Was he right to call me pathetic?

[januaryisover]

When my boyfriend shouts it scares me. I've told him this before and he doesn't listen.

Growing up there was a lot of shouting in my family home and it always scared me then as I was little and didn't understand what was going on.

He shouted at me the other day and I told him to stop shouting and talk but he didn't listen and I ended up crying and almost having a panic attack. That's when he said I was pathetic.

So I have two questions really.

1. Was I pathetic to get upset at him shouting?

1. How do you react when your husband/ boyfriend shouts at you?

That's what they say, love. Making it your fault. It's a classic.
www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-relationships/arguing-and-conflict/what-emotional-abuse
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#accusing-blaming-and-denial

he replied by saying I've made him the person he's become!

I'm so sorry but this is straight for the abuser's script. Just like my ex who told me is was my fault for 'winding him up'.

If he won't give you any space, can you go and stay with family or friends for the weekend? Just to get a bit of headspace?

Have a good long think about whether you want to be shouted at for the rest of your life. I would also suggest looking into some counselling for you individually (NOT couples) to help you work through why you've accepted shouting as normal.

He is an abuser who enjoys verbally beating you. He gets a charge out of terrifying and humiliating you. He is not going to change.

His being stressed is not a license to debase and traumatize you.

If you speak to him and he minimizes or deflects blame by accusing you of being too sensitive, weak, silly, crazy, controlling, over-reactive, etc., know that he is wrong. Likewise, if he says, “Can’t you take a joke” or “I was just kidding,” that is also manipulation to blame you for his cruelty.

You need to protect your child and yourself by leaving this man. Get as much support as you can. Empower yourself by doing the Freedom Programme.

You were reared in a frightening environment and you have panic attacks. You are possibly suffering from PTSD symptoms. Seek Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to rescue your self-esteem, learn to set strong boundaries, acquire positive coping strategies, and learn about healthy relationships.

If you don’t leave him, your child will grow up in a frightening home, just as you did. He/she will believe that emotional and verbal violence is acceptable.

When I tried to tell him how his behavior is wrong this afternoon, he replied by saying I’ve made him the person he’s become!

No. He is shifting the blame to you by saying his despicable behavior is your fault. It is not! Your believing that you are at fault, or that you deserve this, helps him to continue having control. He is choosing to shout, belittle, and treat you with contempt. He is not going to stop—just as physical abusers don’t stop.

He laughs at you when you tell him to leave. You are going to have to be the one to leave.

No. My husband doesn't shout at me. Even during disagreements I tell him not to raise his voice, as I don't like it.

My mum was a bit of a shouter and I really didn't like it. Admittedly it was when we did something wrong...or that she thought was wrong.

He's not nice calling you pathetic. If he won't leave, can you go away for a bit?