Unsexy in pregnancy and porn

[Ellaaa]

Hi I’m a bit nervous because I already feel like I sound ridiculous but here goes!

Me and my partner have always had a very active sex life, it’s always been a big part of our relationship and we both love it. I’m currently 32 weeks pregnant and for a number of reasons our sex life has been really affected. We had a previous late miscarriage so early on I was just too terrified to do anything. I’ve managed to over come that and I’m so glad however I’ve got a whole different issue now. I don’t feel that I’m ugly but I don’t feel like I’m sexy either, there’s no way my partner can fancy me the same with all the changes that have happened. My libido is back and I really want to have sex a lot more, I have SPD and other back problems which means I just can’t do a whole lot, even to the point where I just have to lie there, can’t even last very long on all fours. I’ve caught him watching porn quite a few times now and I’ve tried so hard to be logical about it but I just feel sad anyway... I’m gutted that I can’t ‘please’ him properly anymore, and there’s no way I can compete with how they have sex on the porn he watches (and it’s pretty mild generic stuff). Obviously I have no right to be annoyed with him or anything but it’s still really affecting me... I can’t remember before pregnancy and this situation even wondering let alone worrying about porn. But I just can’t get it out of my head, I tried to get it on with him this morning and it probably sounds funny (I might laugh about it in a week) but I was so uncoordinated even just trying to lean and reach around him that I smacked my head right on the temple on his elbow! I then immediately remembered how I’m not sexy and I can’t do sexy things for him and I made up an excuse so I could go and cry.... I’m not really sure what to do... I know it won’t be an issue when baby’s here but I’m so sick of feeling inadequate :( I have spoke to him about this and he says all the right things about how porn isn’t like that for men and he doesn’t compare me or anything like that. But even still no matter how hard I try I keep picturing him wanking over this gorgeous women that I just can’t compete with, even makes me feel a bit sick tbh. I feel like a right muppet for having an issue with porn, and I can see how I’m probably being unreasonable not wanting him to do it but I still just really really don’t want him too :( I haven’t actually asked him not to, at first I asked him if he could not do it when I’m home but he did it anyway but then tbf I’m off sick from work so I’m home all the time! I have been doing other stuff for him, I feel like he gets it quite good with the amount of random blowjobs he gets... but then it’s obviously not enough? Sorry this is a really long rambling post, I’m a tad emotional and hormonal!

What if the brain, sexual desires, and bodily reactions you contain within yourself when looking at prostituted people be prostituted on camera were the very same brain, sexual desires, and bodily reactions you contain within yourself when looking at non-prostituted people?

A. Not all porn actors and actresses (professional and amateur) are prostituted. Your apparent belief that they are indicates a binary mindset.

B. Entering into and maintaining a relationship is about more than 'brain, sexual desires, and bodily reactions', it's about people suiting each other; and I, as a non porn actress, would not be suited to a relationship with a porn actor. The number of porn actors and actresses who are in relationships with other porn actors actresses shows that I'm not alone in that. There are particular issues that make it difficult for non porn industry actors/workers to have successful relationships with porn actors and actresses.

I feel like it gets hidden because really deep down he knows that it’s not 100% healthy for our relationship?

Well you've told him you're uncomfortable with it and it hurts your feelings, so naturally he'd going to hide it.

Also I'm 100% ok with my partner using it (as long as it's not excessive in my eyes, which it has never been), he knows that, he knows I watch porn too ... And he's still not going to put it in my face, as such. He's discrete about it: I think that's a natural inclination.

It's for various reasons, not least of which is that (whether we have a partner or not) masturbation is a mostly a private space, mentally and physically.

You're hurt/annoyed that he broke your agreement band lied as well.

This is a v common theme with MN posters I find; the discussion about porn, the apparent agreement to stop and the hurt and anger being lied to when they fall back into it again.

It seems like quite a lot of men use porn occasionally, rely on it to masturbate, agree with their partner to never do it with the intention of a. Really not doing it, but down the line giving into temptation and behind that having no belief there's anything fundamentally wrong with it. Or b. they agree to never use it, knowing they will but planning to hide it and thinking of that as a white lie. Again they don't fundamentally think there's anything wrong with it.

It seems like in both cases the ma nis not compatible with someone who fundamentally believes porn is wrong (in a relationship or at all) .. but the bind is that neither partner wants to split over it.

That's why I feel like you're on a loser about this; it seems like you otherwise think he's a good partner, love him, are happy and won't want to end the relationship.

You can reiterate your feelings and he can feel like to say he'll never watch it again, but he might (because he clearly is not in the camp of thinking porn is fundamentally wrong); and there'll be more angst.

You've said you watched porn in the past; did you feel watching it for sexual gratification was comparable to the feelings and gratification you get in a sexual scenario with a lover/partner?

(Because I honestly don't, its two different things to me).

"Well you've told him you're uncomfortable with it and it hurts your feelings, so naturally he'd going to hide it."

Not naturally at all. He could just stop doing it!

I think it's a tough one and I will now out now since I would have a problem with it and think it is ok to have a problem with. But if he cannot stop looking and you lo e him and want to stay with him then you'll probably have to accept it. Bit as you have used it before may be it-s ok to just accept you both like looking at it. Good luck.

*how do you know so much about who watches or doesn't watch porn?

I think a lot of assumptions are made about everyone does it, or all men do it. I'm not sure what that figure is based on. But even if every single person on the planet did it. People still have a right to an opinion when it affects their relationship. And it sounds like the OP's dh might miss out on real sex with his real wife if she is upset about his watching habits.

I base my impression on life experience, observation and forum discussions; it seems like (though of course noone has accurate figures) a good portion of men watch porn, and a smaller portion of women.

I've not at any point said that at anyone hasn't got the right to find it unacceptable in their relationship. They do, but I think they're in a bind if their partner doesn't fundamentally believes there's anything wrong with it as an occasional masturbatory aid.

I may have missed it but I didn't see where op said she feels she's missing out on sex because of it- I got the impression they couldn't have sex as much and he's therefore apparently masturbating more (and using porn more).

Not naturally at all. He could just stop doing it!

He apparently doesn't want to and doesn't see it as fundamentally wrong. I'm not saying it's right, just stating facts.

Op can have another discussion and try to get him to agree to never watch it, but it seems like that might fail (though of course it might be successful if she convinced him that it's s big issue).

Ie that it hurts her badly and that she considers it a deal breaker.

I get the impression that he perhaps thinks she's emotional and hormonal and it's being blown out proportion, and that it's not a deal breaker for her: so hes doing the minimise, hide and white lie routine.

Men get off on porn because they are pretending to fertilise the women on screen. Why would he watch videos of you when you've already been fertilised? He's pretending to spread his seed, bless him.

Hi op

Porn just speeds things up, that's literally all it is. I think it becomes a problem when the person can't 'perform' without using it but that clearly isn't the case here.

I completely sympathise with the whole feeling unattractive during pregnancy, I was like a hippo and in pain most of the time.

Get some pampering if possible for a nice boost hair, nails, lashes, brows etc. Put a money jar aside for post birth new clothes etc. And write a plan for a post birth exercise routine.

You need to remind yourself this isn't forever. When you're back to yourself physically I feel this won't be an issue for you xx

Why are you filing out apology blowjobs and feeling inadequate? You're pregnant and need to have honest communication about how you both feel... not dance around like a show pony!

Closetbeanmuncher "Porn just speeds things up, that's literally all it is"

That sounds really grim! If it is a desperate need then why does it need speeding up? And could that not damage a normal sexual encounter with a real person?

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks I can't begin to imagine how you can assume the majority of men use porn based on your experiences and internet forums.

Like a lot of things I think we assume people are like us. If we do it, we assume others do it. And vice versa.

This leads to a weight of, "It's normal, every one does it!'

I hope the OP works things out with her partner. I hope he realises how lucky he is to get blow jobs while she is pregnant!

I didn't fancy putting anything in my mouth, except salt and vinehar crisps, when I was pregnant - but then again I'm assuming everyone else is like me.

Maybe loads of women are giving blow jobs while pregnant!

OP I hope he realises how lucky he is to have you and that all goes well with the pregnancy.

It's something for the two of you to work out. You said you don't get out much. Maybe you need to get out more anyway. Join an ante natal swim group. Make some new mummy friends etc.

Good luck.

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks I can't begin to imagine how you can assume the majority of men use porn based on your experiences and internet forums.

I can begin to imagine how you can assume the majority of men use porn based on your experiences and internet forums.

There I fixed that for you. I know of one - one man personally to date who does not use porn.

It is also v obvious from this forum that it is s common issue. It is also blatantly obvious from other, male dominated forums that it is very common.

I don't base anything on what I donor don't do and assume other people are the same.

I don't know whether you're being wilfully obtuse.

Incidentally I said 'a good portion of men', not the majority of men.

Iownmanyleatherboundbooks "I don't know whether you're being wilfully obtuse."

Not bring obtuse, wilfully or otherwise.

There are millions in my country and billions on the planet. You appear to be making assumptions based on a very small demographic. IMHO.

Also if the forums are in any way about porn or porn use then that is a self selecting group, not a cross section of society as a whole.

I am not saying porn use is not common among men nor am I sayong it's not an issue.

You don't need to engage with me if you think I am being obtuse (annoyingly insensitive or slow to understand) but your choice or word is rude to me so I won't be engaging with you on this anymore.

All the best OP.

"Incidentally I said 'a good portion of men', not the majority of men."

Apologies of I misread your good proportion as all men. Bit you did say "It seems like quite a lot of men use porn occasionally, rely on it to masturbate, ..." And you've not quoted where this figure comes from. Even if there were a survey, again, who replies and how isn'tvoeood either way to me.

I think we are just coming at this from opposite ends so lets agree to differ.

isn'tvoeood- isn't conclusive...

You appear to be making assumptions based on a very small demographic.

Tell that to the porn web site and porn channels companies (and before that to porn movie & mag distributors). Tell that to every woman who's been unpleasantly surprised and upset by discovering her oh's porn use. Tell that to the agencies who are disturbed by the effect of porn use on young men.

Also if the forums are in any way about porn or porn use then that is a self selecting group, not a cross section of society as a whole.

Nope, they are male dominated forums for various interests eg fitness, miscellaneous.

And you've not quoted where this figure comes from.

I'm not aware of any reliable statistics on this, and it's a self declaring use that many may not choose to declare.

Anyway, yes we are just irritating each other and probably not helping op at this point.

Incidentally a very fast Google produces an Independent article titled 'British Sex Survey 2014: Over Three-quarters of men watch porn, but women prefer erotica'.

"Tell that to the agencies who are disturbed by the effect of porn use on young men."

Yes, I will agree with you it is a big issue. I am not attempting to minimise it. I do that did not appear so.

"Anyway, yes we are just irritating each other and probably not helping op at this point."

Indeed, but for the record that was not my intention.

I think maybe we are more on the same page than at first appears!

I do hope that did not appear so...

Italian greyhound - I didn't think you were trying to minimise it and I apologise for any offense or annoyance I may have caused you during this (always lively when it comes to this subject) debate.

I genuinely think the a good portion, possibly even the majority of men, use porn (at least occasionally) and I don't think my experiences & observations reflect a small/unusual cross-section. That survey reported in the Independent would seem to corroborate that.

Back on the main topic, that's why I think that the op can certainly insist on a no porn policy with her husband, but may be no more successful than she's already been (unless she convinces him it's an absolute deal breaker and their marriage is on the line over it, which I don't think she will, even just going by her posts and her situation).

Unfortunately it just seems to be common, both the use of porn - and the perception that there's nothing really wrong with it - hence you hide it and lie by omission or tell white lies about it. I feel like she's only causing herself stress, and may be better focusing on e.g. her experience of watching porn, how it compares to real.sex with a real person you're in a relationship with and whether that can help her minimise her stress and hurt over it. If she can't, of course she completely within her rights as a person and partner to demand no porn use, but I genuinely think it's not going to work out her and just cause more stress.