Feel like partner is disrespecting me with friend.

[Anna4215]

Me and OH have been together 3years and I’m a bit down in the dumps today because I feel like OH is not respecting me and neither is his friend.
OH has a friend who just doesn’t make an effort and I think she would try and find fault in me if I was a saint, but OH never sticks up for me...
Firstly the first time we met she was very handy with my OH just touching him for no reason whatsoever and I felt very uncomfortable so afterwards I told OH I wasn’t too happy about how she was and he said he would talk to her. I don’t know for sure but I’m pretty sure he didn’t.
Secondly they were just chatting via text and because of the age gap she called me his “jailbait bride” (10 year age gap) I was furious about this and told him I was really annoyed and he said he would speak to her...he never did.
She refuses to call me by my real name when I rarely see her as “my name doesn’t suit me and I look much like another name”
Finally although we have never been friends on social media my OH told me to check out her business page...turns out she has blocked me on both her business and personal.
OH is seeing her tonight so I’ve told him to ask her outright why she doesn’t like me. I don’t mind not being liked but I’d rather know so I’m not making an effort for something that’ll be nothing.
OH brushed it off and said she thinks we are good together but all the signs don’t point to her thinking that.
Have any of you had problems with an OH friends being down right rude and what did you do?

@Poocalypso

So you would think that your husband and his female friend slagging you off, blocking on Facebook and refusing to call you your name as just banter between them? You have extremely low standards.

@Poocalypso

This isn’t about him. Or he friend. This is about Anna finding herself and her self esteem. I think we should go back to basics and start there.

You've posted about this before haven't you? I remember the name thing.

Look youve been told before how to handle this. You clearly aren't going to tell him to ditch the bitch, and you're going to keep being blind to the fact they are most likely having an affair.

Either dump him and have some respect for yourself, or be blind to it and stop posting wanting help. Can't really suggest anything if you are gonna stay, he is not going to stop seeing her. He will always prioritise her over you, you will never be number one. Accept that or leave.

He maybe isn't having an affair with her, men and women can be friends! However he is not treating you very nice and she is an absolute disgrace to womanhood! She's only behaving like this towards you though cos you let her.

Maybe I'm just old but my husband wouldn't leave me on my own on a Saturday night to go out with another woman, much less one who I didn't like and who is rude to me. My husband wouldn't talk to such a woman, not because of me asking but because he wouldn't allow someone to mistreat me. This situation is wrong, you feel insecure and upset and he just carries on. I'm really sorry OP, I hope things improve for you

You have a golden opportunity to stop muddling through OP. Use your therapy and what you have discovered about your attachment issues to move forward. The form of attachment to your primary caregiver is the template for all the relationships to follow. You can explore this, seek to understand it and how it plays out in your life now.

As a result you will hopefully come to see that you do not need this man who is currently out with another woman tonight. A woman who mocks you, makes you feel insecure, yet whom you cannot confront because you desperately need to be agreeable. An agreeableness that you hope will make him stay with you. Yes he might stay, but he'll probably end up destroying you, playing games with your well being and messing with your head.

Being in a relationship is not a measure that maybe you haven't got all of your life choices "wrong". It's just being in a relationship. If it's one like the one you've described, that's one hell of a compromise to bolster your self esteem.

@nicenewduster fully agree. Anna needs to go back to the root cause. Stop analysing this man and this woman. They are clearly crap. Go back to why the hell she is with him in the first place. And for that she needs to ditch him and work on herself. Please Anna to work on yourself and why you think being in a relationship is somehow winning at life. You win in life because of you not who you are with. And when you are you and fully complete you should only then see if you would like to add a cherry on the cake and be with somebody else in a non co-dependent situation.

She might not fancy him like that but she clearly sees him as 'hers' and you are the enemy - taking him away from her. It's messed up. If it wasn't obvious enough, not even calling you by your name says it all - so pathetic.

He sounds shit though, I am sorry. My DP has lots of close female friends but if any of them spoke about me like that he would have called them out right away and cut them off if need be. He doesn't seem like he would stick up for you, and honestly I feel like they are probably a bit shitty behind your back.

You deserve better.

He is enjoying having two women fighting over him.

Sadly, I agree with this. It's rather pathetic actually.

He's no good for you at all.

She refuses to call me by my real name when I rarely see her as “my name doesn’t suit me and I look much like another name”

Who does this Nasty Cow think she is, I am literally incredulous at this and your Partner says NOTHING ?!

Seriously, this is not worth the dirt on your shoes lady.

OP, please stop making excuses for him and your passivity. You will 100% not make a step forward or come further in any therapy while you stay in this kind of toxic set-up. You keep making comments like you haven’t got anything like other people. But you really do not know the kind of massive struggles others might have gone through.

Calling someone by their name is basic respect. Refusing to call you by your name is intentional disrespect. Combine this with blocking you on social media, shows that she absolutely hates you and wants you to know this. Touching your partner shows you that he is hers, that she could have him if she wants and she is marking her territory.

Her behaviour is disgusting but not half as disgusting as your dp who is allowing this.

Him (let’s be honest) wining and dining her tonight without you, sends her the message that she is the priority and he is happy to leave you at home, to be with her.

The whole situation is bizarre and I real feel for you, because you seem to believe that this is normal for your relationship. All you want is him to stand up for you a little bit and he won’t. It’s so cruel.

You really are worth more than this. I hope one day you realise this too.

It sounds like she has feelings for him and he probably likes the attention.
He is majorly disrespecting you!

...as soon as I’m sat there I feel like people must look at the dynamic and think they’re the couple.

So he has humiliated you in public with her. They have intimacy and his allegiance is with her.

@Anna, while you are working hard in therapy, he is doing his best to undermine you. You need to address your relationship in therapy, and tell your therapist everything you have told us. This is an unhealthy relationship and you need to clearly see that, and work on the reasons you are tolerating it. Try to recognize if you are repeating a pattern.

You mentioned attachment issues and PTSD. Has PTSD been diagnosed? It sounds like you have indeed come through some difficult times. Nevertheless, your willingness to seek therapy shows strength. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking of yourself as feeble, which will hamstring you. You can move forward, honoring your dignity and individuality. You’ve already begun by recognizing the disrespect shown you by these two people.

Work in therapy on building stronger boundaries and learning positive coping strategies, as well as productive communication/conflict resolution skills. Continue working on your self-esteem. These tools will be a godsend in helping you build your life. Find your interests and your talents. Volunteer and give to others.

You have attached yourself to a selfish man who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. He has already betrayed your trust and minimized your feelings. If you assert your boundaries regarding his relationship with the OW, he will likely deflect blame to you by accusing you of being insecure, jealous, silly, or paranoid, etc. Don’t buy it.

Your best bet to create your best life is to walk away.

To clarify: My comment regarding asserting your boundaries was not meant to dissuade you, only to advise you to not accept any blame. You should confront him. He is bringing you down.

@Anna, how are you?

@Whatsnewpussyhat said:

He would choose her over you in a heartbeat if you gave him that ultimatum.

This is always the problem in these situations. If you ever have a if he cared he wouldn't do X; but I'm scared to ask him not to as I don't want to rock the boat then it is a sure sign you should just walk alway. Don't even bother with a conversation about it.

This is because:

• a man that cared about you would never make you feel like crap whatever it is that he is doing that makes you feel like that (your situation, spending too much time with his friends, disrespecting you, not calling).

• you know that. so you know that the indicator is that he doesn't really care.

• therefore, you are too scared to make a fuss about it because you know that the answer will be something you don't like (either "tough I'm sticking with this behaviour" OR "There's the door don't let it hit you on the ass).

• because otherwise you'd just say "this isnt' right. it's upsetting me so I'm leaving."

That's the Catch 22. You know he doesn't care/won't stop it and you are too scared to challenge the behaviour because you know it will end up with the end of the relationship. Either you put up with the shit and turn a blind eye until he dumps you or it ends up in a collosal can't-come-back-from -this-verbal-abuse- row OR you walk alway.

TBH there is zero point in having "a chat" or "an ultimatum" because it won't achieve anything will it?

Neatly pack up your dignity while you still have it into a smart suitcase and saunter out the door while you still can style it out.

@RugbyRugby 👏👏👏