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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband left suddenly

60 replies

LJC1979 · 17/02/2019 03:13

My husband announced out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore a week ago. Since then he has moved out into a flat and we have told all our friends and family that we have split up. It has been a real rollercoaster over the last week - I am really struggling to understand where it went wrong and my husband has agreed to go to counselling. I know that will probably not change his mind but I need more than ‘I just don’t feel the same way about you’ to move on. I just don’t really know what to do for the best though - my emotions are swinging wildly and I go from feeling positive about going to counselling to thinking what is the point within hours. I call him constantly and I can’t figure out how to disconnect. As with a lot of people I’ve neglected friendships over the years so that my husband is the only person now who really knows me :(

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 17/02/2019 03:20

I’m so sorry OP, finding out someone doesn’t love you like you love them is hard. I hope counselling works for you. I would advise you to stop calling him all the time though, if he is feeling like you are being needy then it may push him away further. Give him space and he may realise what he is missing. If not then it’s not meant to be. Unfortunately you can’t make someone want to be with you, but you need to give him space to make this decision himself. In the meantime are there any old friends you can connect with?

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 17/02/2019 03:23

How long have you been together ? Do you have children ? Do you live close to parents and siblings who could help ?

humblebumble · 17/02/2019 03:23

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I suspect he has left for someone else.

I think you are better off thinking of it as a fresh start and not dwelling on him.

Original poster
LJC1979 · 17/02/2019 03:24

I’ve been reconnecting with friends all week - everyone has been amazing but it’s just that I don’t feel like they know me like my husband does. I know I am being a complete nightmare calling him all the time but I don’t think he’ll come back and I’m not doing it to try and make him see what he’s missing. I saw him earlier and he said that despite having moved into a tiny flat this week and all the upheaval, nothing has made him change his mind. I can’t sleep :(

OP posts:
Original poster
LJC1979 · 17/02/2019 03:26

We have been together for 12 years and have 1 child. My parents live with us which I think has been a source of problems. I am making some changes so that they move out. It would be easier if there was someone else because at lease that would be something tangible. Thanks for all the support

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 17/02/2019 03:27

Calling him constantly will unfortunately have the opposite effect. If you want him to miss you and what you had together you need to let him be without it. He may or may not change his mind, it does sound like he’s already moved on. So it’s maybe time for you to accept and move on too, however hard 😢

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 17/02/2019 03:29

From past break ups constant ringing indicates neediness and makes the person more likely to stay away

Original poster
LJC1979 · 17/02/2019 03:31

I know you’re right - I just constantly feel the need to talk it through

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 17/02/2019 03:39

Talk it through on here, pretend we are him and vent away

differentnameforthis · 17/02/2019 03:40

Look for the other woman. He has moved with lightening speed to get a flat so quick, I would put money on there being someone else.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 17/02/2019 03:42

What good would looking for the other women do for her emotional wellbeing?

giantnannyknickers · 17/02/2019 03:45

@Justagirlwholovesaboy agreed! Vent on here. It's so much easier.

You must have got an awful shock, did you see this coming at all?

If your parents live with you; you guys must be pretty close. Can you talk to them?

Pillowaddict · 17/02/2019 03:46

I'm so sorry, what a horrible situation. Agree with pp - and you- don't ring if you can avoid it, he will not change his mind through constant calls. Seems like you're aware your loving situation hasn't suited him/you the best, so it's a good starting point to consider how that's affected things. You can't change his mind, but can give him space and reason to reconsider your relationship. It's most important to keep your child reassured, and not involve them in any negotiation (or emotional blackmail - not saying you would at all!!!) But they're a wonderful reason to remind him why you should work on things and communicate rather than cut things off. Sending you Flowers

Original poster
LJC1979 · 17/02/2019 03:47

I have asked him until I’m blue in the face if there’s someone else and he denies it. I’m trying not to obsess because I don’t want to get bitter - we have our little boy and I don’t want him to suffer. I’m also conscious that despite all of this we had been happy for a very long time - I don’t want to hate him, all I really want now is to understand. I know the marriage is dead because how do you ever realistically get back from this

OP posts:
Original poster
LJC1979 · 17/02/2019 03:52

@giantnannyknickers I didn’t see it coming at all. We were meant to be going away for my 40th a few days after he told me - the previous week we had a party and he was dancing and kissing me. Everyone thought we were the most solid couple they knew. I feel irrationally angry with my parents and they are fuming with him

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 17/02/2019 03:57

Not all relationships end because there is someone else, sometimes it’s just one party wants the grass is greener situation. Maybe he fell out of love, sadly it happens. It’s not your fault, he just wants something different and new right now

It’s not to say he won’t come back, but you need to prepare for it. You can move on from this

Pillowaddict · 17/02/2019 04:02

*living not loving (typo in earlier response). I don't think it's irrational to be angry with your parents actually, you don't know if their living with you had affected things and so rightly or wrongly you may apportion some blame there. No idea whst your situation is and why you're living together, or saying it's the reason/ok for your dh to blame it, but not irrational for you to be looking elsewhere to be cross. It's also natural to be upset at others being furious with loved ones who have left, as it makes it clearer that going back is impossible as more people get angry with them. I am sorry you're going through this and he is not giving you the answers you deserve. It must feel so unfair, and devastating.

Oceanbliss · 17/02/2019 04:05

LJC1979 I'm so sorry this has happened to you. 12 yrs is a long time and I can understand why you feel the way you do when after all this time someone you love and have built a life with can suddenly up and leave and say I don't love you anymore. It's a bit of a painful shock really and you will understandably need time to adjust. It's understandable that you want to talk to him everyday but try not to. Try to distract yourself with things that make you feel better like go for a massage or facial, take a little vacation, watch favorite movies, talk on mumsnet, check out other threads to distract yourself with other people's stories. How old is your child? How are they coping with their dad leaving? Focus on helping your dc and getting through this together. Maybe a little vacation for you and dc will be exactly what you need (if you can that is, otherwise organise some day trips or weekend away). Try to change your scenery a bit. Your home you have shared with your husband will be a constant reminder of him. So either get out and about or do some redecorating. Flowers

MerryBerryCheesecake · 17/02/2019 04:05

My DH was smooching all over me, holding my coat and bag at a music concert to be nice because he lurved me soooo much, bought me lovey dovey cards for Valentines and wedding anniversary.

The week after, he revealed he has found someone else and had been seeing her since before the Christmas. Told to me with a large degree of sneering self satisfied malice along with the immortal line "don't know me as well as you thought you fucking did, do you?". He was so pleased with himself for getting one over on me.

My point, nothing they do means anything. Some men pull on their mask of bullshit easier than they pull on their pants.

Look after yourself and bide your time. It will all be out in the open soon enough, whatever his true motivation.

MerryBerryCheesecake · 17/02/2019 04:06

Sorry, typo, had not has. It was years ago.

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 04:07

LJC1979 go to the counselling with an open mind but resigned to it being over. VERY HARD but try.

Can you put into works what the parents living with you is all about. Do they need you to care for them or did it just come about as convenient for you/them etc? Were there any indications this was not working for him?

I can totally understand why your parents are angry, I would be if someone did this to my child, but you need to continue a 'working' arrangement with your husband in relation to your child.

I do wonder if there is someone else but I would not ask him since, if there is, he is not going to tell you.He may find the grass is not greener at all, but that may take time.

Could there be any other reason, like a breakdown?

Other do not know you because you have excluded them or they have excluded you, but you are reaching out to people and they are responding. You may not believe this but you are still young. You may meet someone else and perhaps even have another child. Your future could pan out completely differently. But you do need to grieve for this relationship.

You may even decide to have some counselling just for you and move forward that way.

Good luck. Keep talking.

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 04:11

Put into words.

Original poster
LJC1979 · 17/02/2019 04:12

Thanks everyone. My parents moved in because they couldn’t support themselves financially - although it was my husband’s idea and they have helped us immeasurably with childcare, it has not been without it’s difficulties and even before this I had said that in hindsight I wish we hadn’t done it. I have asked them to move out and they understand that I need to create a different sort of life now

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 04:13

MerryBerryCheesecake "Told to me with a large degree of sneering self satisfied malice along with the immortal line "don't know me as well as you thought you fucking did, do you?"

Oh my goodness how vile. He left you for a woman who was happy enough to go off with a married man. My guess is that sometime in the future he may do that again to her or she may do that to him! A friend of mine met his wife under similar circumstances (both left partners to be together) and surprise surprise he has not proved to be very faithful to her either!

Hope things have been better for you. Thanks

OP big hugs, and take care. Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 17/02/2019 04:17

LJC1979 I really wonder if your husband is having some sort of mid life crisis! I watched the old movie 'French Kiss' a few days ago and the guy in it goes off with another woman because he sees his life flashing before his eyes. Long story short, she gets him back but decided she doesn't want him. I know it is only a movie, I know life is not always like that. But my thoughts are that sometimes people spook easy.

Please do make sure he keep up contact with his son, unless it is not safe for him to do so.

It's very sad and I do wish you all the best.