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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is not ok, is it?

68 replies

Sharpandshineyteeth · 16/02/2019 20:48

For the past two years, every argument that me and DP have, he ends up walking out and going off, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for the night.

I have explained to him loads of times that it’s a massive trigger for me, him walking out and leaving me alone at home with the kids.

I was fairly ill last year and he did it loads of times making me feel utterly helpless and alone.

He said he needs time alone to calm down. I say, that’s fine but don’t walk out and leave me. Go to another room.

I feel full on abandoned every time he does it. It feels nasty.

OP posts:
lifegoes · 16/02/2019 20:49

Where does he go?

GrannyHaddock · 16/02/2019 20:51

Can't you lock him out?

CheeseWheel · 16/02/2019 20:52

It is nasty. It's abusive imo. He's basically saying if you don't agree with me I will abandon you. There is a big difference between going to another room or having a walk round the block to calm down and just vanishing for hours on end, especially overnight. It's not normal and not acceptable.

FlopsyMopsyRabbit · 16/02/2019 20:54

Extremely nasty. Are they his kids? It's not fair to leave you to look after your kids because he's in a strop.

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 16/02/2019 21:03

We have a young DC together. I have older children.

He goes to work, which I do believe. Before he has gone to the pub, his mums house, anywhere but here.

I thought people would say I need to let him cool off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 16/02/2019 21:04

I had to have counselling about this last year as I felt so let down and left in the shit. I thought things had got better but is happening again and I can see how much I hate to bite my tongue to stop him going.

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 16/02/2019 21:07

Totally not ok. Not least because it makes.it clear that he sees the home/the dc as your problem. It's not like you can walk away?

I don't think it is about you "feeling" abandoned. You ARE being abandoned and controlled. You have no choices when he leaves and now are trying yo manage your own behaviour to prevent him doing this?! That's controlling and abusive.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 16/02/2019 21:11

If he needs space its likely another room won't cut it. If I ever need to be alone I really need to be away from whatever.

There is nothing wrong with going for a walk or something. Everyone has their own coping mechanisms. BUT if it's ridiculous periods of time for the reason, is done to control or there is never any conversation about the issues then its not on

YellowBlankets · 16/02/2019 21:15

He needs to take responsibility for his own anger management and find strategies to not do this

Helmlover1 · 16/02/2019 21:37

Next time you walk out and stay out for a few hours/the night-see how he likes it.

Marel87 · 16/02/2019 21:50

Is it because if he went to the room you would follow him and the argument would continue?

In some ways I think that this is ok. It is his way to diffuse the situation.

But going for hours and overnight is definitely not ok.

Tell him he can't leave for more than an hour as you need help.

I agree with the other posters suggestion of you leaving first. Maybe tell him that you will be the one to leave next time. For no more than an hour as well.

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 16/02/2019 23:58

I’ve tried that before, he just gets his keys first and goes. It’s hard to anticipate when we are going to have an argument to do it.

I could have gone out tonight and left the toddler with 15yo DC, but I wasn’t really in a state to go anywhere.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/02/2019 00:59

There are times during the heat of an argument that either DH or I will leave to let things cool down. Most counselors will tell you this is the right thing to do.

But there's a big difference between saying "Things are getting heated. I'm going to go for a drive/walk. I'll be back when I've cooled off" and someone grabbing their keys and stalking out without a by-your-leave.

Which is he doing?

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 17/02/2019 03:45

He’s going off for the night. He’s ignored all of my calls and said he’s at a friends he will be back in the morning.

This is horrible

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 17/02/2019 03:51

This isn’t the way a relationship should be , you know this. You deserve more

Pillowaddict · 17/02/2019 03:54

This is not ok - you know this, and it's important you let him know you will not stand for it. I would be tempted to say tomorrow on his return that if he wants to leave he does so, and stops dangling the threat on a string and leaving you at home, anxious and waiting for his return. He is being selfish, and entirely unfair to you. Even if he does nèed time to cool.off - he needs to find a strategy that works for him in the house (headphones in, separate room etc) not storming off like a teenager running away. You are left with the dc while he indulges his tantrums! Not okay at all, and not fair. Maybe suggest counselling to improve your communication with each other?

Poppylizzyrose · 17/02/2019 04:00

This must be horrible, him off venting about your relationship. Flowers

Instead of waiting for an argument, another time and when safe to do so (prepped close friend to babysit on standby) storm out yourself. You have enough reason to do this. Let us know how it goes xx

Poppylizzyrose · 17/02/2019 04:01

I do think he needs to be in your shoes, walk a night in them so to speak. Flowers

Original poster
Sharpandshineyteeth · 17/02/2019 05:03

Thank you. I’m going to be utterly exhausted in the morning. As will he I imagine. How is that a better time to talk

OP posts:
Poppylizzyrose · 17/02/2019 05:10

It isn’t a better time to talk, but as he storms off whenever going gets tough nothing gets resolved.

blackcat86 · 17/02/2019 05:19

You need to highlight this dynamic to him as its unfair and unhealthy. DH left once for an hour when we'd had a blazing row and I pointed out that was a luxury because he could just his stuff and go without a second thought to the care of DD (6 months) but I couldn't just swan off like that. Be direct in what you want, be clear how you feel right now even if its unpalatable and if he doesn't change or start supporting you properly then you know where you stand and can start getting your ducks in a row.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/02/2019 05:23

If you acted completely unfazed by him storming off he may stop as he is not getting the desired reaction. He is doing it to make you anxious and keep you on your toes. If you could say" whatever" , go on with your own life it would take that power away from him. When he arrives back, be in a happy place watching your favourite series, feet up acting like you never even noticed he went. Thats difficult to do but takes some power back for you.
Or you could say if he stays out overnight with no contact again not to bother coming back.
He is trying to control you by putting you in your place . Its not sustainable long term so either your reaction to it changes or turf him out as he is not a good partner.

Monty27 · 17/02/2019 05:25

Dump him. At least you know where you are then

MumsyJ · 17/02/2019 05:45

@GrannyHaddock exactly!

I'd be locking him out since he finds peace overnight elsewhere 🙄. If his method of "cooling off" works, then the arguments shouldn't be recurring often. How selfish!

I totally would have understood if it were maybe an hour or so, then he gets back to address the issue rather than disappearing, doing heaven knows what overnight expecting you to be putting up with it?

Yippeee · 17/02/2019 05:50

What types of things are you arguing about?