AIBU

[SadVillageGirl]

I've been away for 3 weeks helping my daughter with her newborn. I'm due back tonight and said to my partner shall I come straight over (we have been together more than 2 years, live apart) but it won't be til around 8pm. He said that's too late and he will be asleep. So I said well shall I just let myself in and snuggle up to you, but still the answer is no. He said just come over Sunday. I'd also cancelled work on Monday so we could be together as he had booked Monday off too and he said he's working now so I'll just see him Sunday and then again next Friday. (He works away in the week).

Am I being unreasonable in thinking he would want to see me ASAP? Or is he just not into me? My history with him is not great as he has history of narcissistic abuse so I'm thinking this is just another one of his tactics to make me feel hurt in return for "leaving" him for 3 weeks. He's very jealous of the relationship I have with my children.

Ok. Fast forward 30 years or so. That precious new grandbaby of yours is being treated this way. Screamed at for no reason, made to walk on eggshells, deprived of affection. Do you want them to be strong and show they deserves better, or do you want them to think ‘this is how I grew up seeing my granny be treated too so it must be normal.’

You are worth more than this.

I went over to his yesterday morning

Why? What were you hoping would happen?

How did your self esteem get so low that you would accept his rubbish? For goodness sake, take a long hard look at yourself and write a list of all your attractive points.
Next, list anything you are not too keen on about him - no matter how minor. My narc ex used to aggressively pluck his nose hair out with his finger & thumb while driving, my god that was first on the list! Y- fronts, on the list, humming in the loo - list. When you remove the god status they have created in your mind, it gets much easier!

@ApolloandDaphne @QueenOfTheCroneAge

Neither of you are being very kind or helpful to the OP. You can't get cross because someone doesn't take your offer of advice.
I'm sure you know OP his behaviour is wrong and that's why you posted here for back up. I also think you sound like a kind and accommodating person which is why you went to see him in the hope he'd see the light. But how about you direct some of that kindness to yourself and then to your family.

I bet you think you can manage the two areas of your life separately because of the distance the family live away. But why should you? Your partner should be thrilled for you as a blended family but he's not and he's not going to change.

Maybe you have fears of being alone and not finding anyone else once you've split from him. These fears are holding you back. Do you have strong friends in real life that can help you @SadVillageGirl

Thank you avocado and the other caring people. To the other couple of ladies who are being cruel then can I suggest you have never had low self esteem or been in an abusive relationship?
Sometimes leaving is harder than staying. I've tried leaving him several times but the threats of what he will do to himself or me makes me go back. It's out of fear not love.

@avocadoincident I have much sympathy with women who are living with men who they have children with and find themselves in a terrible relationship but find it hard to leave. However this OP life's not lives with her partner. They are not married and have no children together. She has said herself she knows he is abusive and horrible. She k ones she should leave him. But she has gone to him. What else can we say to her? Some people just need to be told things straight. At the end of the day it's her life and her choice.

If he's threatening to hurt himself if you leave him it's emotional blackmail. Call his bluff and tell him to fuck off. Is moving closer to your family a possibility?

You don't live together or I'm guessing have any ties?

Why put yourself through it? So he says he will commit suicide if you don't see him anymore?

That alone would be enough

This isn't healthy.

OP. I am. It trying to be cruel or nasty. I am being frank and hoping you can se that you hold all the cards here. You can walk away. You know that. But only you can decide to do it. I wish you well.

• I am not.

What do your children think of him? Do they know what your situation is with him?

If your dc ended up with someone like this would you advise them to stick around??

Try to think of it this way...why on earth does he want his girlfriend to stay with him through fear?
Surely we want our other halves to stay with us through choice, warm regard, affection? Who in their right mind wants to be in a relationship with someone they have to threaten in order to keep?
That’s fundamentally flawed wouldn’t you say?

He’s not arsed about a relationship, he wants to assume ownership.

Lovinglola they haven't seen him for 14 months.

Pootle after he slit his wrists in front of me I left. Ever since then, he threatened to call the police on me and said I'd ignored him when he was bleeding and I could be arrested for that. I got back with him because I was scared of the police.

he shouted at me for 2 hours solid

You know you can hang up the phone, right? Why would you put up with this?

he threatened to call the police on me and said I'd ignored him when he was bleeding and I could be arrested for that

Utter bollox.

I got back with him because I was scared of the police

You have nothing to be scared about. He sounds miserable. Just dump him and go back to your daughter and GD.

You don't have any ties to him. You don't owe him anything. Just walk.

He's bullshitting. He's controlling you through fear and coercion. There's lots of info and help in here about Women's Aid and the Freedom programmme.

What will happen if you block him, ignore his calls, don't answer the door etc ?? If he makes a scene you can call the police.

Greenfingers the 2 hour rant was back in the hotel room after I'd seen my grand baby being born. My daughter isn't local so we stayed in a hotel. He said I'd left him and he was lonely.
Pootle when I blocked him last year he started sending messages to my daughter. He then made up new email addresses and emailed me.

Sadvillage, the more I read, the worse this gets. Sweetie, you really need to get away from him. My friend had a bloke just like this. She rang Women's Aid and they were brilliant and helped her to navigate her way out of it, with the help of the police. You are being abused.

Ring Women's Aid and tell them everything you've told us, especially the bit about slashing his wrists and his threats to call the police. He's talking shit about you being in trouble with the police. He will be the one in trouble with the police because coercive control is now a criminal offence.

And if he kills himself, that is his decision, and in no way your fault.

OP please protect yourself and leave him.
His threats of suicide may or may not be real, but they’re HIS threats, to harm himself. It’s the ultimate control making you feel that somehow you would be responsible for his actions towards himself.
End the relationship and if he threatens to hurt himself again then suggest he gets professional help. You can call the police to deal with him if you think his life is in danger.
But you must put yourself and your future first

Cross posted and just read latest updates. He seriously sounds deranged.

What will happen if you block him, ignore his calls, don't answer the door etc ?? If he makes a scene you can call the police.

This is what you should do and it's exactly how my friend got rid of her abusive ex, with some support from Women's Aid, who advised her every step of the way and were brilliant.

He kept her in place as long as he did because of his repeated threats of suicide every time she tried to get rid of him. When that didn't work anymore and she cut him off, he carried out a campaign of hate against her, threatened to kill her dog, turned up at her work and her house repeatedly. She just refused to engage and phoned the police.

If you don't give oxygen to the fire, it will die. She is shot of him now, and he is very much alive, for all his threats of suicide.

Please, hun, believe you deserve better than this and make the break now.

Get your family and friends on side - tell them everything that's going on if they don't know the extent of it already. Get support. Keep talking to us.

Does your daughter know about any of this (apologies if you've already said) ?

As pp have said please contact women's aid who can help you exit this relationship safely.

He is self harming when you want to leave as a way to control you.

Please contact them.

I completely understand its easier to talk about leaving than doing it. This is where woman's aid can help you.

Don't stop seeing your children. This is what he wants.