Can't sleep....have I been dumped or is boyfriend depressed?

[Strongteaplease]

It's 5am and I can't sleep. I've been with my boyfriend two years and we've done alot together .He's usually very sensitive and loving. I believed he was the love of my life. It was only three weeks ago he said he wanted to live with me and we should contact estate agent to start the process. Then.out of the blue he just went cold on me and didn't contact me. He missed valentine's Day and our two year anniversary . I texted him on valentine's to say did he get the present and card that if already ordered. He just replied " yeah thanks". The day after I went to his house and found him just sat watching TV alone. I asked him what is wrong and he said he just needs to be left by himself to think for a while and he can't deal with any emotion right now. His voice was flat and his expression emotionless. I was there less than five minutes and he asked me to leave as he was " tired". So I hugged him, he didn't hug me back, I told him I loved him and he said nothing. There's been no contact since. This is a man who talked of marriage,live with me, etc. He has a very good job which can be stressful but surely that's not the reason he's like this?? Am I to presume the worst?? I'm so confused and feeling lots of heartache. I don't want to hassle him so leaving him alone as he asked but what am I supposed to do?? I sent a text two days ago just saying hope he's ok. He read it but hasn't replied.

I used to think I knew what depression was until someone close to me had a breakdown. It was totally out of the blue and very severe. I now realise I had no idea about depression but have learned a lot through contact with MH services over 5 years.
Yes, some people have very low moods but severe depression is so much more than just feeling low.

I don't know whether your partner's behaviour issue to depression but the flat voice and lack of expressing emotion and need to be alone is a serious sign.

If you know any of his family or his close friends I would contact them to raise concerns about him.

It may be that he has decided to finish your relationship and doesn't know how to go about it but equally he maybe experiencing a mental breakdown and need urgent medical help.

Older DB does this. Depressed, needs his space, needs to be on his own, has stuff to think about.

Really he just wants rid. The flat tone is there too. All designed to make a woman just go away. Most don't, for a good while. They try to hang on in there..until they feel like shit due to being ignored.

We don't get on. I see his game and he just wants 1 out, 1 in. Around 3-4 years, he gets restless

Strange that when the man is depressed it's his woman he wants out of his sight...

But even if your man is depressed OP - get on with your own life. You are not his nurse. Just 2 years in and you've this to deal with.

As sad as it is, you'd be wise not to tie yourself in knots about him. If by chance he does need help, he will have to get up and seek it out. If he does that then you can be alongside to boost him. If he wants that, of course.

I've been in a similar situation and in my case it was him getting cold feet and not being able to be honest and to have the awkward conversation. It's a cowards way of dumping. Your case may be different, but 9 times out of ten it's the end. I wasted another year trying to be friends and give him space. It led me to a full blown mental breakdown and near suicide at 45. Don't let him kill you slowly.

I’m sorry he’s doing this OP. So horrible of him to leave you standing on a cliff edge like this. Sadly if he’s still managing to go to work and the gym I would take it as him being too much of a coward to end the relationship with respect and decency.

I've never felt so low. I just feel like giving up on everything. He's shattered my dreams and it feels like my whole future. I was so good to him. So I'm waiting....for what though....hoping he'll contact me to let me know one way or the other what's going on . In the meantime I can't concentrate on anything and he's constantly in my head [confused

Amazonfromkent...I hate to admit it but I feel.like that too. I've never felt so low and out of control in all my life. How did you begin to pick up the pieces?

Oh strong

For your own sake, and to stop the feeling that you are waiting, I think you need to expect not to hear from him again. It’s going to be really painful but by making your own closure you will start to move through the process of getting over him. In time you will reach the point of being angry that he could behave so badly, and then repulsion, which is a lot easier to manage than the hurt and uncertainty you’re feeling now.

Keep busy, meet friends, try not to let your mind wallow on him.

He is being unfair regardless of how depressed he may or may not be.

I would ask him explicitly if he still wants to be with you. Unfortunately I wouldn't be surprised if he takes that convenient opportunity to say no and for things to have ended then with minimal effort from him.

If he says yes enthusiastically you can at least reasses if that's what you want given the lack of contact. And how you proceed. Because this could go on for a while or be regular if it is due to his MH.

I shut people out if I'm feeling low (and I would still visit the gym as I go with my sombre music and it helps me relax). But I am polite enough to tell someone why I'm not responding and that I'll send them a message tomorrow, etc. And certainly to instigate a message of thanks for a gift even if I didn't like it ("thanks for your gift. Sorry I haven't been great. I'll contact you soon" etc).

OP I was with a man who claimed he was depressed. He may well have been but what became apparent over the two years we were together was that he was also a selfish, immature man who actually was emotionally abusive.

He can manage to go to work and go to the gym. That means he can manage to let you know where you stand.

Sorry but I have no sympathy for him. What an arsehole. How can he bring himself to carry on with everyday life without a thought to you? Disgusting behaviour and no wonder you are in pieces. Think long and hard about whether you want someone like that in your life.

I agree with posters saying to get on with your life for your own sake.

I also would see the relationship as over and I wouldn’t want to provoke him into a conversation. You’ve made it clear you’re waiting to hear from him. His silence shows you exactly where you stand and any attempts to get him to talk are likely to hurt you more.

I think his behaviour shows what a terrible person he can be tbh

It doesn't matter what the reason is, I don't think you should even consider spending your life with someone capable of treating you like this. You are being way too understanding. Get angry and sack him off.

My first thought was - another woman.
But he is 44? If he has never been married before then he may just be a commitment phobe.

OR he's some sort of narcissist who has already 'won the game' and now he is done with you. Which is a horrible thought, but would explain the blowing cold with no explanation (right after the 'future faking' too).

Either way, I probably wouldn't fight for this relationship as even people going through tough times...its no excuse for his coldness. Please don't get into the 'oh but I don't want yo throw away 2 years' mindset. Better two than twenty!

Oh op so sorry you're going through this - it's happened to me too. I never did fine out what the reason was but he never got back in touch or checked if I was ok... it was a few years ago now. I suspect he met someone else however I've moved on now and really couldn't give a shit. I can see now, from the outside of the situation, what a knob he was (and probably still is) and am glad I got out of it, although it was awful at the time.

Don't contact him and try to stop wondering / waiting - I would , if I were you, assume that he's not going to get in touch again and try not to analyze why (whatever the reason , MH, OW or otherwise , he is a total dick).

I know it's easy to say but please try to focus on yourself. What makes you happy, what would be a real treat? Do that. Go for a spa day / night with a silly friend. Pamper yourself and feel good. Do anything you can to distract yourself.

In time the specifics of why he is acting like such a tool will fade away and you'll just be glad your a good person and not a cowardly little shit like him.

OP

My best advice is to dump him right back, tell him you deserve better, take back control and get on with laying out a new path for you. He may cone crawling back, he may not. But live for you, not him.