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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help- advice on whether to tell my ex’s new gf

53 replies

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 09:17

Hi
My ex and I were together for 14 years. We split up last July. I ended it as he was horrible to me constantly and I didn’t feel loved. He fondled my friends foot in front of me on a night out (has previously had an affair when I was pregnant with our second child). He became ill the end of 2017 and when he came out of hospital he was argumentative and nasty etc. I had enough and just wanted him to finally realise he loved me. When he first left he would still come over and told me he loved me etc. But he still wasn’t showing it. Then he met someone else and instantly said he doesn’t love me and never has. I was devestated. I didn’t know him and this woman were together to start with (he just said he had been on dates with someone from a dating site).. he slept with me still and was jealous of my every move etc. His behaviour towards me continued but then I found out who this woman was and sent her a message on Facebook if she was seeing my ex as he won’t leave me alone etc. Then he updated Facebook he was in a relationship with her! Anyway.. I feel I’ve been going around in circles for months now. I try and cut contact and he won’t let me and then blames me. He then flirts with me etc so I tell him not to come in the house (which he doesn’t listen to). I have told his new gf several times of his behaviour but they think I’m the crazy ex as he’s told her so many lies.
Anyways.. stupidly he got the kids Saturday and we ended up having sex. He then felt guilty after and told me if I contacted her and told her he’d have me for harassment. I know I shouldn’t have slept with him but I still love him and keep wanting him back to be a family. He said he treated me badly as he didn’t love me and had an affair as he was miserable with me etc but he says he loves this new woman but cheated on her three times now? He can’t see his own behaviour?? I’m his emotional punching bag who gets blamed for everything! Yet he won’t leave me alone and he’s lying and cheating on her but says he loves her and did it to me because he didn’t. It’s so contradictory.
My question is.. should I tell her or just leave it now? We’ve agreed no contact now (we’ve repeatedly said this).. he now wants it as he’s scared of losing her.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 14:22

...if you want to (enough), that is

Original poster

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 15:44

Yes I need to and I need to stop the urge to want to tell her. I feel she has the right to know as I’d want to know if my bf cheated on me. He only admitted to the one affair but how easily he cheated on her makes me wonder how many more times he’s done it.
What I hate as well is that when I initially contacted her she sent me a message saying ‘she brings out the best in him’.. he’s told her complete lies and I feel like showing her that she certainly doesn’t as with her he’s neglected his kids and still cheats and lies on her! So she certainly doesn’t bring out the best In him and I hate how smug and condescending she was about that!! So maybe as she annoyed me about that I want to prove to her she’s wrong! Also she listened to him screaming and shouting and abusing me down the phone and she didn’t do anything about it.. hearing a man she had known two months at the time talk to the mother of his kids like he did and she was totally fine with that?? If I had known someone two months and heard that I would have ran a mile!! Also she knows he smashed my car up in a jealous rage after we just split up... again.. she’s totally fine with that?! This woman is a school teacher as well and has two kids of her own?!

I told him not to come in the house Saturday and sit in his van and wait for the kids. He doesn’t listen to a word I say.
He then threatened to report me if I contacted her to tell her about him cheating. I told him if he loved her he would tell her himself.. obviously that’ll never happen as I’m not sure he’s capable of love. He only talks of her £700k house and villa in Spain.

If he doesn’t care or love me like he says why does no contact drive him insane? Why does he call me 4-5 times a day? (His number is blocked and he calls on withheld). I told him he can call the kids before bed and that’s it and he said I can’t stop him calling the kids when he wants to. But his calls are mainly when they’re at school. He twists everything though. I don’t ever call him! When he rarely has the kids I call my son once on his mobile to speak before bed.
I’ve put in writing when he collects the kids but he still calls to ask when he’s has to get them? Despite him knowing??!

It is mental torture for me.. mainly because of him lying about who I am and what I’m like to himself and this new gf. He believes his own lies which is the scary part. I do worry he’ll treat her better or care for her more than me when I tried so hard and put up with so much shit for so long

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 16:02

Nothing will change if you tell her so all the energy you expend on this will be for nothing.

She will see you as a shit stirrer and please face the fact she won't fully believe your story anyway.

Whole situation is pointless.

MumUnderTheMoon · 17/02/2019 16:11

You are letting him use you. What exactly are you going to tell his new woman? " hey, your bf treated me like crap, was hateful and disrespectful, cheated on me but I've been letting him use me for sex behind your back" how do you really think that conversation is going to go?

FastnetLundyRockall · 17/02/2019 16:58

if he doesn’t care or love me like he says why does no contact drive him insane? Why does he call me 4-5 times a day?
This isn't about love or care in the slightest. This is about control and his unwillingness to stop controlling and manipulating you. The only person who can put a stop to this is you by refusing to engage.

Expo · 17/02/2019 17:32

This is absolute CLASSIC textbook dickhead behaviour. He calls you 4-5 times a day because he is empty and it inflated his ego. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with him loving or caring for you. It is all about him filling his boots. Getting sex on tap. Creating drama. Having another woman at his beck and call. Oh the best way to make this guy suffer is to stop the tap. Suddenly and forever. Oh how satisfying to do that. If I could go back 20 years to some situations like this and could play them again I would be laughing my head off and stop the tap. He will hate it. He has no control over you anymore. You will look strong and capable and you will move on quicker. He will be left with his own flawed personality. Forget this new girlfriend. She has nothing to do with anything.

slipperywhensparticus · 17/02/2019 17:32

He is controlling you when you break free he goes nuts

Break free and let him try it on someone else for a change

Be a fool if you must but at least ne your own fool

Expo · 17/02/2019 17:34

No contact drives him insane because he can’t stand not controlling and belittling you anymore. Now make the dickhead suffer. Do what I wish I had done countless times in the past when dickheads showed up.

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 17:34

He doesn't want you but nobody else can have you. This is about control. He wants to be sure you are still just a puppet on a string jumping to his command.

And that's exactly what you will stay while you still care what he thinks of you.

The opposite of love is not hate....it is indifference This is what you must strive for. Until you get there you will have to fake it which will infuriate him and ramp up his efforts to slap you back into the box he thinks you belong in. A slave to him. Don't you think you are better than constantly humiliating yourself for the sake of this prick ?

Expo · 17/02/2019 17:35

@slipperywhenspartacus crossed posts but you are bang on. Please listen OP. We have wasted too much time and tears on men like this. Learn from our mistakes

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/02/2019 17:46

1.Dont let him into your home again wait for him in the doorway with the children. Coats and shoes on ready to go.

2.Dont engage in any conversation unless it's regarding the children

There is no family unit here...There you, your children, and an abuser

Don't tell the current victim you'll just discredit yourself further

NEVER sleep with him again and get yourself std tested ASAP. This person doesn't love you and no amount of sex will change that

His "issue" is that hes an abusive cunt nobody can "fix" that

He keeps contacting you because he wants control and you are giving to him by responding

There is nothing to understand and nothing to ponder this 'man' is garbage plain and simple.

Expo · 17/02/2019 17:56

there is nothing to understand and nothing to ponder

This. Stop wasting your life doing it

Original poster

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 18:32

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond as it does help and is exactly what my friends tell me. I just don’t get why my brain won’t let me just switch off to him and my anxiety gets worse and I get panic attacks about living without him or him marrying this new woman etc. I wish I could see him for who he is instead of missing him. The kids are at their grandparents for the holidays so there’s no reason for him to contact me all week. The last we spoke was when I picked the kids up from him and he asked if I had a date the night before and I said yes and he said ‘good’ (I lied.. just didn’t want to sound pathetic and lonely). He keeps making out it’s sad I’ve not moved on and with someone already.
He told me he loved me all the way up until he met this new person and within 4 weeks they were Facebook official and within 6 weeks professed their love for each other 😕

OP posts:

HazelBite · 17/02/2019 18:35

Op give your head a wobble!
He wants it all and gets off on pulling your strings, please, for your own self esteem make every effort to detach yourself from him.
He has told you he doesn't love you, believe him, he is laughing to himself at the way he can rattle you and the effect he can have on you. Its all sport and a game to him.
Don't allow it to continue. As for his girlfriend, put her from your mind, if she's daft enough to believe his shit then thats her funeral, if you contact her you will just confirm his assertion that you are "the mad ex"
You deserve a calm future and to be able to move on, get a hobby, fill your head with anything other than him!
Good luck

Littlechocola · 17/02/2019 18:39

Your poor children.

Original poster

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 18:52

Littlechocola I should just ignore your comment as there’s always someone who makes an inappropriate comment. But this is all said and done away from the children. My anxiety is something I battle with myself and they have no idea. I work full time whilst getting the kids to school and doing all their clubs etc. I get up for them and drown when they’re not around. So please learn the facts before commenting

OP posts:

slipperywhensparticus · 17/02/2019 19:03

Your children probably know something is off daddy going tits about mom is not something they will miss

Poor kids because there dad is more concerned with dipping it than them poor kids there dad is a self/sex/control freak obsessed person who doesn't deserve kids let alone two women bending over backwards for him

Original poster

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 19:23

I agree with that.. the kids deserve a better dad than him. That’s what upsets me the most. I used to think he was a good dad and better than all this. He told everyone (and himself) he only came back after the affair for the children.. he forgets what truly happened and that he wouldn’t leave me alone and would come round every night the kids were in bed and then finally asked to come home and said he loved me. The woman he had an affair with said she told him it would never work out.. he denies that of course and says he broke her heart and now says he did love her.
I feel like he just constantly hurts me and I want to turn the hurt off. I’m fed up of feeling hurt all the time. Everything he’s ever done and said plays over and over in my mind.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 19:44

A "good dad" does not treat the mother of his children like this

Original poster

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 19:47

Exactly..I agree. This is why this woman isn’t who he makes her out to be either as she’s seen and heard him do all this and stuck by him! Yet he makes out she’s the nicest person in the world. I just want to get me sorted. He’s just tried calling twice already and I’ve not picked up.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 17/02/2019 19:55

He’s just tried calling twice already and I’ve not picked up.

Good! Stick with it.

he asked if I had a date the night before and I said yes and he said ‘good’

You don't need to answer his questions about your life. I'd have probably said "That's none of your business" or for less of a confrontational approach, "Why do you ask?" Then whatever his response, I'd go with "I don't think that's an appropriate question given that we've split up. Did you have something to tell or ask me about the children?"

AnyFucker · 17/02/2019 19:59

It's none of his business what you do with your time

NotTheFordType · 17/02/2019 20:00

You MUST take back your power. You are in control of your life, not him. You don't have to answer his questions, respond to his calls/texts, or do anything except allow him access to the DC. (And that means you get them out the door to him, not that he comes swanning in and makes himself at home.)

You don't have to answer this on thread, but what was your parents relationship like when you were growing up? Did someone teach you that being in a relationship is more important than having self respect and control over your own life?

Please look up the Freedom Programme and try to attend. You said you work full time but if you speak to your manager and explain you really need some help, they will probably understand and arrange to adjust your hours (or let you take holiday hours.) I think it would help you so much to spend time with other women who have experienced abusive relationships and trauma bonding.

NotTheFordType · 17/02/2019 20:06

If you can't attend in person then you can do it online for a tenner, but I think you'd really benefit from attending in person.

I also think you'd really get help from reading Why Does He Do That If you cant afford to buy it please PM me and I will send you a copy.

Original poster

Charlie09 · 17/02/2019 20:10

Thank you x

OP posts:

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