Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't sleep....have I been dumped or is boyfriend depressed?

64 replies

Strongteaplease · 22/02/2019 05:33

It's 5am and I can't sleep. I've been with my boyfriend two years and we've done alot together .He's usually very sensitive and loving. I believed he was the love of my life. It was only three weeks ago he said he wanted to live with me and we should contact estate agent to start the process. Then.out of the blue he just went cold on me and didn't contact me. He missed valentine's Day and our two year anniversary . I texted him on valentine's to say did he get the present and card that if already ordered. He just replied " yeah thanks". The day after I went to his house and found him just sat watching TV alone. I asked him what is wrong and he said he just needs to be left by himself to think for a while and he can't deal with any emotion right now. His voice was flat and his expression emotionless. I was there less than five minutes and he asked me to leave as he was " tired". So I hugged him, he didn't hug me back, I told him I loved him and he said nothing. There's been no contact since. This is a man who talked of marriage,live with me, etc. He has a very good job which can be stressful but surely that's not the reason he's like this?? Am I to presume the worst?? I'm so confused and feeling lots of heartache. I don't want to hassle him so leaving him alone as he asked but what am I supposed to do?? I sent a text two days ago just saying hope he's ok. He read it but hasn't replied.

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 22/02/2019 05:49

Sounds like he's got a flat affect which indicates depression. Regardless, it's not fair to you to leave you hanging like that. You need to ask him directly. Be prepared for something you don't want to hear.

CaseofEllen · 22/02/2019 05:54

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP Thanks xx

snowbear66 · 22/02/2019 07:01

He sounds awful OP.
He’s either dumping you in the weirdest way possible or he’s depressed.
Either way it’s pretty brutal & he obviously isn’t the man that you thought he was.
You have a chance to walk away I would take it.

TooOldForThis67 · 22/02/2019 07:04

This seems quite sudden. Depression builds up and doesn't happen overnight, well not in my case anyway. I think something else is going on and the usual suspect is another woman althought I hope not.
However, you are not going to know unless you talk to him. You are right to give him a bit of space but seems like he's had that now and you deserve some answers. It's not fair to keep you in the dark as it's affecting you. Has he got any friends or family you could discreetly ask if they've noticed any change in him? Is he still going to work?
Flowers

ConfCall · 22/02/2019 07:08

Sorry OP this must be so hard. How old is he?

A face-to-face talk is unavoidable I think.

Nc1548 · 22/02/2019 07:12

I'm sorry OP, you must be hurt snd confused.
I agree with PP who said it seems a bit sudden for depression if he was fine a couple of days ago, but either way it's no way to treat you, just leaving you in the dark. I hope you are able to figure out what is going on.

Hellohappiness · 22/02/2019 07:17

Is he still going to work and socialising?

loveskaka · 22/02/2019 07:20

Sounds like he me be suffering from bad anxiety about the potential change. (House together, marriage) etc. I went through this when me and my partner started trying for a baby and buying a house at the same time! I suffered server anxiety and panic attacks! Was horrible! I started suffering ROCD aswell which can be crippling. I have been with my other half for coming up 13yrs! And this was just 2yrs ago I went through this! Now have a 14month old and a bought house.

LemonTT · 22/02/2019 07:28

Depression can appear to be trigged suddenly. It is possible to miss the signs of building stress and some people mask their unhappiness well. Then an incident can lead to a major episode and they can’t control it any longer.

Equally some people can behave coldly and like arses when they want to split.

Do you know any friends or relatives of his well enough to ask them if he is ok? That’s what you need to do now. If he is like this with everyone or not. We can’t tell you they can.

Either way he doesn’t want to deal with your relationship right now. If he is depressed you need to accept that. You can move on or you can try to help him through his depression. The later won’t be easy because you will need to park all your emotional needs because he won’t be capable of giving you anything. The priority is to get him to a doctor and get him a diagnosis and treatment. Easier said than done.

Original poster
Strongteaplease · 22/02/2019 07:29

He's 44. He works from home half the week and travels to London the other half and he's still managing that . ( I've discreetly driven quickly past his house a few times to check!). I've only met parents a few times do not in a position to worry/ ask them and his friends seem to be based where he works so can't ask anyone. I've suspected since we met that he may be suffering from depression and trying to hide it from me. But is leaving him alone the right thing to do? He knows I'm understanding and would help him in any way possible

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 22/02/2019 07:33

Relationship =Last in, 1st out when it comes to depression and needing space. Strangely enough...

Is he still working, meeting with friends, doing hobbies etc?

In any case missing Valentine's Day + your 2 year anniversary= he's giving you strong signals the relationship has ended, but he doesn't want to say so.

loveskaka · 22/02/2019 07:33

It's very hard as the more he's alone the more he thinks (overthinks) but someone with depression/anxiety feel like being alone is the only thing that will help. So it's a thought one and you'll need to really be careful how u approach it. So sort answer is not he shouldn't be left alone but it's not as simple as that x

Original poster
Strongteaplease · 22/02/2019 07:39

He's always said he over thinks things and wishes he didn't. He's had periods of not " being himself" but never like this. He was quite adamant when I went to see him that he didn't want me there .....any other time he would have been over the moon to see me. He just looked so blank. ..but obviously going to work and my friend has spotted him at the gym a few times so he's obviously doing what he needs to do. But where do I stand? When I drove past his house two days ago, I noticed he still has a photo of us together on his windowsill so just can't understand what's going on

OP posts:
IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/02/2019 07:53

If he has depression and shuts you out, this could be your life for years to come. It will feel like a sword hanging over your head while you wait for the next bout to hit.
I think the only way through depression for a relationship to survive is if the depressed person is honest and willing to seek help.
If I were you I would go back to see him and try to find out whether this has happened before and what he is doing about it.
Personally I think he's treated you very badly. He had lots of time to tell you he has depression before this hit, so you could have been prepared. He chose not to.
So I think, one more chance to level with you and get help and failing that I'd be out.

loveskaka · 22/02/2019 07:54

I would say to him that ur concerned that he's obviously not being the same with u, as you's haven't even seen each other. Mention that it been since the talk about getting more serious, and you completely understand that it scary and you're scared too. Say it's not the end of the world if it dsnt work out. Your there for him through the scary thoughts etc. Read up on ROCD, that could help you understand how to approach him.

loveskaka · 22/02/2019 07:56

You could even say there was a thread on here about ROCD/depression/anxiety and say how you really understand the "op". Could use that as a gentle way in. X

Nc1548 · 22/02/2019 07:56

This is awful! Depressed or not he must tell you where your relationship stands. You can't carry on wondering and driving past his house like a lost puppy. He's well enough to go to work and to the gym! If he thinks this is normal I'd seriously rethink the relationship myself.

ConfCall · 22/02/2019 07:57

Read your update. After two years, and with talk of house buying etc, I'm surprised that you barely know his parents and friends. Obviously there may be a back story but at face value, it's odd, and looks as if he's been keeping you at arm's length? Is there a chance that he "settled for" you and is now regretting it? I hope I'm barking up the wrong tree.

Original poster
Strongteaplease · 22/02/2019 08:03

That's basically what I tried to say to him when I popped by the other evening but he said he couldn't handle any emotion and wanted me to go, which I did. I'm worried if I turn up again that I won't be " honouring" his request for time alone to think. I realise men and women are soooooo different ... when I need to think , it's over and done with in ten minutes! I tend to deal with stress well too. I really feel for him....whatever is going on in his head I wish I could help but then I think if it's me going on in his head and not depression then I need to give him the space. But I still don't understand what's going on with me and him. We were quite perfect....or so.i thought

OP posts:
Alison100199 · 22/02/2019 08:04

Maybe write him an email saying gently that you know something is wrong, you don't know what but you are there for him and happy to talk as and when he is ready. But explain you find the lack of communication hard so are going to back off and leave the ball in his court. Then do exactly that and get on with life. It leaves the door open to talk if he is depressed but also shows you aren't going to put up with silence.

loveskaka · 22/02/2019 08:06

I think it would be easy for him to dump her, as pp said only been together 2yrs, not meet parents much etc.

Original poster
Strongteaplease · 22/02/2019 08:06

No I don't think he's " settled for " me. He's always said he worried as he thinks I'm " out of his league" and he can't believe I'm with him, so if anything, he feels the opposite. Or so he says.....

OP posts:
Hellohappiness · 22/02/2019 08:07

I think he should tell you where the relationship stands if he is well enough to get to work and the gym. Maybe give him a time limit and then call it a day yourself. What are you supposed to do?

Original poster
Strongteaplease · 22/02/2019 08:08

Alison100199. that's a good idea. I'll do that right now

OP posts:
Suebnm · 22/02/2019 08:09

You need to think about the bigger picture here. If you move in with him how is he going to get his ‘ space’? Is he going to leave for weeks/days on end? Or expect you to leave?

Swipe left for the next trending thread