This is not ok, is it?

[Sharpandshineyteeth]

For the past two years, every argument that me and DP have, he ends up walking out and going off, sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for the night.

I have explained to him loads of times that it’s a massive trigger for me, him walking out and leaving me alone at home with the kids.

I was fairly ill last year and he did it loads of times making me feel utterly helpless and alone.

He said he needs time alone to calm down. I say, that’s fine but don’t walk out and leave me. Go to another room.

I feel full on abandoned every time he does it. It feels nasty.

We were arguing about my Sons behaviour tonight. I told him I felt completely unsupported and critiqued by!him and that I felt like he’d been shit about the whole thing.

What did the Counsellor say?

This is wrong in many levels but you've had good advice.

How often do you argue? It sounds like you do a lot. What are the arguments around?

Even if you could solve the walking out, it still wouldn't be ok to argue so much to be honest.

I think you need to have a think about this relationship as a whole.

And I'd personally be telling him not to bother coming back. Do you act all relieved and grateful when he's back at all?

The counsellor correctly identified that I feel abandoned and that it’s a trigger for me. She suggested couples counselling but things improved for us.

We don’t argue all the time. Once a month maybe. This year has been better than last.

It’s nearly time for the 3 yo to wake up. I haven’t slept. I’m shakey and my heart is pounding.

Is he instigating arguments in order to have a night away?

How much difference does it make, him being out all night? I mean do your children wake in the night?

The thing here is - he needs to escape to calm down and process and you feel abandoned when he escapes

So - a compromise needs to be reached

I don't think it's wrong that he leaves the house after a row. I think he needs to limit the 'leave time' so that it's a period of time which doesn't trigger your feelings of abandonment so greatly.

And imo you need to allow him that period of time (whatever period of time is agreed) without getting anxious or annoyed

It seems you're arguing a lot and while his behaviour is unacceptable, you both need better ways of dealing with disagreements.

Perhaps seek professional guidance (marriage counselling) on how to deal with these issues and how to communicate better.

It depends on what his intentions are when he leaves. If he is doing it to purposefully upset you then that is not ok. If he leaves to get some head space and calm down and allow you to calm down then thats ok.
I usually take flight if theres an argument, they scare me and I react badly. Get some counselling and find out why it is happening.

But all night? When someone is begging that you come home and you know it’s a massive trigger for you?

Is there anywhere you can go with the kids? I would even be tempted to check into a hotel if you can afford it so you have a night away from your own surroundings and you're not there when he's back in the morning. It's totally out of order and borderline abusive to keep doing this to you when you've expressed how anxious and upset it makes you feel. Plus he's leaving you with his kids, maybe you should walk out next time and see how he likes that.

@Sharpandshineyteeth it's not acceptable at all. Going for some fresh air ok. But not going out all night.

Does it ever feel like he causes the arguments on purpose?

OH left once after a blazing row. Just like you it caused a massive reaction in me and I could barely handle all those feelings of rejection and abandonment. I explained to him the next day how it made me feel and why, I didn't have to ask him not to do it again, he just didn't. We found other ways to cope with arguments and give each other space.

"If you walk out again, don't bloody come back!"

It is abusive to leave for long periods and overnight especially. These sulking people rarely change and they get off from how their behaviour harms others - ‘look what you made me do’ - while you could adapt by learning to accept it, not responding, trying not to trigger it, at the end of the day it will always potentially happen and who wants a relationship like that? I would tell him to either grow up and stop doing it or to get out forever

I’d tell him not to come back. How dare he, these aren’t the actions of someone who loves you.

No I don’t feel like he causes arguments but I do feel like I have to carefully word what I say in any conflict over wise he’ll take off

@bumblebee27 when it got bad last year, I think one of the things which made my mental health spiral was thinking constantly of what to do next, how to make him understand. I’d come up with crazier and crazier ideas, it wasn’t good for me.

I’ve dropped the toddler off at his mums and told her what’s going on. I had plans to go to breakfast for my best friends birthday and I’m not letting her down.

His one day off in the week and he’s not spending it with his daughter, he’s off sleeping off a hang over

This really isn't okay OP.

And I bet every time he expects you to message/call/beg him.

What's it like when he returns? Is the disagreement just brushed under the carpet for fear of him leaving again?

@Thankyounext19 I think that’s what he secretly wants. A life away from these responsibilities... what a bastard.

I’ve been clinging on for years because I’m desperate not to raise my toddler on my own and I don’t want to have her split her time between us like my elder children.

He hasn’t done it since last year but we broke up a few times over it. Then it all seemed to calm down.

The relationship is toxic if this is happening every month and I think you need to think about ending it. Have you asked why he feels the need to leave. My ex had abandoment issues but would cause arguments and would do or say anything to stop me leaving which was abusive. Think suicide threats, locking me in, begging me not to go. I had to leave for fear of what would happen if I stayed and I would text and say I would discuss it the next morning in a safe environment. You need to get to the bottom of why he leaves but to be honest I think you should accept your relationship needs to end. Without knowing your behaviour no one can advise on if he is doing to be abusive or self protect.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

This is probably learnt behaviour from this man; he has seen others do this to great effect. Its about power and control. What do you know about his relationship history and family background here. Both will provide clues.

Do not cling on for any more years; your children will not thank you for showing them such a model of a relationship (for them to potentially repeat themselves). What are you both teaching them about relationships here?. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied.

Would you both be open to marriage counselling?

I do feel like I have to carefully word what I say in any conflict over wise he’ll take off

That's no way to live.

have you posted this before?