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Original poster

Help- advice on whether to tell my ex’s new gf

53 replies

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 09:17

Hi
My ex and I were together for 14 years. We split up last July. I ended it as he was horrible to me constantly and I didn’t feel loved. He fondled my friends foot in front of me on a night out (has previously had an affair when I was pregnant with our second child). He became ill the end of 2017 and when he came out of hospital he was argumentative and nasty etc. I had enough and just wanted him to finally realise he loved me. When he first left he would still come over and told me he loved me etc. But he still wasn’t showing it. Then he met someone else and instantly said he doesn’t love me and never has. I was devestated. I didn’t know him and this woman were together to start with (he just said he had been on dates with someone from a dating site).. he slept with me still and was jealous of my every move etc. His behaviour towards me continued but then I found out who this woman was and sent her a message on Facebook if she was seeing my ex as he won’t leave me alone etc. Then he updated Facebook he was in a relationship with her! Anyway.. I feel I’ve been going around in circles for months now. I try and cut contact and he won’t let me and then blames me. He then flirts with me etc so I tell him not to come in the house (which he doesn’t listen to). I have told his new gf several times of his behaviour but they think I’m the crazy ex as he’s told her so many lies.
Anyways.. stupidly he got the kids Saturday and we ended up having sex. He then felt guilty after and told me if I contacted her and told her he’d have me for harassment. I know I shouldn’t have slept with him but I still love him and keep wanting him back to be a family. He said he treated me badly as he didn’t love me and had an affair as he was miserable with me etc but he says he loves this new woman but cheated on her three times now? He can’t see his own behaviour?? I’m his emotional punching bag who gets blamed for everything! Yet he won’t leave me alone and he’s lying and cheating on her but says he loves her and did it to me because he didn’t. It’s so contradictory.
My question is.. should I tell her or just leave it now? We’ve agreed no contact now (we’ve repeatedly said this).. he now wants it as he’s scared of losing her.

OP posts:
TheShiteRunner · 17/02/2019 09:23

In the nicest possible way, you are letting this man treat you like absolute crap, and you're writing about it as if you have no control over it. His other relationships have nothing to do with you, so concentrate on taking control of your own life. Stop obsessing about him, he's an arsehole.

WellThisIsShit · 17/02/2019 09:26

Don’t tell the girl friend, because it’s bad for your mental health.

Stop this obsession with a man who treats you like utter shit, and start trying to work out why you hate yourself so much that you’d let yourself be in this position. You are enabling this man in his antics and allowing him to walk all over you and you treat you like the lowest of the low.

Just... stop! Disengage and start treating your own self with respect, because unto you do, no one else will. You won’t ever get your happy ever after with this awful guy. You need to walk away, get yourself properly healthy and then start being open to having a new relationship with a man who treats you better. That’s the only way you get some happiness. If you carry on the way you’re going, hooked on the drama and the ‘pick me’ dance trying to ‘win’ a sleepy vile man who’s loving all this attention... well, I guarantee you’ll be saying exactly the same thing as on your OP 6 months later. You don’t win in this situation, he wants you both, because it’s fun seeing how desperate two women will get fighting each other for him whilst he just swans around treating you both like shit:..

user1493413286 · 17/02/2019 09:27

I wouldn’t tell her to be honest; it would just create more drama which you’ve had plenty of already.
I would make sure you do cut contact now; take a step back and focus on a life without him and take back control

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2019 09:30

No, don't tell her, it's just going to cause more drama, just try to focus on your own boundaries and accepting it's over, and try to move on,

Bool · 17/02/2019 09:30

@Charlie09 - get some respect for yourself and boot this idiot out for good. Don’t get into a competition with another woman over a completely shit prize. He is LOVING that he has both of you fawning over him. Jesus what you are doing to his precious ego. Turn your back and laugh. Let her have him. He is a piece of shit.

UnperfectLife · 17/02/2019 09:33

You are allowing him to treat you very badly. You are treating yourself very badly. He has nothing to offer you anyway. No don't keep telling the new woman how awful he is and then sleeping with him- you DO look like the crazy ex. Forget about her. Let her find out for herself. Forget about him.

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 09:41

Well - you won't leave him alone either so it's both of you.

What would you even gain from telling his girlfriend anyway? Hes not going to come back and be your perfect man. You accept shit behaviour from him , so he'll just get someone else and keep using you for sex, convenience and an ego boost.

You're wasting your life over a man. Pick up the phone and talk to someone. Do the freedom Programme too.

You're fighting for a non-prize and need to address why.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 17/02/2019 09:47

He 'won't leave you alone' because you are still screwing him. Can you not see how you are playing your part in this?

Hate to say it but it seems that the reason you really want to tell her is because you want her to ditch him so you have him all to yourself. Stop playing games and stop sleeping with him!

pissedonatrain · 17/02/2019 09:55

How old are your DC

Yes, you have to go no contact with him. Set up one of those online parenting apps and only communicate about the children through that.

I understand that you just don't get over 14 years in a few months or even a year but he is being terrible to you and he isn't the same person that you knew.

Singlenotsingle · 17/02/2019 09:57

What would be the point in contacting her? Even if she dumped him, he wouldn't come back to you! You need need to go NC and leave them to their own mess!

toomanyofthemnow · 17/02/2019 09:59

Wow, he's really having his cake and eating it, isn't he?

NameChangeNugget · 17/02/2019 10:01

What are your motives?

He’s really not interested in you.

GreenTulips · 17/02/2019 10:03

Are you pregnant by any chance?

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 17/02/2019 10:07

No don't tell her and leave him alone. He treats you like dirt. From now on I'd be arranging pick up/drop off of kids in a neutral place. He doesn't love you

KeepCalm · 17/02/2019 10:15

Stop. Just stop. You're being treated like a mug.

Make the decision to stop and WALK AWAY

pinkyredrose · 17/02/2019 10:19

He 'fondled' your friends in front of you?! Sounds like sexual assault to me. He's a waste of space alright.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/02/2019 10:25

Don't bother telling her work on yourself can you have a friend or two over when he collects and drops the kids off someone to get in the way of him abusing you an older couple would be ideal as it will stop him accusing you of sleeping with a man or him flirting with a woman

Tennesseewhiskey · 17/02/2019 10:33

OP you need to realise that you are taking active part in this. You chose to sleep with him. Stop doing things that are damaging you. You have the power to not sleep with him. You are keeping yourself I this situation.

She isn't going to listen to you. No matter how many times you sleep with him, she won't believe it.

And you arent helping yourself.

MumsyJ · 17/02/2019 10:39

Crikey woman! Why set your bar so low considering?

Leave them be and please stop this Facebook messaging malarkey to the new gf. I'd find it to be harassment if I were in her shoes.

SandyY2K · 17/02/2019 10:43

You're not taking responsibility here. Don't respond to his flirtation and don't let him in your house.

You keep saying he won't listen, but your boundaries are weak. Your actions are telling him it's okay to push...and he will get what he wants.

I once had an OW tell his wife...she admitted she was too weak to stop the affair, but wanted it over. She told the wife, to keep a watch on her husband and tell him to leave her alone.

You could go that route, but as you have kids together and will have to continue having a relationship of some with him.

Original poster
Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 13:35

The crazy thing is I’ve only told you all a smidge of what he’s like and seem to know exactly what he’s like. He’s done a lot more in the last 14 years and treated me like crap but now says he did that because he never loved me. But he’d do these things and reel me back in. I know it seems so black and white from the outside in but I’ve been told I’ve been emotionally abused for so long that it’s trauma bonding. I am going to seek help as I shouldn’t want to go near him. If I say no contact he constantly calls me. I say don’t come in the house when he gets them and he waltzes in.
I didn’t go out intentionally to sleep with him. He was flirting and tried it on and yes I didn’t say no. Obviously we all know the sad reason why and that’s because for some reason I feel I love him and don’t want to lose him / my family unit. It scares me thinking of being with someone else and I seem to forget all the bad and look back with rose tinted glasses. I hate he seems to have his happily ever after saying he’s found his soul mate and I’m left with all the bills and all responsibilities for the kids and panic attacks at night and anxiety and he seems happy. Feels so unjust and unfair and I guess that’s why I do wish they’d split up. But at the same time I want him to see on his own what I should mean to him and I want him to finally appreciate and love me but I guess I never felt loved for 14 years. He lies and twists so much stuff. He blames everything on me. He says he wants me to move and asks why I haven’t yet? Forgetting he doesn’t leave me alone! I don’t text or call him and when I stop all contact he tries everything to regain it and uses the kids as an excuse. He drunk called me at 10pm the other Saturday after 9 days of no contact and me not picking up his calls. I picked up as it was withheld number and it was him. He tried saying he was calling about the kids.
He’s always asking if I have a date or seeing anyone and asks what I’ve done with other people etc. His gf has been told before what he’s like but she’s just as blind as I’ve vern and believes his lies and thinks I’m the crazy ex.
I just don’t know how to finally break free when we have kids and I still have feelings. I do feel lost without him and totally alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 13:38

Sandyyk I did that before to get him to stop and he did for about a week and then refused to accept my boundaries I had even put in writing to him! His mood changes every day.. one day he’s totally in love with her and the next he’s bugging me like he can’t let me go. I think he had real issues too which is also the problem as I care I feel bad and keep thinking he’ll change and I can help

OP posts:
Tennesseewhiskey · 17/02/2019 13:39

Many of us have been abusive relationships. It's so hard.

But the only person who can break the cycle.....is you. Get the help you need, do whatever it takes. He is awful. Awful.

But all this drama you are involved with is not good for you or your kids. Forget her and do what it takes to break free of him.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 13:40

This reply has been deleted

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NotTheFordType · 17/02/2019 14:19

You are constantly making excuses for yourself about how you can't go no contact, you can't keep him out the house, you can't stop having sex with him.

You can do all of these things, but you are choosing not to. I get why. He's been controlling you for 14 years, so that's your "normal" - that he has all the power and you have none.

But it's not normal, and it's not right.

You don't want him to come into the house? Lock the door. Wait til he knocks then just open the door and send the kids out. If he pushes his way in, call the police. He has a key? Change the locks.

You don't want him phoning you? Block his number. Block withheld numbers (download an app called Blockade which will stop them automatically.) Tell him if he needs to communicate re the kids, he needs to email you. Block him on FB and any other social media.

If you're not having any contact with him then he has no opportunity to try to get back in your knickers.

There's a no contact support thread on the Relationships board somewhere. Join that and reach out for support when you are wavering.

You CAN do this.