Was he right to call me pathetic?

[januaryisover]

When my boyfriend shouts it scares me. I've told him this before and he doesn't listen.

Growing up there was a lot of shouting in my family home and it always scared me then as I was little and didn't understand what was going on.

He shouted at me the other day and I told him to stop shouting and talk but he didn't listen and I ended up crying and almost having a panic attack. That's when he said I was pathetic.

So I have two questions really.

1. Was I pathetic to get upset at him shouting?

1. How do you react when your husband/ boyfriend shouts at you?

The problem is every day my parents would be shouting at each other growing up, so to me it's considered 'normal'. I still don't like it, but just thought it's what happens in a relationship.

I've never known people not to shout at each other, that's why I'm questioning if I am just being pathetic and need to toughen up.

No, shouting is not normal in a relationship

He sounds like an abusive arse and talking to him will do no good at all. Make plans to leave and do the freedom programme so you don’t end up with another abusive relationship

You are not pathetic and you absolutely don't deserve to be shouted at. My partner gets really bad anxiety and has a stressful job and he has never once shouted at me. I've shouted at him and he's calmly told me not to shout, especially not in front of our baby. Your little one doesn't deserve to grow up in that environment, just like you didn't. X

It is normal in some families unfortunately. That doesn't make it right, or mean you should put up with it. Any decent person would be mortified to think they had scared their partner, not tell them they were pathetic. I think the biggest worry is he doesn't even bother to pretend to be sorry for how he's treating you!

Just a thought, do you want your baby to grow up with this as their normal like you did?

Do not engage with him when he’s shouting. Walk away.
This is not behaviour that your child should perceive as acceptable

💐

My ex use to just start shouting at me for no reason always find a reason to do it. He use to come right up to my face and shout at
me while carrying his baby and she would cry because scared

You need to break this cycle of behaviour.
Do it for your child xx

My ex husband cheated on me so is hardly perfect ( and I left him for it) but never once in the 20 years we were together/married did he shout at me or I at him. If he had then I would assume he had no respect for me and I wouldn't have been in that relationship, especially with children around.
Shouting isn't 'normal' in a relationship and neither is losing over not having what he wanted for dinner. This sounds very controlling and disturbing.

You definitely aren't pathetic. It's frightening!

We're in the same boat OP. OH shouted at me this morning and was close to kicking 1 yr old sons toys. I'm 7 mo pregnant as well. Very stuck on what to do.

He was wrong to shout at you and call you names. He is a bully and yours is not a healthy relationship.

However, cowering and crying is not an adult response to agressive behavior, regardless of who it's coming from.

You need to learn to stand your ground, raise your head, and say "You don't talk to me like that" in an ice-cold voice, whether it is your husband, your boss, a customer, or a stranger on the street.

You need to get away from him. He is basically taking your insecurities and manipulating you with it. Nasty bully. Don't let your child grow up listening to his mum getting abused

And so the cycle will continue for your child

Break it

At age 31 I have never raised my voice to my partner and I never will. It's not how I resolve conflict.

Generally a man who spends his time shouting is a tiny person trapped inside a large body.

this sounds abusive to me @januaryisover
Its definitely not normal and even if it was he should have stopped as he knows it scares you as it would do me, me and my husband NEVER shout at each other... we dont need to as we are adults and can talk about things reasonably

He shouted because I forgot an item for dinner and he was starving.

He is the pathetic one, not you.

He is a bully.

Shouting at you is NOT normal and it is not acceptable.

How do you react when your husband/ boyfriend shouts at you?

He doesn't. We're in a loving, respectful relationship. We've had fallings out but we sit down and talk them through, like adults.

I had an ex that used to shout at me. Apparently it was my fault for 'winding him up'. One of the many reasons why he became an ex.

You shouldn't be treated like this, OP. You said yourself you grew up in a shouty family and thought it was normal (although sounds like it made you very anxious, understandably).

Please don't repeat the cycle with your own DC.

There's shouting and there's shouting.

If he's shouting to the point of you crying, it's not "normal", even if you're a shouty couple.

And if you did get scared with the shouting at home, how can you think that was ok?

You're not pathetic at all.

My husband has never shouted at me nor have I at him.

I agree there is shouting and shouting, from raising your voice slightly in irritation to full on bellowing in rage, if this was the former, and the op was crying and having a panic attack, then likely she needs to seek some help in dealing with her reactions to conflict, if this is the latter then he needs to seek help with anger management. And they both need help to understand why the other behaves as they do and how to manage it.

If his way of dealing with the 'stress' of you forgetting something for dinner is to shout at you and make you cry, he is the pathetic one.

We all forget things. It is a minor disappointment! Most of us just say 'never mind' and assure the person that forgot that we don't mind.

I'm feeling really down now as so many of you say your oh doesn't shout at you at all. For so long I have thought this is normal.

I honestly think soaps like Eastenders have a lot to answer for, On the rare occasions I have caught a snippet in recent years they seem to normalise ‘shouting’ and being aggressive to partners to the extent I think many who watch this stuff think it’s ‘the norm’ in real life

My exh never shouted at me or called me names even when we were breaking up. Same with the boyfriend that followed. My current boyfriend has never done either. I have never heard my dad, stepdad or stepmum raise their voices. I'm 50 this year.

My mum used to shout; she is much better now, but my feelings toward her will always be ambiguous. I doubt that she will get counselling now.

For some people, this is normal. For some people it is normal to be punched or kicked. "Normal" is not the same as "OK".

When I tried to tell him how his behaviour is wrong this afternoon, he replied by saying I've made him the person he's become!

He won't listen to me. I want him out, even if just for a while so I can think, but he won't go. He thinks I'm joking and laughs it off.

Can you go somewhere instead? Relatives, friends?