Unsexy in pregnancy and porn

[Ellaaa]

Hi I’m a bit nervous because I already feel like I sound ridiculous but here goes!

Me and my partner have always had a very active sex life, it’s always been a big part of our relationship and we both love it. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and for a number of reasons our sex life has been really affected. We had a previous late miscarriage so early on I was just too terrified to do anything. I’ve managed to over come that and I’m so glad however I’ve got a whole different issue now. I don’t feel that I’m ugly but I don’t feel like I’m sexy either, there’s no way my partner can fancy me the same with all the changes that have happened. My libido is back and I really want to have sex a lot more, I have SPD and other back problems which means I just can’t do a whole lot, even to the point where I just have to lie there, can’t even last very long on all fours. I’ve caught him watching porn quite a few times now and I’ve tried so hard to be logical about it but I just feel sad anyway... I’m gutted that I can’t ‘please’ him properly anymore, and there’s no way I can compete with how they have sex on the porn he watches (and it’s pretty mild generic stuff). Obviously I have no right to be annoyed with him or anything but it’s still really affecting me... I can’t remember before pregnancy and this situation even wondering let alone worrying about porn. But I just can’t get it out of my head, I tried to get it on with him this morning and it probably sounds funny (I might laugh about it in a week) but I was so uncoordinated even just trying to lean and reach around him that I smacked my head right on the temple on his elbow! I then immediately remembered how I’m not sexy and I can’t do sexy things for him and I made up an excuse so I could go and cry.... I’m not really sure what to do... I know it won’t be an issue when baby’s here but I’m so sick of feeling inadequate :( I have spoke to him about this and he says all the right things about how porn isn’t like that for men and he doesn’t compare me or anything like that. But even still no matter how hard I try I keep picturing him wanking over this gorgeous women that I just can’t compete with, even makes me feel a bit sick tbh. I feel like a right muppet for having an issue with porn, and I can see how I’m probably being unreasonable not wanting him to do it but I still just really really don’t want him too :( I haven’t actually asked him not to, at first I asked him if he could not do it when I’m home but he did it anyway but then tbf I’m off sick from work so I’m home all the time! I have been doing other stuff for him, I feel like he gets it quite good with the amount of random blowjobs he gets... but then it’s obviously not enough? Sorry this is a really long rambling post, I’m a tad emotional and hormonal!

How did we get to this? Where sex is seen as some kind of performance art women must do for men to keep them happy? All of your post is about him and his needs, what about you?!

He’s had random blow jobs, great, how often has he randomly gone down on you whilst expecting nothing in return because he realises that growing a baby might make sex a little more tricky for you, but still wants you to feel desired and sexy? What is he doing to please and fulfill you?

As for the porn, of course you have a right to be upset. If he had some kind of penis related illness that meant sex was more tricky for him and he put on weight, felt unattractive and repeatedly found you wanking over men with perfect bodies and big dicks, would he have no right to feel upset? I hate how women have been conditioned to accept this and be “cool” with it when you can bet your arse men wouldn’t feel the same if the tables were turned.

I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, he’s a product of society which believes male sexuality is one of the most important things in the world, but you do need to have conviction in how you feel and talk to him about it.

I hate how women have been conditioned to accept this and be “cool”

Disagree entirely with that. Don’t you think maybe it’s just a differing opinion to yours. Annoys me when if anyone on here, doesn’t really care or get excited by things they get the “here come the cool wives” comments

OP, you sound great however if you need to have a frank, reality bites conversation with him. When I was in your shoes, I went right off sex.
I watch porn when DH is away, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him dearly.

Porn isn't about replacing you or you not being good enough, it's just different.

What would work for you at the moment? Different positions, more or less or nothing at all? It sounds you have a strong relationship, but you're understandably wobbly (literally at times!) because of the changes to your body.

If it helps to reassure, it strikes me that he adores you and you have a great relationship.

Hi @op

So sorry about your loss

I'm 32 weeks pregnant, with SPD and anemia, and feel exactly the same. I fancy my OH, and want to have sex, but physically I'm just finding it too difficult. My bump is sore and I'm knackered, my SPD makes me feel like I've been kicked in the fanjo and I have literally no co ordination whatsoever.

I would be very upset if my partner looked at porn right now. I also know logically that it's just 'something blokes do' and doesn't mean anything deeper to them, but that's not the point. We are going through a crazy hormone roller coaster on top of all the physical changes. I think considering that you've only got 8 weeks to go, it's really not much to forgo porn for a bit.

Thanks for getting where I’m coming from! I think I may have made it seem like he expects that of me, I don’t think it does, I like to please him though it makes me feel good and tbf he does try it on with me and would happily go down on me, it’s more me that’s the issue getting in my own head, i don’t really want him to because I’m so caught up on comparing my self to porn stars 😩 I think he struggles to understand why I’m upset when we talk about it he constantly says things like all men do it and stuff which they probably do, but in my head I can’t help but think is wanking over porn (I honestly wouldn’t mind if he was just having a wank it’s the porn part that freaks me out) that important, so important he has to do it at the moment when he knows it bothers me? I kind of feel like hey I’m uncomfortable and in pain and having to do a lot of the hard stuff, could you just not for a few months longer! I actually said to him about how would you feel if I was wanking over massive peniss on the internet and he just couldn’t comprehend it, it’s hard to explain when there’s not really a male equivalent or being pregnant haha.

He deffo does appreciate the random blowjobs and stuff, but to me if he’s still going on porn then I’m not enough :(

I think he thinks my issue lies with him having a wank, which it really doesn’t, I get men have to relive them selves! But what hurts is that he’s looking at other women to do it, he says it’s just quick and easy stimulation so he can have a quick wank... but it’s not like he hasn’t got about 100 photos and videos of me... so that just makes me feel worse knowing that he needs the unrealistic stuff to get himself off. But then again I suppose the same boobs will get boring... but to me isn’t that part of being in a relationship?

Sorry keep rambling back and forth, heads all over the place and my partner when we spoke this morning was saying he’s not done it in a while because we’ve been getting it on more, but he wouldn’t tell me anyway at this point because he knows it bothers me. And so that just adds a whole new level of issues with me because it’s a sneaky hidden secret thing that he can’t be honest about, if it was really ok then he would do it in front of me but obviously he never would! It’s all very confusing for me because as I said I’m not sure if it would have bothered me before pregnancy!

Yes thank you otherwise our relationship is really great and I know he loves me, I’m just super insecure! He’s been trying to make me feel better this morning because he knew I was upset, unfortunately though I’m too embarrassed from the head bump running off crying incident to feel sexy 🙄😂 although I did feel a bit better when he was trying to come on to me he accidentally poked me in the eye so I think we’re both a bit out of practice 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

Women wank over porn too

Honestly, it is just a quick and easy release. Pics of you have an emotional connection, for a quick wank he only needs the physical bit.

And porn isn't all unrealistic and definitely not all the women are gorgeous! I bet he thinks you're hotter than all the women on there put together.

I'm terrible with acting sexy at the best of times, these little accidents are everyday occurrences for me! Takes a real connection with someone to be able to laugh together about them, and you've got that.

(My worst injury was getting kneed between the eyes. Hilarious at the time but trying to black eyes after wasn't the best!)

Disagree entirely with that. Don’t you think maybe it’s just a differing opinion to yours. Annoys me when if anyone on here, doesn’t really care or get excited by things they get the “here come the cool wives” comments

But that’s not what I’m saying. It’s fine for women and men to watch porn, enjoy porn, be fine with it. BUT, it’s also ok to not be and for women (or men) who don’t feel comfortable with their partner watching it, not to feel like they have to pretend to be ok with it. Their opinion and feelings shouldn’t have to be swallowed and ignored.

Yes that’s what I object too too, the idea that if we aren’t cool with it (especially if it becomes a habit as regular as brushing your teeth) that we need to ‘lighten up’ and just be 100% ok with it. The thing is in the past when men actually had to put a video on, if they were doing that 4 mornings a week before breakfast then it would have been seen as totally piss poor manners,

I don't think all men watch it. I certainly wouldn't want my partner to.

If he can't get the release without porn he might have a poor imagination.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. I am sure he does love you and finds you attractive. If he can't understand this upsets you then he just needs to learn to put himself in yoir shoes.

I am sure there are women who watch porn but I think there are probably even more women who get excited by nice cost chats with attractive, kind men they are not married to!

How would be feel if you were getting an emotional high from chatting to Bob from accounts or Greg at the local cafe?

Just talk to him. I hope he gets it. And your sex life gets back to where you both want it to be without the need for any input from a cast of others.

Anfgood luck for the birth.

I feel like a right muppet for having an issue with porn

Why? You are allowed to have an issue with it.

I have a massive issue with the objectification of women and women being looked on as nothing more thank a fuck hole or wank fodder.

I think its a disgusting and exploitative industry.

I'm not pregnant. I have an active sex life and as hard as it is to believe for some women, my husband doesn't like it either. (cue lodas of women replying to tell me that my husband MUST watch porn and I'm a fool if I think he doesn't 🙄)

I think we have issues for different reasons though, but you can ask him not to watch it when you're in the house.

PositiveVibez completely with you.

OP it doesn't matter why you have an issue with it, you do. So talk to your dh and decide a way forward together. Your pregnancy will come to an end once baby is born and you can get back to your active sex life. But if he is insensitive now, at this important time, it may damage your relationship.

You are not a muppet, OP.

You shouldn't feel you have to compete with or be compared to porn actresses - you don't have to, it's fantasy/entertainment/a masturbation aid: porn actors and actresses, just like mideks, are not representative of the population. they're often (the professionals not the amateurs) well well above average looks, and well above average maintenance, grooming etc. I'm taking about the men and the women here. The men used to be a lot more ordinary looking Ty Han the women were, to be fair, but I find that's mostly changed now and most of them (of both sexes) are like fitness models.

If you were watching porn, would you be comparing your husband to eg. Johnny Castle, Chad White, Charles dera, James Deen, Johnny Sins etc.?

This goes both ways you know, men don't get to compare us to models and porn actresses while they aren't compared to the equivalent. Some of them will try but frankly, fk them😁.

Overall, as well, you're comparing apples with oranges - one thing is a detached, impersonal, sexual fantasy/masturbation aid , while the other is s personal, holistic, emotional, multifaceted, real relationship that includes a sexual element. Again that goes both ways.

The amount of people here applauding too many men's unhealthy compartmentalizing of women into Whores and Mother-donnas makes me sad.

I know it seems especially difficult to have a conversation with him about this right now, however he sounds like a decent chap who would be receptive to hearing your feelings about the situation. Best of luck to you.

"Your pregnancy will come to an end once baby is born and you can get back to your active sex life."

But its normal for a woman's libido to be suppressed for some time after having a child isn't it? 6 months to a year seems normal. There may be many other times when she simply won't feel like sex for a long time due to other factors. So they need to discuss this. But whatever the result, if you she doesn't want him doing it, gentle discouragement on her part is likely to be more effective than anger.

Scott72 "But its normal for a woman's libido to be suppressed for some time after having a child isn't it? 6 months to a year seems normal. There may be many other times when she simply won't feel like sex for a long time due to other factors." Of course, but the OP says her sex drive is back already! Its totally up to her.

"gentle discouragement on her part is likely to be more effective than anger." It might be, it might not. I'm not suggesting she gets back to swinging from the chandelier, I'm saying her not listening to her concerns now is not good.

I'm saying his not listening to her concerns now is not good.

OP said "I have spoke to him about this..." So presumably he knows... Isn't that the gentle discouragement?

If that was aimed at me @sillage, you've completely misunderstood my post.

To me both men and women who watch porn (or more mildly watch eg a programme because they have a crush on an actor, or read erotic/romantic fiction etc are using it as fantasy and possibly as a masturbation aid. The porn actors and actresses, the ' regular' actors and actresses are generally rather above average looks and not comparable to regular folks; but much more importantly than that, they are just a fantasy figure,
completely incomparable to a real rounded relationship with a real, multi faceted person.

I enjoy watching (male) porn actors with great physiques (and frankly ridiculously large cocks) having sex in porn; I don't expect my partner (woman here obviously) to be like that. He's not a porn actor, and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a porn actor even if I had the opportunity, it wouldn't suit me. They play a role, they fulfil a function, I'm grateful to them and detest the double standard and stigma we put on sex industry workers.

If the op is uncomfortable with any porn watching at all, then obviously that's an issue that she needs to discuss frankly with her oh.

Unfortunately for people who don't want to be in a relationship with someone (more so men) who never ever watch porn, they seem to be in the minority rather than the majority.

Mostly they just seem to go underground with it when asked to never do it.

"I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a porn actor even if I had the opportunity, it wouldn't suit me"

What if the brain, sexual desires, and bodily reactions you contain within yourself when looking at prostituted people be prostituted on camera were the very same brain, sexual desires, and bodily reactions you contain within yourself when looking at non-prostituted people?

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks how do you know so much about who watches or doesn't watch porn?

I think a lot of assumptions are made about everyone does it, or all men do it. I'm not sure what that figure is based on. But even if every single person on the planet did it. People still have a right to an opinion when it affects their relationship. And it sounds like the *OP's dh might miss out on real sex with his real wife if she is upset about his watching habits.

It’s made me feel a bit better that a few of you have said it not a muppet for being uncomfortable with it! We have had quite a few discussions about it now, some of the earlier ones I was a bit over emotional and probably came off quite judgemental so I don’t think that helped. I said to him that it seems to be something I have to accept but I’m not comfortable with him doing it while I’m home. It makes me feel like a mug that I’m sat in the next room while he is looking at other women. He did agree to this but then I found he’s done at least 2 more times since then. It’s a tricky one, I feel let down that he made a deal with me and didn’t stick to his word, but then I don’t leave the house really at the moment so I don’t want to dictate to him what he does or be be controlling like that. He is so supportive and understanding generally and is honestly my rock, which is why I think I feel a bit silly having an issue with him over it because he makes me so happy and I’m letting it affect me and us quite a bit. I don’t really have an issue with porn and have used it myself in the past when I wasn’t with my partner, it makes me feel really jelous though now to think of him on it. I know everyone says it’s not cheating because there not ‘real women’ but to me, these women do actually exist and my partner is getting he’s thrills looking at them and not me :( not so many years ago the best he would have been able to do is look at a dirty magazine, I just hate that it’s all so available now. My libido has actually come back for the last few weeks and I’m wanting to get it on a lot more, not been entirely possible all the time due to my current condition lol but we’ve been able to satisfy each other in other ways. He has said to me that he doesn’t need to now because we’re doing stuff more often. When we first spoke though he tried to maintain for ages that it had nothing to do with our sex life and he would do it regardless... I think he didn’t want to upset me and was trying to remove the link I had between me and the porn. So I just think he will be better at hiding it, which makes me sad to because as far as I knew we didn’t hide anything from each other! I know once pregnancy is over the situation may change but as others have said there will always be times where we can’t be at it as much and I’m worried that I’m future I’ll be paranoid everyone we have a dry spell, for example when baby is here if my libido is even existent then I will need time to heal and get into motherhood anyway so it still feels a long way off! It just seems so confusing, if porn was ok and I should be ok with it, why would he need to hide it? I feel like it gets hidden because really deep down he knows that it’s not 100% healthy for our relationship?