This is not ok, is it?

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

For the past two years, every argument that me and DP have, he ends up walking out and going off, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for the night.

I have explained to him loads of times that it’s a massive trigger for me, him walking out and leaving me alone at home with the kids.

I was fairly ill last year and he did it loads of times making me feel utterly helpless and alone.

He said he needs time alone to calm down. I say, that’s fine but don’t walk out and leave me. Go to another room.

I feel full on abandoned every time he does it. It feels nasty.

He's probably doing it on purpose so he can clear off and see his OW. Very common tactic... get rid

Maybe Bobbycat121, it would have been last year. I really thought we were past it.

I meant minor arguments every month not him leaving. That’s what I don’t get, they are not big blazing rows. It’s a disagreement or me telling him how I feel. He can’t take any sort of conflict.

He’s back now and he’s saying it’s my fault. If I would have not text or tried to ring he would have came back. Which is cruel really because he wouldn’t have. And I left him alone between 9pm and 3am and she still didn’t come back, tell me where he was or answer the phone.

Cherrybakewells, I almost wish it was OW rather than him completely and utterly not giving a shit about me and preparing to sleep his workshop than come home.

I am setting boundaries though. I said if he walks out again and stays out all night then he will never be allowed back in the house.

Ok I just remember reading this before

Op i sympathise with your situation. My exh often did this. He couldn't handle any sort of minor disagreement/conflict etc and would go out of the house for hours on end leaving me to deal with the children. It is all about power and control and keeping you in an anxious state. I hated him doing this and it was one of the (many) reasons why I divorced him.

You've already learnt to be careful what words you use, how you express yourself. What you have to learn now is not toepress yourself at all, ever. Then heon't walk out on you.

Is that how you want to live?

I said if he walks out again and stays out all night then he will never be allowed back in the house

That's all well and good if you are determined to stick by your ultimatum. But if he does stomp out again and you let him back in, you have blunted your weapons and he'll know he is free to walk all over you with impunity.

NEVER make an ultimatum you are not planning on keeping. Because I can guaran-damn-tee you that he WILL walk out again. He has no respect for you and he doesn't believe for one instant that you mean what you say.

Next time and there will be a next time ,do just that ... don't ring ,don't text..fuck him. I know the need to do so will be great and you will need the reassurance but he gets off on that and then throws it back in your face. Do you have any support whom you could talk to or text when it will happen instead? Or maybe just post on here. I bet 1.he'll still be gone ages and 2.he'll be pissed off you didn't contact him.

So he's not even sorry and he's blaming you?

This is bigger than the walking out op.

It's much better to spilt and co-parent than raise children in a toxic environment. I hope you had a nice day with your best friend.

Thing is - if staying was a massive issue for HIM what would you do, OP?

You are saying that your need trumps his need. You are telling him that he can't go which is a bit controlling isn't it? He isn't your doctor, he is your partner.

You need him there and he needs to go. That is where you start from, when you talk about it together. You need to discuss this and come up with a plan that suits both of you, where both of you consider what the other needs and then compromise.

@Haffiana I absolutely don’t mind him going out for a few hours to cool off. What I object to is him staying out for 15 hours not answering my calls or letting me know where he was or when he would be back.

@Oliviabenson I did have a nice morning, albeit with a knot in my stomach. I am realising this is bigger than him walked out. He sat and watched me sob and sob without so much as blinking. I need out. I just know how difficult it will being sharing our DD and the initial breakup. Wish I could fast forward a year.

So much has gone in last year that I don’t feel physically or mentally strong enough to do it yet. Might be out of my hands though

Now you've made that ultimatum, I hope you're prepared to follow through on it.

I’m sorry op but he really does sound so so horrible. I’m sure you have had some good times but I will take a guess and say I bet there are more bad times than good. How can someone claim to love you abaondon his family over a simple disagreement or his partner telling him her feelings? He sounds extremely selfish and self centred.
I really hope you follow through with your ultimatum and do not feel scared to say what you feel if he starts acting like a twat again out of fear he will leave. If he leaves he’s showing you the real him. Show him how strong you are and that you KNOW you deserve ten times better than him, because you do! There’s someone out there who would be upset at the thought of hurting you not revel in it, find that person.

Op, you are treated as you allow yourself to be treated. If you let him treat you like crap, he will continue to do so. And he is doing it knowing how distressed it makes you feel. Stand up to his bullying and tell him every time he does this it’s destroying a bit more of your relationship. Tell him if it happens again, it’s the end, because you refuse to tolerate his behaviour anymore.

Try and suss out if it's to do with control or to do with poor coping mechanisms. I'm ashamed to say that I bolt when there's major issues that I struggle to face and lost a good man because of it. For me it is about not coping, not because I want control or to leave my partner anxious.
Needless to say, I'm getting therapy for it. Understanding reasons for doing so and gaining coping mechanisms should hopefully help.

I find it interesting he did this overnight walk out when he knew you had a nice breakfast with your friend planned. Sounds deliberate abuse to me.