How to respond to twattish ex?

[Dieu]

Hi. I am feeling a bit anxious and uncharacteristically fragile at the moment, so would really appreciate your wisdom and gentleness.
God, where to start. Ok, ex husband and I split up 6 years ago, after being together for 18 years. We have 3 fantastic kids. Reason for the split was his repeated infidelity, and he has been living with the other woman since I eventually threw him out 6 years ago. My place is very much the kids' primary home, and this is where they spend the majority of the time. He has them every second weekend, and twice weekly for dinner (but not to stay). His choice.
Now, here's where it gets a bit sticky. When we were together, I am ashamed to say that it was often a bit 1950s. He worked hard and was a very high earner. I stayed home and did most stuff there. He is a good dad, but didn't get involved with the nitty gritty stuff, like homework. Nothing has changed there, and he is very much the fun parent, while I do the bulk of the 'real' parenting.
When we split, he had a massive guilt complex, which has now dissipated. He insisted on me getting a place with the children, and paying the mortgage and bills etc. I wish to God that I hadn't taken him up on it, and that we'd sold up and gone 50/50. Don't get me wrong, my place will be sold when the children are older, and the assets split. For now however, I have a nice place to live with our children.
It all comes at a cost though, and I wish to God I'd realised it at the time. It's awful. He communicates with me in a strangely formal way, like a bit a boss would to his secretary. He changes his access times (so along the lines of he can't take them on his Friday night, so I'll have to do it) and when I raise an objection, he'll come back with 'aah, but flexibility is to be expected from you, especially considering your generous settlement'. I hate him, and hate what I've become. I loathe being dictated to. I adore my children, but fantasise about upping and leaving, and letting him deal with it all. As far as I'm concerned, I owe him nothing. The break up was down to him, and the financial settlement was his choice. Now that the resentment has crept in, he uses it as a stick to beat me round the head whenever he feels like it. His partner has very limited involvement with our children, and never ever looks after them on her own. He says that they're not her responsibility, but I would have thought it part and parcel of getting involved with someone with kids. If he can't do one of his overnights, then it automatically becomes my responsibility. In fairness, he would only ever cancel because of work commitments, rather than anything personal, but even still ...
Truth is, I don't see how I could manage without him financially. I now work full-time, in an incredibly rewarding and worthwhile job. But the money's not great. The children also keep me busy, as does our small menagerie of pets! I just feel so worn down and weary with it all. My wonderful eldest was recently diagnosed with high functioning autism (he denies it and has told her that he doesn't think she has it ), and a part of me grieves the fact that I will never have a supportive co-parent.
Anyway, he got in touch the other day about a change to his schedule, where I will have to have them on one of his nights. I replied with the suggestion that as this keeps encroaching on my (much needed!) time off, it might be a good idea if he had them one night of his choice every weekend, instead of two every fortnight.
This is the reply:
Good morning. No, that wouldn't work for me, and the arrangements for your generous settlement incorporates accommodation of my significant work commitments. The arrangements have been in place for many years and support healthy and structured time with my children and my partner, which I will safeguard. For reference I have client commitments this Friday. Enjoy your day.

How would you respond to such arrogance? He just doesn't seem to see the absurdity and irony of his situation, in that he left me for another woman, but still needs me to step in for him.
He is very bullish and hard to stand up to. For him, money equals power. He is very intelligent, but lacks much in the way of emotional awareness. It is extremely difficult to get him to understand anything from my point of view (narcissist?).
I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Please help.

That doesn't work for me.

Don't say anything more. And go to a solicitor. Nothing is worth being spoken to like that. I'm so angry for you.

Problem with saying this doesn't work for me, is that it's written into the agreement she gives him consideration due to work commitments, and ultimately if he says the kids can't come then that's it. Court ordered visitation means they must be made available, not that he has to have them. I would however not be facilitating any visitation the weekends he wants to change, unless the children specifically want it. You can talk to a lawyer about going back to court, but they usually done adjust court orders that easily. Not rising, and refuse to let him see you irritated is probably the best revenge on a twat.

I’m with those saying go ‘grey rock’ if you respond with a lengthy reply he’ll know he’s getting to you and pushing your buttons which is exactly what he wants to achieve.

You’ve done great to not reply with an instant reply. I get how it angers you and your instils to reply and try and make he see sense...you’re wasting your time. Take your time to consider your reply.

My ex is exactly the same with regards childcare, in fact we don’t even have set days that we have the kids..because my ‘ex’s work schedule is so varied’ which equates to ‘doesn’t fit in with my social life’.

Keep being the ‘sane’ Parent

@lifebegins50 @Nc1584 this is great advice. He won't change and there is no Judge that will force him to have contact. Children are not stupid - they will, and maybe have already, worked out that he's a twunt who prioritises his work over them. Also that you're the parent who is present, available and nurturing and probably make choice about this as they get older.

Start to set a pattern of a standard "grey rock" response to his stupid messages. Don't give him the satisfaction of knowing your emotions and find a way to deal with it. Personally, I'd use the settlement to support what you and the children need and if that means some child care on occasion then so be it.

Having a similar situation with the father of my dcs, emotionally stepping away from this type of shit gave great release and its fades into insignificance as I focussed on being a good parent, getting on with my life and moving on.

That said, it always helps to know your legal position and I'd check this out whilst not making any changes with a solicitor.

Good luck

Once again, I cannot thank you all enough for your kind and supportive words.
I am still not sure how to reply - if at all - but knowing there are people out there who understand means a lot. Sometimes when we're so entrenched in these situations, we think 'is it just me?', but from your reactions I can see that it's not!
You have actually given me such a sense of ease tonight, and I thank you for that.

Oh and I would LOVE to use Fizz's response. I read it with what I'm sure was an evil grin on my face
I have to box clever with him though. Always.
Maybe I'll use bits of it though!

I think we may have been married to the same man! I could have had this hit my inbox and I wouldn't have though twice about the origin as it's so like something he would say. I don't have answers OP, I have fury. Watching with interest

If I felt compelled to replied I'd probably just go with "lol, nice one" tbh. And then go see a solicitor.

What a fucking prick. He obviously thinks he "keeps" you like a nanny so you can wheel out his children at a time to suit him and his career. Kids aren't stupid, they'll soon see how the land lies if they don't already. Certainly with the eldest I'd let her take the lead with how much and when she wants to see her dad rather than arrange contact for her, and to a lesser extent the 12yo. He can't expect four people to bend to his will and diary commitments.

Okay I also have an annoying Ex. I’m actually NC now which is excellent.

First I’d just let this go. Does the EOW get cancelled? That’s your main time isn’t it? If that gets changed deal with a solicitor.

A meal doesn’t sound that much off time, and in a way, by saying at the start this is flexible, means it’s not a solid commitment.

Use the money to get a regular babysitter. Get out and widen your network. Meetup is good for social gatherings.

Make your life you and your kids. Not accommodating him. If they want a club on his changeable meal night, book it and tell him they are no longer available. Just focus on what works for you. Your family. Book lovely holidays. Have fun with them.

Ignore his texts and never reply.

I've been thinking about this Dieu and I agree with those saying not to reply. Fizzy's reply is good and probably what you want to say but it's wasted effort as he won't change and probably wants an argument. Ignoring is best. The children may well decide not to see him at his convenience in future. Or maybe not, as he may use his money to subtly and not so subtly make them feel they have to do what he wants. I've been supporting my younger (but adult) DC with this.

But know you are not alone, and those of us that have dealt with men like this know it isn't easy

Unfortunately not matter what you say or do if he doesn't turn up to get the DC you are left with them. He cannot be forced to have them when he is supposed to.

The best you can do is no reaction.

I agree with no / minimal response. He’s the twat here & will lose in the end.

I wouldn’t acknowledge the request / say yes to it, I’d respond with one sentence- when will you pick them up on Saturday?

Keep it factual & emotion free. Having dealt with a narcissistic father all my life & now co-parenting (as if?!) with a narcissistic ex - lack of response / emotion less answers to factual questions are the only way to go for me.

I agree with pp's that I wouldn't send Fizzy's reply as that will just let him know he got to you. Grey rock is your friend.

My ex has similar contact xt time (eow and dinner once a week) and also often switches/ cancels due to work.

My kids are my priority (I do also work ft) and I want them to feel they have stability so I don't react to him and just enjoy the extra time with dc. Yes it means it is harder for me to make plans sometimes but I am willing to take that inconvenience for the benefit of the dc and it does get easier as they get older because they can look after themselves for a few hours if needed

Stay strong!

Lots of us go "1950s" when it comes to family life. It's just a division of labour that works best for some in an unequal world... So don't be ashamed of that.
Re your situation, it seems to me, that it is your ex's attitude rather than his actions which are annoying you. If you agreed to flexibility over the children due to his work, well that's what you agreed to.... If you don't wish to continue, you'll need to renegotiate everything.
Personally, I would just stick with it for a few more years- your youngest is just 9 so you have several years of full-on childcare to go yet and the current set up works- apart from his profound arrogance . You need to be able to vent about his utterly twattish pompous behaviour though, and get it out of your system- write the letters, but never send them, vent to friends... And I agree with PPs who say it's not his partner's job to get involved with the children. At least the boundaries are clear there. I hope you get some solace from seeing we all think he's an absolute arsehole.

I would answer "Very well, I will inform the children that the client takes precedence. They will be disappointed but they do understand your work always comes first. Enjoy your day. "

Not a word untrue! But scrupulously polite.

Oh come on, this screams all kind of wrong. When a step parent comes on and says they cant/Don't look after SS the vipers are quick in there screaming "you're a blended family, you sound like you don't like them very much....." so why is it not the case here????

OP just go back to court, it's been over 12 months you can ask for a variation.

I also absolutely agree with going back to the solicitor. It's been 6 years. You are not tied to that house until the youngest is out of college. Of course it can be sold! And what's more, I don't think legally he can stop it being sold in this circumstance, when it's part of a divorce settlement. I think your wishes take legal precedence and at most he can buy your share back if he wants to keep ownership of it.

A Co-owner cannot force someone to own a house with them.

From what I've understood from here you can't make him take them.
So don't reply, don't facilitate extra swaps unless the kids or you will benefit.
Would he be annoyed if you acted happy about it 😂
Sorry I don't understand the money section.

You can't win this one. You can't insist he takes the children. That's not the way contact works. The mother is always the one to get their arrangements screwed over. Nothing you can do about it.

I would probably just whisper "wanker" under my breath as you walk away.

So I am with the posters who say don't reply, ignore it, and maybe have a BIG glass of wine while flicking him the finger from behind the curtains.

Write a book called "Emails from a Twat".

Laugh every time a new email comes in & add it to the book, highlighting especially twattish quotes.

Include everyone of his idiotic missives in, print it when the kids are 18 (a vanity print job will do if a publishing house won't take it on).

Mail it to him on the day your youngest is 18 & never speak to him again.

He is out of order! Im in the same place as you, regards the house, and if he passes the line, with the I pay for the house, I remind him its instead of child support, and we wouldn't be in this mess, if he hadn't of been the one to leave his family for another woman. That makes him stop for a while. You have to put it in somewhere, like thank you for your help, even though it was you that left for someone else. Don't let him continue without a few lines off your own thrown in, or he will never stop. Or tell him if he keeps bringing it up, you would rather have a 3rd party included for these arrangements, with the children, so you don't have to have anymore contact with him. Don't let him walk over you, do it in a way that's not nasty, but he gets the message x

Also, pick a song, any song (maybe "You're So Vain by Carly Simon?) and shoehorn a word, line or phrase into every email or text you send to him, in order.

Print these responses with the included song lyrics highlighted in the book (see my previous post).

He will think he has the upper hand for years, then come your youngest 18th birthday he'll realise that you've just been treating his emails as a game & the joke was on him all along.

Play the looooong game & smile as you type, it will take his power away.

Sounds as though he also has some autistic traits.

I wouldn’t send a long response. I liked this with my edits
Very well, I will inform the children that the client takes precedence. They will be disappointed but they do understand your work and partner always comes first over them.
Will he gave them Saturday? Do you want him to? Will he kick off if you do nothing to facilitate Saturday contact or any alternative contact or would you really just rather the break? It sucks, apart from having to deal with his pompous dickhead, single life often sounds not all bad to lots of mums if they get every other weekend completely off- if you actually don’t get a break at all it must be beyond exhausting.
For a longer term plan, what are the downsides of selling the house? Is it also about generous monthly funds he provides? If it’s just the house I would work hard to find an alternative option and take him to a solicitor for variation.

I like thebook/ file of all his emails. Once you are free of him send them to him as a suggested 18th/21st present for your children, suggest he could get it made into a little book with photos and you could provide some photos If he’s never taken any, and he might like to sign it for them- something like happy birthday darling dc, I’ve always at least tolerated you in my life , after work and my partner of course. Your moderately affectionate or at least not totally uncaring dad.’

I can't add much that hasn't been said, I'd consider any response carefully but god I'd be trying to extract myself from his clutches- I'd take a significant reduction in house size if you can to actually be "free". Get back to the solicitor , would a smaller lump sum and your salary allow you to live independently of him?