Feeling hurt by my unsentimental boyfriend

[johnnyfrench]

I am feeling like I need a bit of objective advice for anyone around to tell it like it is and give me a slap if needed.

I have a boyfriend I've been with for nine months now and while it would be unfair to say he's not loving, his lack of emotional and sentimentality can sometimes be hurtful. Without sounding pathetic, I got zip- not even a card- for valentines day and found myself crying in the kitchen as I was cooking us dinner and watching the woman across the road be given a bunch of roses by her boyfriend. Mostly because I'd made a huge effort for him (card, fave dinner cooked, fun gift and naughty lingerie) and that he couldn't even manage a card really hurt.

I'm very overtly romantic, and do a lot and plan a lot to show him how much he means to me, and he's always been a lot less emotional and proactive with the traditional romantic stuff, but it goes beyond that in the sense there are big gripes in our relationship that are manifesting due to his unemotional and unsentimental view of life.

Example: he hasn't told his family about me, despite the fact that he's met mine many times. He doesn't really plan anything for us to do together, that's maybe happened twice in nine months. He's never said he loves me and I said it and he just kissed me. Future talk really goes nowhere and the best I get is places he'd like to take me in summer. There's never been any indication that he sees me in there long term.

The problem is that the rest of him is so great. He's a wonderful person, so kind and clever and interesting and generous and it's obvious in a lot of other ways that he dotes on me. Example: he'd drop anything if I needed something, he cares for me if I am ill, he makes a huge effort with my friends and family, he's totally reliable and beyond that he generally tries on a daily basis to see how he can behave in ways to make me happy or make my life better or easier. He's constantly fixing things or making things or sending me things he saw that might help me out which make it clear he's thinking of me all the time and really wants to be loving to me.

So it's very difficult for me to say he's unloving, because he actually isn't and it's obvious he IS a very private person and he IS very uncomfortable with the mushy stuff. He doesn't do the obvious things, but he does sometimes say or do things that are so lovely they make me cry because I am so touched.

So I feel very confused because I want to be okay with how bad he is at some of these things, but they hurt and make me feel bad. He says I am low maintenance, so I don't think I am always moaning or anything, but at the same time I feel like he's always apologising and trying to fix what he's done inadvertently and I have to more or less spell out the obvious to get him to do it.

I think he might be on the spectrum, and that fits quite well with a lot of things in his general behavior which might explain a lot of this but I also worry that maybe he just doesn't like me enough to tell me he loves me or to take me to meet his Mum or to stop and get a Valentines card. And I feel sad and angry and upset and I am wondering if I am being a big baby about it because I have this great boyfriend who's much kinder and more loving than most peoples.

If I do tell him something hurts me or feels bad, he generally makes a big effort to change it but I wonder why this stuff feels so important. Can someone give me perspective. Or even an idea of what a good relationship should look like at 1 year? I

DH and I are sort of like you two - I am much more demonstrative, he is um, not the best at buying gifts and cards.

But I have previously been out with men who buy huge teddy bears and a dozen roses, and proclaim their undying love from the rooftops, and a) I found it cloying and too much pressure; and b) it didn't stop them being complete shits in other ways. They were just shits who bought me gifts, and I realised that I would rather have a wonderful, kind dependable man who does adore me but won't demonstrate it than the other sort.

But that's me. If it makes you sad and hurt, then that's not healthy. He sounds as if he is who he is and isn't going to change (and on one hand, why should he?) You need to decide if you are OK with this and can compromise

The thing about not telling his family about you is more odd - at 1 year in, even the most distant family members should have mentioned the existence of a serious partner, even if in passing. What does he say if you ask him about it?

Sounds like a lot of work and angst 9 months in. He might be lots of good things but you don’t sound very compatible.

Read up on the languages of love, you’re showing what you need and can offer in different ways.

Eg did you tell him you liked Valentine’s she were going to make a massive effort? He might not have had a clue.

But mainly, it’s okay to decide to you’re two different people who don’t show affection in the same ways and that you’d be happier with someone you’d be more compatible with.

If it’s not working for you, it’s not working — I mean, I don’t think there is any objective ‘this is what a decent relationship should look like nine months in’ diagram. You sound like you prize gestures and words and plans, he prefers doing things or fixing things for you, isn’t a talker or a planner.

Have you asked him why he hasn’t told his family about you or introduced you? Do you feel he’s as committed to the relationship, even though he expresses it differently?

(And surely it was obvious that he wasn’t going to reciprocate at your level for Valentine’s Day? Maybe he thinks it’s a load of Hallmark shite?)

But if you’re not happy, you’re not happy. We all have our lines in the sand. You could give me a delightful, rich, talented, devoted Adonis, but if he didn’t adore talking and wasn’t a passionate reader, I’d have no interest in all his good other points.

Yes, I agree that I wouldn't want to change him into a different person, I like that we are different and would hate having a boyfriend like me but I also think a person can say "I'm not mushy, but she is, so let's get the card" which is really the foundation of compromise. I get we're not alike, and I tolerate the fact that he needs much more alone time and that he's not romantic. I don't mind doing all the planning or getting awful gifts but I'd appreciate at least effort in a minor way. The "no card" thing was hurtful I felt. He knew I had a big fandango planned for our first valentines day and while I wasn't expecting a gift, I did expect he'd walk in with a card.

The "not telling about me" thing has caused I suppose the big sense of doubt for me in my mind. He is very private, he is not an open person and I think telling his parents he had a GF would possibly be excruciating for him but at the same time I need him to suck it up because we can't go on forever like this.

I spoke to him about it and he said he'd sort it, but we're in a situation right now where I have a partner and if he got run over tomorrow I don't think anyone would phone me and tell me. It's very isolating, and I think that's the root of my issue. I don't feel like his real girlfriend and he keeps this separation.

Being expected to make a big show of International Racketeering Day (aka VD) would make me run a mile TBH.

Did you tell him that VD is important to you and you expect him to make an effort to "surprise" you with a card and some sort of meaningless trinket? (I'm sorry - I'm sure my inherent dislike of VD is showing and has been throughout my last 5 LTRs.)

The things he DOES for you sound like he loves you and values you.

Would doing the 5 Love Languages test together help you? I had to learn that me saying "I LABOURED all day to make this cake for your mum means I love you" means the exact same as someone with a different love language who might say "I SPENT £250 on this meaningless trinket for you because that means I love you."

9 months - he must be a special kind of cold fish not to get you a valentines card after just 9 months.

Crying in the kitchen isn't good and I'd say get rid of him personally.

Ref the commitment question, I am baffled.

On the one hand, he's totally committed to me in the sense that we're exclusive and there was never any question on that, we spend every weekend together, go on trips together, have met his colleagues, he spends time at my family events and we're fairly devoted to each other in the ways a normal couple would be.

On the other hand, he's not told his family I even exist, he has no plans to do so, he doesn't keep me apprised on some big issues in his life (for example health issues) and he's got no interest at all in having the "where is this going" talk.

So he's committed today, but this all sends me signals he isn't in it for the long haul. I think if you asked him that question he'd say he didn't like to make plans for the future. Not sure where that leaves me.

Soooo when IS he planning to tell his parents? when your married? pregnant? 5 years? 20 years ? I wouldn't allow a man to treat me like that.

and not saying i love you Is terrible and is just saying that he doesnt... you don't have to be mushy to say I love you

Why isn't he introducing you to his family are you his dirty secret.

#That's exactly it DVG, he almost acts like his privacy is so important to him that it trumps common sense. We had the same thing last ,month with a health issue he hadn't wanted to tell me about. I was like, when were you going to tell me??? It's his natural personality to try and give people as little information as possible so I don't think it's personal to me.

I let the "I love you" think slide, as he got massively uncomfortable talking about the "love" word even in reference to his kids. Conversation goes like this "but you love them right?" shuffles and looks massively unconfortable "yeah of course". But he doesn't use the words. then as I got to know him, I saw how he spends his last penny on things for his kids, or how when he has them he's made a massive effort to think of ways he can make them happy - ways that are really sensitive and way beyond what my own Dad would have ever done. So I guess I figured him to be someone who shows love rather than says it.

He's extremely uncomfortable with sharing anything, it's just how he is. And I think there's an element of him being divorced with kids that keeps him from announcing my existence (although he was divorced before we met it was a new thing).

Of course i knew he was going to hate valentines day and make no effort, I expected to be the one who did all the romance and fun and planning and don't mind that but I did expect a card. Even the biggest grinch could choke out a card. I think he knew I was disappointed, although I didn't say as he's said he wanted to plan something lovely for this weekend.

I would be incredibly hurt and suspicious if I didn't receive anything on v day after 9 months! And his family don't know about you? Has he explained why? Is he ashamed of them?

I don't think this is going to get better unless you talk to him.

You sound like such a lovely person and deserve happiness. Maybe you need to go find it elsewhere. Hugs to you

Is it fear of the reaction of his children and/or his ex, if he’s on poor terms with her, that prevents him from wanting to introduce you to his family?

#I really don't know. I think possibly if he had been single longer before we met it would be easier (he was divorced six weeks when we met although separated for longer) but I honestly don't think he's the kind of person who shares private information unless he absolutely has to. He's not on social media or anything, he's absolutely obsessed with privacy and doesn't really like being that sociable.

I've never felt like he wasn't putting me first on a daily basis, but at times I feel like "our life" and "his life" are two separate planets and he will keep it that way for as long as I allow it. I do feel like if I tell him what to do he will do it, I know he would not accept a breakup without a fight but I also feel like me giving ultimatums isn't how I want to be loved.

Ok, your last couple of posts put a slightly different slant on things....

It sounds like he has introduced you to his kids? Ie, the most important people in his life and his family? So perhaps he doesn't understand why it is important for you to also meet - or at least be known to - other family members like his parents, siblings, cousins etc. His family might also adore his ex, which can be awkward for everyone. But if his children know you exist, I'd be surprised if no-one else in the family know - kids have a habit of talking...

He's been divorced less than a year, so is still finding his way. Saying "I love you" when things didn't work out well with the last woman he said that too can be scary, and he is cautious about rushing.

However, if you are so unhappy that you are crying in the kitchen and feel hurt, then you are entitled to decide that the relationship isn't giving you what you want and to move on.

No I haven't met his children and they also don't know I exist. As a note, the kids don't belong to the ex wife, he had them from someone else before he was married. So the ex wife is not Mum of his kids so that's not why he hasn't introduced me.

I do grasp that I shouldn't feel this sad, and that this is meant to be a happy time for me but when I have talked to family and friends about this they say it's absolutely obvious he is besotted and just not smushy and that anyone can say "I love you" or make future plans or introduce you to his kids and it's all meaningless because they might turn out to be crap and that he's not crap and is very loving.

He doesn't owe you anything, you haven't earned the right to extra parts of his life. That could be because you've only been together a short time, or he doesn't see you as a commitment yet.
Which is shitty.
It sounds like he's just not that into you in a ' future relationship way'
So can you still be with him if that's how he is?

I'm one to go by actions rather words, however, he sounds emotionally unavailable.
You both sound as if you are on different pathways. You want overt love and commitment. He wants something more low-key, almost non-committal.
I'd back off.

I absolutely don't want to be with someone who doesn't see me in a future kind of way. He says that's not the case, but that he doesn't have a picture of the future at all having just come out of an unhappy marriage. He also says he is committed and doesn't see this as casual. I really feel like he's being unfair though as he's trying to have it both ways. IE: a committed, loving, long term relationship that he only treats as one in ways that he finds easy / suitable.

Ah, OK. I read the reference to you seeing how he is with his kids as you having seen him WITH his kids IYKWIM

An ex wife plus another ex who is the mother of his children sounds like potentially a very complicated set up to navigate TBH. Especially with someone who won't talk about stuff

No I just meant I have observed how loving he is with the kids (I say kids but they are nearly grown up now). For example, he finds out what their interests are and plans ways to help them. So the way he shows love to them is pretty much identical to the way he shows love to me (doing nice things). He's always researching things I have talked about and coming to me with ideas he has had to make my life better, or re-organising things for me, or looking up train times and texting me then to make sure I get home safest. He's loving like that with me / them and also very physically affectionate but the words definitely don't come out

I think if he read this and knew how hurt I was he would be really sad and would take steps to try and change it to make me happy. He's not a bad person or anything, or even inconsiderate. Things just don't occur to him. He did some kind of personality test with me and came back with very low emotional intelligence. That is accurate! Maybe the onus is on me to communicate with him about it but I honestly find it really hard. I feel SO hurt about the card thing, I have been crying on an off all day and I don't know how to communicate it to him because the fact that he hurt me makes me feel like retreating and just avoiding him. Confrontations like this just don't come naturally.

Could you try turning it round and asking him if he felt comfortable with how much time and effort you put into V day for him? It may give an insight into how he thinks. It's easy to live by treating others as you wish to be treated yourself, but then sometimes easy to not read into the way someone is treating you and think that is how they wish to be treated.

I'd talk about it with him, start with that opener, ask if he needs you to spell things out. My DH is very similar, and take it from me, after 15 years I've found I'd rather ask him to do certain things (which disappoints me that after so long I have to, but I do) than deal with the disappointment of him not living up to my (perhaps unrealistic at times?) expectations. I never had a conversation, and it's one of the many things that has got us to a not great place right now. Definitely talk.

Just to add... These things were an issue early on too for us. It's not something that came on later. We'd been dating three months when I was faced with huge disappointment on V day. I'd made loads of effort. Him, none. And I'd told him I wanted the works! I never raised it. Accepted it. These days neither of us bother. So it's kind of changed me as a person over the years. I'm quite sure I could have handled it waaaay better! And many other things but that's a whole other thread!!

I know I need to get better at talking to him, I have never been any good at that but with him I have been learning to be better because every time we have a problem he always wants to talk and resolve it. He's good at listening and taking on board. When he had his health scare, he was going in for some tests and he'd known for weeks and not mentioned it to me at all (until after it was dealt with). I explained to him that it hurt for him to hide something so important and that it made me feel distant from him when he didn't allow us to support each other. He said he was so sorry he had upset me, that he was just not a good sharer and that he would change how he was and make sure he told me all important things.

We do have moments where something he does hurts me, but When it happens, he genuinely wants to listen / change / fix it / hear me and he tries to meet whatever need I put across. I don't think he is emotionally unavailable in the traditional sense, because he is so keen to understand my emotions but he's just out of touch and unable to express easily his own.

With the family thing, I have raised it and told him I want him to tell people about me and he says he will. Knowing him, he will do it in his own time. Genuinely the only reason I care is that if something did happen, I'd expect his family to know who I was. I don't really care at all if he doesn't want me at family Christmas or whatever and I don't see any reason his teenage kids need to meet me unless we move in together which is a long way off.

I think I just feel foolish getting so upset about the Valentines card and was embarrassed to bring it up. I know he loves the fact that I am so warm / open / verbal and he knows we are opposites and that this attracts but I have to find a way not to spend two days crying over stuff like this. It makes me feel really bad and I hate it.

If he doesn’t demonstrate his love for you with actions and won’t introduce you to his family, this won’t change. However, you will work harder and harder to get him to show you he loves you, which makes it harder for you to leave as you’ve put so much work in.

I know because I did it.

Imagine yourself in 5 years time from now. When nothing has changed. Is that what you want?