Is this the wrong approach to finding a husband?

[datingsally]

I’ve met so many objectively decent men in the last few months! They had decent jobs, kind, nice conversation etc.

I have never ever met any of them more than twice, despite being asked out by them all after the first and second dates.

I either don’t feel there’s a big spark, feel like they’re not ‘the one’ or can’t be bothered to get all dressed up thinking it probably won’t go anywhere long term.

I want a husband and a family but I’m usually told I come across not too fussed about relationships. It’s not exactly true but I supposed I just want the right, long term, marriage material relationship.

Am I doing something wrong here? Expecting too much? Am I taking the wrong approach to dating?

You sound like you have an avoidant attachment style. I suggest you read up on it.

Its extremely common for folk with this attachment style to maintain an idealized idea of what love is meant to be like (e.g. "you just know", "thunderbolts" etc.). Its actually a subconscious technique you're using to keep people at a distance.

Typically, and I believe this is actually a piece of data from a study (iirc), "we just knew" = "our relationship is totally shit but our dysfunctions fit together in a way that is highly addictive and miserable". Love that develops over time is typically healthier.

Feeling instantly close to someone is also a sign that that person is a sociopath (sorry). Awkwardness is a sign that the person is genuine. Again. Sorry!

My suggestion is to shag men before you decide how you feel about them. I'm slightly avoidant and I've found the best way to build a relationship, once I've determined I feel safe around the man, is to first test out if we are sexually compatible (does he smell right, etc) and if we are, shag a lot and have loads of pillow talk and skin contact. The oxytocin that results makes it easier to build up some intimacy.

I have a lot of male friends but always found dating men quite an irritant.

I decided I wanted a DH when I was 29, a couple of guys gave me that wow feeling but that actually just made me a bit suspicious. I dated one and he was self obsessed and really full of himself, it lasted about three months. The other was a work colleague who chased me quite relentlessly but I never dated him. He was one of the best looking men I have ever laid eyes on and women and men swooned over him. Years later I found out he had many issues.

Along comes now DH, no wow factor just a great friend it’s a real slow burner. Takes two years before he even asks me out and I have had a marriage proposal that I have turned down in the meantime.

I agree about living life for you. I was travelling between London and Birmingham and having a great time with women friends and political campaigning and studying for professional exams. I did really want a DH and the reason I was quite directed about it was I was short of actual day to day time. I must admit I never made any of them my number one priority and they knew that. It wasn’t especially deliberate I was just very busy but it made them all super keen.

I think Ohtheroses opening paragraph is one of the wisest I have ever read on MN.

Without sounding big headed (and I really don’t mean it that way!), I don’t have a problem with being asked out and every date I’ve beeb on they’vr wanted to meet again and have been really keen. I’m busy with my own time and I’m quite happy on my own. However i do want a husband and would love a family. So I keep looking!

Strangely last nights date went really well!

I know tons of people who knew their husbands for years prior to dating them. They even disliked them!
Some of these people seem to be in the happiest marriages.