Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like partner is disrespecting me with friend.

68 replies

Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 12:03

Me and OH have been together 3years and I’m a bit down in the dumps today because I feel like OH is not respecting me and neither is his friend.
OH has a friend who just doesn’t make an effort and I think she would try and find fault in me if I was a saint, but OH never sticks up for me...
Firstly the first time we met she was very handy with my OH just touching him for no reason whatsoever and I felt very uncomfortable so afterwards I told OH I wasn’t too happy about how she was and he said he would talk to her. I don’t know for sure but I’m pretty sure he didn’t.
Secondly they were just chatting via text and because of the age gap she called me his “jailbait bride” (10 year age gap) I was furious about this and told him I was really annoyed and he said he would speak to her...he never did.
She refuses to call me by my real name when I rarely see her as “my name doesn’t suit me and I look much like another name”
Finally although we have never been friends on social media my OH told me to check out her business page...turns out she has blocked me on both her business and personal.
OH is seeing her tonight so I’ve told him to ask her outright why she doesn’t like me. I don’t mind not being liked but I’d rather know so I’m not making an effort for something that’ll be nothing.
OH brushed it off and said she thinks we are good together but all the signs don’t point to her thinking that.
Have any of you had problems with an OH friends being down right rude and what did you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 17:04

Also just to add for those that say it’s a date, I don’t believe it’s like that...they just go for a drink and something to eat and catch up like we would do with any of his other friends. I trust that if she wanted something he would say no and tell me.

OP posts:
Yippeee · 16/02/2019 17:41

Yes but why is he spending a Saturday night with her and not you? What are you doing this evening?

AnyFucker · 16/02/2019 17:43

Naive beyond belief. He is having an affair with her right under your nose.

pootleposeyperkin · 16/02/2019 17:45

They are completely taking the piss out of you

Original poster
Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 17:45

I decided to go see my grandma and cook her some dinner when he asked if it was alright to go out with her, I didn’t want to come so I made plans after they had. I just can’t stand to be around her, I don’t normally drink but as soon as I’m sat there I feel like people must look at the dynamic and think they’re the couple I sit their drinking and end up drunk just to drown sorrows

OP posts:
IDoN0tCare · 16/02/2019 17:47

He got you when you were at your most vulnerable and continues to keep you vulnerable by treating you with a total lack of respect. It doesn’t matter what he says to you, he is letting her shit all over you. You might find your mental health improves if you get rid of this arsehole and his side kick.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2019 17:48

I am cringing for you. That is the most passive thing I have ever heard.

What does your counsellor say about the dynamic in your relationship ?

Original poster
Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 17:49

I also think if they were having an affair they would see each other more often, it’s maybe once a month if that, whenever he is texting her I can see the full conversation and we share our location with each other 24/7 (find friends) so we can see for me cooking dinner what times I need or if he is picking me up from somewhere.
So whenever they go out I can see where they are.

OP posts:
Bool · 16/02/2019 17:49

Holy crap girl. You need to get out of this or any relationship and go and work on you. Work on your friends and your hobbies and your life. Then and only then even entertain a boyfriend.

Original poster
Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 17:50

My therapist more concentrated on the fact that I do have attachment issues, which I’m fully aware of. Am I really being that naive in thinking that he isn’t cheating and is just a lack of respect and toxic friend?

OP posts:
pootleposeyperkin · 16/02/2019 17:51

You're being horrendously naive

MsDogLady · 16/02/2019 17:53

...like he would do with any of his other friends.

But she is not behaving like his other friends, is she. She is touchy-feely in your presence, calls you ‘jail bait bride,’ changes your name, and blocks you.

@Anna, he is not oblivious. Don’t be naive. He knows very well what she is up to, and he is going along with her vile mockery of you. In going out alone with her tonight, he is making that statement to you and to her.

He is enjoying having two women fighting over him.

If he truly cared about you:
(1) he wouldn’t minimize your discomfort.
(2) he would shut her down.
(3) he wouldn’t be going on dates with her.

You see him as your rescuer, but he isn’t even on your side. Find your self-respect and walk away.

Bool · 16/02/2019 17:54

You need to stop analysing him and her (we can all tell you now they are both arses - that much is clear) and move on and start defining yourself. It made me scared you said you had nothing without ‘us’. You need to do this without a boyfriend. It’s clear as day and will save you a lot of therapy and money.

babba2014 · 16/02/2019 17:54

This isn't a life to live. He's walking all over you. Forget her. The therapy will not work whilst he's there belittling you but not taking a stance and standing by your side. I would never tolerate anyone belittling MY OH. They would instantly lose respect for being a nasty person. How on earth can you then keep hanging out with them. Fir the first time I will say, leave him.

Isth · 16/02/2019 17:55

‘He’s oblivious’ LOL
Of course he isn’t bloody oblivious, they’re both mugging you off, completely. There’s absolutely no respect for you, and you’re just letting them do it. I’m not sure I’ve ever read anything so... feeble. I’m not trying to be mean but come ON OP, you are worth a million times more than being the side chick in your own relationship

Original poster
Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 17:58

I know I’m feeble and I know I’m passive and I know I need to work on me, I haven’t exactly had a normal life and for the first time I felt like everything had fallen into place, now with this falling apart I have to start over yet again and it’s the worst feeling Sad

OP posts:
Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/02/2019 17:59

He would choose her over you in a heartbeat if you gave him that ultimatum.

Bool · 16/02/2019 18:01

Oh @Anna4215 it hasn’t fallen into place! You are with an arse!!! It sounds like your whole goal is a relationship. Your goal should be to find your edges and define yourself. And that is the most exciting thing in the world. You must do this before being in a relationship. Don’t waste anymore time to start. You are actually wasting more time sticking with this man.

DBML · 16/02/2019 18:02

I’d need therapy too if I was being treated like this.

As I said before, I’d crash their party tonight to be honest. Just to give her something to actually complain about. I wouldn’t drink and I’d be awful nice. That is until she had a dig and then I’d politely say “excuse me? Can you explain what you mean by that?” “What do you think DP? about what your friend’s just said to me? 🤔

There are better, nicer men out there...but it sounds like you could do with working on you first xx

Isth · 16/02/2019 18:03

It wasn’t in place to start with tho, the guys a twat! Honestly I haven’t had a ‘normal’ life either, lots of fucked up shit, but there comes a point where you simply have to choose more for yourself.

Original poster
Anna4215 · 16/02/2019 18:03

It’s very hard to find yourself when it seems like everyone my age has something to pull their individuality together or a career. I’ve just sort of muddled through and survived and seen it as good and not really found myself in the process. Urgh.

OP posts:
DBML · 16/02/2019 18:06

We all just muddled through and survive op...that’s life. To others my life probably looks straightforward, easy, together and even privileged. That’s what I want people to see, but reality is that it’s a jumble of mistakes, regrets, experiences and flukes.
You’re no different to anyone else xx

Kittykat93 · 16/02/2019 18:34

Cannot imagine sitting alone on a Saturday night whilst my husband is out having a meal and drinks with another woman. Absoloutely no way on earth that would happen.

Op - you need to get this sorted. You are worth more than this shit show. They are taking the piss and you know it.

Bool · 16/02/2019 18:49

What @DBML says. Everyone is muddling through! Please spend time on you. Don’t focus on them anymore. Don’t try and prove anything to them. Leave them to it.

Poocalypso · 16/02/2019 19:52

Hi there! My partner has plenty of female friends. It took me a while to realise I am the one is his life and I am now fine with him going out to have a drink with any one of them. (I also have male friends I see and would not be impressed if my partner stopped me seeing them).
But I would not be happy for him not to stick up for me. And reassure me. Then again it might be banter between them. She doesn't prob realize you see the texts.
I do not feel threatened by these woman (anymore) so would take it very differently than you do.
I do believe the dependency stops you from speaking out. Also there might be a middle ground in immediately stopping the relationship (and starting over again etc) - things aren't so black and white.
Ps my partner is also much older than I am.