Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was he right to call me pathetic?

55 replies

januaryisover · 15/02/2019 07:33

When my boyfriend shouts it scares me. I've told him this before and he doesn't listen.

Growing up there was a lot of shouting in my family home and it always scared me then as I was little and didn't understand what was going on.

He shouted at me the other day and I told him to stop shouting and talk but he didn't listen and I ended up crying and almost having a panic attack. That's when he said I was pathetic.

So I have two questions really.

  1. Was I pathetic to get upset at him shouting?
  1. How do you react when your husband/ boyfriend shouts at you?
OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 15/02/2019 07:36

No one should shout and you particularly in a way that is scary

But no you were no pathetic and my husband doesn’t shout at me in that

Mabelface · 15/02/2019 07:37

In a healthy relationship, a partner won't shout at you or call you pathetic.

SexNotJenga · 15/02/2019 07:38
  1. You weren't pathetic.
  2. My husband doesn't shout at me. He's not a bully.
Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 07:39

If you have an anxiety about peoole shouting then you have an anxiety about people shouting, it is what it is. Why was he shouting?

I can't recall a time my husband shouted, in nearly thirty years of knowing him, I'm more of a shouter. When I have had other people shout no, it doesn't reduce me to tears, or make me have panic attacks, I'm more likely to either shout back or disengage. I grew up in an abusive household, so shouting doesn't really phase me.

He should be aware of the fact you have issues with shouting, and try to manage his behaviour, but I'd assume he does it out of anger, or frustration, which in itself is his issue.

MarthasGinYard · 15/02/2019 07:39

Sounds like he likes to exert his pretend pathetic power.

Take that away from him

Why would you want to be with someone who shouts at you and induces a panic attack

Do you walk on eggshells?

What was he shouting about

AnyFucker · 15/02/2019 07:40

My husband has never shouted at me

Sounds like you need to get away from hthis horrible bully

CostanzaG · 15/02/2019 07:42

My husband has never shouted at me.

He knows he scares you and not only continues to do it but calls you names.

This isn't healthy. I'd consider leaving.

Original poster
januaryisover · 15/02/2019 07:46

He shouted because I forgot an item for dinner and he was starving.

He's been like this since our child was born.

He gets stressed easily.

OP posts:
Subeccoo · 15/02/2019 07:48

You are not pathetic, you should not be shouted at by anyone.

In 6 years my husband has never, ever raised his voice to me or anyone else in our house.

sackrifice · 15/02/2019 07:48

I am in a relationship where my partner doesn't shout at me.

If he has ramped this up since your child was born, this is a known time when abusers ramp up their abuse.

You need to do the Freedom Programme.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Jenala · 15/02/2019 07:49

The only answer is he shouldn't be shouting at you let alone calling you pathetic. I'd cry if DH shouted at me and I don't have your history. Sounds like a shit relationship.

Bluntness100 · 15/02/2019 07:51

I think you both need to sit down and have a serious talk about where you go from here. This is a very unhealthy environment for a child to be raised in, him stressed and shouting at the smallest thing, you crying and having panic attacks, the two of you can't continue like this, and you both need to recognise it, and then act appropriately.

He needs to manage his stress levels and not shout, you need to learn to disengage and show resilience if he does. Both of you now need to put your child first.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 15/02/2019 07:53

It sounds like he wants to scare you and reduce you to tears. It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

Lweji · 15/02/2019 07:54

He shouted because I forgot an item for dinner and he was starving.

He's been like this since our child was born.

He gets stressed easily.

Three red flags in one short post!

Why wasn't he making or (even) helping with dinner?

Abusers often get worse when they feel secure or when they feel you're "trapped".

Code for he does this a lot. At work too? Doubt it.

I'm sorry but it's bad news all over and I doubt it will get better.

pissedonatrain · 15/02/2019 08:01

Another abusive arse, get rid.

Qcng · 15/02/2019 08:05

WTF?
Shouting at you over an item of dinner?
I would a) tell him to sort his own dinner next time because b) he can fuck off.

losingfaith · 15/02/2019 08:07

His behaviour isn't "normal". It is abusive. You're not pathetic. Not only is he abusive but he is also gaslighting and / or minimising his behaviour.

GMtoBe · 15/02/2019 08:09

You are not pathetic at all.

My husband never ever shouts at me and never has. We discuss any disagreements rationally because that's what adults who are in love do.

You are trying to excuse his behaviour by saying he is stressed. That's not a criticism of you, he has manipulated you to the point where you actually believe that him being stressed is an excuse for his behaviour.

Please please please think about what you actually get out of this relationship. You deserve so much more than this.

Whocansay · 15/02/2019 08:10

He doesn't do it because he's stressed. He does it because he's a cunt.

And you aren't pathetic. He is though, throwing his toys out of the pram because you forgot an item at dinner.

And no, my husband doesn't shout at me.

Original poster
januaryisover · 15/02/2019 08:11

He does minimise his behaviour a lot and make out I'm weak/ pathetic to let it upset me.

I'm going to talk to him today and see what his response is. I'm pretty sure he will make out it's nothing.

OP posts:
Eesha · 15/02/2019 08:23

@januaryisover my ex was exactly like this although I personally never grew up in a shouty household. It dawned on me that he was very tightly wound up about things and took it out on me. For us, drink was involved but I realised more and more, the behaviour couldn't continue and we separated. My children were 1yr. He is still like this but apologises after snapping but I always thank God I don't have to deal with this on an almost day to day basis anymore.

I'm single now but certainly know now that a decent man wouldn't behave like this.

whatsnewchoochoo · 15/02/2019 08:30

Sorry I don't think talking to him will make a difference. He doesn't "get stressed easily" - he gets abusive easily is what he does.

I'm so sorry but I'm very very certain he won't change.

LovingLola · 15/02/2019 08:34

How old is your baby ?
How long have you been together?
Are you working?

PurpleWithRed · 15/02/2019 08:35

This is not a healthy relationship and all you're going to hear from us is that he is abusive, he won't change and you'd both be better off without him.

whitehorsesdonotlie · 15/02/2019 08:39
  1. Was I pathetic to get upset at him shouting?
No
  1. How do you react when your husband/ boyfriend shouts at you?
He never shouts at me. We've been married 20 years.

Love, you are in an abusive relationship. The person who is supposed to love you should not shout at you, call you names, minimise his behvaiour, tell you you're not important. He sounds awful.

Look up and do the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

LTB.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread