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Original poster

Girl making lunch for my fiance

88 replies

Sabinaa · 14/02/2019 14:11

Hello, I just wanted to seek some advise.

My fiance who I am supposed to marry in August, he has told me had feelings for a girl at work last year. Nothing physical happened, which I believe as the girl is married.

He then told me the girl used to make him lunch and bring it in for him. I just find that a bit strange. What are your thoughts on this?

I have come to terms that we have never had issues with infidelity and I do trust him and feelings can happen. However, he should of made an effort not to let his feelings dive deeper.

He said he wants to be with me still and he only told me because I asked.

Sorry I am just a bit distraught at the moment - my first post here.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 14/02/2019 16:11

Maybe he mentioned it so you’d make his lunches.

Personally red flags would be waving about for me. He’s already had feelings and maybe more with a co worker and you’re not even married yet. I’d tell him to shove his lunches up his arse and dump him.

IrmaFayLear · 14/02/2019 16:15

I think the making lunch thing is weird, and don't understand people minimising it. It would be different if it was sharing leftovers or was a special occasion or even some kind of food rota, eg "It's Foodie Friday and Barry's doing his salad nicoise," but the way the OP describes it it seems as if "girl" is purposely making an individual lunch for OP's fiance.

Talk of "feelings" and making dinky little lunches... I think, OP, you need to have a Big Talk. This sounds definite alarm bells.

Cupcakey · 14/02/2019 16:15

Dump him your not even married and he's having wobbles. Run for the hills!!!

Adora10 · 14/02/2019 16:16

Faulty:
The post implies it was more than once that she was making his lunch, I don't need to add anything on!

Nobody is right and nobody is wrong and yes we need further clarification.

Telling the OP he has feelings for this woman, which I doubt he was meaning he finds her lunch making amazing! I mean seriously, getting married in six months and your fiance tells you this, that's ok with you, fine, not me!

Faultymain5 · 14/02/2019 16:19

@nugget900 - the instinct thing. This I agree with. Sometimes you just know.

proseccoandbooks · 14/02/2019 16:21

The problem is not the lunches. For eg, at work we were a group of 3, and each of us would bring lunch Monday, Tues, Wed and then eat out Thurs & Fri. Since then one person left and there's only me and a male colleague.

Your problem is that he admitted feelings for her! And she probably feels the same too. Walk away, and be happy you dodged a huge bullet

booboo24 · 14/02/2019 16:22

I make lunch every day for a colleague! We take it in turns to buy the food (only soups or toasties etc) then we take it in turns to cook for each other. Nothing in it whatsoever so o can't see the problem. I cam however see the issue with him having feelings for someone else......

IrmaFayLear · 14/02/2019 16:25

I think the problem very much IS the lunches, or what they represent. A bit of a flirtation round the water cooler - well, there you go. But the fact that the OP's fiance saw fit to mention the lunches means that they weren't casual whole office sharing bits and pieces. Going to the trouble of making a specific person a lunch... And not to mention that surely other work colleagues would see this and be nudging and gossiping about it - I'd be far from happy.

Faultymain5 · 14/02/2019 16:25

@Adora10
Conflating - More than once is not everyday. I make and will bring in lunch more than once for my colleague, in fact because of this post, I checked what he'd fancy eating for lunch as it might be on my menu next week (no guarantees).

OP said everything in the past tense. Maybe he has even told OP now because he doesn't feel anything for the other woman anymore and he doesn't have lunch made by her anymore. It could be his timing is off. It could be that he felt guilty having feelings and he's one of those that need to assuage their guilt. It could be he felt guilty about acting on those feelings. So many variables but the first thing we do is (fill in the gaps for ourselves). As I say, can't we just wait for OP to clarify one way or the other.

As I said in my original post (she has other issues when he's telling her about feelings for someone else), so I believe we're in agreement - just not about lunch.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/02/2019 16:29

"he only told me because I asked."

So, he'd have kept it all secret if you hadn't?

I'd be reconsidering if this relationship was worthy of marriage.

Adora10 · 14/02/2019 16:37

For the love of God, I get it Faulty, you disagree, but for me, a man making me lunches that i have feelings for is not the same as making lunch for my colleagues who i have nothing but friendships with, so not the same!!!!!! Can we please just agree to disagree, fact is the OP is not some kind of freak for thinking the same as me and some others.

2019willbegreat · 14/02/2019 17:25

What Adora says - it's the combination with feelings.

My ex H had a colleague who used to post images on Facebook of the meals she had brought to work for her and "her boy" (my H, a 50 year old!) which I found quite disrespectful on her part. H just loved the attention so was quite happy..

FraggleRocking · 14/02/2019 17:42

I think too many people here are focused on the lunches. This would be such a secondary issue for me. It’s the hiding the whole thing since last year and not being open until being asked.

SilverySurfer · 14/02/2019 17:43

Nothing physical happened, which I believe as the girl is married.

That means absolutely nothing and I wouldn't believe it as married men and women have affairs all the time. Married people are constantly writing about their affairs on here.

He told you he had feelings for the girl - personally I would cancel the wedding and find someone who loved me 100%, not what was left over after having fun with the girl at work.

Wearywithteens · 14/02/2019 17:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

RiverTam · 14/02/2019 17:57

Of course people cook things for their colleagues, swap sandwiches, offer to share

nope, never done any of that either!

MistressDeeCee · 14/02/2019 18:48

Nothing physical happened, which I believe as the girl is married

In my 20s I worked in a very large local authority building, several offices.

The amount of people who were having affairs at work was unbelievable. It's all during work hours - who would suspect? You can do a lot with flexitime.

At the time I just thought it was funny - looking back now older of course, it really wasn't.

& not saying your man is up to same OP. Just that this woman being married doesn't mean much really.

She could be one of those who's forgotten she's at work to do a job so do that, be sociable but keep it professional.

I wonder if her husband knows she makes lunch for a bloke at work. Or if she'd mind if he was home making lunch for a female colleague

MsDogLady · 14/02/2019 19:56

She made him lunches.. He had feelings for her.

He has been happy to make a fool of you with his cozy ‘lunch and feelings’ set-up with the OW.

When strong boundaries are not set, seemingly small things can lead to something bigger. He has crossed the line with this woman and has breached his fidelity to you. He has lied by omission since last year, making a mockery of your relationship, @Sabinaa.

Emotional intimacy developed, and you cannot rule out physical involvement just because the OW is married. You need to get the full story. Does she still work there? He wouldn’t have just turned off his feelings for her like a faucet.

I would leave this man. I certainly would not marry him. He has weak boundaries, and is willing to break your trust and emotionally cheat for an ego-boost.

Bluntness100 · 14/02/2019 20:38

She's not making lunch for loads of people

Ok, you have insight here, you know rhe op? Can you share some more detail with us, because rhe op hasn't. We have no idea who she made lunch for, why or how often, but as you do, maybe you could enlighten us. With these intimate lunches she was making?

Or maybe you're jumping to conclusions and sticking it to a worried and vulnerable woman?

Because it's one or the other.

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/02/2019 21:43

@PinkHeart5914

"It's a sandwich not oral sex"

That's tickled me..

😂

TulipsTulipsTulips · 14/02/2019 21:48

I wouldn’t end things over this. It’s normal to have feelings about other people and it’s good he told you this, rather than denying it. These things may arise when you’re married too. How you both deal with it now can be a sign of how strong your marriage may be.

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/02/2019 21:48

Forgetting the food though op... if he realised that he had feelings for someone else what steps is he taking to ensure that situation doesn't arise agian in the future?

I personally think his boundaries need assessing.

Needsomebottle · 14/02/2019 23:11

There's not much info really to understand your relationship and whether it is or feels solid now. But on the lunch thing, I work in a small department, I sometimes take lunch in for my male colleague, he sometimes buys me mine. I'm 99% certain he doesn't have feelings for me, and I'm 100% certain j don't for him. It tends to be if I have made large portions, I text and offer him it, or if we're on a health kick. It's a very small department and three of us are good friends (another woman too) likewise she sometimes brings food for all of us or just one of us. So I guess it kind of depends on the dynamic. The fact he's admitted feelings for her does add a bit of a different edge to it though. Maybe she knew and was enjoying it and trying to keep him keen so she could enjoy the attention?

MrsEricBana · 14/02/2019 23:21

Lunch - not sure (unless It was a tongue sandwich. Sorry, couldn't resist)
Feelings - not ok

DarklyDreamingDexter · 14/02/2019 23:30

I'm another one who thinks the lunches thing is strange. Yes, colleagues often bring in cakes or cookies they've baked, usually for a special occasion and for the entire office to share. That's a world away from bringing in individual lunches for an engaged guy who apparently 'has feelings for her'. That seems like a very personal act to me. You're not even married yet and he has developed feelings for someone else, who is clearly showing interest in him. I'd be deeply concerned too...it does not bode well for the future.

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