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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Feel like partner is disrespecting me with friend.

68 replies

Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 12:03

Me and OH have been together 3years and I’m a bit down in the dumps today because I feel like OH is not respecting me and neither is his friend.
OH has a friend who just doesn’t make an effort and I think she would try and find fault in me if I was a saint, but OH never sticks up for me...
Firstly the first time we met she was very handy with my OH just touching him for no reason whatsoever and I felt very uncomfortable so afterwards I told OH I wasn’t too happy about how she was and he said he would talk to her. I don’t know for sure but I’m pretty sure he didn’t.
Secondly they were just chatting via text and because of the age gap she called me his “jailbait bride” (10 year age gap) I was furious about this and told him I was really annoyed and he said he would speak to her...he never did.
She refuses to call me by my real name when I rarely see her as “my name doesn’t suit me and I look much like another name”
Finally although we have never been friends on social media my OH told me to check out her business page...turns out she has blocked me on both her business and personal.
OH is seeing her tonight so I’ve told him to ask her outright why she doesn’t like me. I don’t mind not being liked but I’d rather know so I’m not making an effort for something that’ll be nothing.
OH brushed it off and said she thinks we are good together but all the signs don’t point to her thinking that.
Have any of you had problems with an OH friends being down right rude and what did you do?

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 16/02/2019 12:06

'Secondly they were just chatting via text and because of the age gap she called me his “jailbait bride” '

That would be enough for me to tell him to do one.

He and the 'real woman' in his life mock you.

He's probably slept with her at some point.

Don't be disrespected in this way.

Honeyroar · 16/02/2019 12:08

It’s him that’s the problem. He’s not speaking about you respectfully to her so she’s following his lead. She’s been incredibly rude (particularly not calling you by your name - wtf!!). I’d be gone at this point. He’s quite happy for you to be constantly upset about things, he holds her as an important friend, even when you’re disrespected, it’s been three years and hasn’t changed. You deserve better. What’s the point!

everydaymum · 16/02/2019 12:12

She's not the problem, your OH is. I can't believe he lets her call you by another name and block you on social media. He needs to choose, you or her, although if it was me I wouldn't give him the option, I'd LTB.

Kittykat93 · 16/02/2019 12:18

She sounds unhinged. He should be sticking up for you

MashedSpud · 16/02/2019 12:19

The touchy feely, the rudeness, the dislike and jealousy. She’s either slept with him or wants to or wants to ruin your relationship so she can have her friend all to herself.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2019 12:21

You have an OH problem

NorthEndGal · 16/02/2019 12:25

I am touchy feely with everyone, doesn't mean I am at all attracted to them, I am just a tactile person
She may be the same.
The issue you have is that your DH isn't being clear about treating you with respect, so she is following suit.
I'd be mad at him, not her.
She has no obligation to like you, he has one to respect you tho

OnoAnotherNC · 16/02/2019 12:25

Have you posted about this before OP? I'm sure I read previously about a female friend who refused to use OP's name as another "suited her better" (which is outrageous by the way).

Either way both are behaving terribly and you should leave them to it.

Yippeee · 16/02/2019 12:27

Why is he seeing her tonight and why aren’t you going?

AnyFucker · 16/02/2019 12:27

Is this a saturday date night for those two ?

Rosie40 · 16/02/2019 12:28

I’d be going out with him and asking her yourself what her problem is!

category12 · 16/02/2019 12:31

Your oh is your problem. Any decent partner wouldn't accept someone calling you a different name or mocking you. That he thinks you should suck it up means he disregards you in the same way. I'd fuck him off.

SparklyMagpie · 16/02/2019 12:40

Fuck that, he'd be out

Original poster

Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 13:03

I do feel disrespected and for the first time in our relationship I’m at breaking point. They are going for a drink tonight and I trust in him that nothing is going on like that between them, I don’t go along because I just end up feeling like a third wheel sinking drinks.
I’m more annoyed that he hasn’t stuck up for me in the slightest, I’m terrified of rocking the boat between them as I really hate confrontation and I just really don’t get what I’ve done wrong for her to be this way, I’ve only ever been friendly towards her.
Maybe my own problem but I’m the sort of person who hates to be hated

OP posts:

Zoflorabore · 16/02/2019 13:08

You're being way too soft with him. Terrified of rocking the boat? Why?

It seems to me like you're sort of grateful to have him and don't want to upset him. Get some self respect! I wouldn't put up with a minute or that behaviour.
Sadly, your partner and his friend both know that you do put up with it and that is why they both continue to disrespect you.

Original poster

Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 13:27

I don’t want to rock the boat purely because I know they’ve been friends for years and in some ways I don’t want to kill the friendship they have but at the same time it’s not fair to myself.
I do feel lucky because before I met OH I was in a bad place and if things go wrong I’m not quite sure what I would do without OH, which I know sounds dependant but I would have to build my life over again. I always seen him as who I would be with for the rest of my life and to be honest have nothing outside of us.

OP posts:

DBML · 16/02/2019 14:16

Sounds like she doesn’t like you because you are simply with him.

I think males and females can of course be friends...but this doesn’t sound like a normal friendship to me.

I think you’ve let him carry on for fear of rocking the boat and he’s allowing her to say this stuff about you. Disgusting.

Imagine them sat cosy tonight chatting, her calling you his jailbait and implying you look like you should have a different name (I’d guess she thinks you should have a less glamorous/interesting name?) Belittling you and putting the thought in his head that you’re not the women for him.

Then invite yourself along and ask her yourself. That’s what I would do. If he doesn’t stick up for you, do it yourself and leave him to this spiteful woman.

MsDogLady · 16/02/2019 15:39

She is marking her territory by putting you in your place. By allowing it, he is giving her permission. He prioritizes her.

You don’t want to rock their boat, but he is happy to collude with her to put you down.

You are underreacting. Get angry and stop tolerating his outrageous behavior.

You can build a good life without this disloyal man who is showing you that another woman is more important to him.

SanityisfoundinNature · 16/02/2019 15:45

Get some god damn self respect.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2019 15:50

Saturday date night for them while Cinders stays at home wringing her hands.

What on earth happened to you that this is what you are reduced to ?

Honeyroar · 16/02/2019 16:10

You really do need to build a life for yourself outside of "us". Try and find some hobbies and friends. It's really not a good way to live if you're totally dependent on someone else. It just sets you up to put up with unacceptable situations like this one. You're just hiding your problems and insecurity behind the relationship - and he knows it and that you probably won't leave no matter how far he pushes the boundaries, which he is.

category12 · 16/02/2019 16:33

It's really worrying that you say you have nothing outside of the relationship. You need to change that, it's very unhealthy and it's why you're putting up with crappy treatment, and why he is complacent about hurting you. If you make yourself a doormat, all people will do is walk over you. Build up your own social network, get some life goals independent of him, do things that make you happy outside of what he wants.

HollowTalk · 16/02/2019 16:37

Why are you putting up with a man who's going on dates with a woman who's horrible to you? Find your self-respect and dump the fucker.

Pearpickinpenguin · 16/02/2019 16:45

She has issues with you because she wants him for herself.

Original poster

Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 17:02

I know my self esteem is something and that is something I’m working on in therapy, same with the ptsd. All mean that I’m a very meek person and massively avoid confrontation. I’m slowly building my life up again and I know it’s not good to be dependent one thing at a time. I don’t believe that he thinks he’s disrespecting me even though I’ve asked him numerous times to tell her. I haven’t had much chance to speak with him today as he’s working to even bring the issue up but I don’t think it’s some sordid affair or anything like that, I just think he’s oblivious and she just a horrible woman.

OP posts:

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