Feeling hurt by my unsentimental boyfriend

[johnnyfrench]

I am feeling like I need a bit of objective advice for anyone around to tell it like it is and give me a slap if needed.

I have a boyfriend I've been with for nine months now and while it would be unfair to say he's not loving, his lack of emotional and sentimentality can sometimes be hurtful. Without sounding pathetic, I got zip- not even a card- for valentines day and found myself crying in the kitchen as I was cooking us dinner and watching the woman across the road be given a bunch of roses by her boyfriend. Mostly because I'd made a huge effort for him (card, fave dinner cooked, fun gift and naughty lingerie) and that he couldn't even manage a card really hurt.

I'm very overtly romantic, and do a lot and plan a lot to show him how much he means to me, and he's always been a lot less emotional and proactive with the traditional romantic stuff, but it goes beyond that in the sense there are big gripes in our relationship that are manifesting due to his unemotional and unsentimental view of life.

Example: he hasn't told his family about me, despite the fact that he's met mine many times. He doesn't really plan anything for us to do together, that's maybe happened twice in nine months. He's never said he loves me and I said it and he just kissed me. Future talk really goes nowhere and the best I get is places he'd like to take me in summer. There's never been any indication that he sees me in there long term.

The problem is that the rest of him is so great. He's a wonderful person, so kind and clever and interesting and generous and it's obvious in a lot of other ways that he dotes on me. Example: he'd drop anything if I needed something, he cares for me if I am ill, he makes a huge effort with my friends and family, he's totally reliable and beyond that he generally tries on a daily basis to see how he can behave in ways to make me happy or make my life better or easier. He's constantly fixing things or making things or sending me things he saw that might help me out which make it clear he's thinking of me all the time and really wants to be loving to me.

So it's very difficult for me to say he's unloving, because he actually isn't and it's obvious he IS a very private person and he IS very uncomfortable with the mushy stuff. He doesn't do the obvious things, but he does sometimes say or do things that are so lovely they make me cry because I am so touched.

So I feel very confused because I want to be okay with how bad he is at some of these things, but they hurt and make me feel bad. He says I am low maintenance, so I don't think I am always moaning or anything, but at the same time I feel like he's always apologising and trying to fix what he's done inadvertently and I have to more or less spell out the obvious to get him to do it.

I think he might be on the spectrum, and that fits quite well with a lot of things in his general behavior which might explain a lot of this but I also worry that maybe he just doesn't like me enough to tell me he loves me or to take me to meet his Mum or to stop and get a Valentines card. And I feel sad and angry and upset and I am wondering if I am being a big baby about it because I have this great boyfriend who's much kinder and more loving than most peoples.

If I do tell him something hurts me or feels bad, he generally makes a big effort to change it but I wonder why this stuff feels so important. Can someone give me perspective. Or even an idea of what a good relationship should look like at 1 year? I

Thanks needsomebottle

I do think if I had told him, he'd have done whatever. He did text me the night before and say "I haven't got you anything for Valentines Day, I am rubbish at presents, Christmas was a one off" and I said not to worry presents weren't important. I think perhaps I should have said "but a card is essential". He almost needs explicit instructions!

I will try and talk to him, we have our first holiday together so that might be a good opportunity to tell him how much I like him but how these things can be really hurtful for me.

In so many ways I feel like I could search for a million years and not find anyone as great, so that's the hesitation for me with ending it. He doesn't do all the things other boyfriends have done, but that's a positive as well as a negative. He doesn't lie, always calls, is dependable, never lets me down, always listens, always tolerates me being over-emotional and I know he has my back 100%.

The little kindnesses are endless really. I hurt my back and the next day he shows up with a special cushion for my work chair (he's researched my condition and found the best one). I am tired, and I wake up in the morning to find he's gotten up early and cleaned the kitchen. I am ill, so he's made a bunch of dinners in tupperware and come over to pop them in the freezer. I have a work problem, and he's designed a system to fix it.

this is why my friends and family love him, and also why I do. But it's very hard to live with someone not saying they love you, not telling their closest family you exist and not getting you a card on valentines.

For me his clearly loving actions would be much more important than his lack of words or showy Valentine demonstrations. Just as I would enjoy being happy in the now rather than obsessing about the future and long term or meeting his family. 9 months isn't that long in the scheme of things. If you'd been together 5 years and were in this situation, I could understand your concerns. But it's been less than a year so I'd just be enjoying being together rather than obsessing about a cheesy Valentine's card. But I appreciate that people are different, and these differences obviously don't work for you OP. The question is are you willing to be live them or is this a dealbreaker?

I think if I have a partner who is never, ever going to remember anniversaries or send me valentines cards then I could live with that and am happy for him to show his love in whatever ways are authentic for HIM, but it's a dealbreaker for me to be with someone who loves me and sees me in his permanent future - so I suppose I have to just ask him that. And I suspect this is all really about that and not a valentines card. I do feel loved on a daily basis, but I think he needs to have the conversation with me.

He tells you he loves you in a million ways. That's much better than a cheap card and a few words. He shows you that he thinks and cares about you with every action. I would value that so much more.

Could you try and flip the way you are looking at the situation.

Your efforts on Valentine's Day, anniversaries etc are a thank you from you for all the kind and loving things he does for you on a daily basis. So that is a time that you choose show your love and return the loving gestures to him.

The thing is that getting a good cushion for your back says way more than a card, ok so he goes to card factory and pays 99p for red heart card he will just choose an ok picture he won't check the words so in reality they are meaningless
my DH is a bit like that he won't buy a card as it's meaningless tat however he spent 3hours in freezing cold and rain changing brake pads on my car, this care is worth hundreds of soppy cards

People can change habits but character doesn't change only you can decide if romantic gestures are important to you or if the lack of them really is a real breaker

Thanks everyone. This really helped me to get out the emotions and feel better. I do agree that a cushion for my back says way more than a card.

I think I am going to tell him though that as much as appreciate him and all the ways he shows he cares, that sometimes the cliche tokens also go a long way. 99p is money well spent to avoid me feeling bad like this. I probably just have to be explicit that I need that.

I'll also try and talk to him about the family thing again because obviously that's bothering me a lot more than I have acknowledged. No need to meet them, but I am unhappy being his secret girlfriend when things between us are serious and ongoing.

I will talk to him properly in person and just try and express some of this calmly as it's a shame if these seemingly innocuous things make me feel doubts about us and he has to see that while it's easier not to tell people about me and easier not to buy the 99p card and easier not to say "I love you" when he finds it uncomfortable that the alternative is for me to feel all these doubts.

I think he'd see that as a fair point and I don't think he'd want me to have these doubts. I probably also have to ask him outright if he loves me, which is going to be uncomfortable but honestly how much longer can I go without knowing how he actually feels.

Actions are great, but I also need to hear it.

Hi OP.

I think I wrote my own versions of your post early on in my relationship! I'm wondering you and your DP have different takes on things. For example, to some, 9 months is still very early days. OK, it's reasonable for you to want to hear the words 'I love you' (it took my DP 7 months and then a lot longer for it to be regularly repeated), but it is still pretty soon to be having detailed discussions about future plans.

I'm wondering how old you both are and what stage you're at in life? If he's relatively recently divorced and had older DCs, there is probably no immediate rush to settle future plans. If, however, you see this as a relationship in which you will have your own children, you may need more certainty. Is there a time pressure that is making you so concerned about the future after a relatively short period of time?

I totally get the lack of romance thing versus day to day demonstrations of love. The practical things your DP has done sound lovely and many women on here would give their right arm for such considerative gestures. My DP is the same. He does get me a Valentines card and gifts at Christmas/birthdays etc. It's all very much on the practical side however - everything he gets me I will use and appreciate, but I've given up hope of things like surprise flowers, just bought for no reason at all!

That said, when I was married, my husband regularly bought me expensive gifts, flowers, nights out etc. I suspect that they were all a cover for the assorted lies, excessive drinking and emotional abuse though, and experience has taught me what I should value. I just buy the flowers and other fripperies for myself now.

I think you, or someone on the thread, said that it you had to 'squash' this aspect of yourself to match his approach then you would make yourself unhappy. I agree with this, so I think you do need to talk to him to at least get some compromise - I totally agree that actions matter the most, but some of us need to hear the words too.

Sounds like you could learn a lot from him, to be fair.

You can be rubbish at presents and still get a card and box of chocolates in the local supermarket.

What did he mean when he said, Christmas was a one-off? Sounds like he is setting you up to have no expectations and he is off the hook forever.

Did he acknowledge the effort you went to compared to him?

Sounds like you could learn a lot from him, to be fair.

I agree with this.

I personally hated Valentines and all that lazy cliched bullshit and feeling the pressure to perform like a robot. I’m more of an actions speak louder than words type.

Essentially you want him to be something he isn’t and that isn’t his responsibility, it’s your responsibility to find someone who broadly fits in with your expectations.

This is who he is, accept it or move on. No amount of handwringing or if he only was more x,hand z, is going to change him.

The balls in your court

What is he like towards his family and you at Xmas?
If he just doesn't do it for anyone then that is how he is... So it is not you, or not living you.

I think he sounds lovely! But I’m not bothered about presents and much more touched by evidence of thoughtfulness.
OP, remember there is no rule for what relationships SHOULD be like, just that it should make you happy. Early on in our relationship I got fed up with DH not apparently caring when I had had a bad day or was upset.
I told him this and he looked worried. He didn’t know what to do in this situation. ‘At least make me a cup of tea, for goodness sake!’ I snapped.
15 years on, I can tell if I’m looking even slightly stressed because he runs to put the kettle on.
He cares, but doesn’t have a natural vocabulary for his to express it.
I don’t even drink tea much, but i do when he makes it because it’s made with so much love. But the love was there before, the tea was just a way to show it.
He shows it in lots of other ways too, but that one was missing.
Your DP sounds v like mine. Sometimes it’s hard to read his love language, but it’s there.
For us, the key was being ready to say things explicitly. ‘Make me tea’. ‘I would like a valentines card’. ‘I need to know what’s going on with your health’.
Best of luck.

Ps it’s also ok for you to decide you can’t live with it. That’s totally legitimate. If you’re incompatible, that’s nobody’s fault.

If he'd only been divorced 6 weeks when you met, I'm wondering if he's embarrassed to tell his friends and especially family about you because hes worried they'll think he moved on a bit quick.

Hello and thanks all. @Mollyslips I actually asked him if that was the case and he said perhaps it was, but honestly having known him for a while now I think all information with him is on a need to know basis and he'd probably not volunteer anything to anyone unless he had to.

Also to note, I am really loving to him too so just because I wrote out the things he does for me it didn't mean I don't do equally loving things because I do. I just also happen to plan dates and trips and remember holidays. I also look after him if he's ill etc. and go out of my way to make his day / life better so it's a mutually loving and caring relationship on a daily basis.

@yippeee he got me a fairly crap perfunctory birthday present in the way a man usually buys presents when they're clueless, but at Christmas I was gobsmacked to wake up to one of the most lovely presents I think anyone has ever gotten for me, definitely one which was very loving and which he had clearly spent ages on thinking it over. I think when I saw that and read what he'd written I thought to myself that he must love me despite never saying it. My best friend said to me, "he really sees you" and I think that was what came across. So I think what he meant was that he couldn't pull that out of the hat every time. Fair enough.

@mummmy2017 he is the same with everyone, I think probably me and his children get the only affection at all he gives anyone so that's just how he is. He says I am the only person he cuddles and touches (kids just get forehead kisses) so he's obvs just a very stifled person in some respects which generally I find quite cute because I know I get very special treatment.

@allfednonedead yes they sound very similar! I know he would be exactly the same and just listen to whatever instructions he was given and make sure he did them. He also panics if I am upset and doesn't have any instinctive method of knowing what to do so I have to explain it. To be honest, I quite like all that though as it makes him more authentic and we balance well because I am so extroverted and he's so introverted and I am so verbal and he's so quiet and I am so emotional and he's so rational, it generally works very well.

@Ladylouanne I don't think he see things as casual or early days but I do think he probably never says ILY to anyone so maybe I will hear it when he's drunk or his guard is down. There's no rush as we both have nearly grown up kids with no plans for more, we're both early 40s and pretty independent and neither is in a rush. I think it just freaks me out at times that some of the more obvious behaviours are absent. I really agree with what you said as I have had some really awful partners who bought flowers and said they loved me all the time but didn't act like it.

I just think overall that (a) yes probably lack of card means nothing but (b) it shouldn't be either / or with a partner and it's part of it to compromise to make the other person happy and I know I do on a daily basis. So rather than squashing that bit of myself, I am happy to accept I have a non-romantic partner who is never going to make soppy FB posts or send me flowers at work but he's always going to look after me and that's okay. but he can meet me halfway and acknowledge holidays because they're important to me even if not to him, and that can come in whatever form he wants (even if he sends me a meme on whatsapp that will do) and he does have to slowly drop into conversation with his family that he has a girlfriend.

I am not happy with the double life thing. I had an ex years ago who was newly divorced when we met and he hid me at first and I ended up playing second fiddle to the ex wife and the ex in laws for years and it eventually broke us up as he never had the balls to tell them all he was with someone new. I like a man being sensitive and respectful of others feelings but I also like a man being honest, and if he wants to be in a serious relationship with me then he needs to be honest with the other key players in his life. He certainly can't expect to be part of my family and spend time with my kids and parents and siblings and not reciprocate that. It makes me feel like his life with me isn't his real life and that's a horrible feeling.

So I am going to talk to him properly about that and explain that I have certain boundaries with this. I really don't mind him being unromantic and me taking on the bulk of the romantic responsibility as I enjoy it but over the next few months he has to tell people about me and he has to also make small concessions to things just to make me feel okay, which works both ways.

I do think it's okay to express love in your own way, but I learned from a disastrous ex that someone also can't just decide to live their life their own way with no consideration of the other person's needs or feelings because that doesn't work either.

Sounds very similar to my situation.. together officially several months but known each other years.. he works very long hours so only & I have DC's so only get to see each other once a week.. didn't see him last weekend & looking like I won't tonight either although that would be possible if he was to come to mine but unwilling to do so because he's been away & wants to sleep in his own bed before he's away again with work., I'm trying to be patient & understanding but actually I'm feeling hurt! Basically I've waited a long time for him & I don't want to let go yet .. 😢

Crying in the kitchen - life is too short to be miserable., especially in a honey moon early stage of a relationship. I expect that you will never know why he divorced. He sounds emotionally cold. He doesn't want to tell his family and friends about you, sounds controlling, but it is early days, may be he thinks it is too soon. Are you compatible ?

What is lovely about this guy? He has more baggage than T5 at Heathrow, kids, ex's, etc. Some people have their bar set so low a flea could limbo under it. You're over here settling for the scraps for this guy's table - he doesn't even cuddle his own kids and you feel special because he shags you. The ink is barely dry on his divorce papers and he's stingy with love. FFS. Give your head a wobble. I'd consider myself a total failure as a parent if my daughter thought a man like this was the best she could do.

What is lovely about this guy? He has more baggage than T5 at Heathrow, kids, ex's, etc. Some people have their bar set so low a flea could limbo under it. You're over here settling for the scraps for this guy's table - he doesn't even cuddle his own kids and you feel special because he shags you. The ink is barely dry on his divorce papers and he's stingy with love.

I think I agree with this, OP. I think you've fallen for the age-old 'best friend of the school bully because she's nice to you, so that's OK, and she's probably misunderstood, anyway' thing, not to mention the 'he's different when he's with me' schtik.

Him being 'unsentimental' and not buying tat for the feast of St Hallmark is not the issue you've bought into the whole Very Private Person thing, hook, line and sinker, and are congratulating yourself on how you've made it through the paywall of his 'privacy', froideur and preference for his own company which makes you very special, right? -- when in fact he's got you exactly where he wants you, bustling around cooking him dinner in sexy underwear and showering him with presents, attention, declarations of love etc when all the while he's an emotional cripple who can't even say he loves his own children, got together with you a mere six weeks after his divorce, has never mentioned you to his family or children, won't tell you he loves you (or even say he loves his children), is emotionally distant, never shares key information, never makes plans or has taken you out more than a couple of times in nine months.

He's trained you to set your expectations so low that you're ecstatic at the tiniest crumb from his table. Honestly, OP, brush up your self-respect. Look at how upset this is making you. You're worth more than being a bit on the side who's too unimportant to be even mentioned - far less introduced -- to his family after the best part of a year.

If he's not anxious to demonstrate a desire to keep you in his life now, do you really think that's going to change in a year, in three, when you'll be used to having your role in his life minimised, to not having key information shared, to having his family think he's single, to saying 'I love you' with no reply?

I don't think that's how it worked really. I think initially he impressed me by being normal compared to most men on online dating (straight-forward, no sex chat whatsoever, intelligent conversation and generally transparent and direct) and I really enjoyed his company. Didn't fancy him at first, but after a few dates I warmed to him because he was so kind, intelligent and fun to be around. I thought he was shy and that was why he was not very open, so it was months into it before I realised he wasn't going to open up, that was just how he was.

I think you're taking one sentence and twisting it a bit out of context. He's not cold, because his behavior to me and the kids is extremely loving as I've said. My Dad says he loves me and kisses me all the time. He definitely doesn't stay up late helping me with my exam revision or spend ages researching presents he think I will love. So yes, it makes me feel special that he's affectionate with me when he's not affectionate with anyone else but it also makes me feel special that he does all of the other lovely things he does because my experience of life is that all those things are quite rare and lovely too.

I appreciate the help, but think you're stretching it a bit to say I have no self respect and a bar set so low a flea could go under it. Obviously from my posts that's not the situation at all, I don't have a dirtbag on my hands - just a man who's pretty good all round - but not emotional or open and there are actually people like that in the world and I don't think they are terrible people. Those who love them like some of the other posters on the thread don't have their bar set low or no self respect - I think they're just able to say those things don't matter to them because all the other things are wonderful.

Whether or not I am that person, remains to be seen, as obviously I have been extremely upset about these things, but I don't think the situation is quite how the two posts above painted it. He might be better suited to someone who doesn't care less about valentines or words of love or he might just need me to be direct and tell him I want those things. I really don't know at this point.

I do know that if I move onto someone else, probably someone who gives flowers and says all the right things I will probably miss all the loving things he did for me and how that made me feel too. Life's never perfect, is it? Honestly, the last time I remember a man who I felt was PERFECT I was fifteen years old and since then they've all been flawed. Not sure if that was my teenage perspective or maybe life just gets harder as you get older and we all end up with our emotional issues that play out in relationships.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. You truly think this is all you're worth. That's tragic. This early in it's supposed to be fun and light! It's the honeymoon period, the best it usually is.

You barely know this guy and you're already tying yourself in knots over him, getting upset, crying. Do you think he's doing the same for you? Is he fuck! He's not sparing you a second thought! You're something distracting for him just now, hence not introducing you to anyone, no commitment and a few token 'I love you's to keep the dinners and sexy lingerie rolling in. He saw you coming!

You truly feel the best you could do was some married bloke (he just got divorced not even two months ago) with kids who's stingy emotionally because you use OLD as a yardstick of suitability. That's so far beyond sad.

Good grief. He's married now too? How you got from A to B on this thread is beyond me. Nice to comment on threads if you feel you're being helpful, but I think if the OP is saying "no, that's not how I feel at all actually" then you also have to respect what they're saying as they know doubt know their own life better than you do. I don't at all feel like I am settling or unable to find anyone else. I happen to like and care about this man.

Disappointing though that women are put in this position constantly in life: I've just described a man a lot of people on here think sounds fab, and who I myself think is fab, who everyone i know thinks is fab including my kids and you're calling me desperate and tragic.

Can you sense a disconnect there? Women get called all sorts of things don't they, but the most common ones are probably "dramatic", "needy", "desperate" - aren't we capable of chatting about our partners and our needs and exploring our relationships without it needing to come to that kind of mud slinging?

Anyway, I am not going to get sucked into nonsense but just wanted to point out that I felt what you've posted above was very unnecessary and actually a bit mean! Being successful at relationships in my view isn't about some kind of diva level of demands, but about learning to work through things with people you care about. I don't feel desperate, tragic or sad but no one particularly likes being called such things!

@johnnyfrench I was in a similar releationship a few years ago I was with him for nearly 3 years and during this time his family had no clue about me yet he had met mine and my friends.. looking back on it now I cannot believe I allowed that. It caused huge issues in our Rship and I asked him all the time why I hadn’t met his family and he would make excuses and say I could meet them whenever I wanted but it never happaned. A few of his friends did know about me but when I met his cousin at a party he referred to me as my partners friend and I was in shock we had been ‘together ’ At this point for about 2 years. It was a major red flag and I just kept ignoring it I think at 9 months that isn’t that long everyone does move at different paces but seen as you have introduced him to your family it’s strange he hasn’t done the same. My ex didn’t want a future with me in my opinion and that’s why he didn’t introduce me he also wouldn’t ever talk about future plans would rarely say he loved me although he did eventually but defo not after 9 months. He was also shit with gifts etc and had to be told what to do when it came to my bday and occasions where as I went all out for his totally know how you feel on that. Aside from these aspects our relationship was good and he was a good man was always there when needed just how you have described.

However on the other hand my recent ex showered me with flowers every time he done something wrong.. just sent me 100 roses for Valentine’s Day his family knew about me from day dot but he was a complete arse hole in other ways a major let down our Rship was toxic constant arguing so I wound rather have someone who didn’t send gifts etc and was a decent partner however the family thing is a red flag and I have been there.. my ex is now very happy with someone else who he parades around his family.