Can't sleep....have I been dumped or is boyfriend depressed?

[Strongteaplease]

It's 5am and I can't sleep. I've been with my boyfriend two years and we've done alot together .He's usually very sensitive and loving. I believed he was the love of my life. It was only three weeks ago he said he wanted to live with me and we should contact estate agent to start the process. Then.out of the blue he just went cold on me and didn't contact me. He missed valentine's Day and our two year anniversary . I texted him on valentine's to say did he get the present and card that if already ordered. He just replied " yeah thanks". The day after I went to his house and found him just sat watching TV alone. I asked him what is wrong and he said he just needs to be left by himself to think for a while and he can't deal with any emotion right now. His voice was flat and his expression emotionless. I was there less than five minutes and he asked me to leave as he was " tired". So I hugged him, he didn't hug me back, I told him I loved him and he said nothing. There's been no contact since. This is a man who talked of marriage,live with me, etc. He has a very good job which can be stressful but surely that's not the reason he's like this?? Am I to presume the worst?? I'm so confused and feeling lots of heartache. I don't want to hassle him so leaving him alone as he asked but what am I supposed to do?? I sent a text two days ago just saying hope he's ok. He read it but hasn't replied.

You can "settle for" someone who's attractive/intelligent etc, though. I did. And I hate to say it, but I behaved quite cruelly when I finally realised that it needed to end.

I'm not saying that this is definitely what's happening. Just a suggestion.

You're being spectacularly nice about all of this. He's treating you very badly. If he is depressed and has shown signs of hiding it previously, and is now in this extreme form of shut down where he pushes you right away, I would wonder whether this might be a repeating cycle. It's not something I would want as an element of my life, even if only as a niggling worry 'what if he shuts down again?'

He needs time to think and so do you. Use the time apart in the same way you would if it were a definite break up. Grieve for the relationship as it was and consider what you want for the future. Don't assume that you're somehow obliged to take him back if he shakes off this slump. There's been no 'for better for worse' vow yet and this is definitely worse. Would you get back together and plan to live with him if you thought this might happen again?

It's not going to be easy to walk away but if I have to then I will. I've invested my heart for two years in to this man and he's not being fair or kind to me

How does he get to not give a shite about your feelings but you must respect his?

He might be depressed or he might just be a complete arsewipe who can’t handle a confrontation like an adult.

Depressed or not, he doesn’t have a right to cause you anxiety.

I’d be telling him his behaviour is creating a lot of stress and anxiety for you and you won’t allow it. If he is unwilling to discuss with you what is going on, you are going to make a decision based on his actions and his complete disregard of your feelings. And dump him.

He’ll eventually be back and you can decide if you want to give him another chance and set up some boundaries.

ElizabethinherGermanGarden....if he explained himself fully and was honest to me and asked for help then yes, I'd probably stay with him and care for him if he is suffering from depression but he's not doing any of those things so it just leaves me in limbo at the moment

You poor thing, this must be maddening.
I agree with your point about men and women being different in this regard (obviously this is a generalisation and not always true, but from my observations I think it often is). I think men are much more likely to need time and “space” to think things through - and it can feel like they are shutting us out but in fact they just have to process things on their own much more than we do......
Having said that, if this is the case your boyfriend is quite capable of explaining his need for space to you clearly and kindly, and it does not justify him ignoring you altogether - anyone can send a Valentines text or order something on-line to turn up at someone’s house; a few kind words over text reassuring you it’s him, not you, would cost him nothing. So I do think he is being very selfish. But it is a type of selfishness I have certainly seen in some men before, and they didn’t all turn out to be utter shits, just thoughtless and too lost in their own emotions.

Good luck, and do consider ending it with him - it will give you some control over the situation, and also would force him to consider you as a person with her own needs (although you can’t do it on the assumption that he will suddenly beg you to come back - sadly he might not. But at least you would have taken some control).

Sorry op but depressed or not he's taking then piss and treating you like shit. He's still managing work so could Manage to message you ! Could he not have met someone else and be pushing you away ? That's often a reason for sudden change like this. Sorry if that sounds harsh. I just think there is more going on here ....

To be honest. I'd wash my hands of him at this point. Perhaps send one more message saying you're happy to talk if he wants to but won't be making contact again, then leave it. And unless he opens up / apologises massively I'd be moving on.

Ah I see you've sent an email - sounds like a good idea , now i would leave it and look after myself x

If he's well enough to go to work and the gym then I'm sorry but he's well enough to have a conversation with you. He's being a dick, depressed or not.

Going to the gym doesn’t chime with the behaviour of someone on a major depressive episode. If he can do that and go to work he can tell you where you stand.

Even if you hardly know his parents or friends get in touch if you believe he is depressed. It doesn’t sound true to me otherwise. I mean the depression or his commitment to a relationship.

Why are his feelings more important than yours? It's supposed to be a two way street. I do think a conversation is required and so yes, an email or text might give him enough space to respond but he does need to communicate with you, it's like he's giving you the silent treatment!

I've been out with someone using depression as an excuse to do what he wanted (other women) and he knew I would be considerate of this, it felt a bit like emotional blackmail as I couldn't question him because I didn't want to exacerbate the problem. Found out he was a player. I've been out with another man since who liked his space and I remember the torment and limbo I felt whilst he was off doing his own thing.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, just remember to consider that you and your feelings are just as if not more important than his, look after you.

WeAreAllScientists...thank you. Yes it appears my feelings and the severe distress and uncertainty he's caused me don't seem to be of relevance

...and yes it feels like I'm being given the silent treatment. But how would I know if he's seeing someone else? That would be pretty devastating

My heart really goes out to you. You sound as if you are behaving in a way that is positively saintly and enormously supportive and respectful. I just don't know whether that's in your own interest. He is leaving you in limbo and - frankly - behaving like a big old cock to you.

I think I would assume that you have broken up and live as if this is the case, putting your efforts into looking after yourself and reshaping/repairing your life, including, should you happen to meet someone lovely, feeling free to move on. In the meantime, he can sort himself out and work to win you back if that's what he wants to try to do.

"But how would I know if he's seeing someone else? That would be pretty devastating."

I think that his current selfish behaviour is a terrible irrespective of whether he is seeing someone else or not. He's unresponsive, he didn't acknowledge your anniversary or Valentine's Day, he's ignoring your messages and not making any effort to keep in touch. Meanwhile you can't sleep, are having to drive by his house, second guessing yourself and live in limbo. It's horrible and I can relate to it because I've been through something like that.

When was the last time he reached out to you?

If you did want to find out if there was anyone else, I would just check to see if he was on any dating sites. It's not a pleasant road to go down though but if it gives you answers, it might be worth a try. I'd send him the message first though and give him the chance to be straight with you.

Also, the guy I went out with who pretended to be depressed usually had these disappearance episodes, straight after a declaration of love or commitment.

I really hope you get some answers one way or another so you can have peace of mind, it's very unfair and cruel of him to do this to you.

WeAreAllScientists........that's what's happened. He declared his love and committment and now disappeared.
I'ts an idea to check dating sites but I'm assuming I'd have to subscribe to them myself ?. It's horrible to have to think about him like this but more horrible for me not knowing if we're over or not and why

I wonder whether he is not depressed, but actually emotionally unavailable (commitment phobic) and freaked out at the prospect of building a life together - even though he suggested it. I would give him a very wide berth indeed OP 🙁 You have offered your support and if he wants it, he can contact you. Sorry you are going through this.

You could use a pseudonym for a dating site or in the past, I've just Googled their name and put the name of a dating site after and it's brought them up.

Looks like he has checked out of the relationship. Sorry.
Something's happened to make him change like this. If he can't or won't communicate what this is then there is unfortunately nothing you can do.
My ex did something like this and it turned out he had met another woman and wanted to start a relationship with her. He did then leave (we were living together) and then came back a couple of days later saying he had decided not to start a relationship with her (think she told him to get lost to be honest).
His behaviour was exactly like this in the week between him meeting this woman and leaving. Sitting around staring into space, refusing to communicate, not responding to hugs or anything.

I'm not saying in his case it is an OW but clearly something has happened. Maybe he is depressed but it seems a bit odd to come on so suddenly.

It must be really awful for you but there is nothing you can do other than assume he does not want the relationship to continue at the moment and live your life based on this. If he turns up in the next week or so with a suitable explanation then you can decide what to do with that information.

This resonates so much with my situation except my ex ended it... even though he planned for the future more than me and lavished gifts and affection on Valentine's. He said he needs time for him.

And a number of weeks ago he shared some very bleak thoughts he had been having which was causing him additional anxiety. But didn;t want to discuss them more than just letting me know. He too is a deep thinker and get's stressed/anxious about a lot of things.

He has also said he felt I was the more attractive - not quite out of his league.

His behaviour is so confusing and has created so much stress and anxiety. But I am respecting his wishes and not contacting him.

Some 'relationship experts' claim this is a test to see if we pass i.e. respecting their wishes. It's a lopsided point of view as they clearly aren't respecting ours. Therefore if he/they do come back we need to be confident they have sorted out their issues and will have our back going forward.

Getmyfrownupsidedown....it's so hard isn't it. We want to know the outcome and why they're doing this.

I think men try to avoid the hard conversation and let us down lightly but not realizing it hurts all the more.

In man speak, you've been binned. its a tough reality but there's much more out there.

It is one of the worst causes of pain imaginable. I really do feel for you. But we need to dust ourselves off and hold our head high. We haven't been treated kindly so should carry on and leave them to it.

I say this while bursting into tears every day and walking around with the worst anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Time will heal whatever the eventual outcome - together or apart.

It's a waiting game of the worst kind. Not knowing why he can change so rapidly and turn my world upside down leaving me feeling empty. Although I'm sooo tempted to confront him, I've sent a final message earlier as suggested, and now need to just try and get on with my own life

I’m sorry op his mental health issues do not trump your own mental health. He is using depression to treat you badly. I bet there are many married men with depression who do not treat their wives this way. He manages to go to work and to the gym, but cannot be near you???
I think he is just a dick
I’d be making plans to break up with him and plan a brighter future with a man who will treat you better