in shining armour but I think you should be at least excited to see them the second or third time if they're going to be a long-term prospect. There's no point in dragging it out if you're politely looking at your watch on the second date.

I'm not really sure what the answer is myself... I just hope that there's someone who I feel excited about eventually.

I feel your pain. I want a boyfriend (husband seems to much to hope for) but I'm soooo nervous about dating, I actually called off my last date because I was having a panic attack about it!

I actually hate OLD but I have to do it, I'm not meeting any unmarried men in RL.

I generally meet for coffee on first dates & wear coffee shop appropriate clothes - jeans, a smart top, nice boots, do hair & make up. But I generally don't get asked on second dates... often because there's just no spark on either side. Also because I seem to shy probably.

I do think that you are making a mistake to go on a date thinking 'I want a husband & kids' even though you do, you just have to take things one step at a time.

I personally would say never 'settle' but plenty of women would disagree. To me I like a good sex life so the spark is very important! Sorry if tmi.
Sometimes the spark can grow though.

Take a month or two off. Right now your attitude to dating is producing diminishing returns, you might have someone fabulous sat in front of you but you’re too frazzled with it to know!

I dated for about five months after leaving an 8yr relationship aged 29. (Waited a few months before starting!)
I went on two dates per week for most of that time. I knew I was going to find him eventually so I put my all into every date. I know it’s different to most pps advice but I treated the run up to every date like he could be my match.

Crucially tho I learnt a lot about myself and my wants by going on all of these dates. I dated all kinds of guys and ignored all of my usual “rules” and “type”. I learnt what I really wouldn’t like or tolerate and what I could compromise on.
It’s this bit that will really help you see it when you meet the right guy for you

FWIW I meet my DP online dating in my 30s (I also felt the window of opportunity was closing a bit)

I def did not have that thunderbolt moment on our first date but I did have a fun evening and we enjoyed each other’s company. He made me laugh and it was very comfortable.

I think we should give decent men three/four dates by then you know if anything good will come from it.

Ps lucky you re:finding decent/normal/nice men... at least half the guys I met online were horrendous (either emotionally damaged, sex perverts or a combination of both!!)

I feel so nervous about tonight already! I think it’s right to see it as just a getting to know them as a friend rather than a date.

I just want to meet the right one! Wish I’d met him at uni, life would be easier !!!

It sounds like you’re trying too hard. Do you think men can smell your desperation to find a husband??? I don’t think many men dream of finding a wife & having children, it just happens.

Take a big step back and look no further forward than the next date. Enjoy the journey, not the destination

I honestly think if you have a good time with someone and they make you laugh, you owe it three dates. Love at first sight happens but generally it's "slow burners" that work. It's a numbers gane, don''t give up!

I used to have a three date rule. Meet someone at least three times before writing them off unless there was some bloody good reason not to meet up again.

Also take breaks from OLD it’s not good for you to keep going.

I met now DH on OLD and I knew fairly early on - but that’s with the benefit of hindsight

OP I don't want to be negative when you are sounding so gloomy, but can't you just be yourself? As a previous poster has said, if dressing up is not your style, then there's no point in doing it. A long-term relationship has got to be based on how you - and your partner - actually are, not on some fantasy. Just look your best in your own individual way. Be relaxed and be 'happy in your own skin', as the French say.

This is going to sound trite, but men are people, too. Your post does not mention anything personal about the men you have met so far. Instead you complain about the lack of a mythical love-at-first sight 'spark' . (While some people probably are strongly attracted to each other straight away, it almost always takes more than that to build a relationship. You have to like your partner, as well as love them.) Have none of the men you've met had interesting aims or ambitions, or opinions or beliefs that you might share (or challenge), or a taste for fun or exciting leisure activities, or a kindly character, a wild imagination, a gift for telling stories, a skill that you admire, an appealing sense of humour....? All these things (or similar, whatever fits best with you) are what matters when it comes to choosing who you want to spend your life with. And it's very hard to discover anyone's true qualities in just one or two meetings.

I'm sure that OLD is often very scary and depressing. Before it existed, people looking for partners were encouraged to get out and live their own lives as fully as possible by doing things that they liked or enjoyed or found worthwhile, in the expectation that they'd find a partner with similar interests to share. I don't know whether that might appeal to you....

I’ve read so often that people know in the first hour

Yes, there are also loads of 'we really didn't like each other at first' stories.

Thanks for the advice, I’m reading it all!

I don’t think I come across as desperate, I’m usually accused of the opposite - quite aloof and not really that into pursuing a relationship. I’ve never suggested a second date, if someone I liked didn’t message me I would just move on. I don’t think men are scared off, it’s always me who declines the third date.

I do try to be myself but I suppose I feel anxious about it and overwhelmed by the process of meeting someone brand new with the prospect of them being someone significant. It feels unnatural.

I definitely have considered meeting people other ways and I do try to, but the fact of the matter is that most are married by now.

I think you need to relax and enjoy spending time with someone and not overthink it.

I met my now dh (together and married over a decade) through friends on a night out, but I truly just thought he was a fun bloke and nothing more. Even after we were officially dating and together, I didn’t immediately think marriage material. I had a wonderful time with him and he was lovely and fun and genuine. But I really didn’t see it as anything more than a short term thing for about the first 6 months. And then it just hit me one day and that was it. We sat down, talked about the future and decided that we couldn’t be with anyone else. But I certainly had no idea he would be anything more than a bit of fun and I was certainly actively looking for a husband. I don’t think you always know straight away and that’s fine, so I would enjoy it and keep your options open.

I think the trick is to stop living to find a husband or partner and start living life for you. A husband may cime along but life can only be lived once. I think most men fall for women who are at peace with themselves, who have genuine interests and a life beyond finding a husband. If you don't find a husband at least that way you lead an enjoyable and fulfilling life.

By the way, I knew DH was the one within seconds of meeting him. It was absolutely electric. It was at a ball. His girlfriend was the chair of the ball committee. We had been introduced. When we sat down for dinner I glanced at his nameplate and from absolutely nowhere "I shall marry you and be OhThe Roses" hit me. Evidently according to others who were there it was blindingly obvious we would be a couple.

Chap who took me tried it on in the cab home and was politely declined. He was v nice.

Two months later this chap phoned me (1989) out of the blue. He remembered where I worked and we had dinner. Had second date and have never spent a night apart except for business, family commitments, etc.

30 years on and I love him more than ever.

@DatingSally, I could have written your post. I think those posters having a go at you for writing men off too quickly are being unfair. I’ve previously tried to give men a chance at a second date, if the first was ok, but it doesn’t get any better. In fact, it usually gets worse - as they start talking more about themselves/future-faking/pressuring me sexually - so I’ve stopped doing it. I’ve had probably 30 first dates in the last year. 80% asked me for a second; I declined all but one (and regretted not declining that one, too).

I don’t know what the answer is but I wanted you to know that I hear you. It seems to be the case that nearly all decent men are married and it really is the dregs online. I’m having a break at the moment as I’ve got too cyclical about it all (can you tell?! ).

Cynical, not cyclical!