My husband left suddenly

[LJC1979]

My husband announced out of the blue that he didn’t love me anymore a week ago. Since then he has moved out into a flat and we have told all our friends and family that we have split up. It has been a real rollercoaster over the last week - I am really struggling to understand where it went wrong and my husband has agreed to go to counselling. I know that will probably not change his mind but I need more than ‘I just don’t feel the same way about you’ to move on. I just don’t really know what to do for the best though - my emotions are swinging wildly and I go from feeling positive about going to counselling to thinking what is the point within hours. I call him constantly and I can’t figure out how to disconnect. As with a lot of people I’ve neglected friendships over the years so that my husband is the only person now who really knows me :(

Op please don’t blame your parents and ruin your relationship with them, this isn’t about them. If he’d felt your relationship was strong enough and meant enough it wouldn’t have mattered. Do not lose the relationship with them too, you will need them

Justagirlwholovesaboy very good point. And he suggested their coming to live with you. And if he wasn't happy, he could have said. Instead of leaving.

LJC1979 "I know I am being a complete nightmare calling him all the time..."

Actually, I think he is the complete nightmare for what he has done to you.

But I hope you will stop calling him. Please take it a day at a time.

XX Night night.

Not all relationships end because there is someone else, sometimes it’s just one party wants the grass is greener situation

More often than not, men don't leave without lining someone else up. So he may tell himself he's being completely honest in saying there is no one else but there will be. In some form or another.

I echo everyone else. Stop ringing him. You will only be confirming to him that he's done the right thing.
I'm sorry this happened and I wish you all the best in finding that strength that I know is there

ur parent swill be angry.they will want to save you from this pain.

I think hes been a bit of dick not your guys.ok so this shit happens sadly.but just like this seems fairly brutal to you all when you have so much together.
focus on your dc and yourself.heal and work on this together.do lots of bonding and slobbing about just being calm and rational as you can.

also talk to you parents.let someone in and to hold you.

couciling might not cure all but might it at least help you come to terms with the ending.

I know it is blig to say but people do get through this and you can and will too.the pain is real and raw and add to that shocking right now.it will ease.you will find you footing again.

ringing is doubling your pain.becasue he wont give any more answers.
say goodbye to what you had.make yourself then in control of what comes next.

8What good would looking for the other women do for her emotional wellbeing?* Will hopefully stop her doing the pick me dance that she is currently engaged in, and more importantly will give her peace of mind.

FWIW I think living with your parents has been a big contribution to the situation.
How can he 'master' in his own home ?
It'd drive me mad.
Get them out.
Get the counselling.
See how the land lies.

Focus on your child
Focus on you.
Read
Exercise.
(Let him ring you )
Self improve . Self improve !

You are a strong woman.
You can do this.

Also if an ow does come out the woodwork realise that's it's just a distraction/ grass is greener.

Stay calm.
Stay focused!

Big hugs OP . Please attend the counselling, it could be an aid to moving on. X

How awful and shocking for you. Very scary to realise your nearest and dearest have been making life changing plans without you. Lean on those around you, protect your child and go for the counselling. Don't phone him anymore, it won't have a positive outcome. Wishing you all the best for the future

I was going to say if my PIL had moved in then I think I would have left. However, you say it was his idea? Has he given any real indication as to what he sees went wrong? I personally think that having parents living with you is tough and can take away a lot from a relationship especially intimacy and ability to talk but it may be your saviour now

Best of luck

Sorry but it does sound like he has another woman. If it was something like the parent situation he'd have just talked to you about it and asked them to move.

Speaking from experience, when someone suddenly announces that they are going, then leaves to live in a tiny flat, etc, it's because they have someone else waiting in the wings, and they've b en planning the move for ages . The fact that he won't talk about it, is another hint that he doesn't want to discus the other woman in the picture. If it was something like " I don't love you any more / I'm not happy living with your parents" , he'd just say it.

If he isn't coming back, why not let your parent's stay ? They might be the best thing now, specially if you need child care.

It’s sbsolutely not your parents fault

Personally I would keep them at yours as you’ll need the help now

He definitely has someone else - he’ll never admit it though. Just assume he has.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Try and focus on yourself and your child.

I wonder how many posters on here would cope with their in laws living with them permanently? Living in a household which is mainly composed of your partner's family would destroy a lot of relationships. My friend's parents lived with them and her husband shouldered equal responsibility for them including being the one who had to financially support everyone. He then died from cancer at a comparatively young age and one of the last things he said to her was that they could have been happy without her parents constant presence. She had no idea how much he had resented them. After he died she helped them find somewhere else to live and was full of regret that she had put up with them for so long at the expense of her husband.
You probably love your parents, your husband loves you and suggested they live with you to make you happy. He might then have been overwhelmed by feeling that he had to share his house, wife and child with his in laws.
He has told you why he has left. Do encourage your parents to move out and then see what happens. I am sure he still loves you.

Follow these guidelines to help you heal.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

1. Do not point out good points in marriage.

1. Do not follow him/her around the house.

1. Do not encourage talk about the future.

1. Seek support from family members.

1. Do not ask for reassurances.

1. Do not say “I Love You”.

1. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

10. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

11. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go out with friends, etc.

12. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

13. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back

14. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment.

15. Never lose your cool.

16. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

17. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

18. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

19. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

20. Be strong and confident.

21. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever

22. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

23. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

I think there's an OW in this situation.
I'm really sorry for you OP

Thanks everyone. I’ll try and access some inner strength today! No calls!

Just wanted to send you my support.
I was in a similar situation a few years ago when my dh left after 14 years together-like you I had no clue there had been any problem in the marriage, he had simply said he didn’t love me any more, swore blind there was no one else,refused marriage counselling etc.within a month of him leaving there was an OW-I will never know for sure but I’m sure there was an overlap...within a couple of years he was married and having more children with her. I’ll never understand or know the truth of it all. Best thing you can do is not pander to him,would you really want to be with someone who can just walk out on his family with no proper explanation?he is no longer the man you married and you wouldn’t want him anyway. Prefer yourself for the worst so that if/when it happens it won’t come as quite as much of a shock.
Sending hugs - I know it sucks x

Prepare

mrsmuddlepies My goodness me what a horrible thing to do on your deathbed, impart to your spouse that you were unhappy but unwilling to say anything until it was too late!

If that news came to her at that stage it would be devastating. And would make me feel my spouse did an unbelievablely cruel thing in saying it. I

hope she is OK.

@CocoKoko123 Thanks for sharing your story with me. Can I ask how long it took you to start feeling human again? I can’t eat or sleep at the moment

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, my STBX did the same to me in July.. much like you he had been loving and affectionate up until the moment he announced he no longer loved me.. he had even messaged me that morning saying “I love you so much my perfect wifey”... 12 hours later he had got in bed with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore.

If there’s any advice I can give it’s that you need to think about yourself, I spent months worrying about him and thinking he was having some kind of breakdown.. 7 months later and he has a new girlfriend who he is now renting a flat with .. I still find it hard to believe that he could do this to me.

You said Everyone thought we were the most solid couple they knew - Yup same with us, nobody could understand it.

You must think about yourself and do all you can to heal, seek counselling and reconnect with friends and lean on them and family for support.

7 months later and I don’t cry everyday, it still hurts and I don’t think I’ll ever properly get over it but I no longer lust for him to come back, try and limit contact as much as you can.. up until a few weeks ago my STBX would call me every few weeks in tears and then I found out he has introduced his new girlfriend to the family a day before calling me in tears.

Sadly the person you/I knew and loved no longer lives within inside them and there really is nothing you could have said or done to change this so please don’t blame yourself x

Please try to focus on you and your needs.
Be the best version of yourself, for yourself.

He is no longer the person you loved. That person has gone xxx 💐

Sometimes it’s nigh on impossible to get closure because there isn’t one defining reason, someone just doesn’t ‘feel’ the same about things. We tell women on here you can leave just because you aren’t happy, surely the same applies to men too however awful it feels . There isn’t always an OW at the time, I know that from several men I know who have split with partners, however I do think men often look to fill that ‘wife’ shaped empty space quite quickly when there isn’t.

Italiangreyhound,
I think she knew he was unhappy with the situation and she felt her parents had abused her and her husband's good will for a long time.
They moved out after her husband's death and she was able to enjoy the freedom of not having to be at the beck and call of her parents night and day. It put a lot of things in perspective for her. She did a degree and went on holiday with the Ramblers Association. I think she probably lived in FOG with her parents and accepted their traditional idea that they would live with their only daughter's family. She is determined not to impose the same expectations of care on her daughter.

mrsmuddlepies maybe in a way be did gee a favour by twlling hee? It seemed very cruel when I read it but may be it was the last thing he could do for her?

OP please do look after yourself, ear well, get ready for each day with a sense of yoir own self worth. He has hurt you so much. Do not hurt yourself further by risking your health. You are valuable and important.

Missbee90 wise words. I hope the sounds will heal. He sounds like either s very cold man or a very mixed up one, or both! Bit he put you through so much.