Threatening/physical violence. 'It won't happen again' does this ever work out true?

[toddle]

Had a incident the other day with 'd'p it ended with his face touching my face and using his head to shove me back if that makes sense. Kind of like a head butt but without the space in between, before the impact (no idea if anyone will understand this). It hurt my nose but no cuts, bleeds or bruising. He then said something I can't remember what exactly (was in shock) but it was to the outcome he was going to punch me or hurt me. Dd was stood there I looked at her and said are you sure you want to do that. It kind of looked like he 'woke up' at this point. Said no he didn't went and picked her up. I can honestly say I think if dd hadn't been there I would have got punched or something.

I left immediately and told him he needed to be gone by the time I was back. He then began mocking me for being scared and leaving with dd.

My sole name on tenancy so he left that very night I told him under no terms could I accept that.

Maybe a week prior to this he had a mardy on about something (can't remember what) and threatened me with physical violence for what I believe to be the first time. It stuck out massively to me like 'OMG why would he just say that' then this the very next time. I've explained to him how abusive relationships start then ramp up what could it be next time etc but he swears it will never happen again.

I know he has been very very stressed recently through things somewhat out of his control and I feel sorry for him the circumstances he has been put in recently but I would never ever do this to someone I 'love' let alone mock them afterwards.

I obviously love him and it's hard to hear all the 'right' things coming out of his mouth and of course I want to believe him but does it ever work like that?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

No. I'm sorry OP but he's showing you who he trueky is, an abuser. Get him gone and don't let him back, it will only escalate.

No it doesn't work like that. He has stepped past a line of no return, he knows it you know it. Stick to your guns.

Good luck and well done.

Report it to the police, also tell your GP.

Personally I would say do not let him back.

My father stopped being violent when my mother left. If she didn’t leave he would have kept being violent. Also, an ex stopped being violent towards me after I left. I have no idea if he was violent to his next partner, but I doubt he wasn’t because apparently it was my fault.

Well done for getting rid of him.

Just think though - he may very well be stressed, but does he behave like this with his colleagues at work? Or his parents? Or his siblings? Or is he just reserving this behaviour for you - someone who is supposed to be his partner, i.e the person he loves?

You are right, this is how abusive relationships start. You are also demonstrating how they continue. Don't be a mug.

Kick him out. And never go back. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

Harsh as this is hear but he doesn’t love you. Because this isn’t how you treat someone you love.

What a horrible thing to happen to you op. I hope you and your child are okay. know one should be able to make you scared in your own home infront of your child and know amount of stress should push some to that extent with some one that they
Supposedly love. You are oviously aware of the signs of and abusive in a relationship so what ever you do tread carefully if you let this kind of behaviour happen with out a consequence for the actions it will more than likely happen again as it becomes a patteren and they got away with it once so can again and most of the time it will escalate to more frequent/physical/agressive/ behaviour. Please be careful

Thankyou for all the conclusive replies.

I've been completely honest on here about him going through a tough time at the moment too and you've all still said the same.

Just to clarify he has already left I made him leave the night it happened. I can't just tell he is trying to win me back 'what will it take' all that kind of stuff. Which has made me want to ask others their opinion. Thankyou

I’ve been where you are - they really don’t change - I allowed my now ex hit me about 8 times before I finally called the police. Each and every single time he was “sorry” “sorry” and “sorry” some more. Even though he said sorry he didn’t seek help. He really didn’t want to change.
Once the dynamic is set up they are not able to change. That’s why I should have called the police the first time.
Save yourselves years by keeping him out.🌺

My ex always swore he didn't really mean it, and would never hurt me, and it'd never happen again. But it did. it got progressively worse, until he tried to throttle me. So no, I don't believe most abusers will change. He'll be sweet as pie til he thinks he's forgiven, then the mask will slip again.

If your resolve is weakening, ask yourself if this was your daughter, what would you tell her to do? Our parents relationships have a massive impact on the relationships we go on to have. What kind of relationship template do you want to model for her? The one where she walks away from a violent man, or the one where she keeps hoping he'll change and sticks around in the face of escalating abuse?

It's a terrible thing to go through, but you've shown amazing strength to spot it so early and kick him out. Things do get better, but be kind to yourself in the meantime.

OP violence is very rarely a one off, and do you really want to find out?

They’re always sorry after the event, until the next time. My ex was very sorry, until the next time, then he was sorry again, until the next time. there was only no more next times when I took our DS and left. As PP have said, does he threaten to thump his work colleagues, or his friends?

Stick to your guns, because if you don’t he will have got away with it. Once they don’t believe there’s any real consequences they they won’t think twice about doing it again. Your DD has already seen him threaten you. You don’t want her to grow up with the message that she too should put up with that kind of behaviour.

Well done for showing him the door. You deserve better, and so does your DD.

Yes I asked him that. Imagine I'm our daughter what would we be saying!

Very fortune, as crappy as this sounds it was dd whose 2 not my ds whose older he was sleeping out. Although it obviously frightened her at the time i would be surprised if she remembers it as a one off incident years down the line. However my son remembers everything!

Such a shame there's so many shitty arse men around. I only ever wanted a nice quiet family life

No, there is no going back.

If not for you, end it for the safety of your daughter.

There is a documentary on bbc iPlayer at the minute "behind closed doors: through the eyes of a child" it shows domestic violence situation from the perspective of the children in the home. You don't want your dd to go through the same as those children so be strong.

He will 100% hit you if you take him back. There’s no doubt in my mind.

Bet he hasn’t taken himself off to anger management or counseling.

He’ll be saying all the right things but violent men don’t change, IMO. They just get better at hiding it for a while.

I’m so sorry

BIW is right. Pretty sure he doesn't get violent with his boss, workmates, etc.

We are all stressed and experience terrible things in life; losing a job, death of a loved one, car breaks down, etc. but we don't threaten or use physical violence do we.

He's an abuser. They never change.

They all work to the same text book...
He won't do it again
He loves you
He cries about losing you
Might threaten suicide
Might start buying you gifts, things you've wanted a long time but he was against
Might speak to your friends and give them the sob story but 'not to tell you' know full well they will tell you how 'heartbroken' he is.
Mine told me that Women's Aid helped me as it was in their interests to, so they could keep their jobs.
Its best for the children that he's there
Children with separated parents look so sad
Then you may get some threats when you refuse to do as he says and get back with him...he'll take sole custody of the children, you won't be able to cope financially without him there...the list goes on...

If I were you, I would hotfoot it to the GP's get it all down in writing. And make a statement to the Police, they don't have to act on it but its there in black and white. Very useful further down the line if he's still not going away. You can also get a half hours' free advice with a solicitor too if you need that.

Hey sweetness. I'm one of the ones who used to give advice! Seriously, to a friend.
Then fuck me pink and call me Rosie, my now ex assaulted me. Completely out of the fucking blue.
I did what you have done, kicked him out, made a statement etc. etc., but then I missed him. Because the animal who assaulted me and my lovely boyfriend were two very different people in my head and I could not get it into my head that it was the same person.
Long story short?
I took him back. All good. Loved up again for 6 months and then wham, woopsie, he did it again.
I repeated that cycle for 7 years with him.

You asked a very incisive and gritty question in your title. Does this ever work out? I can only speak from my experience, and the answer is that no, it doesn't. I'm sorry.

OP, that made feel a bit clammy, reading that. So many reminders.

There are always going to be stresses and set backs anyone's life. He is telling you how he is going to cope with them - if he is with you.

If you stayed with him, he won't have a reason to stop.

It'll get a bit worse each time.

How old do you want to be when it ends?

OP, I echo everyone else here who says no, it never works once they've hit you. It's a moment that signifies that nothing will ever be safe again. Taking him back would quite literally be you saying "I am ok with you hitting and threatening me".

I will say one thing. Dont believe those who say "he cant love you if hes hit you". The terrible truth is that many people violently assault those that they love. For many people, love and violence go together. That's exactly why you cant take them back once they show you the violence - because this is the best of them, this is how they treat people they love!

And they learn that violence and love go together - by watching those they love hurt each other. Like your dd and ds will learn if you take him back.

There's no going back without spitting in your children's faces.

You've done the right thing. The way you stop violence in a relationship is by ending it. As long as you are there for them in any way, you'll be hurt by them. That's how violent people behave x

Woah. No need to tell her she is spitting in her children's faces. He is. And he is also rearranging Mummy's face.

Don't demoralise a woman even further by making her a part of the abuse. She's a fucking victim, not a perpetrator.

Listen to me.
I don't know everything, but I know this shit. Yes, to answer your question, yes, unfortunately he will do it again.
I actually thought there was no way, because our love was so strong, but yup, he did it again.

Are you in a position financially to leave or ask him to leave? Baby I know it's shit. I know!

You're just going to have to grit your teeth and love him from afar. I have never heard of anyone that did not repeat the violence, including my ex and my dd's ex. They cry and tell you about their hard life, etc. etc.

Don't take him back even if he goes for therapy, let that be for his own benefit, but the trust is lost.

How awful but you have done the right thing men like that never change in fact any man never changes... you’ll get sob story no doubt but be strong. People dont need to get abusive when stressed do they ?

He will say what you want to hear, and give you reasons that may make sense at the time. But given the chance he will hurt you again.
We all get stressed, angry, upset, but we don't all react with violence.
You are doing the right thing protecting yourself and your children.