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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Threatening/physical violence. 'It won't happen again' does this ever work out true?

60 replies

toddle · 14/02/2019 22:30

Had a incident the other day with 'd'p it ended with his face touching my face and using his head to shove me back if that makes sense. Kind of like a head butt but without the space in between, before the impact (no idea if anyone will understand this). It hurt my nose but no cuts, bleeds or bruising. He then said something I can't remember what exactly (was in shock) but it was to the outcome he was going to punch me or hurt me. Dd was stood there I looked at her and said are you sure you want to do that. It kind of looked like he 'woke up' at this point. Said no he didn't went and picked her up. I can honestly say I think if dd hadn't been there I would have got punched or something.

I left immediately and told him he needed to be gone by the time I was back. He then began mocking me for being scared and leaving with dd.

My sole name on tenancy so he left that very night I told him under no terms could I accept that.

Maybe a week prior to this he had a mardy on about something (can't remember what) and threatened me with physical violence for what I believe to be the first time. It stuck out massively to me like 'OMG why would he just say that' then this the very next time. I've explained to him how abusive relationships start then ramp up what could it be next time etc but he swears it will never happen again.

I know he has been very very stressed recently through things somewhat out of his control and I feel sorry for him the circumstances he has been put in recently but I would never ever do this to someone I 'love' let alone mock them afterwards.

I obviously love him and it's hard to hear all the 'right' things coming out of his mouth and of course I want to believe him but does it ever work like that?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

OP posts:
JaesseJexaMaipru · 15/02/2019 04:57

Well done for getting him gone immediately op. You have done exactly the right thing.

Everyone else is also correct - this isn't something that he can promise not to do again.

His best hope is to take a year in which he swears off women altogether (including porn obviously as that promotes an unhealthy perception of women as well as supporting abuse) and has some deep level councelling to address his violence and anger and rebuild a personality that simply wouldn't consider dominating and threatening a partner in any way, physically or otherwise. If he can do that successfully then he could start dating again, but he will have a better chance of successfully evolving into a decent person if that is a fresh relationship with someone else. Old habits die hard and in your relationship even though this actual violence wasn't a regular thing, the thought patterns and attitudes which exist behind that and which allowed it to even be a possibility are still there, and won't be easily changed by simple effort of willpower.

FlagFish · 15/02/2019 05:09

Well done OP. You have done the right thing to protect yourself and your DC. Wishing you strength.

JenniferJareau · 15/02/2019 05:38

No it never works out.

Best thing is to block his number, email and all forms of social media. There's no need to keep communicating with him.

Candace19 · 15/02/2019 05:44

You've done the right thing. I lived 17 years with the 'threat' of violence. 'He'd knock me into next week' etc etc.

I totally regret wasting those years - I will never ever get them back and I know we say 'no regrets' but I do.

On the plus, I'm super strong now and take no shite but it took me 17 years!!!

What I'm trying to say is if it doesn't feel right, it isn't. As it goes on you'll eventually become a shell and tiptoe on eggshells. Just cut your losses now & save yourself the grief. Trust me.

toddle · 15/02/2019 09:45

Thankyou all. I won't tag individually as I'm on the app I can't see who wrote what when typing but will try to cover points raised by all.

So sad to read so many of you have been through the same thing. Well done to everyone who escaped the shit that these people brought their way.

I'm a woman on the ball. This happened on Sunday. My claim for universal credit is up and running and I've just received a interest free loan from them as you have to wait 5 weeks for your money to come through. I have another appointment with them on Monday to take my tenancy agreement in.
Massively helpful as I had 69p in the bank and my son wants to do 'lots of fun things' in his week off. As cheap as they can be we still need food/picnics for the park. I was a SAHM as the childcare fees for dd with before and after school for my son worked out i would be going to work for something like £20 a month.

No I 100000% do not want my dd or ds growing up to accept this behaviour or acting this way themselves. I don't think I could look at my son straight knowing he made someone feel the way he made me feel.

He is doing pretty much all of the things you have all wrote about. His sorry. Won't happen again. Loves me so much etc etc.

He has had a very dysfunctional upbringing I can see how he would be 'messed up' but I also had a horrific upbringing. I was taken from my mother at 10/11, she gave one sibling to his father to raise at the age of 2, the third child was then removed a few years after me and the fourth she kept! She didn't have a maternal bone in her body (despite having 4 children Confused) but I made a choice that it was awful but I wanted to be different. Im the best mother I could possibly be. He made a choice to know the way his father acted was wrong but to then follow suit.

Thankyou all for your time it's not something I really want to speak about at great length in real life. However I bumped into one of my friends at the shop yesterday who 'd'p became friends with through me and had told him that we are no longer together 'he was a dick, f'kd up and head butted me' ?!?!

Why would he even tell him that? I would think that was a shameful kind of thing that you would just keep to yourself

OP posts:
toddle · 15/02/2019 09:53

I've told him he needs counselling/therapy for his benefit and for the benefit of any future women. It's not fair on him to move on and then do this again to someone else. He needs to figure out why it happened and stop it happening again. Of course all I'm getting is I'm the love of his life, he can't imagine me with anyone else, please stop saying that

OP posts:
MrsBobDylan · 15/02/2019 09:59

You have done brilliantly well op, really fabulous!

Just wanted to suggest counselling for you, particularly since you had a horrible childhood so already have trauma to deal with.

MistressDeeCee · 15/02/2019 09:59

I don't know if you can ever work through it. I do know a man who hits a woman can fuck off 10,000 miles away from me. Preferably further. I find them utterly repellent so, no thanks I wouldn't be hanging around hoping by some miracle that all will be lovely one day. One life and it's not to be wasted on scum.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 15/02/2019 10:02

I'm a woman on the ball.

Yes you are - and you should be damned proud of yourself.

Getting him out quickly was the absolute best thing to do for your DC and yourself.

Stand strong, keep your head held high and take it one day at a time.

I'm SO glad you can see through his BS. His unfortunate upbringing is not your responsibility - nor is it any excuse for his treatment of you.

Keep going @toddle. You rock. Flowers

CountessVonBoobs · 15/02/2019 10:09

If he's so desperately sorry and loves you so much, I'm sure he'll have no problem booking in with his GP, telling them everything, requesting immediate referral to services for abusive men, and not contacting you for a period of time of your request, at least several months, while he stabilises himself and gets help. Will he. Or does his 'sorry' and his 'love' only motivate him enough to try and manipulate and wheedle you into giving him no consequences for what he did? Funny, that.

toddle · 15/02/2019 10:19

@CountessVonBoobs yes your probably right there he has asked what it will take for him to come back and be a family with us. I said I have no idea because I can't see it. But that would be a great first step in making himself better regardless of me.

He said he just wants to talk it through with me. I've said I'm happy to talk to him but I'm not a professional and I'm involved too. He would go if I made him an appointment and went with him. But then I'm back to the point I shouldn't have to it's not my problem it's his. I have two children to parent I don't want a third. He is very incapable at doing most things appointments/booking things he doesn't even like phoning for a takeaway. Asks me questions relentlessly to the point it's much easier for me to take the phone off him and do it myself or call the people up and sort whatever it is myself. Even when it's something I've never done before you just kind of figure it out. He doesn't seem to have that quality so id be shocked if he went to get help. This comes from his upbringing though. Mother did everything for his father and then him and his sibling too. Click your fingers (literally) she goes running. As understandable it is it's not my thing to fix.

I've had a lot of personal fixing and tricky questions I've had to ask myself along the years without baby stepping him through his.

Thankyou. I'm trying my best.

OP posts:
toddle · 15/02/2019 10:20

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy @MrsBobDylan I'm trying thankyou.

Really appreciate everyone 'talking' to me

OP posts:
toddle · 15/02/2019 10:21

@MistressDeeCee yes I find him quite repulsive when I think about it

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 15/02/2019 10:31

It is definitely 100% categorically not your job to get him help for the fact he was violent to you. He gets it himself or he, his remorse, and the help are all worthless.

Your responsibility is to keep yourself and your children safe. Because he will definitely, definitely do it again. And escalate. Because why wouldn't he? It's gratifying, it makes you reluctant to oppose or frustrate him or assert your needs over his, and if you took him back he would face exactly zero consequences for it.

He's an abuser. And if he can't even take the basic step of admitting that and taking steps off his own back to get help, he will stay an abuser for the rest of his life, because he likes being one.

HeckyPeck · 15/02/2019 10:36

Well done for making him leave and staying strong OP.

I agree with others who say it would very likely happen again.

People rarely change without long term intervention and even then it’s rarer still that the change is permanent.

Adora10 · 15/02/2019 11:45

He would go if I made him an appointment and went with him.

How insulting for you and what a pathetic excuse to do fuck all about the fact he was violent towards you; he has zero intention of doing anything about it.

You also say he is pretty damn useless at taking control of anything; this is your chance now to get away from, not just a violent and unpredictable man but a rather useless one into the bargain.

You sound amazing.

TowelNumber42 · 15/02/2019 13:25

He wants to talk it through with you.

What happened happened. He is trying to make it your problem not his. It cannot be undone once done. He wants to talk you round to "moving past" his violence because and .

I bet he'll get quite annoyed at any refusal to move on from it (as in get back with him and shut up about it). He will frame it as your issue now. You are a horrible unforgiving cow, is how he will try to frame it.

Stand tough, don't get sucked in. If you let him back now, this first time, you've set the pattern and it will be harder to break. You will be in the cycle of abuse. You'll be in that battered wife hamster wheel no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise. The justification to yourself of why you let him back will keep you on the wheel.

WellThisIsShit · 15/02/2019 15:34

You sound like you have your head screwed on right.

Something similar happened to me, except one step forwards. I never talk about it in real life, but I have shared it on mumsnet, it helped me at the time when I was lost and scared and didn’t know what to do. And it helped afterwards, when I struggled with being a lone parent with a baby. And I hope it helps now too, now DS is a bit older, I’m still single but don’t miss him at all, and I share parts of my story to help other women. I hope it helps anyway! Flowers

We were arguing and I was asking him to stop spending money and get a job because we had no money to pay the rent (again). I was crying and I reached out to touch him I think, although I don’t remember that. My stbxh said I did so it was my fault because he took it as a sign of violence. So in his reality he was simply defending himself when he hit me. And after all, it was only once so it’s not a big deal right?

I am almost as tall as him, and I was still fat with baby weight so how could he have hurt me, he jeered this at me a lot afterwards, when he realised the attempts at making it go away hadn’t worked. How could he ever hurt such a huge fat lump as me?

Well, my reality was a little different. And as far as I know he still ridicules me and says cruel things because I refuse to agree with his version of events.

But I was and am most unreasonable in persisting with my silly hysterical fantasy, which I’ll share with you, as I’ve spread this ‘gossip’ with others and much maligned his name (& so am definitely the villian in all this).

It was one punch yes. But not ‘just’ one punch, no ‘just’ at all. He punched me in the throat, it came out of nowhere and it was at full strength. My head snapped back and then was banged forwards again by meeting a wall at speed...

The force of this ‘just one blow’ had thrown me through the air and into the wall opposite. I lost consciousness from the force I was thrown into that wall, and the blow to the back of my head. I remember the bang to my head and sliding down, and vaguely being confused as I didn’t understand what I’d hit as I wasn’t aware how far I’d been thrown (about 3meters... but hey, I’m fat and it was just one little hit right?!).

When I came to, he was standing over me shouting at me. I He was shouting at me and saying I was ‘making it up’. I crawled to the phone and then stood between him and the bedroom, where DS was sleeping. Then I told him to get out or I’d call the police.

And he jeered at me, mocked me for shaking and having to hold the wall. Said the police would laugh at me too. I remember I was shaking so badly, and I couldn’t see properly, I’m not sure if that was the fear or the effects of the blow.

He asked me why I was standing outside the bedroom door, and I said it was to protect DS from him. I think he genuinely couldn’t understand why I’d think this was necessary, he was incredulous.

He finally left the flat.

I told my GP a few weeks later, unfortunately after the bruises had faded. But the GP was really nice and supportive. She asked if she could speak to her colleague who had more experience, and then phoned me to say that the single most worrying thing about the incident was that he mocked me and jeered at me when I was hurt, and when I was protecting my baby from him.

In her/ her colleagues experience, the GP said that when an abuser shows no remorse afterwards, and no recognition of the basic effects their violence has caused, he tends to be be very dangerous.

I am left with the after effects of his violence, as my neck never recovered properly, and I can no longer hold my head up for long periods of time, and I can’t go in cars without lying down in a neck brace as my neck is just too weak to cope with even the smoothest of braking, bumps and turns.

So... please continue to be strong. Don’t take risks and don’t think you’ll get gradual warning signs before a fatal or life changing blow.

And take his mockery as the hugest red flag you’ve ever seen.

ChristmasFluff · 15/02/2019 15:37

Yeah, he loved me, and I wanted to help him. Every single time for 5 long years. Then he stalked me. And all the time he was fucking other women behind my back, and telling THEM the same shite.

I'f I'd let him stay dumped him the first time it happened, it would have saved me countless black eyes and split lips, multiple strangulation injuries, a punch to the head that knocked me unconscious, being locked up naked and beaten, and 2 court cases.

Oh, and I'll tell you why he came clean to the friend. It's part of his plan to drum up support - people who will tell you that he's faced up to what he's done and he's willing to do anything to put it right (so long as you will support him). That's what the ex did, and they all play the same games.

Don't make that same mistake I did. Run and never look back. I wish you all the luck, and bloody well done! xx

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/02/2019 16:14

Well done and Keep the very strong mindset you have op.
He will try every trick and promise in the book to work his way back in. I'd be inclined to tell him a straight no way back at all for us. Anything else men like that seem to think it's worth trying as she says there's a chance...

toddle · 17/02/2019 03:22

Just struggling a little with the hurt and betrayal.

I had said he could stay here 1/2 nights a week as he doesn't really have anywhere to go. Was all fine just pleading with me to reconsider won't happen again etc. I remained strong on what I was saying. I couldn't see a way he would ever make it ok for me to go back to him.

He then told me the day after this incident happened he went and met someone. Just for a fag on her break at work to see if he could be with another female and forget me. I instantly asked if it was 'sally' he said no. He then admitted it was.

She had messaged him on snap chat while we were together laid in bed one time he swiped it up from the top of his screen so it disappeared. Went to the toilet then opened it. I said then how dodgy that looked. I was told they had gone to school together know him ages etc. Have been with him almost 5 years but this was the first I'd ever heard of her. She's recently divorced too which will explain why she's only recently started talking to him. She's had this smiley face thing next to her name on snap chat too so they have obviously been in regular contact since then.

Then last night he said he was off out to the pub for a drink with her. Proceeded to get dressed up for her aftershave which is something he never wears and even had the cheek to ask me to do his hair as he couldn't find his hair gel and doesn't know how to use my sons hair putty stuff.

I just feel so hurt, quite clear to me my concerns about it were correct. She didn't pop up from no where after a divorce constantly chat about the weather and now go on dates together. I've woke up now and struggling to get back to sleep just got a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I have now told him staying at my house isn't at all an option after that. I bagged all his clothes up and he came and got them. He had to come back in to get his aftershave though I bought him it when we were on holiday this year. The first aftershave he has owned our entire relationship and worn about twice but now it's so important.

I hate him

OP posts:
sar302 · 17/02/2019 04:46

No, no, no! He doesn't get to come back at all. Not for anything. Not for his aftershave. Definitely not for one or two nights a week!!

The reason he has no home, is because he assaulted you in your home, in front of your child. Please remember this and keep getting on with getting rid of him for good Thanks

FlagFish · 17/02/2019 05:14

You have to see ‘Sally’ as a good thing, OP. He was worming his way back into your affections but now he’s shown his true colours yet again. Do not let him stay at your house ever again.

DarAdal · 17/02/2019 06:18

Please keep him away.
They don't change, ever.

I had this for only 6 years and at first I minimised it because he didn't actually hit me. More pushing and shoving with EA. Still bad I know.

Then he tried to strangle me and blacked my eye. I still have a lump in my eyebrow from that.

It was always my fault.

It was over 20 years ago but when I read threads like this I shudder to think what my life would be like now if I had stayed.

Actually I'd probably be dead.

category12 · 17/02/2019 06:48

He's trying to make you take him back by showing you someone else wants him. Don't weaken. Don't let him stay at your place at all. You did so well making him leave, don't let him manipulate his way back in.

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