Hi. I am feeling a bit anxious and uncharacteristically fragile at the moment, so would really appreciate your wisdom and gentleness.
God, where to start. Ok, ex husband and I split up 6 years ago, after being together for 18 years. We have 3 fantastic kids. Reason for the split was his repeated infidelity, and he has been living with the other woman since I eventually threw him out 6 years ago. My place is very much the kids' primary home, and this is where they spend the majority of the time. He has them every second weekend, and twice weekly for dinner (but not to stay). His choice.
Now, here's where it gets a bit sticky. When we were together, I am ashamed to say that it was often a bit 1950s. He worked hard and was a very high earner. I stayed home and did most stuff there. He is a good dad, but didn't get involved with the nitty gritty stuff, like homework. Nothing has changed there, and he is very much the fun parent, while I do the bulk of the 'real' parenting.
When we split, he had a massive guilt complex, which has now dissipated. He insisted on me getting a place with the children, and paying the mortgage and bills etc. I wish to God that I hadn't taken him up on it, and that we'd sold up and gone 50/50. Don't get me wrong, my place will be sold when the children are older, and the assets split. For now however, I have a nice place to live with our children.
It all comes at a cost though, and I wish to God I'd realised it at the time. It's awful. He communicates with me in a strangely formal way, like a bit a boss would to his secretary. He changes his access times (so along the lines of he can't take them on his Friday night, so I'll have to do it) and when I raise an objection, he'll come back with 'aah, but flexibility is to be expected from you, especially considering your generous settlement'. I hate him, and hate what I've become. I loathe being dictated to. I adore my children, but fantasise about upping and leaving, and letting him deal with it all. As far as I'm concerned, I owe him nothing. The break up was down to him, and the financial settlement was his choice. Now that the resentment has crept in, he uses it as a stick to beat me round the head whenever he feels like it. His partner has very limited involvement with our children, and never ever looks after them on her own. He says that they're not her responsibility, but I would have thought it part and parcel of getting involved with someone with kids. If he can't do one of his overnights, then it automatically becomes my responsibility. In fairness, he would only ever cancel because of work commitments, rather than anything personal, but even still ...
Truth is, I don't see how I could manage without him financially. I now work full-time, in an incredibly rewarding and worthwhile job. But the money's not great. The children also keep me busy, as does our small menagerie of pets! I just feel so worn down and weary with it all. My wonderful eldest was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism (he denies it and has told her that he doesn't think she has it 
), and a part of me grieves the fact that I will never have a supportive co-parent.
Anyway, he got in touch the other day about a change to his schedule, where I will have to have them on one of his nights. I replied with the suggestion that as this keeps encroaching on my (much needed!) time off, it might be a good idea if he had them one night of his choice every weekend, instead of two every fortnight.
This is the reply:
Good morning. No, that wouldn't work for me, and the arrangements for your generous settlement incorporates accommodation of my significant work commitments. The arrangements have been in place for many years and support healthy and structured time with my children and my partner, which I will safeguard. For reference I have client commitments this Friday. Enjoy your day.
How would you respond to such arrogance? He just doesn't seem to see the absurdity and irony of his situation, in that he left me for another woman, but still needs me to step in for him.
He is very bullish and hard to stand up to. For him, money equals power. He is very intelligent, but lacks much in the way of emotional awareness. It is extremely difficult to get him to understand anything from my point of view (narcissist?).
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please help.